Destiny Begins
by Milui Elenath
Chapter Seven
Morgana crossed her arms and bit her trembling lip as she watched Merlin stomp out of the room. What was she to do? She couldn't tell him the whole truth because she knew what he would choose and it would be Arthur. He would let Aithusa die, no matter what he said about being a dragonlord, no matter his supposed ideals.
But if she didn't tell Merlin something believable, if she couldn't convince him in some way to go with her then Aithusa would die anyway. That was unless she was able to find how to heal the white dragon via raiding Merlin's mind.
Morgana pulled at her dressing gown agitatedly, she should have kept to that plan. She should not have revealed Aithusa's plight to Merlin. Morgana sighed, she had not meant to tell him but she had been profoundly moved by Merlin's distress, by his confessions of attempted suicide and she found herself offering Aithusa's help impulsively.
It had seemed so natural to manoeuvre Merlin for his good as well as theirs. It had seemed prudent to hedge her bets in getting his help but Merlin had not been swayed by the knowledge of Aithusa's illness. That surprised and disturbed Morgana.
What sort of man was Merlin now? Had he changed so much? Would he really allow fears of the future to prevent him from helping Aithusa? Merlin had never been cowardly but he had always been stubborn. She had admired that dedication to his own ideals once, maybe she still did, however, changing his mind could be vital if she couldn't succeed in finding the power and knowledge from him. If it came to that she had no idea what she would do. She still could not fathom why Merlin had helped her when it was evident he still blamed her for the past. It seemed he was to remain an enigma even after all these years.
She paced Merlin's spare room a few times but her legs were still shaky from her wound. Halting to steady herself, she noticed for the first time that many paintings were hanging on the walls of this room and many canvases were stacked against the sides of the room. They were landscapes mostly but as she looked further, she noticed they were familiar.
Camelot.
Not in its glory but crumbling away through the eras. It seemed Merlin had become a painter.
Curiosity drew her to the stacked canvases and she flipped through them. Dark figures in a forest, lonely figures in poses of despair and ghostly shapes were reoccurring themes. Morgana was surprised to find the once optimistic youth had a grim style. After further thought she acknowledged that it wasn't strange, so many years of life naturally came with suffering. It had to be expressed somewhere.
She stopped as she came across a self-portrait, half the face was young Merlin and the other old Emrys. She wondered if Merlin saw himself that way too, as two people, the sorcerer and the man. Looking closer she wondered if it weren't more, as if the two worlds were separate to him, magic and daily life. Morgana had never seen it that way even before she had been able to put a name to her powers, they were part of her in every moment. Whether she was the Lady Morgana of Camelot or the high priestess.
She put the self-portrait back when another caught her eye. The painting depicted an old apothecary bottle lying open on its side, it sat in the palm of a hand. The contents pooled and dripped over the fingertips, looking like blood. The label on the bottle was the most surprising thing of all, beneath the skull and crossbones it read guilt.
Morgana was disturbed by the artwork. Merlin may have been drawing on any number of experiences or none when he painted it but she couldn't deny that it made her think of one particularly personal instance.
It made her shudder, she could almost feel the weakness creeping over her limbs again, the burning that took her breath and made each gasp an agony, those eyes, his eyes, pitying and yet stoically committed to doing that to her. She couldn't trust him, not again. Not with Aithusa's life.
She had kept Aithusa safe from him all these years. Kept Merlin's dragonlord powers at bay and did her best with glamours and confusion spells to hide their whereabouts. Still, the clues were there plain enough. Morgana had to use them herself to find Aithusa once she had served her time with the Sidhe.
Morgana was somewhat surprised that Merlin hadn't done all he could to find Aithusa. Surprised, that he hadn't figured out for himself what was needed to bring Arthur back, or at least the most logical first step. For a dragonlord he had not devoted much attention to dragon powers but then Morgana had prevented that as best she could. She had scoured the globe trying to hide such information from him unsure if it was too late, uncertain that it would do any good. When she had finally confronted him in the café, she had not been sure of his knowledge, it was only when he'd made assumptions about her wound, she realised he couldn't possibly know about Aithusa's role.
