Toph's feet fell flat and dull against the ground. There was nothing, no vibrations at all. A horrible sick feeling grew in her stomach, the beginnings of panic rising in her chest. But then...a faint sound caught her attention. It seemed to be coming from all around her.
Buh-bum buh-bum buh-bum buh-bum
A racing heartbeat, even faster than her own thudding pulse.
With a sickening jolt, she woke and snapped upright, panting. Her throat tightened and she scrambled out of bed, barely making it to the toilet in time. She wiped her mouth with a groan and sat back on the cool stone floor then rested her cheek against the wall. Her heart pounded against her ribs, insides squirming, hands shaking.
It was just a bad dream. Just a bad dream…
But she didn't really believe it. She couldn't, not without confirmation. Reluctantly, she pushed her awareness deeper, searching.
"Motherfucker," she whispered with a whine that threatened to become a sob, but her misery was interrupted by the blaring of her alarm clock. With some considerable effort, she struggled to her feet and went to turn it off.
The silence that followed was suffocating. Blood pounded in her ears like drums. A battle raged on in her mind between the careful control she maintained, which was trying to suppress and repress, and the fear that was quickly becoming a huge fucking problem.
It was getting harder to breathe. She couldn't do it, couldn't fall back on denial. It was too real. Too definite. She crawled into bed, clawing at the sheets, desperately trying to wrap herself up in them for an ounce of comfort and security.
A few more gasping breaths. Nothing. It wasn't working. Her body had betrayed her, and now it was going to kill her. Can't breathe. Oh fuck, I can't breathe. She tried to scream for help, knowing the futility of it. She was alone. No one to help her find her way back. Sokka…
When Toph came to, she was completely tangled up in her sheets and drenched in sweat. But she didn't have a chance to contemplate that because what had woken her was hard to ignore: Someone was furiously pounding on her front door.
"Chief! Chief, are you in there?!"
She ignored him and he eventually gave up. The quiet returned. Her heart was racing again, yet somehow unable to drown out the other vibration.
Why did I have to wake up?
For a few minutes, she just lay there, almost wishing the panic would return and take her away again, despite how horrible it had been. She certainly wasn't going to be able to fall asleep normally. But being conscious was unbearable.
The obvious solution became clear in her mind and she stumbled out of bed to locate the whiskey in her pantry. This'll do nicely, she mused, plopping down on the couch with the bottle.
"Katara?" Aang called.
"In here!"
"Hey, have you talked to Toph lately?"
"Not since last week. Why?"
"Something's up with her. I just went to Headquarters to ask her something but Rinna said she didn't show up this morning. So I went to her apartment and I'm pretty sure she's in there, but she ignored me. I'm a little worried."
Katara frowned, confused. Toph had been in good spirits the last time they'd spoken. Things were apparently going well with that mysterious man. Maybe something had happened between them?
"I should go over there. Maybe she'll talk to me."
"Are you sure?" he asked – predictably – with a concerned frown. "Maybe I should come with you..."
Katara rolled her eyes. "I'll be fine. I doubt she'll let us in if we're both there."
"What if I come and wait with Appa?"
"Fine. But you might have to wait a while. She may need some...therapy."
"You sound like you know something?"
"I know her. She doesn't break often, but when she does, it's not pretty."
Why did I ever listen to Katara? Toph grumbled to herself, annoyed that the booze didn't seem to be helping much. Find a man, she said. Something light and casual, she said. Bah! What the fuck was I thinking? Idiot!
She supposed she could expect a visit from her dear, motherly friend any moment now. Aang had come by and sussed her out with seismic sense. She had been the one to teach him that in the first place! But Katara was different; she wouldn't give up so easily.
A knock on the door interrupted her silent rant, confirming her suspicions.
"Toph? Can I come in?"
Go away! Toph screamed in her head as the doorknob rattled.
"I know you're in there! I'm not going to leave, so you might as well let me in if you don't want me to break your lock. You could be lying dead on the floor, for all I know."
"Fuck's sake," Toph growled under her breath, lazily throwing her hand up in the direction of the door. It took her longer than usual to mentally grasp the metal, but she managed to slide the lock open after a few tries.
The door opened and closed, and Katara's vague footsteps approached. Toph had almost no sense of where her friend was, with her feet propped up on the tea table and senses dulled by the alcohol. She flinched when Katara sat down next to her.
"What's going on? Are you ok?"
Toph picked up the bottle of whiskey to take another swig but found it empty. How unfortunate. She chucked it across the room, where it shattered on the floor.
"Wha–!' Katara exclaimed. 'Are– Are you drunk?"
"I...very well might be," Toph replied, lips sluggish and reluctant to form words.
"What happened?" Her voice was full of concern, but also a heavy dose of disapproval. Katara's specialty.
