Note to readers this story was originally entitled Arthur's Day in Paradise which was an inaccurate description so it has been retitled Arthur Dent: Another Day in Paradise and as also been re-edited plus a second and hopefully a third chapter will be added. Thank you and enjoy the story.
Disclaimer: These are not my characters they belong to Douglas N. Adams and should be respected as his original work. I am just barrowing them for a moment and will return them unharmed if not a little weary. If this story doesn't sound like something DNA would have written that's because I'm not British so I don't have his accent. So please enjoy the story.
Arthur slowly woke up to the sound of someone moaning in pain - then realized it was him; he had a faint recollection of seeing a bright light then a sudden darkness before ending with the usual pain and confusion he's become so accustom to, if not fond of.
He carefully stood up and looked around to see that he was no longer on the Heart of Gold or in space for that matter, but by the scenery he could slightly short of; not quite; almost swear it was Earth. There was green grass like Earth, there was a blue sky like Earth, there was a bright yellow sun like Earth, and there were even trees and birds and bees like Earth. It was all quite Earthy if he did say so himself, and he did.
"It's all quite Earthy if I do say so myself" said Arthur out loud to himself, then rebuttal to himself with, "Will if not for the fact the Earth already blow up twice before".
He decided not to get his hopes up because his hopes always seem to get up and walk out on him, and he was getting very tired of all the disappointment and abuse. Yet, wherever he was and whatever all this was, it looked to him from the flag on the 5th green a lot like a golf course.
Before he could state the obvious, he heard someone yelling something he couldn't quite make out from behind him, but which sounded something like the word "fire" and the word "hole". As he turned around to see who it was and asking what it was they were yelling about, he was hit in the head by a very hard and fast moving object.
Arthur woke up with the feeling of someone who was being poked in the ribs with a stick – then realized it was because he was being poked in the ribs with a stick. As things began to become clearer, if not lucid, he could see the hazy image of someone's head; of two someone's heads; of two someone's heads on the same body and one of them was smoking a cigar.
"See it's him! Didn't I say that it was going to be him!" said Zaphod to Ford as he was smoking a cigar and poking Arthur with a stick.
They both were wearing the most God-Awful pair of gold golf shoes with little wings on the sides, white and green plaid pants, and blue sky shirts that read Eternal Paradise Country Club right above the pocket - to top it all off they wore three old-fashion knit golf caps, which had instead of the usual little knit ball a gold halo connected by a line wire. You could almost say they were holly-golfers but that would be a very bad pun indeed and an even worse characterization of what was yet to be explained.
"Yes you did. You said it would be Arthur lying here flat on his back like so much road kill and it is" replied Ford nonchalantly while he too smoked a cigar and stood next to a golf cart, "So I guess you win the bet, I owe you another drink" and proceeded to pour a dry Martini from the back of the golf cart and then handed it to Zaphod.
"Bet!? Drinks!?... Cigars!?" exclaimed Arthur as he rose up from the ground dazed, confused, and very offended at the notion of indiscriminately betting on his pain and suffering.
But what was worse as pure usual no one even offered to ask if him was alright, which he wasn't, or if he'd like a cigar, which he really didn't, or if he'd like a drink, well as long as it was tea, or at the very least if he'd like a ride in the golf cart, which at the moment he could have used if just for a place to sit down because he was feeling very dizzy.
"Heads up, bottoms down, and stomachs can split off into a neutral corner" proclaimed Zaphod as he totally ignored Arthur and consumed his drink like a fish out of water, then causally threw the glass over his shoulder into some bushes scaring a family of mice you had take up root there - and who were not happy at all about it either and said so in a quite a way that we can't repeat most of except for the last part which was, you wouldn't get a way with something like this if we where still back on Earth you two headed jackass, but then they remembered they weren't back on Earth so they ran away before someone could step on them.
Fortunately for them no one was paying them any mind at all because everyone was to busy listening to Zaphod think out loud of what to bet on next.
"Now let me think, what should we bet on next…" said Zaphod as he banged his two heads together furiously trying to think –- until finally flashing with a light of triumph in his eyes he came up with this, "… Eureka! I've got it. We'll bet to see how long it'll take Monkey-Boy here to black out again".