She had only risked an encounter with Merlin now because things were desperate. There was little to lose. However, now she'd been given another way to find the knowledge she needed via their magical bond. A happy circumstance? Destiny? All that mattered was that she find it, somewhere within his sleeping mind would be the spell or the potion or whatever it was that could heal Aithusa. It was there, she knew it was, Aithusa had told her so.
Morgana need only wait for him to sleep . . . but his visions had affected him. He would keep himself from sleeping this night. Morgana knew from experience. She was worried about the delay. Aithusa was already weak, every day was a risk but entering Merlin's mind while he was conscious would not be possible.
Morgana's eyes lit as she turned the matter in her mind. The answer was so simple. She could give him her healing bracelet, that would ease his fears of the visions and keep him asleep when he did nod off. She had only to find the words and demeanour appropriate to give it to him so that he did not suspect her.
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Merlin sat at the kitchen table and stared glumly into his glass of brandy. He didn't usually drink - not anymore. It had not helped after Arthur's death or anyone else's. It had not eased the madness that had overtaken him when Camelot had finally been overthrown and Arthur had not reappeared to defend it. What was Albion's darkest hour if not then? Merlin's brows drew together fiercely, that was when he should have realised it was all a lie. All a cruel lie. Arthur was not coming back.
Yet, somehow Merlin had gone on from that time in the Caledonian forest. He'd had moments of despair, given up or tried to and then he had convinced himself to go on again, to have hope or pretend to but now that horrid vision had confirmed his greatest fears.
Arthur wasn't coming back. He really wasn't. Merlin was going to be alone. None of his life made sense but maybe there were no answers to seek. All of the questions he'd had seemed unimportant. Who cared why magic had gone? Who cared why the stories of Camelot persisted and changed? Who cared where Morgana had been all this time? It was obvious she had survived Excalibur with Aithusa's help and so that was one less question anyway. Let Morgana keep her secrets, he would not press her for them.
His thoughts were interrupted by footsteps, he continued to stare at the table.
"Merlin," Morgana began softly, "I'm sorry."
"Can we just not," said Merlin hunching closer to his brandy. More lies or the truth, whatever she had to say he did not want to hear it.
Morgana said nothing in response but she came alongside him and placed an object on the table beside him.
Her healing bracelet.
She pushed it towards him. "It's just you've done a lot for me over the past few days Merlin and well I know what it is to be afraid to sleep after . . . a nightmare, so I thought you might want this."
Merlin lifted his head and cocked it to the side. "You're giving me your bracelet?"
"As a loan," she responded, "until we break our powersharing and the seer's ability wears off."
Merlin downed his drink in one go. It did nothing to ease the thick feeling in his throat. Seers, he thought sneeringly, visions, prophecy, destiny – what was the point? They robbed you of what little joy there was. "Why would you? Why would you want to?"
"Lend the bracelet to you?" Morgana clarified.
Merlin shook his head. "No, risk the visions?"
"Oh," she said, "because I've learnt to accept them. I don't need the bracelet to protect me anymore, I only . . ." she trailed, "it reminds me of family."
Merlin was acutely reminded that neither of them had any family left.
"Are you lonely Morgana?" He queried. Merlin wasn't sure why he asked, why it mattered. Wasn't he done with questions and answers?
Morgana took a moment to respond. "Sometimes, but Aithusa keeps me company."
Merlin felt her eyes on him. In another moment she was going to ask him the same question. He didn't want to answer. He didn't want to look up and see her eyes gentle and commiserating, tempting him to forget the past all because he was pathetically desperate for company right now, even hers. Especially hers, a stray thought whispered. He didn't ignore it, he took note. The powersharing might be affecting his feelings, the vision certainly had. He would be an idiot to ignore his vulnerability to a woman who had once had feelings for him and to whom he once felt some attraction and affection. This was no time for connection or rejection because either way, he'd be sure to regret his actions. Merlin pushed the bracelet away. "Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. You best keep it."
"Is it really so hard to accept something from me?" Morgana fired causing Merlin to look at her.
