Okay, for those of you on my Author Alert list, like all two of you, if you are expecting Rhian Granger chapter 6, I terribly sorry. I found this cleaning out my closet and decided to type it up. Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about it, but I do believe it's on my profile page. Okay, this is my attempt at humor, so it's probably not that funny.

Super short, sorry. THIS IS NOT HBP-COMPLIANT.

Disclaimer: It all belongs to the ant in my shower. Kidding. Unless J.K. Rowling is an animagus ant…anyway. It's all hers.

Harry Potter and the Last Morning With The Dursley's

When Harry Potter woke up on the morning of August 1, 1997, he had to take a moment to remember why he was so cheerful. Then he remembered…he was seventeen, which meant he could now legally hex the Dursley's into oblivion, without getting caught. He knew exactly what he was going to do, too. Turn them into the an- -.

"BOY! GET DOWN HERE!"

Oh, well. They've had it coming.

Harry thundered down the stairs, making almost as much noise as Dudley, which was quite the feat, if he said so, himself. Before he entered the kitchen, he carefully made sure his wand was visible, but still "hidden." He walked into the kitchen, grinning to himself as he saw all three of the Dursley's eyes go to his wand.

"Put that thing away, boy," snarled Vernon.

"Why?" asked Harry, determined to aggravate the crap out of him.

"Because I said so, and if I kick you out, you'll be put in an orphanage."

"Sounds a hell of a lot better than this. Anyway, yesterday was my seventeenth birthday."

"So? You're not an adult," retorted Vernon.

"Actually I am. At least in my world. Which means I can legally hex you into oblivion. And I will. I had this epiphany last night. See, to me, you all look like animals. So I'll just turn you into the animals you remind me of. Vernon, you'll be a pig. Petunia will be a… well, I'm still deciding. I can't decide if I should make you a horse or a giraffe. Or a mix. Probably a horse…yeah, that'll work. You were the easiest, Dudders. I'll make you a whale. But not yet. I'm rather hungry."

And without further ado, he called, "Dobby!" and the excitable little elf appeared and started hugging his knees.

"Harry Potter, sir! Dobby wished you a very happy birthday!" He thrust a badly wrapped package into Harry's hand, then clicked his fingers. A meal large enough for three Ron's appeared at Harry's place at the table.

"Good-bye, Harry Potter, sir!"

"Bye, Dobby."

Harry sat down, and started to eat the delicious meal Dobby had made. He didn't notice Dudley's jealous looks or Petunia's repulsion at having a house-elf in her house. Especially that elf.

Harry was just finishing off his meal when he remembered Dobby's gift. He picked it up and opened it, without letting the Dursley's see, and promptly fell out of his seat laughing.

"What the devil are you laughing at, boy?" snarled Vernon.

"Go 'head, look at it. It's not hexed. Oh, and you should get that snarling looked at. Get be all that good for your voice."

The Dursley's looked into the package purely out of curiosity for what had their nephew/cousin laughing so hard, then looked at Harry, clearly fearing what he, in his lack of sanity, would do to them.

"How is this funny? It's a pair of socks," said Dudley, as if talking to a two-year-old.

"Yeah, but see how they're different? Dobby can't match for his life. He's insane. I think." Harry paused, looking thoughtful, then said, "Yeah, he's insane. Anyway, I'm going to The Burrow in about… five minutes, but that still gives me plenty of time. Let's see. I'll start with Vernon, he'll be the hardest. Porcus Commuto! " With a flash of violent orange light, sort of like the Chudley Cannons color, Vernon was a very hairy pig. Harry smirked, Petunia screamed, and Dudley was gaping like the idiot he was.

Harry turned to his aunt next, pointed his wand, and said, "Equines Commuto!" With a dull flash of purple light, Petunia was a rather skinny horse. Harry then turned to Dudley, who was shaking.

"This is a time release spell. You'll turn back in about an hour. Anyway, I was serious about tuning you into a whale. Balaena Commuto!" HA! Well, I really was raised by animals. Huh."

And without further ado, with a loud CRACK! Harry Potter Apparated to The Burrow, never to be seen at Number Four Privet Drive again.

"HARRY! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS APPARATE ON ME?"

"Well, you're pretty comfy, Gin."

FIN

Well, I did tell you in wasn't going to be that funny. And it's short. Sorry. I had fun writing it, I hope you enjoyed reading it!

arwenundomiel021