Challenge #81: Heat
Author: Ann (Chrystalsandsnowflakes)
Title: Feel good or bad
Rating: (G to NC-17): G?
Spoilers/Warnings: 3rd part in my series, started at #79 and takes place in the future, so after EOT

Summary: Morelli tries to deal with Stephanie's decisions

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, I just play with them

Feel good or bad

Morelli sat behind his desk in the station. It had been a slow day, and he had had a lot of time to do some thinking. He hated it, he really had hoped that he would have an extremely busy day, so that he DIDN'T have to think about the implications of his conversation with Stephanie yesterday night. Why did she have to say the things that she did?

The radio was on, and he heard the host say something about a new European talent writing this wonderful sourly sweet song. Sour was a very good way to describe his mood, he thought, VERY sour.

In my dreams there are some things that I can't describe
I have to speak about or I would keep this lie
when it gets me down oh then I get turned around
you stabbed me in the back, is this something you enjoy, something you enjoy

He always had dreams about his life, his life together with Stephanie. He had told her about that long ago, and when she accepted his proposal he assumed that she had accepted these dreams as her own. And up until last night he had no indication that he had been wrong assuming that. But now he felt like she had stabbed him in the back. She had told him that first of all she was going back to work fulltime (including Fridays and even weekends if necessary), and secondly that she didn't want to have children. When the words reached his ears, he had felt as though a knife was shoved in his back.

Tell me why do I feel so bad?
I want to hurt you deep in your heart
I feel so bad
I thought we were in real, real love

He couldn't help it, even though he still loved her lots, he wanted to hurt her. He wanted to make her feel what she had done to him, saying those words. To have her feeling that same "stabbed in the back" sensation. How could she do this to him if she really loved him…?

I feel so bad
I'm speaking from the inside
but now I want to fight against it,
and so you can't make me be hurt

Being a cop he wasn't used to being in this situation where he could be hurt so easily and so deeply. She had surprised him big time, and he didn't want to ever get a similar surprise in his life again. He had to make sure that he couldn't get hurt like this again, because he couldn't handle this. Fuck, he shouldn't have to handle this. He felt the heat of his anger rising.

Once as I was naive and silly
I thought you told the truth
now I know more about you
I will not believe in you, believe in you

Damn it! She had fooled him. She had lulled him into a nice slumber with her Fridays off, cooking classes and their attempts to get pregnant. It had all been a lie! She didn't want to get pregnant, she didn't want to cook and she didn't want to get a baby. And it took her apparently 3 years to find this out at the cost of HIS happiness.

Tell me why do I feel so bad?
I want to hurt you deep in your heart
I feel so bad
I thought we were in real, real love

He took a deep sigh, resting his head in his hands. Maybe he was being too irrational about this. Steph seemed really sorry about saying it, and she had said that she felt really guilty about this. That she hadn't done it on purpose, and didn't want to hurt him. Yeah right… But it did hurt and he wanted her to know just how bad.

I feel so bad
I'm speaking from the inside
but now I want to fight against it,
and so you can't make me be hurt

God, this song was getting to him. He smiled weakly at himself, and realized why the song started to get to him so much. It was because in the back of his mind he realized the implications of Steph's little "confession". It would mean that he wouldn't become a parent, he would never see his children grow up, looking like miniatures of him and his Cupcake. He would be back to worrying about her again when she was working. (He had managed to "convince" Vinnie to give her only the really low risk FTA's but somehow he had the feeling that Stephanie wouldn't accept that anymore and demand a full load.) And then there was the little "problem" of her friendship with Ranger… Sometimes he hated that man, just for the way he looked at Steph.

...when you look at me...will I ever be free?

Would he be able to change something so that he would be happy again? Would he be able to tell her about his wishes, since she made hers so VERY clear last night. Thinking about that… Had she actually ever considered what this would do to him, to them?

Tell me why do I feel so bad?
I want to hurt you deep in your heart
I feel so bad
I thought we were in real, real love

I feel so bad
I'm speaking from the inside
but now I want to fight against it,
and so you can't make me be hurt

He realized that as the song came to an end, so was his musing. He still felt angry at her for dumping this on him the way she did. But he loved her an awful lot, and he realized that above anything else he wanted her to be happy. Wanted her to have the things she valued in life. But he also realized that he wouldn't, no, couldn't give up his happiness and dreams in life… He almost felt good about himself now that he had clarified his feelings, despite feeling so bad. He realized he needed to talk to her as soon as they were both home tonight…

Hope you enjoyed part 3. Let me know what you think! TBC

Song: Feel So Bad - Valentine