The frustration flared in her eyes, then dimmed and her lips pressed together. "I'm sorry I didn't want to argue."
He knew he was being erratic and unreasonable but her apology riled him. She had some nerve getting upset at all and then dialling it back with her charade as if they were friends.
He scoffed at her. "I didn't want a lot of things Morgana," he said bitterly.
"Like poisoning me?" her restraint broke, "but you did it anyway."
"Yes I did!" he stood and faced her. "I didn't want to poison you, I didn't want to watch my friends die one by one at your hand either and I didn't want to wait centuries to discover it was all for naught all over a lie."
"What lie?" she asked puzzled.
"Nevermind," he continued to snap.
Her hands had folded over herself. "For someone who demands the truth from others, you do an awful lot of concealing it, Merlin. Whatever you wanted or didn't want, you have choices now. Aithusa is dying, she sent me for your help and whatever your visions, your actions will shape it but I think you'd rather sit here in your reveries, painting pictures of Camelot, of decay, failure and self pity. You say you want to die – you stopped living long ago Merlin, you're already dead." She swivelled on the spot.
Merlin felt the air leave his lungs. She didn't look back but walked as straight as she could from the kitchen. He could feel the flash of pain in her side through the bond they shared but outwardly she showed no sign.
He sat back down at the kitchen table and idly picked up the bracelet Morgana had left behind. She was right, he had died the day Arthur had and he didn't know what to do about it. How was he to find a way to live again? How was he to know the path to take? Which choice was the right one? Choosing wrong would doom him, doom her too, maybe the earth.
He pushed the images from his mind, he never wanted to see them again. The bracelet spun beneath his fingers, visions were nothing but trouble. Finally, he slipped it on.
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Morgana entered the bedroom that Merlin had offered her. Her only concern was keeping enough of the magic bond open for her to know if Merlin slept.
She deliberately chose to sit in a chair rather than on the bed. She was very weary it would be easy to fall asleep and miss her opportunity. She thought it might be the first time she'd ever been glad of the wound in her side. It was having little moments of asserting itself and likely would continue until Merlin settled himself. That alone should keep her somewhat alert.
She listened carefully for the sounds of Merlin. He hadn't yet come up the stairs to return to his spare room. Morgana waited impatiently. She had no way of knowing if he would continue to refuse the bracelet or if he would indeed accept it. The magical bond was an unusual spell with many quirks. Each participant had access to the power wells of the other, each could, with an active intent, draw or give power. During such active moments both could find the others spells and powers at their command but little nuances like a magical object or a healing bracelet would not register, perhaps because it was external.
The spell had never been in popular use, it had to be mutually begun and mutually ended and the magic used repaid until the score was even. The repayment usually happened in the breaking stage, where there was no more sharing of power and spells but it still came with the risk that if one suffered death so did the other. That had posed a lot more danger than Merlin knew. Morgana reinforced the dampening spell around her wound, his magic could not be permitted to find its way there. She wasn't entirely sure what might happen but the consequences could well be lethal!
At the moment the link between them was passive, Merlin did not give power, and she did not take it. She was not sure how long it would take for her to return all the power she had used, weeks probably but they would be in less danger when they began the breaking stage. She was glad that simply learning spells or knowledge would not count against her.
With that thought Morgana tested their bond, letting her magic sense run along and discover Merlin's conscious state. It was not active enough to alert him, nor to enter into knowledge sharing. He was still awake. She couldn't enter his mind yet, at least not without him being aware of it.
If she'd thought him willing she could have taken his knowledge while he was awake and with his consent but his earlier dismissal of Aithusa proved that her only option – the safest option – was to do so secretly.
Morgana had learnt patience long, long ago. She was easily capable of it but it did not make the wait less anxious. Aithusa's life depended on a positive outcome.
The night grew quieter. The moon was but a crescent barely giving light. She felt it had been hours and she wasn't even sure she hadn't herself fallen asleep at one point. She reached out gently through the bond to see if Merlin was any closer to sleep.