Ford looked at his good friend Arthur standing in front of him confused and in pain and patted him affectionately on the shoulder then back to Zaphod and said "You're on".
"Stupendous!" said Zaphod who was very ecstatic about it all.
"One moment now…" protested Arthur, "I refuse to be apart of your little wager! For your information I am not some kind of slot-machine that always comes up lemons or limes or what ever fruit that's considered bad luck. And just once, for God Sake, will someone tell me what's going on!?
"Funny you should mention GOD at a time like this Arthur considering it's for the Sake of God we're even here in the first place. That or someone made a very big error" said Ford somewhat off-coloredly.
"What? What's that suppose to mean?" asked Arthur.
"Hey, what's that suppose to mean?" inquired Zaphod though the comment wasn't directed at him – yet, to be honest he had completely forgotten he already knew the answer.
"Because we're dead" stated Ford bluntly.
"WE'RE DEAD!? HOW!?" exclaimed Arthur.
"No idea" said Ford.
"BUT WHY US, WHY ME!" demand Arthur.
"Why not us, why not you" answered Ford
"But how did it happen?" asked Arthur.
"Who knows it just happened" said Ford.
"It doesn't seem fair" said Arthur.
"Nobody said life was fair Arthur, but then again we're dead so it doesn't really matter" said Ford.
"Dead…" accepted Arthur soberly and started to feel woozy in the head again, "… are you sure?"
"Yes. We're quite dead, slightly pickled, and resting very comfortable in Paradise or the Garden of Eden if you prefer… at least that's how I understood it when the chap in the dress and harp explained it to Zaphod and me at the club house. Come to think of it he was the one who that told us about some idiot in a bathrobe getting hit in the head with golf balls out on the green, so that's when we came out here looking for you" said Ford and he started to eat out of the jar of olives for the Martinis.
"Oh, right that. I completely forgot about all of that hours ago" said Zaphod looking around to see what else he could bet on beside Arthur.
"I don't understand how you two can look so content about being dead" Arthur bellyached as he looked at the two going about their business as usual.
"You know, he's really starting to spoil my buzz" objected Zaphod to Ford as he drank another very dry Martini. Then took a drag from his cigar and blew a smoke ring around Arthur's head.
"Being dead is the next best thing to living rich" said Zaphod and bent the halo on his cap sideways.
"Wha, what does that even mean!?" flustered Arthur as he looked to Ford for a sensible translation.
He didn't get one.
"Don't you see this is the best thing for us Arthur, we've finally lucked out… ", explained Ford, "we've won the big jackpot, the golden goose at the bottom of the cereal box, the lifetime supply of free unrefined breathable oxygen, the buy one get one free then take the buy one back get a refund but still keep the free one".
Arthur starred bafflingly at Ford for a moment thought about looking to Zaphod for some enlightment, thought about that for another moment - decided against it, then went back to starring at Ford. This sort of thing would have gone on as they say "forever and a day" - which would have been even longer than normal being that they were in the afterlife – if not for a little divine intervention of sorts.
"Fire in the hole!" someone yelled from the other end of the field as they swung away very firmly at a poor little white ball just sitting innocently on the ground.
As it flu through the air it's only was comment that it had had a full life but regretted not finishing its screen play about young Albert Einstein in post-industrial Austriala.
"WATCH OUT ARTHUR!" cried out Ford pointing up at the sky.
"Watch out for what?" asked Arthur looking up at what Ford was point at but neglecting to move out of the way of the on coming mortar.
As a small spiraling ball bounced hard off of Arthur's head he fell backwards with a daft expression on his face. Looking up at the sky, the sun shinning down on him the last thing he sees is a bright light then a sudden darkness before ending with the usual pain and confusion he's become so accustom to, if not fond of.
"He's out cold again" said Ford starring down at Arthur.
"Looks that way" said Zaphod unsympathetic.
"Well you can't say I didn't warn him this time, because I did" declared Ford to Zaphod solemnly and formally but not under oath like he would usually have been doing in a situation like this.
"Yes you did. Hey, hold up! I've got a brilliant idea…" said Zaphod snapping his fingers, "…this time we'll bet to see if he remembers that he's been hit in the head with a golf ball when he wakes up".
Ford looked down affectionately at his good friend Arthur lying unhappily unconscious on the ground then back at Zaphod and said "You're on".