Toph put her hands over her face and groaned. "I think I have another bottle somewhere. Whaddya say we crack it open, eh? I'm happy to share."
"What in the name of the Spirits makes you think I would do that? Even if I weren't six months pregnant?"
Her words had a malicious effect. Toph's jaw clenched stubbornly and her stomach began to churn. That tight feeling gripped her throat again and she leaned forward, retching. All the whiskey she'd drank made a return appearance, hitting the floor with a sickening splash.
Stomach and throat burning, she collapsed sideways onto the arm of the couch, only dimly aware of Katara getting up and walking away. Was she so disgusted that she had decided to leave? But no, Toph could vaguely sense footsteps pacing through her home, though she was too out of it to care what Katara was doing.
A little while later, her friend returned, kneeling on the floor in front of her. She pushed Toph's messy hair back away from her face. "Open your mouth." For a couple of minutes, she silently bent small sips of water into Toph's mouth. Well, at least the interrogation had stopped. Some small improvement.
Half an hour later, Katara still hadn't said anything. She had just been sitting quietly on the other end of the couch while Toph lay there, her head slowly beginning to clear. The dry mouth and taste of bile were starting to become unbearable, though.
"Is there any more water?"
"Yeah. Just a second." Katara got up and came back shortly. There was the tinkling sound of water pouring, then she handed Toph a tin cup. "So are you feeling better now?"
"Somewhat worse, actually. So thanks for that."
"Are you ready to tell me what happened?"
Toph grunted in response; she definitely was not.
"Something to do with…'the guy'?"
"He's away on one of his trips," she said with a dismissive wave.
"Did you two get into a fight before he left?"
"He's not my boyfriend, Sugar Queen. And this isn't about him."
"What is it about, then?"
Toph rubbed her hand slowly down her face, regretting engaging in this conversation. Why couldn't she just keep her damn mouth shut? Unfortunately, her stomach decided to rebel against the water, which was currently sloshing around unpleasantly. "Ugh... I think I'm going to puke again." She sat up and a mostly-empty pitcher was shoved into her hands just in time for her to spew everything she'd just drank.
"Whichever way I look at it," Katara began hesitantly, "I can only think of a few things that would make you self-destruct like this. If it were about Sokka, I would know, too. Obviously, it's not work-related, or Rinna would have known. That only leaves one thing..."
Toph groaned inwardly; Katara was onto her.
"And if that's the case," her friend continued, "you really shouldn't be drinking. I don't know if you know that or not…"
She thought maybe there was a small part of her that did know that, but it wasn't something she particularly wanted to think about. "Don't you fucking come into my home and tell me what I can and can't do! You don't know as much as you think you do."
"Alright. Tell me I'm wrong, then. Go ahead."
"You're wrong!"
"You're lying."
"You're going to say that no matter what I say!"
"Actually," Katara said calmly, "if you'd acted like you had no idea what I was talking about, I might have bought it."
Goddamnit. The mistake was obvious to her now that it had been pointed out. Still, Toph tried her damnedest to come up with something Katara would believe, but her thoughts were still thick and hazy. "Fuck off," she muttered, defeated.
"I'm trying to help you!"
"How? By lecturing me? By being condescending? I don't fucking want your 'help'!"
Katara sighed dramatically. "Some things never change," she muttered under her breath, though of course, Toph could hear her.
"Yep, I'm still the same stubborn asshole I was twenty years ago."
"You're also my best friend." She went quiet for a moment. "I assume you're hoping that you can drown this problem in alcohol–"
"I'm not," Toph mumbled. "I just–" She pressed her palm against her forehead. "–wanted to sleep. But. Maybe…if it can do both…"
"That's not a good idea," Katara said, her voice surprisingly gentle. "I've seen what happens when women drink during pregnancy. Sometimes the baby lives, but it's…not right."
"Not right?" Against her better judgment, Toph was grimly curious.
"There can be lifelong consequences. Trouble walking and talking, and learning things. It can be a severe disability. I wouldn't wish it on anyone."
"Well…then give me another option."
"If that's really what you want, there are ways. They don't always work, though. The more effective they are, the more dangerous. It's not something to do on a whim. You need to be absolutely sure it's a decision you can live with."
Two small scars on Toph's heart flared suddenly. Inconveniently. Why did they still hurt this much after so long? How much more would it hurt if it were deliberate?
She rested her forehead on her fists, slowly shaking her head, at war with herself. Two equally awful choices. That familiar pressure started to build again, like walls pushing on her from all sides. A cage. No way out. She took a shaky breath, terrified of being overwhelmed again.
Katara wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Look, I know you're scared–"
"I'm not scared," Toph shot back icily, shrugging Katara's arm off. Anger was better. "I'm fucking pissed! I do not want this! I don't want to give up that much of my life! I can barely hold this city together as it is!"