It was with great surprise she found that he slept! She had not heard him come upstairs but he must have done for he was sleeping deeply. This was the chance she had waited for. Carefully she searched Merlin's knowledge and powers for all that could help her with Aithusa.
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Morgana felt the sun shining on her face before she opened her heavy-lidded eyes. It irritated her, everything irritated her but she hadn't quite been able to wake up enough to remember why. She sat up as it came to her.
She had failed Aithusa.
Merlin had failed Aithusa.
She didn't understand it. Aithusa had been so certain that Merlin would save her but Morgana had been unable to find anything. Was it some innate ability to do with his dragonlord powers that Morgana was unable to possess or know? A surge of frustration propelled her out of bed and she snatched up her clothes to get dressed.
The wound was paining her very little. Was Merlin still asleep? She did not want to use the bond to check, she wanted little to do with Merlin right now. His refusal to help infuriated her more and more. Aithusa was going to die.
It was too unbelievable, too awful. Morgana was not going to let that happen. She was going to find a way, some way to make Merlin help Aithusa.
She descended the stairs heading for the kitchen. Breakfast didn't have much appeal but a caffeinated drink did, her mind needed to be sharp. She was deep in thought but halted at the door as soon as the kitchen came in sight.
Merlin was asleep there, head on the table.
At once she understood how it was she had missed hearing him alight the stairs. He had never returned to his spare room but had fallen asleep here and remained so. The anger she had felt moments ago dissipated, although somewhat grudgingly.
Merlin looked so peaceful. So much like the kind youth she had once been in love with. That old affection seemed to plague her as she looked at him. He had worn himself weary in the last few days in the lead up to meeting and helping her. It was no wonder he'd been tired and then that vision had shaken him. Perhaps she had been too hasty in pushing him to go to Aithusa. There was every chance that a good night's rest would find him more amenable.
Morgana had never been prone to optimism. No, he would not change his mind but she had to get back to Aithusa with or without him. Morgana felt her heartbeat gallop. The answer was so simple.
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Merlin woke to sounds of tea making. He lifted his head groggily. "What time is it?"
"8 or so," Morgana responded. "I didn't mean to wake you. Would you like some?" She indicated the teapot.
"Sure," Merlin nodded. His thoughts were just starting to put things together, he had fallen asleep on the table. His hands pressed against the wood as he saw the bracelet on his wrist. "This works a little too well," he said sheepishly, swivelling it.
"Yes, I was very grateful for it on many occasions," Morgana said simply.
Merlin wondered if the visions she'd had in the past were as horrifying as his own. What had she seen all those times? Whatever images they had not helped her. He pulled the bracelet from his wrist as if it would rid him of seer powers. "You should have it back."
Morgana shook her head. "No, not yet. You keep it until we break the bond."
She meant it kindly, he could feel that she did, but thoughts of the bond made him irritable. Breaking the bond still left him tied to Morgana for some time, unable to part her company until she returned the power he had given. She had warned him of pain, of the consequences but the pain wasn't physical. It was the realisation that everything he'd waited for, his destiny past and present were . . . at best an illusion and at worst a cruel joke. Morgana's seer power had shown him the truth. "I said I don't want it." He pushed the bracelet towards her roughly but with more force than he intended. The metallic band shot off the edge of the table and clattered to the floor and rolled, stilling at Morgana's feet.
Morgan halted her tea making and picked it up.
Merlin would have understood if she'd been furious. The bracelet might have broken and he knew she regarded it sentimentally but she was all control this morning and only huffed, returning to the tea making. "Somebody got out on the wrong side of the . . . table," she shot over her shoulder.
Merlin's memories were stirred. He'd said that to Arthur once. He wouldn't get the chance to say it again. Morgana had robbed him of that. He didn't care if she wasn't well enough, he didn't care if she protested, he wasn't going to take no for answer. "I want to start breaking the bond today."
Morgana had finished making the tea and handed him a cup. Her eyes stared down at his. "I've decided I am going to Aithusa and you'll have to come because of the bond. I am not ending it."
