Before I go any further, I should tell you more about my friends. I'll start with Stacey, since you already know she's my best friend. Remember that problem I had figuring out how old Mom's cousin Mei is? Stacey is a math genius – she might have even been able to solve it! I'm completely serious. I get dizzy looking at her math homework – she's already mastered fractions! She's no nerd, though. Stacey grew up in Manhattan (really!) and is extremely sophisticated. She knows about trends way before they hit Stoneybrook. Stacey was the first girl in our class at SMS to do cocaine!
One of my friends, Abby Stevenson, would never try cocaine. This is because she is allergic to many things, so she is always congested and sniffling. Her nose would probably fall off if she ever snorted blow. Abby just moved to Stoneybrook from Long Island, but for some reason she doesn't have crispy, highlighted hair or thick acrylic nails. She does have a sense of humor that everyone calls "good," but I secretly don't think much of it. You see, Abby really likes puns and plays on words, which confuse me because they usually involve words that sound the same but are spelled differently. Oh, one last thing about Abby…I'm just going to come right out and say it – she's Jewish. When she first moved to Stoneybrook, no one really cared about that, but we love her just the same!
People sometimes think Mallory Pike is Jewish, because she has a really big nose. But she's not! I'm not sure what religion she is exactly, but I know her family is religious because Mr. and Mrs. Pike are always in their bedroom, yelling, "Oh, God!" Besides her parents, Mallory's family includes her seven younger siblings, a dog, and a hamster. With all those people, Mallory has to do a ton of chores to help out her parents. It's good practice for her future career, which will be waiting tables during the day while she waits for literary agents to respond to her queries. Mallory loves to write and is really talented. She's even won awards for her writing, most notably Best Overall Fiction in the Sixth Grade, when she wrote a fictional story about a girl with a whole bunch of brothers and sisters whose parents make her do lots of work.
Mallory's best friend, Jessi Ramsey, is also talented. Her talent, however, is reminding people of her race. Jessi shares her race with such esteemed folk as George Washington Carver, Martin Luther King, and Flavor Flav. You guessed it – she's black! Jessi is also a dancer. She has been studying ballet since she was four, and while I could never participate in an activity with such a boring uniform – always those black leotards and pink tights! Give me a magenta sweater dress over red leggings any day -- Jessi excels at it. Hmm, I've told you Jessi is black and that she dances, so…that's pretty much it. Oh, yeah. She used to tell jokes, but then she stopped, which is why we let Abby hang out with us.
Mary Anne Spier hangs out with us because I have known her since I was a baby. I'm pretty sure she cried less then. Mary Anne is extremely sensitive and very shy. She hates drawing attention to herself, which is why she started crying and ran out of her last birthday party. Mary Anne's mom died when she was a baby, and her dad made her wear boring clothes until, like, last year because of that. Now he's remarried and pretty much ignores Mary Anne, but for some reason she still won't let me give her a makeover.
Mary Anne's best friends are her stepsister, Dawn, who lives in California, and Kristy Thomas, who is another of my friends. Kristy had the idea for the Baby-sitters Club, which is really a business. All of us get together in my room three times a week, and parents call us to set up baby-sitting jobs for us to watch their children. The BSC is very successful. This past quarter, we had surplus revenues sufficient for three pizza parties with sodas and extra cheese. Kristy doesn't shave her legs or wear a bra, but she really is a girl.
It was Kristy who I called that night after dinner. "Hello, Kristy? It's Claud."
"This is Sam." Sam is one of Kristy's older brothers. He and Stacey used to date, until she discovered the allure of boys whose voices have begun to change.
"Oh, sorry. Is Kristy there?"
"No, she went to Europe."
"Okay, I'll call back later. Bye." I hung up. I realized I had forgotten to ask what time she would be back, so I got up and headed to Janine's room to find out how long it would take for Kristy to get back to Stoneybrook, assuming she had taken her bike. Before I made my way past the sculpture I was working on (a malted milk ball), my phone rang.
It was Kristy. "Hi, Claud. Sam said you called."
I didn't bother trying to find out how Kristy got home so quickly. "Kristy. My parents are going to Japan over spring break. Do you think Watson would want to copy their vacation and bring me along?" Kristy's stepfather, Watson Brewer, has a habit of organizing similar trips once he hears about vacations other people have planned. Kristy's family is so large, I'm sure they wouldn't notice an extra person coming with them! I wondered if I would have to get them to take Janine. I mean, she's going to have to learn sometime that this world is every man, woman, boy, girl, or other organism for himself, herself, or itself.
"I'm sure he would! He is a millionaire, you know." It is true. "I'll go now and mention that your parents are going. In about ten minutes he should think of the idea. I'll call you back." Yes! My plan was underway.
In about an hour, Kristy called me back. "Watson actually decided to go to Japan as soon as I said your parents were going, like, I hadn't even closed my mouth after saying the 'n' in 'Mr. and Mrs. Kishi are going to Japan,' I just couldn't call you back because there was an emergency during a game of Let's All Come In. Mrs. Noswimple kicked Bruce Stringbean in the stomach because he wouldn't stop singing 'Glory Days'. Anyway, the best part is that Watson invited the entire BSC to come along! He said he would need someone to watch the little kids while he was checking out the geishas. Nannie won't come because she was actually alive during World War Two and sort of hates the Japanese. No offense, Claud."
"None taken." At least the mystery of why Kristy's grandmother always shouted, "The sleeping giant done came and kicked your ass!" when she saw me was solved. "Why can't Charlie and Sam come?"
"Sam has a math club meet the first day of school after break and he needs to work on his trigonometry. For some reason, he can't master Soh-Cah-Toa." I wondered what the woman who helped Lewis and Clark explore had to do with math club. I would ask Stacey later. Actually, it sounded really boring, so I probably wouldn't. "And Mom's really mad that Charlie has been spending the money we give him to drive me around on books of hentai. She doesn't think it would be good for him to go to Japan."