"Can I tell you a secret? Something even Aang doesn't know?"
"...What?" Toph asked slowly, thrown by the unexpected question. She had fully expected to be told – gently but condescendingly – that this was her own fault.
"I… I didn't want to have another baby," Katara said in a very small voice. "For weeks after I found out, I cried my eyes out whenever I was alone. It was before we even knew Kya was a waterbender."
Toph was silent. She didn't have any idea how to respond to that startling and uncomfortable confession.
"I'm not saying this to elicit sympathy," Katara continued. "I'm ok now. I knew when I married Aang that I had a responsibility to bring new airbenders into the world. I love my children more than anything, and I'll love this one just as much, airbender or not. But it's hard. It's hard, even when you want it, and much harder when you don't. I just want you to know...that I recognize that. And I'm here for you, in any way you need me."
Several unwanted tears dripped silently down Toph's face when she squeezed her eyes shut. She knew Katara's words were well-meant, but they weren't making her feel any better. If anything, she felt worse, the anger becoming harder to hold onto as self-pity bubbled up. "I'm not like you. I've never once wanted that life, and I've gone to great lengths to avoid it. And I'll be a shitty mother. You know it, I know it. Any random person you ask on the street would know it."
"Aw, c'mon. Don't be so cynical. You're actually good with kids. All your rough edges aside, you've got a big, soft heart. I know you love Bumi and Kya to bits."
"I don't spend that much time with them. I'm one-hundred percent sure I'd get sick of them if I had to be around them all the time."
Katara laughed. "You think I don't get sick of them? Spirits! Sometimes I want to pull my hair out."
"That's supposed to make me feel better?"
"There are good times, too. When they climb up in your lap and fall asleep. When they skin their knee and run crying to you to make it better, that trust and love. They look at you like you're their whole entire world. Because you are."
"I'll never see that," Toph whispered, surprised at how bitter the thought made her.
"You will. Maybe not with your eyes, but in other ways."
The direction the conversation had taken only served to dredge up another fear, one she had buried deep and refused to acknowledge for a very long time. "What if..."
"What?"
"...What if it's blind?" Toph whispered. "What if it's blind, and not an earthbender? Completley helpless." That concern was now further weighed down by guilt, thanks to Katara's cautionary tale. "What if it's my fault..."
"Don't beat yourself up. I think you threw up most of it, anyway. Just...don't do it again. And as far as the blindness goes, if that happens, it won't be because of anything you did. I'm not going to patronize you and tell you that everything's going to be ok. I don't know how it will turn out. But there's no sense in driving yourself crazy worrying about a possibility you have no control over."
No control. That was the problem. "Don't tell anyone about this," Toph said. "Not even Aang!"
"I'll keep it to myself, if that's what you want. But just out of curiosity, why do you care? People will find out eventually."
"Not necessarily. It's still early. Last thing I want is to have to deal with unwanted and unnecessary pity if this problem, you know, sorts itself out. Wouldn't be the first time," she muttered, leaning back against the couch. "Or the second." A long silence followed the confession and she sighed. "But I'm sure you probably already knew that."
"I… No... I mean, I have wondered about the possibility, but I figured Sokka would've told me about something like that."
"Well, what do you know? I guess the meat-brained idiot can keep a secret, after all."
"So…he does know?"
"Of course."
"When did it happen?"
"Can we not do this?" Toph said through gritted teeth.
"I– I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." Her voice was thick with sorrow and sympathy, though it was anyone's guess who the feelings were intended for. Toph herself? Her offspring that didn't survive? Sokka and his dreams of fatherhood? Maybe even Katara's own hopes of having nieces and nephews? "Well. Anyway. Um, how far along do you think you are?"
Toph shrugged. "I dunno. Few weeks? A month?" She frowned deeply. "This is all your fault, you know."
"My fault? How exactly?"
"You're the one who told me to go find myself a fuck buddy, against my better judgment."
"Do you have to be so crude?" Katara said with a long-suffering sigh. It was a familiar sound.
"You might not have used those words, but we both know that's what you meant."
"No, I didn't. I wanted you to find someone you enjoyed spending time with so you weren't so lonely. And excuse me for assuming you knew how to be careful."
"Remind me again how many of your kids were accidents? And for your information, we were extremely careful. I honestly don't know how the fuck this happened. How any of them happened."
"To be perfectly honest, I'm surprised you were even willing to risk it after having two losses."
Toph sighed. "I guess I convinced myself they were just unlucky flukes. And, well… Time has this way of…making things fade..." Until you dragged it all back out with your logic and your warnings and made it hurt again.
A knock on the door interrupted her musings. "Katara?" Aang called from the other side. "You in there?"