Merlin felt his chin drop before he snapped it shut. "I'm not going with you Morgana and if you go without me we'll both die." He leant forward, staring just as determinedly as she was. "I've told you I don't care if I die. I've told you I want to die."
Merlin expected her to react in anger or shock or even tears and pleading, he did not expect the calm, serious tone she responded with.
"If we don't go," she said, "I'll die anyway."
"Because she's been helping you combat Kilgharah's magic," Merlin accused angrily. "That's why you want to save her, to save yourself! "
"I couldn't care less about myself," Morgana denounced, "I would give my life for hers. I'd do anything for her."
"Anything but the truth," Merlin sneered. He knew it would silence her, he was certain she was never going to tell him whatever it was she hid.
There was a long pause as they stared each other down. Merlin felt hers was less anger and more disappointment, even rebuke. He didn't much like that some part of him thought she had a point.
At last, she spoke. "I am going Merlin, even if I don't make it. I can't – I won't leave Aithusa to die alone. I can't imagine any bond, any future, any vision that would stop me. I've told you that visions are warnings of your own actions. If you choose not to come then I hope the path you choose is worth it."
"I did everything to change it last time. Everything." Merlin maintained.
"No, Merlin. You didn't."
Morgana was so dismissive, so certain. What did she know about it?
Merlin's anger at her burned and with a shock he realised so did the wound in Morgana's side. He could feel it through the bond, burning, writhing, lashing with his anger. His eyes shot to hers, it couldn't be a coincidence. He was even more certain as he watched her eyes dart away from his.
"What was that?" he demanded, everything else forgotten.
"N-nothing," Morgana stammered.
"That was not, nothing," Merlin insisted, "your wound . . . I affected it."
Morgana was shaking her head vigorously. "No," her eyes were full of alarm.
"Why? How?" Merlin took a step towards her and attempted to feel the magic that emanated from her.
"Stay away from me!" she cried. The use of a spell was probably instinctive, her eyes flashed.
Merlin wasn't exactly thrown but he did lose his balance and sat heavily on the floor. Morgana had similarly tottered over. She had forgotten they shared powers, that it was impossible to attack the other, the spell had simply backfired with a minor pulse. She was lying on the ground.
Merlin dusted himself off. "Well, that was stupid," he complained. He looked over expecting Morgana to have gotten to her feet but she lay still immobile.
He crawled over to her. She was still alive, he could feel that but she was very weak. She had not been drawing power from him and he had not consciously given her any. He did now and positioned himself on the floor next to her. Seeing her so pale, feeling how weak she was, knowing the pain she was constantly in, he was reminded of her death in his visions. He had time now to contemplate it – he didn't want to. Was she right? Was there some way to change the vision for all of them?
Knowing what she'd gone through these past centuries why hadn't she ended it? Simply done away with the pain and the struggle. For Aithusa, she'd said. She resembled death now, wouldn't it be kinder to let her go? Especially since Aithusa was dying too . . . but was that what the visions had shown? Had Aithusa's tears been caused by loneliness? Did he have the power to change her fate and if he didn't could he really let Aithusa die alone? Hadn't the three of them been alone long enough? If his fate was to outlive the world then he must take all he could now.
Morgana's eyes fluttered open.
He looked down at them. "I'll go. I'll go see Aithusa."
She sat up and flung her arms around him. "Oh Merlin, thankyou, thankyou. You won't regret it."
Merlin hoped not. "Where is Aithusa, anyway?"
Morgana's lips twitched into a smirk, "Scotland."
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Author's note: I'm so sorry for the delay. This chapter was possibly the most trouble a chapter has ever given me in all my writing decades. Characters were not being agreeable, they kept wanting to reveal things I wasn't ready to reveal then they did a backtrack when I thought maybe I could work with it, then I couldn't decide what should and shouldn't come out -ugh I had to have a week off from it. I also fear there may have been a bit of irrelevancy but if I overthink this chapter anymore you would not have seen it! The next one should be up much sooner. Thanks for the reviews, follows and favourites and support so far. I hope the last line leaves you with a hint of where Aithusa and Morgana have been living.