Chapter 29: It's all about living life

I slowly leaned back against the couch after she closed the door, willing myself to relax. Wow, that had been some else. Obviously she had thought about it a long time, which was good to know. She was sure of her feelings and wishes. But even though I had come to the conclusion that I wanted her not that long ago, to hear her say it was something else. She had made it clear what she meant with a relationship and my initial reaction had been 'I can't give that kind of openness about my life'. But she had then added that she meant I had to share 100 of me, and maybe not all details of my life. So then the real question was: did I really want to share 100 of myself with her. I was scared to do that, had been for a long time. Having a spectacularly failed marriage in combination with a dangerous job made you very cautious. Everybody that was close to you was a potential threat because it made you vulnerable and you didn't think straight anymore when it came to them. And when you lived the type of life that I lived in those days you knew you could pay with your life for your mistakes. But now the situation was a bit different. I had quit the army, and even though I still did dangerous work, I had much more control now. Basically I couldn't use my job as an excuse anymore. I took a deep sigh and ran my left hand through my hair. Thinking about this made me admire her even more. I was scared shitless to even think about trying a real relationship with her, and she had actually said it out loud that she was in love with me. She was way ahead of me on this one. She might not look powerful in a physical way, but her mind had the strength of a bull. My phone shattered the silence. It was Tank.

"Yo. How was lunch?"

"Fantastic, best lunch ever."

"You took your time."

"Good things can't be rushed." Mmm, not sure we were talking about food here.

"So, how was your lunch," Tank asked. Ehm… ongoing?

"Fine."

"Steph left yet?"

"Yes."

"You okay?"

"Yes." There was a small silence after that. Tank knew that I wasn't telling him everything and I was contemplating letting him know what was going on.

"I need your advice," I told him.

"I'll be up in 5."

"How do you know that Lula isn't a … danger to you?" I didn't know how to formulate it otherwise.

"Danger?" His eyebrows rose and his tone was careful.

"You two are very close. She could… you know… I mean, we piss people off on a regular basis. They could use her to get to you." His whole attitude changed and shouted 'angry!' now. Tank looked at me for a long time, and in the end I looked away.

"You have something to say?" His voice was very cool. Shit, this didn't go as planned.

"What are you implying, Ranger? That she is just faking it?" He was standing very close now, and I was about 1 second away from getting my ass kicked, cast or no cast. I held up my left hand and took a step back and looked out of the window.

"No, no. Sorry. I meant: how do you know when it is safe to… to… love someone?" Tank was quiet for a moment and I could feel the atmosphere loosen up again.

"What brought this on?"

"Stephanie."

"Of course." Tank chuckled. This time it was me who turned around with an angry look.

"Hey, no offence man, but she is the only one that can make you think about these topics." Suppose he was right. I looked out of the window again.

"She said it was decision time: either we try a relationship or we don't." I looked at Tank again, and he nodded in understanding.

"So what did you say?"

"I didn't say anything yet, she gave me 1 hour to think about it before I tell her my decision." Tank whistled softly.

"She is serious," he stated.

"Oh, she is serious alright. She made it clear that it is either a full on relationship or no relationship."

"So, do YOU want a relationship with her?" I thought about that for a while.

"Yeah, I suppose I do."

"Then why the hesitation?"

"Because…" I stopped there. Because I was scared, basically.

"Do you really think that Stephanie would use you?" Tank sounded incredulous.

"No, of course not." I looked angry at Tank again. Tank was quiet for a while and then realisation dawned in his eyes.

"You are afraid that having a relationship with her makes YOU vulnerable," he said. I looked out of the window again. Awfully close to the truth. The silence stretched.

"Jezus Ranger, that's bullshit and you know it. You put the word on the street that she was yours before she married Morelli. That didn't kill her nor did it kill you." I started to say something but he continued.

"I know that she attracted some attention when you were FTA and then there is the whole Scrog episode, but she survived all that. She WANTED to help you, and she knew of the dangers. She isn't stupid, Ranger. She is a bounty hunter herself, remember! So stop using that excuse. You're just scared shitless that you get your heart broken." He knew he was right, and so did I. I looked at him again.

"Aren't you?" I asked him.

"With Lula?" he asked. I nodded.

"Sure, but right now that woman makes me feel better than I've ever felt. I love her and she loves me. That's all I need to know for now." I nodded again.

"Life is all about taking risks, Ranger. You might be able to control the risks at work, but this isn't about some job that you can plan. This is about LIVING your life. You either go for it or you don't. Stephanie has done some serious thinking about this apparently, and she is willing to take that risk. Don't forget, she puts her heart on the line here as well, she takes the risk as well. So you either dive in and hope that you can swim, or you stay on shore. Safe, but dry. There is no in between." I grimaced at the metaphor. He gave me a slap on my shoulder and turned to leave. When he was at the door he turned around and softly spoke for the last time.

"Ranger, nothing in the world can replace the feeling that you get when you know that someone truly loves you." He gave me one last serious look and then closed the door behind him. I turned to look outside the window once more and found I was hugging myself, longing for someone else's arms around me. So this was it, decision time.