She got up and crossed the room to talk to him. Toph could hear their quiet conversation.
"Everything alright?" he asked.
"Eh...more or less."
"Do you need some more time?"
"You can have her back, Twinkle Toes," Toph said without getting up. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Katara asked. "I'm happy to stay as long as you need me to."
"I don't need a babysitter. You've made your point."
"That's not what I meant. I just thought–"
"I'm fine. I think I'm going to try and sleep."
"Alright. Maybe try to eat a little something? And drink some more water."
"Yes, Mother."
"We'll let Rinna know you're taking the day off. Send me a telegram if you need anything. "
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
As glad as Toph was when the door finally clicked shut after them, being alone once again brought her no relief. At least talking to Katara had been enough of a distraction to keep her calm.
Get a grip! she berated herself. Like it or not, this is happening, so you're just going to have to deal with it.
She wanted to fall into the blissful obscurity of overconsumption, but Katara had taken that option away. Instead, she pulled herself from the couch's grasp and stumbled to her bed, still a little tipsy.
Sleep came easier than she thought it would and she woke some hours later with a pounding headache. Eight o'clock?! Ugh. Great. Now I'm going to be up all night. Queasiness battled with hunger. It had been almost a full day since her last meal. Granted, she had been asleep for a good portion of that time, but still.
She found some stale bread in the kitchen and climbed back into bed with it and a glass of water, unable to stomach anything else. It did make her feel a little better, though. The nausea faded into the background, leaving her with an odd sense of calm. Everything was so still. So quiet. And with a small amount of focus, she could feel it beating away furtively, deep inside her. An incessant throb that whispered of inevitability.
What a sick joke this was. She didn't want to think about Sokka right now, but it was impossible not to. Quite possibly a lifetime of happiness with him, poured down the drain to run from something that was just going to fucking happen anyway. Without him. When he found out, would he ever forgive her for it?
And that dream still lurked in the back of her mind, though she had pushed it back far enough that it hadn't graced her awareness in years. Maybe if she'd forced herself to think of it more often, she wouldn't have taken the risk.
Stop it, Toph. Thinking like that isn't going to make this go away. You've been here before. You have a stressful, rigorous life. More than likely, this won't even stick. It'll be bad, but there's nothing you can do about it. And then things will go back to normal.
The more she thought about it, the more it became clear that, between work and Sport Bending, there probably wasn't anything to worry about. It was just a tiny, delicate glimmer of potential life, after all. Fragile. Better to just go about her life and not worry about it for now.
‹¤›‹¤›‹¤›‹¤›‹¤›‹¤›
"I'm feeling good about this match," Siana said confidently while she and Toph changed in the dressing room. "I'm so pumped. And, well, I'm on your team, so that pretty much guarantees a win."
Toph was barely listening to her. A strange sensation was creeping up her neck – an odd heat, almost. It began to spread upwards, making her feel lightheaded, and she leaned against the lockers for support.
"Toph? You ok?"
Siana's voice echoed strangely in her ears. Barely aware of what she was doing, Toph sunk down to the floor. The next thing she knew, she was lying on the cold stone in an empty room. Still a little dizzy, she pushed herself up to sit against the lockers. What the fuck happened? But before she could come up with an answer, three sets of footsteps hurried into the room.
"Toph!" Riju exclaimed. "Are you ok? What happened?"
"Uh…I'm not sure."
"You fainted," Siana said as someone else knelt down next to Toph.
"Are you in any pain?" the woman asked, her voice registering as one of the healers that sat on the sidelines during the matches. She tried to put her hand on Toph's shoulder but was quickly brushed off.
"No. I'm fine. Really. It was just a freak thing. I feel fine now."
"Do you want me to check you over?"
"That's not necessary," Toph said quickly.
"Alright, well…you should probably sit this match out."
"What–"
"I'm going to have to agree with her," Riju said. "It's not safe. If it happens again during the match, you could get hurt."
"But if I bow out this late, it'll be a forfeit! I'll have a loss on my record!"
"It's not that big of a deal. It's not a real loss."
"It still counts!"
"Your safety is more important. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. I'd make the same call for anyone else."
"Ugh!" Toph struggled to her feet, still feeling a little strange. "This is ridiculous! Look. I'm fine. "
"You looked fine before you fainted, too," Siana said.
"Why are you on their side?" Toph snapped. "You'll have to forfeit, too!"
"I'd rather forfeit than lose because you're not well."
"I'm calling it," Riju said with finality. "You can play tomorrow as long as you get checked out and cleared."
She ground her teeth angrily, realizing he wasn't going to be swayed. "Fine." With that, she stormed out, though he was right behind her.
