Author: Ann (Chrystalsandsnowflakes)
Title: Love me but leave me!
Rating: (G to NC-17): PG-13 (I think)
Spoilers/Warnings: Part 4 of the series, set after EOT. TEARS AHEAD (but for a good goal)
Summary: Stephanie comes to terms with Joe's and her decisions
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, I just play with them
Love me but leave me!
With a deep sigh, I got into my car. It was Monday morning, I was going to work again after 3 months of doing other things. Well, quite honestly, of doing absolutely nothing apart from trying to make a baby. This weekend had been hell in a way, but on the other hand I felt relieved that everything was out in the open now. Me and Joe had had some very long conversations this weekend about how we felt and what our dreams and plans for the future were. It had resulted occasionally in a shouting match, but in the end we had reached a couple of very clear conclusions. Mmm, I thought, those conclusions… I turned on the radio, trying to get some distraction from those conclusions. I knew that the results of the "conclusions" would be all over the Burg no later than the end of the week, (hell, probably Tuesday night would be the latest) but that didn't mean that I wouldn't try to ignore them for a little while. I heard the familiar tones of a song that I always had liked. I didn't want to turn off the radio, but it brought my mind straight back to those "conclusions" and the conversations that we had had.
What's a woman when a man
Don't stand by her side?
What's a woman when a man
Has secrets to hide?
I remembered the start of our conversations. Joe had said that he couldn't accept my wish of not having children and going back to work fulltime and with a full case load. I had answered him.
"Damn it, Joe, why can't you just support my decisions? This is what I want, this is what I need!"
"But I cannot live with it, even though I want to make you happy."
"How do you mean 'you cannot live with it'? You have no choice really…" I felt myself getting very angry at him, feeling hurt and betrayed that he suddenly said this after 3 years of marriage.
"Cupcake" he said softly, "I realized for myself today that I want nothing more than becoming a father. I want children, I want to raise them, I want to see them grow. I only live once, and I am not getting any younger. I need this in my life" He looked like he felt really bad, but I could also see that he would not change his opinion. That didn't mean that I wouldn't try to change his mind…
She'll be weak
She'll be strong
Struggle hard
For so long
"But Joe, you know I have never wanted children. If you wanted children this much, why did you marry me?"
"I thought that that would change if you would get a little bit older and had a more settled life with me. That you would see that it was possible for you to manage that. That you could be a wonderful mother and have a good life"
"But Joe, I never wanted that kind of life!"
"Cupcake… Steph" Uh-oh "Please listen to me, okay. Please let me finish before you respond" MMmmm, should I, should I not, should I, should I not… Decisions, decisions
"Okay"
"I realize that I made some mistakes by hoping that you would change. I should have never expected that of you, even though I now realize that deep down I did. I love you so much, you were the only woman that I could imagine having children with, and I suppose that is the reason why I unconsciously wanted you to change… have actively tried to change you. That was wrong…"
I started to take a breath to answer him, but he held up his hand.
"No no, wait a moment, I'm not finished yet. You see, even though I am willing to take part of the blame here, you have also led me on by going to cooking classes, by starting to work part-time and so on. And let's not forget that I didn't put a gun to your head when I asked about having children. You said yes to me, and how could I know that that wasn't what you really wanted. You have given me no indication that you weren't happy, that you don't want this. When you told me a couple of days ago that you didn't want children, I felt betrayed by you. I felt that you took away my dream! That you lied to me all this time" Oops, he started to look really angry now. He took a deep breath to calm down and ran a hand trough his hair.
"Look, we both made mistakes. We cannot change that. But what is important now that we realize the implications of what we have said to each other in the past 2 days…"
What's a woman when a man
(What's a man without a woman?)
Don't go by the rule?
What's a woman when a man
(What's a man without a woman?)
Makes her feel like a fool?
What? Implications? I felt like I had spoken again before thinking when I dumped my decisions on him last week. He apparently had thought about this the whole day and had made his own decisions and reached his own conclusions. Hang on, what was he actually talking about!"What implications" I asked in a little voice. Somehow I got this feeling of impending doom.