"Yeah, she's probably right. Do you want to call everyone and let them know?"
"That Charlie reads dirty comics?"
"No, that Watson invited everyone."
"Oh. You can, if you want to. Or we could tell them at school tomorrow and call Mallory and Jessi."
"No, I can wait until the meeting." The last time I called Jessi's house, her sister put the phone down but forgot to call Jessi to it. I sat there for ten minutes listening to her Aunt Cecelia grunt loudly while doing what I later found out were push-ups. It made me sort of uncomfortable.
"Okay. I'll see you in school tomorrow. Bye."
"Bye, Kristy."
That Wednesday afternoon, I was shoving some art supplies and clothes under my bed so there would be room for everyone to sit during our meeting. I made sure the surprise snack I had bought yesterday for everyone was still in its hiding place, and before I knew it, it was 5:15 and the other club members were starting to arrive.
Stacey and Mallory were first. Mallory was wearing an enormous sweatshirt, which she peeled off to reveal a long-sleeved hot pink Spandex shirt that had sequined letters reading BOOGIE TILL YOU PUKE! "Isn't this awesome?" Mallory gestured to her top. "I bought it with my own money at Zingy's. I wore the sweatshirt over it so Mom and Dad don't know about it. They would put it in Pow's bed for sure if they saw it. They treat me like such a baby! I wanted to take the sweatshirt off for the walk outside, but it's still so cold. It's nice and warm in here, though, Claudia."
"Mmm." I was busy trying to ignore the fact that Mallory's top clashed terribly with her red hair. While Mallory was talking, Mary Anne had arrived. Her yellow sweater was covered in dark gray cat fur, which I also had to ignore. Sometimes I wish I had friends besides Stacey who dress as fabulously as I do.
Kristy and Abby were the next to arrive, and Jessi wasn't far behind them. "Okay, we're all here! I have – "
I was interrupted by Kristy, who had sat down in my director's chair. "What is that smell, Claudia? It reeks in here. Like gym socks with the Wednesday SMS hot lunch in them. Could you open a window?"
"Nooooo! If it gets too cold in here I'll have to put my sweatshirt back on!" Mallory whined.
"Could you turn on the air conditioner?" asked Stacey.
"Guys. I said I – " I was interrupted by Kristy again.
"Order! I call this meeting of the Baby-sitters Club – "
The phone rang,
"To order." She picked up the phone. "Hello, Baby-sitters Club. Two weeks from Tuesday? Well, my stepdad is paying for all of us baby-sitters to go to Japan, so probably no one will be here. I have to check with our associate members. I'll get back to you."
"Are you serious? Land of ramen, here I come!" shouted Abby. She got up and started bowing at everyone. The rest of the girls didn't seem to get what Kristy said.
"Kristy! I wanted to tell them! I had a special Japanese snack and everything!" I knew I sounded like a baby, but honestly. Kristy has such a big mouth.
"Was it Pocky? Charlie used to get Pocky at the store where he bought, um…never mind."
"No," I said grumpily and reached behind my radiator. "I bought sushi from the grocery store yesterday afternoon. It was on sale for half off because it was past the sell-by date."
"So that's what that smell was," Abby deduced.
"Ew," Jessi said.
"It was still good, Jessi! It was only one day past!"
"I was saying 'ew' to sushi in general. Eating raw fish sounds uncivilized."
I ignored her. Sixth-graders can be such babies. Well, Chris Brooks is pretty cute, but he looks like he got left back a few times, so he doesn't count. And there's no reason for me not to like a guy because he repeated a grade. There's nothing wrong with it, okay? "Guys, if you were paying attention to what Kristy said – "
Kristy interrupted me yet again. "Mary Anne, who's free two weeks from next Tuesday? The Kormans need a sitter for Melody and Skylar." She turned to me. "Professionalism supersedes personal announcements, Claudia."
"You're free, Kristy," Mary Anne said, the record book open in her lap.
"No, I'm not, I'm going to Japan. Oh, did I tell you guys? Watson is taking us to Japan for spring break, and he invited all of you guys to come! He needs sitters for the kids, so he'd pay your expenses. It'll be dibble!"
I was going to hit her.
"Acute!" That was Mallory.
"Fresh!" That was Stacey.
"Chilly!" That was Mary Anne.
"The Japanese are racist." That was Jessi.
"What?" the rest of us asked.
"They have a derogatory word for black people," she answered.
"So does the English language," Stacey pointed out.
"Oh, how would you know that unless you were racist, too? You make me sick. I bet you all make fun of my hair behind my back." Jessi reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out the bald cap she wore during the Sixth Grade Follies. She felt so guilty after Mr. Trout resigned, she's carried it around with her ever since. "Now you won't have to look at it anymore." She put the bald cap on and crossed her arms. Wearing her reading glasses, she looked sort of like a black Dalai Lama. I bet there are even fewer black Dalai Lamas than there are black ballerinas.
Mallory put her arm around Jessi, who shrugged it off. Mallory's lower lip quivered and tears filled her eyes. Mary Anne realized what was about to happen and started sobbing first. Abby was still bowing at everyone. Kristy, paragon (isn't that a great word? I read it in a Nancy Drew book once) of professionalism, said, "I better call Shannon and see if she can take the job. So, yeah, guys, check with your parents and let me know if you can come."
I offered the sushi around, but nobody wanted any. I noticed some weird, hairy-looking things sticking out of a piece of salmon and that some of the rice had turned a ghastly pink color reminiscent of Mallory's Spandex shirt. I hoped it was not a bad omen for the trip to Japan.