"Do you want me to walk you ho–"
"Leave me alone!" She flicked her wrist and earthbent the stone under his feet, pushing him back. But she didn't go home. Instead, she found herself catching the ferry to Air Temple Island.
It wasn't a fun trip. Though she had suffered only the occasional bout of nausea since her day of heavy drinking, she lost her dinner halfway there. That damn extra heartbeat mocked her as she leaned over the railing, spitting into the water below. It was much stronger now, a constant noise that she was more or less used to, yet couldn't block out.
"Oh, hey Toph," Katara said, relaxing in the living room with Aang.
"How was your match?" he asked.
"Not good," Toph grimaced, reluctant to tell him what had happened. "Katara, I need to ask you something. In private."
"Yeah, sure. Just a sec."
"No, don't get up," Aang said, standing. "I'll go."
Toph sat down and waited for him to leave, taking a moment to notice Katara's labored breathing. "You alright there?"
"Yeah. Just tired, and getting kicked a lot. I think he's getting impatient. So what's up?"
"Is passing out a normal symptom?"
"Yeah, it's a pretty standard one. Are you ok? Did you fall during your match?"
"I didn't even get to play. It happened in the locker room."
"But did you fall?" Katara repeated, voice full of concern.
"No."
"Well, I'm glad you had the good sense not to try and play."
Toph let out a derisive scoff. "They wouldn't let me. Now I have to get 'checked out' before I can play tomorrow."
"Well, if you're expecting me to clear you, you can forget it! I know I can't stop you from being reckless but I'm not going to help you do it!"
"How is it reckless?" Toph demanded, shoving down a surge of guilt. "I'm undefeated. And even if something did happen, that's life, isn't it? And no more dangerous than my job. I can't wrap myself in a protective bubble or put my life on hold. I've moved on before, I can do it again."
"You're three months pregnant, Toph!" Katara spat in a furious whisper. "If you have a miscarriage right now, it won't just be some cramps and bleeding. You'll have real contractions and deliver a tiny, dead baby! Is that really what you want?"
The harsh, graphic words made Toph feel sick to her stomach and she put a hand over her mouth, trying not to gag. "No," she choked out.
Katara sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried you're going to do something you end up regretting."
"Fuck, I'm so confused..." Toph muttered in a shaky voice, trying to process what she was feeling. It had been two months of something akin to denial. Not denial that the 'thing' existed, but that it would continue to exist. But the vivid picture Katara had painted was a piercing reality check.
"Confused?"
"I don't– Ugh. It just sucks. It fucking sucks. Obviously, I don't want to go through...what you said." She swallowed thickly, trying not to think about it. "I'm not a sociopath."
"I know you're not," Katara said gently.
"What if I can't do it?" Toph demanded, clinging to a sudden burst of anger. "Why should I put effort into trying, just to fail? What if I'm broken? If I actually try, and it still…" She locked hands together behind her neck, taking some small comfort in the pressure.
"You're not broken. Getting through the first three months usually means it's healthy and your body has accepted it, and you've managed it without even changing your lifestyle at all. I'd say that's a good indication that it's strong and hardy. But you can't keep going like this. What if you get dizzy and get hit during a match? Or pass out while you're flying through the air on your cables?"
"Great," Toph snapped. "So no patrols and no Sport Bending. Why not just take away everything that brings me an ounce of joy?"
"I didn't do this to you."
"Ugh. Ok. Fine. You win!" She flung her hands in the air in defeat. "Fuck. I'm so– so fucking angry. It's not fair. I feel like I'm being punished, like a child. And for what? Having some fun? Not wanting to be alone? I didn't do anything morally wrong."
"I know. And you're right, it's not fair. There's a lot about being a woman that's not fair. Just be glad you weren't born in the Northern Water Tribe."
"Don't patronize me. I know things are shitty up there. That doesn't make this shit situation any less shitty."
"Look, I know you're angry, but I'm exhausted and uncomfortable and really not in the mood for you to take it out on me."
Toph grumbled something under her breath that may have loosely resembled a half-hearted apology.
"So…does this mean you're finally going to start taking it easy?" Katara asked.
"What choice do I have? Ugh. I imagine that'll liven things up at work when I take myself out of the patrol rotation. People are already starting to comment on my eating habits."
"You still haven't told anyone? Not even your captains?"
"Eh?" she shrugged. It hadn't been something she'd given much thought to, having convinced herself the problem would go away. "Haven't gotten around to it."
"But surely you've at least told...the father?"
Toph grimaced, though she was surprised it had taken two months for Katara to bring it up. "He's been away since I found out," she lied.
"Oh. How do you expect him to react?"
"Who knows?" But, of course, she did know. It wasn't a conversation she was looking forward to.
