Chapter 28: Lunch time, munch time, crunch time

After lunch Stephanie drove me back to the office. I could feel that there was something on her mind. Lunch had been great, we had talked about the things that had happened while she was away, but it seemed like something was occupying her mind in the background. Well, she wasn't the only one who was having serious thoughts. I had fallen asleep soon after she left the apartment last night, but woken up around 3 am when the painkillers had worn off. The cast was itching and my hand was hurting and I hadn't been able to fall asleep anymore, so I had had some time to think about the evening myself. I had almost lost it while she was there, but she had done the right thing to deflate the situation and it had made me feel more relaxed than I had for a long time. Her massage had felt very natural and loving and it made me once again realise that I missed that in my life. Someone who took care of me, so to say. I didn't need a lot of caring for, but on occasion a helping hand was nice, especially if those hands could massage the way Steph's could.

I still had to wear this cast for 4 weeks or so. I had been struggling along for almost a week with the splint, overdoing it and moving the fracture in my wrist. And now Steph was here, and she stepped in to help me on the right moments. She still allowed me to do a lot of things on my own, even if it took more time, but when it got difficult and frustrating she took over and helped me, without making me feel like an invalid. I realised that being able to ask for help was part of a serious relationship, to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of her was something that I found extremely difficult. I had always been afraid that it would start with little things and end up smothering me and then the inevitable discussion about my job and lifestyle. But this was Stephanie we were talking about. She was a bounty hunter herself, and she loved it. She knew me better than I was willing to admit, and she had never tried to get me to change occupations. Actually, she had been interested in me despite my job and lifestyle and I had been the one to push her off, because I thought it would be too dangerous. Too dangerous for my heart, more like it. And when she was gone I had missed her like crazy. I had tried telling myself that was because I worried about her safety, but that was just an excuse. I missed her, her vibrant personality, her unique look at life. And now she was back, looking better than ever and I had realised that I really wanted to try a relationship with her. I was scared shitless, but I still wanted to see if we could make this work. Just her and me. I could imagine what it would be like to come after a long day of work and to find her in the apartment. It would be wonderful. I also thought about the occasional heart attack I would have when a message came in about another exploded car, but I had those heart attacks anyway, even when we weren't together. I had had those heart attacks from about 2 months after we met, so that was nothing new. I looked at her and realised I loved her, more than I had ever loved anybody else. But was she interested in me? She had been nice, warm and friendly, even a bit playful, but so far there was nothing that had given me a clear sign. I wanted to know, I needed to know. If she isn't interested in me I don't think I can stay in Trenton, it would be too hard to see her and realise that the love of my life had moved on because I had been too afraid of commitment when she was willing to give a real relationship a try. I looked out of the window and realised we were in the garage and she had turned the engine off.

"Want to come up?" I asked. I'm the type of person who faces trouble right away. Military thing, I suppose.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you." Mmm, not sure if I like the sound of that. I nod in response and we get out and take the elevator up to the apartment. I open the door and she walks in.

"Would you like something to drink? I'm making coffee," she tells me.

"Coffee's good." This is still a strange situation for me. She is in my apartment, and she looks like she fits there, making coffee, knowing where to find the ingredients. I never had that feeling before.

"Have a seat, this won't take long," she says. I suddenly realise that she is completely in control of this situation. I feel nervous and unsure, but she seems calm and determined and that scares the shit out of me. I sit down on the couch, listening intently to the sounds from the kitchen. A few minutes later she puts down a cup of coffee in front of me and sits at the other side of the couch, her hands around the mug. I want this conversation to start, but I'm not sure how. Luckily she saves me the trouble.

"I wanted to talk to you about a few things that I realised while I was away." I nod, urging her to continue.

"You've been a part of my life for a few years now and you've seen me at my best and worst." She smiles at the memories and then continues.

"While I was away I realised that I wanted you to stay a part of my life." I still don't know where this is going, and it is driving me crazy. It takes all my willpower to stay seated and look calmly at her. She looks at me for a moment before she continues.

"I want you to become an important part of my life." It takes a moment before the words register. Important part. That sounds good, doesn't it? Better ask.

"How important?"

Stephanie POV

Ranger eyes were shielded when he asked his question. He tried to show how relaxed he was, but he wasn't fooling me. He was sitting very still, his coffee still untouched on the table. I almost smiled. I realised that I had become pretty good at reading Ranger. I knew what to look for now. And for the first time I realised that I was the one who was in control. I had always thought I would be a little ball of nerves during this conversation, but during the ride up to his apartment, I had felt myself calm down. I wanted to try a relationship with Ranger, and therefore I needed to know his feelings and ideas about that. Don't get me wrong, I would be devastated if he said that he couldn't have a relationship with me, but at least I had tried then. For the first time I agreed with the saying: it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. Time to answer his question.