"Stephanie, think about it. You really don't want children and I really do. I would like for you to stay at home, you want to work fulltime. Any job that you would do would have me worried a little bit occasionally, and you choose to be a bounty hunter. This will never work…" He looked me straight into the eye. I felt my world collapse.
"What are you saying Joe?""I am saying that we should start talking about separation and divorce. We can't go on like this"
When right
Turns to wrong
She will try
To hold on to the ghosts of the past
When love was to last
Dreams from the past
Faded so fast
"What! What do you mean? Divorce, what divorce? Why can't we solve this? We have solved all our other problems before, why can't we solve this? Aren't you even willing to try?" I could feel myself getting desperate and really angry. What happened to happily ever after, what happened to in good and bad times, what happened to … us?
"Cupcake…"
"DON"T you dare 'cupcake' me now! NOT now!"
"Steph, please, calm down and think about this. Do you honestly think that there ever will be a time when you will want to have children?"
"I … uh …" He had me there. I really couldn't see myself as a mother, I just didn't have those feelings, and I couldn't guarantee him that those feelings would ever come to me. He looked at me with quiet eyes, he knew the answer to that question long before I had realized it myself. And he had also realized the implications of my answer.
"I love you more than enough to never ask you to become a mother against you will. But I hope that you will not expect me to stay childless when that is my biggest wish in life right now." He looked sad and hurt. I felt the same way.
"Please, I don't blame you, really. It's just that I can't help the way I feel, and neither can you. But we shouldn't fool ourselves that we can make this go away. We love each other and…"
"Exactly Joe, are you just going to throw that away, just like that? What was it worth to you then, huh? If you can say goodbye so easily apparently!" I felt the anger rise in me again.
"Cupc… Steph, the last 3 years have been the best of my life, but lately I did notice that you lost your sparkle. And the reason that you lost it is because you changed. Slowly, but it happened all the same. And you changed because of things I asked you to do, but it didn't make you happy. And don't you dare imply that I don't love you! Of course I still love you, don't think that this is easy for me! I do this out of love for you!" That was it, that broke me. Joe pulled me into his arms and just held me. I started crying like my life depended on it… and it really felt like it did. The one thing that I had thought would always be there was starting to go away. I had always thought that our marriage would be forever, but I was wrong.
When I finally calmed down a little I saw that tears had run down his face too. We looked at each other a long time, slowly coming to terms with what had just happened, and what we were starting to accept. That our marriage was coming to an end… The end of an era.
"We will make an appointment with a lawyer for next week, is that okay?"
"You don't waste much time" I said with a wry half smile.
"I just don't want to stretch this out any longer. It will hurt us both so much…" I knew he was right, but it hurt like hell all the same.
All aloneIn the dark
She will swear
He'll never mislead her again
That night we had just held each other, both unable to fall asleep, but not wanting to talk about it any more. I felt so hurt, but yet I couldn't bring myself to give up my job or to want children. What did that mean? I knew I loved him with all my heart, but I just couldn't betray myself. And I couldn't ask him to betray himself as well. This was one big screwed up situation. I promised myself that I would never put myself in this situation again. I couldn't get hurt like this again, I wouldn't let a men do that to me again.
All those dreams from the past
Faded so fast
Ghosts of the past
When love was to last
I didn't really blame Joe… Okay, deep down I did blame him for making me feel this way, but then again, I probably made him feel the same way as well, so I couldn't fight him on it. I felt acceptance growing inside me. Wow, wasn't that a little bit too fast, shouldn't I have been devastated for at least a decade? For God's sake, my marriage just broke up after 3 wonderful years, and it took me about 5 hours to accept? What kind of horrible person was I? Did it mean that the marriage had been meaningless? Surely not! But I just couldn't blame this on someone. Not even myself! Fuck, fuck, fuck.
All aloneIn the dark
She will swear cross her heart
Never again
"Joe?"
"Yes"
"What does it say about the last 3 years, if we can accept this so easily?"
"It says that our marriage is so good, filled with so much love, that we are willing to make the biggest sacrifice for each others' happiness"
"We are one screwed couple if with us showing each other our love means breaking up"
"Don't ever imply again that this is easy…"
Cross my heart
Never again
"Joe?"
"Yes"
"Friends"
"Always"
TBC
Song: Vaya Con Dios - What's A Woman