Sleep was elusive that night. Lying wide awake in bed, she pressed her palm against her stomach, hand trembling. With enough pressure, a firm lump could be felt just beneath the surface. She couldn't help but shudder, thoroughly disturbed.
The reign of denial was over. Katara had forced a change in her mind. The 'thing' was no longer a vague suggestion of life, but an actual person that – sooner or later – was going to come out, dead or alive. She tried to summon something, anything, besides anger and dread and resentment. Some shred of maternal warmth. She thought maybe she had briefly glimpsed it, long ago. But...that was different. Her bond with Sokka had affected her perception of the experience.
The same was not true with Kanto. She...enjoyed him. Nothing more. This creature inside her did not belong to him. He was just the catalyst for a future that she hadn't asked for and didn't want. What sort of life would this kid even have, being hers? Always coming in second to her her job. Raised by someone who had no desire, much less natural ability, to be a mother.
And what of its father? Kanto was a truly decent person, but had never been shy about his fiercely negative opinion of kids. As far as Toph had been concerned, that trait was a perk. It meant he would never try to domesticate her.
There was a question that begged asking: Even if he did stick around, which was doubtful, would that be better...or worse? He'd be an errant, ghostly figure in his kid's life, and probably a constant source of stress. She would honestly prefer it if he just vanished and left her to do this alone, her own way, without interference.
Well, that was easily achievable. All she had to do was tell him it wasn't his. He would happily believe her without asking too many questions. Having come to that conclusion, she nodded to herself, actually feeling a tiny bit better about the situation now that she had something of a plan.
Of course…Kanto was far from the only issue. She knew what would happen once she told her parents. They would relentlessly pressure her to get married as soon as possible to avoid bringing shame on the family. As if I haven't done enough to immortalize the Beifong name, she thought bitterly. Nothing good I do will ever be enough, but put one foot wrong and no one will ever forget it. I guess at least I can make sure this kid grows up far away from that high-society bullshit.
She realized, with some surprise, that she wanted to prove she could do better than her own parents. It wouldn't be difficult; they had set the bar pretty low. Was this desire just petty stubbornness? A side-effect of her competitive nature? Or was it something close to that maternal instinct she'd been looking for? Would that eventually kick in and show her the way forward? Or would she flounder helplessly, lurching from one bad decision to the next until she ended up with the miserable human being from her dream?
No, she told herself severely. That's not the future. It was just a dream, and you don't even remember what actually happened. You control your own life, your own future. You're just going to have to do what you can with what you've got. You're Toph Fucking Beifong, and you don't take shit from anybody. So suck it up and quit feeling sorry for yourself.
"Fuck," Toph whispered, her head in her hands. "Fuck."
"What's wrong?" Rinna asked.
"Nothing. Ignore me." She knew her observant secretary probably already knew – or at least suspected – but she was far too agitated to broach the subject.
The previous night's acceptance that she was really, actually going to have a kid in a matter of months had resulted in a furious stream of increasingly manic thoughts and questions as soon as she tried to get some work done. She stood abruptly, chair scraping noisily on the floor. "I have to go out. I'll be back in a couple hours."
The journey to Air Temple Island had never taken so long and she arrived to find Katara mysteriously absent. Where would she have gone? She can barely walk! Toph paced back and forth across the living room, unable to silence her anxious mind. The minutes ticked by slowly, agonizingly.
"Toph?" Katara's voice nearly made her leap out of her skin, so distracted she had been by her thoughts. "What are you–"
"Where have you been? I've been waiting for ages!"
"Aang and I had to do something at Bumi and Kya's school. He just dropped me off... What's the matter? Did something happen?"
Everything that had been swimming around Toph's head all morning erupted out of her mouth. "Six months from now I'm going to have a real, live infant to deal with! I– what the fuck am I supposed to do about that? How the fuck am I supposed to work?
"Hold on, just–"
"I can't bring it with me! I mean– I can't, right?"
"Well, you–"
"And how am I supposed to take care of it, anyway? I don't even know how to change diapers, or the right way to feed it, or how often, or– or how to get it to stop crying. I don't have anything even remotely resembling a maternal instinct."
"Toph, will you–"
"And what about all the stuff? I have no idea what I need or where to get it. And clothes! I'm going to have to get all new clothes when mine don't fit anymore! Because this thing is taking over my body, getting bigger and bigger and–"
"Will you just shut up for a second!" Katara shouted. "Stop pacing and sit down!"
Toph was breathing heavily, completely worked up, hands trembling at the thought of what was inside her. And was eventually going to erupt violently from her body. She fell onto the couch with a groan. "I can't do this…"
"Sure you can."
"No… You don't– You don't get it. I don't want to do this."
Katara slowly lowered herself into a chair. "Well…if you really, truly do not want this child, I'm sure there are people out there who would take it, discreetly."