"Promise me you'll let me finish before you respond." He nodded once. I took a deep breath and knew it was time to say the words out loud that had played in my head so often lately.

"While I was away, I had a lot of time to think about me, relationships and you. I analysed what happened in my marriage and what that meant for any future relationships. And I thought about you and my feelings for you. You have been a great friend to me since we met. You've been my mentor and you have backed me up when nobody else wanted too. That has always been very important to me. But I have also been attracted to you. I like the way you live your life, how much you are willing to give to people that you care for. I know you've done some pretty impressive things for me, and I admired you for what you did to get Sofia and me save when we were held by Scrog. You were willing to give your life for us." I took a slow breath and glanced at Ranger. He was looking at me with guarded eyes. I really wondered what he was hoping that I would say. Was he trying to shield his emotions because he was afraid that I would say I only wanted friendship from him while he wanted to try a relationship, or because he was afraid I wanted a relationship when he didn't and didn't want to disappoint me? Well, only one way to find out, so I continued.

"After my separation from Joe, you and I met up again, and I realised how easy it would be for me to love you." His eyebrows shot up at this comment, his first open sign of emotion. Guess he never considered himself a person that is easy to love.

"But I also realised that our old type of relation isn't enough for me anymore. My playing days are over, and I'm only interested in something serious. An open and honest relationship between 2 persons in which they share each others lives. In which they tell each other about what's going on, how they feel and show their emotions. In which they do things together, love and cry together and ultimately move in together. I don't need to get married again, I've done it twice and it didn't bring me what I hoped for. But I do want loyalty and respect and 100 dedication to the relationship, even if it is without a wedding to symbolise the bond." I took another deep breath and Ranger made a move as if he wanted to start to say something. I held up a hand and he closed his mouth again. Still, it made me wonder if he had wanted to start the 'sorry, but I can't do that' speech. It had actually come out precisely the way I had wanted to say it. I had made it clear what I wanted in a relationship. But I wasn't stupid and knew I had to let him know that I realised that his background and business didn't always allow 100 openness. But I wanted to let him know that there was a difference between knowing all the facts and knowing a person. I didn't have to know all the little facts of his life, as long as I knew HIM. So now it was time to move to the last part of my tale.

"I know that there might be things that you can't tell me, things from your past or from your present. I understand and respect that. But there is a difference between not being able to tell me about a specific detail of a job or not being able to tell me a specific detail about you. If you would be interested in a relationship with me I want you to share yourself with me, including any characteristics that might piss me off on occasion or that you think I won't like, but are part of you, just like I have character traits that will piss you off on occasion but make me me." I looked directly in his eyes to show him how serious I was about this part. He looked back, eyes full of emotion but I couldn't say if it was positive or negative so I went on.

"I realise that there still is the risk that we date for a while and have to come to the conclusion over time that we are incompatible. But then at least we know that we have given it an honest chance. Then I don't have to wonder whether it was your lifestyle, or my job or anything like that that made us break up. Then we know that WE are incompatible as a couple. We can't fault ourselves for trying, and then I hope we can remain friends." I gave him another intense look. Still no real reaction. Okay, here goes nothing!

"But I'm in love with you and I want to share my life with you and I want you to share your life with me. I… want… you. So I want to know: do you want me?" I let those words hang in the air for a while and slowly lifted my eyes up to meet his intense gaze. And for the first time I felt nervous. I had put it all on the table, and now he could end it all with a few words. All my hopes and dreams. The walls seemed to move in on me and I felt like I couldn't breath. I needed to get out of here for a while, I needed to get my strength back before he gave me his answer. When he shifted on the couch I quickly spoke up.

"I'm going to leave now for about an hour. I want you to think about everything that I said and when I come back we'll finish this conversation. I need to be sure that you've thought about your answer, about its implications and everything, because whatever you decide, that is final for me. It is either a 'yes, I want to try a relationship with you the way you just described' or a 'no, I don't want to try out a relationship with you'. There is nothing in between. No relationship means that a normal friendship is all we can have and that excludes any kind of kissing, inappropriate touching or sexual comments." He nodded and seemed to want to say something. I held up my hand once more.

"Please, don't say anything right now, even if you already know your answer. I need some time to… mentally prepare myself. Please," I said softly. He seemed to think about that and then nodded once more. I took a deep breath and stood up. I grabbed my bag and car keys and walked towards the door. I opened it and turned around to take one last look at him and the apartment. There were many memories for me here, mostly good ones and some very hot ones. But when I would return all those memories would mean nothing compared to the explosive emotions that I would feel when Ranger gave me his answer. I closed my eyes for a moment, took another deep breath and then closed the door behind me.

I looked at my watch while I was waiting for the elevator. It was a little after 2pm. I would return at 3 o'clock, so what to do until then. This would be the longest hour of my life.

I had already named Ranger's daughter Sofia before we learned in book 12 that her name was Julie.