Stephanie POV

I drove around aimlessly until my car found its way to the mall. Why not. I got out and wandered around Macy's but nothing caught my eye. I glanced at my watch. Another 45 minutes to go. Sigh. I walked in and out of stores, trying to get my mind to focus on something, anything really, other than Ranger and his decision. I wandered into Victoria's Secret and looked at their new collection. Immediately I had hot images flashing in my mind, imagining which sets Ranger would like and how he would respond to me wearing them. It was nice to think about that, it distracted me and this might be the only hour in my life that I could ever have those thoughts and know that there was a possibility that they might become a reality.

"Can I help you?" a nice looking assistant said, shaking me out of my daydreaming and x-rated thoughts.

"Uhm… No, thanks" I gave her a sad smile and left the store. I walked on and decided to find some food. But when I was standing in front of different fast food chains represented in the mall, I realised I wasn't hungry. In the end I settled on a coke, just to have something do hold in my hands and stop from fidgeting. Never new an hour could take so long. I found a table that had a newspaper on it, and looked at my watch. Another 24 minutes to go. I flicked through the paper, until I suddenly found myself staring at a picture of Ranger. I almost choked on my coke and quickly put it down. The picture took up about ¼ of the page and was taken somewhere outside. It didn't look like Ranger had known that the picture was taken, it looked like it had been taken from a distance with a good camera. It showed him from the chest up, wearing a black tight sleeveless black shirt and mirrored shades covering his eyes. I felt myself licking my lips. The photographer had been standing a little to his left, but had waited until Ranger had turned his head to that side. God, this man was attractive.

It took some effort to take my eyes of the picture and to find out what the reason was that Ranger was in the newspaper. I checked the front of the paper to see which paper I was actually reading. New York Times! Wow, Ranger had made it into the New York Times. Okay, not on the front page, but still. Despite my exploding cars I had never made it past the local papers. I read the text under the picture. Carlos Manoso, owner of Rangeman. Mmm, nothing new. There was one other smaller picture of a person that I didn't know either with the text 'John DeLucci alias the Snowman' under it. Then I looked at the title of the article. NYPD arrests 'the Snowman'. That didn't mean much to me, so I started reading the article. Turns out 'the Snowman' was the 'nickname' of a large drug dealer that was believed to supply large amounts of cocaine to an extensive dealer network operating in NY and surrounding areas. According to the article their sources told them that 'Mr. Manoso and his security company Rangeman had been of great help to the NYPD during the investigation. The information they gathered had been instrumental in securing a warrant for the Snowman's arrest and Mr. Manoso himself had been present during the arrest.' Present… That probably meant he had done the takedown himself, because Ranger didn't strike me as the type to just be 'present'. Apparently the NYPD didn't want to say anything about the role that Ranger and Rangeman had played during the investigation, which didn't surprise me. The journalist had added a paragraph in which he described Rangeman and its activities, or at least the ones that he had found out about. The article ended that he had asked Ranger to comment on the takedown, but apparently 'Mr. Manoso didn't wish to comment'. Imagine that conversation.

"We heard that you and your company contributed to this investigation. Could you explain the role that you and your company played?"

"No."

"No comments at all?"

"No."

"Can you confirm your role in the takedown?"

"No."

"You weren't present during the takedown?"

"No comment."

"So you were present during the takedown?"

"No comment."

"Could you perhaps elaborate on your role in this investigation?"

"No."

"Is there anything that you would like to say?" Exasperated tone here.

"No." Dial tone.

I smiled to myself and wondered how close it was to the truth. I also wondered how Ranger would feel about having his picture in the NY Times. He didn't strike me as the guy who wanted to be in the spotlight. And considering the 'no comments' from both him and the NYPD, it didn't seem like they had wanted his role to become known to the larger public. I would have to ask him about that. What can I say, it's not that I'm curious, but I just like to know everything. I looked at the front again, and saw that the paper actually was quite old, from 3 weeks ago. I wondered who would have kept this paper for 3 weeks and why, but realised there could be 100 reasons for that. A glance at my watch told me that it was actually time to go back to Rangeman, and to hear what Rangers answer was. On impulse I took the paper with me and went back to my car. The drive back felt like it took too long and was still too short. I wanted to know the answer, but dreaded it all the same. When I pulled up to the gate, it opened. I was glad, because I didn't want to call control to open the gate, and I didn't really want to call Ranger before I knew the answer. I parked in the same spot again and when the elevator doors opened, I got on. Indeed, the elevator went straight up to the 7th floor. The door was open again, and I had an incredible déjà vu feeling. This was how lunch had begun, just 2.5 hours ago. I went into the apartment and closed the door behind me. I turned around and walked into the living room. After 1 step I stopped. Ranger was standing in front of the large window, his back to me. He slowly turned around and looked at me. I couldn't get any vibe from him, good or bad so I just stayed where I was.

"Have a seat," he said while he gestured to the couch. But I shook my head 'no'. If he didn't want a relationship I wanted to leave immediately and I didn't want to be close to him. I wanted the answer, right here, right now.

"Yes or no, Ranger?" I whispered.