Toph sat up straight, taken aback. "Give it away?" she mumbled. A second later, indignant anger bubbled up. "You really think I'd fucking do that?"
"Well? Are you emotionally attached or not? For Spirits' sake, pick one."
"I'm–" She couldn't stop a frustrated growl from escaping. "I'm not going to go through all this misery for fucking nothing. I'm not going to let some strangers raise my kid."
Much to her surprise, Katara laughed. It was a brief, tired noise, but it was a laugh. "The Mama Bear rears it's ugly head. I knew you had it in you."
Toph rolled her eyes and huffed; Katara would never understand. It was a control issue. She'd gotten herself into this mess, and she was going to deal with it her own way.
"What's with this sudden panic, anyway?" Katara continued. "You seemed fine when you left last night."
"It's not panic. I just can't stop thinking about things. As soon as I sat down to revise the patrol rotation, I started thinking about all of the other changes I'm going to need to make in my life, all the plans I have to make for the immediate future. The more I think about it all, and try to picture myself with an actual– fucking baby –" She had to stop and take a breath. "It's… It's impossible. I don't even know where to start."
"Having a nice, long conversation with the father would be a good place. Figure out how to share the responsibility–"
"He's not going to be involved," Toph said flatly.
"I thought you said he doesn't even know yet? Or did you talk to him last night?"
"Just let it go."
Neither spoke for several long seconds.
"Alright…" Katara said finally. "Well. If that's the case, you'll need to hire a full-time nanny so you can go to work."
"Great. So no matter what I do, I've got to let a stranger basically raise this kid."
"I don't know what to tell you," Katara said with a weary sigh. "The alternative is that you quit your job and do it yourself. Is that really what you want?"
"Obviously not," Toph said petulantly. "I just–" There was no good answer. One responsibility required her to slough another off onto other people. Never mind that she didn't want either. But they were hers, nonetheless. "Ugh. Whatever. I'll get a nanny."
"I know it all seems overwhelming right now, but you've got plenty of time to figure things out. You can ask me anything you want to know."
Toph shifted her armor a little, trying to relieve some of the discomfort. "Are my tits always going to hurt this much?"
"Well…" Katara said with a light laugh. "I mean, yeah, kinda."
"Can't I just use bottles instead? My nanny will have to, won't she?"
"You could try to find a wet nurse. There might not be anyone available, though. The invention of baby formula a few years ago probably made the profession less popular. Either option will be expensive, though. For all its challenges, breastfeeding is cheaper and more convenient. It goes where you go and it comes pre-warmed."
"I guess so," Toph muttered, not looking forward to the experience. But more than anything, she hated realizing that, for every question answered, five more popped up. She was woefully unprepared for this.
"You'll probably want to start looking for either a wet nurse or a regular nanny pretty soon. It might take a while for you to find the right person."
"Yeah," Toph agreed. "I'll definitely want someone ready to go beforehand so I can get back to work ASAP. Do you think I'll be able to work right up until the end?"
"Maybe. You'll just have to see how it goes, how you're feeling. But you'll probably want to take a couple of months off afterward."
"A couple months ?" She let out a brash laugh. "You cannot be serious. There's no fucking way."
"I'm very serious. You're going to be exhausted, even with a nanny, unless you plan on hiring another to do nights. Newborns have to be fed every couple of hours. Sometimes it takes a while. Realistically, you might only be able to get thirty minutes to an hour of sleep in between feedings. And that's if the baby goes right back to sleep, which isn't a guarantee. And of course, you have to factor in diaper changes."
"How–" Toph was dumbfounded. "How is that even possible? How is a person supposed to function like that?"
"With help. You don't have to do this alone, but you need to be realistic about your job. Start making plans now to take some time off. Delegate more responsibility to your captains. And I mean permanently. You need to make room in your life for another person."
"That's the problem!" she cried, throwing her hands in the air in frustration. "I don't know how to do that! I don't want to! It's exactly why I've never wanted kids in the first place!"
"I know. But I will help you. Actually, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think you should stay here for a while when you have the baby. You'll have as much help as you need, for however long you want to stay."
"I– I don't know… I hate having to rely on other people."
"Seriously? Did you not just come to my house in a crazed panic, begging for help? Spirits, you sure can bounce back and forth quickly between 'I can't do this! The world is ending!' and 'I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't need anybody's help'."
Toph put her head in her hands and groaned. "Ugh! I know! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me! I feel like I'm losing my mind!"
"Welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy," Katara said with a short laugh. "You need to understand that no one is meant to do this alone."
"Fine," Toph grumbled, too exhausted to keep arguing. "I guess I'll stay here for a little while."
"Is there anything else you're worried about? What about your financial situation? I know you don't make that much, and I know you won't be interested in asking your parents for money. Will you need to ask the Council for a raise?"
