Prompt #12: I wish you were here tonight with me. I wish I could have you by my side - 'Still Standing' The Rasmus
A/N: Set pre-series.
Sometimes Irina looks at herself in the mirror and cannot see any trace of the idealistic young woman who left Moscow. Most of the time she doesn't care, but there are moments where she feels the sharp pain of loss, and she tells herself to stop thinking about Mama and Papa and her sisters. She reminds herself that she's here to serve her country, and one day she will go home and she can be herself again.
Except – most of the time she feels that she's already home. It would be easy to believe she's always been Laura, that this life is real, that she really does love Jack.
She's always been good at lying to herself.
In the beginning, she enjoyed the time alone when Jack was away, she used to allow herself moments – in private, of course – when she could be Irina again.
She's not sure when the house started to feel empty without him.
She tells herself it means nothing that she sleeps on his side of the bed, wearing one of his shirts, or that she has nightmares about him falling into enemy hands and never coming home.
She doesn't realize she's still supposed to be his enemy.
These are all things Laura would do, she thinks. She rationalizes and she justifies and lies to herself – because to admit the truth would be treason. Irina tells herself she's in control, that she knows what she's here for, she's still focused on the big picture.
Except now he's three days late.
She finds herself waiting for the phone to ring, and dreading it at the same time. No news is good news, she thinks.
He'll come home.
She places her palm against her belly and thinks of the child only just starting to grow.
He has to come home.