None of that had even crossed her mind; yet another blow to her confidence, which was more fragile right now than it had ever been in her life. "I think I'll be ok with the income from Sport Bending. I don't know – how much does it all cost, even? Between a nanny, clothes, furniture– Wait. Fuck. I'm going to have to move to a bigger place, aren't I? Ugh!"
"I imagine you'll probably want to. It might be easier if you go ahead and get it over with rather than trying to move with a young child. Right now you don't have a lot of 'stuff'. In a couple years, you'll have all kinds of stuff. You might also want to consider getting a house where you have a yard for training."
"I don't know… I'd rather be close to work. I doubt there's anything downtown with enough yard space."
"If your child is a bender, do you really want to be taking them to the station to train?"
"I guess not," Toph said with a sigh. "But I refuse to be on the outskirts. I guess I'll have to talk to Ludo and see what my options are. Looking forward to that conversation," she muttered.
"Listen, there's something else I've been thinking about. I don't know how you'll feel about this suggestion, but I was wondering if you'd like to participate in the birth when mine comes."
"Participate?" Toph said dubiously. "As in…?"
"I don't mean you have to do anything. Just sit in the room with us."
The idea was wholly unappealing. "I don't know… That doesn't sound like a great use of my time. It's not like it's something I can practice for. It's just going to happen on its own."
"You might be surprised at all the ways you can prepare yourself, like with breathing exercises. Anyway, it's up to you. But just keep in mind that, however confident you may be right now, when the time comes you may wish you had a better idea of what to expect."
"I'll think about it." She wasn't entirely sure why Katara was under the impression that she was brimming with confidence regarding her own situation. She wasn't, not at all. She'd had a taste of that pain before. Alone. Scared.
Inevitably, Sokka popped into her head, as he was wont to do. If he came back in time, would he sit with her and hold her hand? It seemed far more likely that he would feel completely betrayed and refuse to even speak to her.
"Um...any news from Sokka?" she asked, trying to sound casual.
"No, sorry. You know I'd tell you immediately if I heard from him."
"The least he could do is send a letter letting us know he's still alive!" Toph said fiercely. "Inconsiderate jerk. Making two pregnant women worry about him."
"Well, more than likely he doesn't even know. He definitely doesn't know about you."
"And that's his fault, for taking off without warning."
"I'm sure he's ok. He'll probably turn up when we least expect him."
But behind Katara's confident words, Toph could sense doubt and worry.
While the surprisingly helpful talk had helped calm her down, it hadn't done anything for the mounting dread, much less the physical discomfort. Toph had returned to work and was back to trying to revise the patrol schedule, which was quickly turning into a goddamn nightmare. Every two seconds she was shifting around in her chair, trying to get comfortable, readjusting her armor that suddenly felt extremely confining. And she was so fucking hungry. Again. Even though she'd eaten something on the way back from her visit to the Island.
"Ugh," she groaned, throwing her pen down in disgust. "This fucking kid..." The words were meant to be muttered under her breath, but she put just a bit too much force behind them.
"Who?" Rinna asked.
"Ah, c'mon, I know you know." Toph sighed, deciding to just take her armor off. "Ah...that's better. Fuck, my tits hurt."
"Oh. That. I thought you were talking about one of your rookies."
"No, I'm talking about the freeloading parasite I'm carrying around."
"I guess that's one way to put it," Rinna said with a chuckle.
"Well? It's accurate. I feel like I'm gonna starve to death."
"You want me to get you something?"
"Spirits, yes," Toph said, counting out some money.
"Shrimp noodles, extra extra spicy?" Rinna asked, a smile in her voice.
"What can I say? The parasite wants what it wants."
Riju popped into her office a couple of hours later. "How are you feeling today? Did you get Katara to check you out?"
Toph sighed. She'd managed to go the whole morning without thinking about losing her hobby. "I'm fine, but…I'm actually going to take a break from Sport Bending."
"A break? What do you mean? Why?"
She opened her mouth to tell him but realized there was some small nugget of amusement to be reaped from this otherwise unpleasant situation. She leaned back in her chair and cocked an eyebrow. "Hm. You know, I think I wanna see if you can figure it out on your own. You want to be a detective, right?"
"Huh? Figure what out?"
"Here," she said, handing him the finished patrol schedule. "Post this in the bullpen for me."
"What is…" There was a brief pause while he was presumably reading it. "Wait– You're not on it anymore. So no more Sport Bending and no more patrol. Two of your favorite things in the whole world. Are you having a mid-life crisis?"
Toph actually cracked a smile. "Something like that."
"Ugh. This is ridiculous. Just tell me."
"Nope. Now hop to it, I've got things to do."