Maybe It's Better This Way
Chapter 8: In Limbo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, a summer 2005 ramble! "Well I'm back from holiday where I did a lot of writing happy face.I have a computer set up to use while mine is being fixed (I hope) second happy face. BUT I backed up 2 days before my comp died again so I am missing some stuff off my story! Noooooooo! very angry upset face And the internet is now down another angry face"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy watched intently as his wife's eyelids fluttered, the doctor had said she would come round in a little while and he appeared to be right. He tightened the grip he held on her hand. She looked so small and defenceless in the hospital bed, her beautiful features almost as pale as the sheets around her. He was glad she'd been out cold through all the physical pain, but now he had only more pain to greet her with. Her eyelids continued to struggle open and she was rewarded by the blurred image of her husband sat by the bed.
'Hey sweetie,' he said gently, seeing her cerulean blue eyes focus on him.
Kirsten gave a wan smile, 'Hey,' her voice was barely more than a whisper.
'How're you feeling?'
'Ok,' she said more strongly, her eyes asking the question he didn't want to answer.
'I should go tell the doctor you're awake,' he began, looking away from her pleading gaze.
'Please,' her eyes begged, 'please, tell me what's going on. The baby…?'
'Sandy…what happened? The baby…?' but she knew she didn't need to ask and she didn't need him answer either. It was written all over his face.
He shook his head, reaching his arms around her, 'I'm sorry honey.'
Her gaze flicked towards her stomach while underneath the sheets she gently placed her hand where, until a few hours ago, a life had been.
Gone
Empty
That's how she felt, empty.
She wanted to scream, cry, beat her fists against his chest as he held her. But she couldn't do that.
She wanted to beg him to tell her it wasn't true. But he couldn't do that.
Sandy studied her face anxiously and she couldn't bear the hurt and sympathy in his earnest eyes. She turned slowly on her side, away from his embrace and stared at the blank wall.
Blank, like her face.
Empty like her inside.
-----
Sandy debated whether to let the boys see Kirsten right then but he knew there would be mutiny if he so much as suggested them postponing their visit. Kirsten was obviously in shock and he didn't want them to worry, but of course, they were already worrying. The next moment they had appeared at the door. 'Hi boys,' Sandy said quietly, his voice rumbling with the effort. Kirsten didn't turn over.
'Is she sleeping?' Seth asked approaching the bed. Sandy nodded causing Ryan to frown; he could swear Kirsten's eyes were open. He flashed a quick glance at Sandy and understood. 'Maybe we should come back later,' he mumbled, pausing for a moment, 'tell her…tell her we love her.'
'Yeah you two head home, get some sleep,' Sandy said in a tone that let Seth know not to argue. 'She'll probably send me home next time she wakes up,' he continued despite the sceptical look on Ryan's face. 'So I'll grab a shower and then come back.' Sandy ran a hand over his stubble and asked suddenly, 'What day is it?'
'Um…Wednesday,' Seth answered.'
'Sh-ugar…I've got to go to court this afternoon, damn impractical. If you could pop in then…'
'Of course,' Ryan agreed readily.
'And uh, I'll call Dr Kim,' Sandy finished distractedly, frantically trying to remember the details of the stupid case that was going to drag him away from his wife. Seth grinned, 'Oh yeah, no school.' Sandy laughed as his son punched the air. Ryan showed no such unrestrained delight; he just looked shattered.
'Bed. Now. Ryan looks dead on his feet.'
'Ooh dad, channelling your inner Kirsten I see…ok, ok, we're going!' And Seth hurried out of the room. Ryan cast another worried glance at the figure lying inert and silent in the hospital bed and then followed.
-----
'I'm gonna pop home honey,' Sandy said softly, 'check on the boys and then I'll be right back.' Kirsten didn't reply or move.
'Anything you want?'
More silence.
'I love you.' Sandy waited but still nothing. He stood for a long time hoping the words would elicit some kind of response, trying to see something in the vacant blue eyes. 'Bye then,' he said at last and headed out. Kirsten's eyes flickered as he left but they stayed dry and cold.
'I love you,' she shouted silently, 'I love you and I'm sorry' her conscious screamed, 'so, so sorry.'
-----
'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
'Nothing my ass, spit it out Cohen.'
'I'm fine.'
'You're not,' Summer said, resting a soft hand on his arm and raising her chocolate eyes to his. 'Why weren't you in school today?'
'I…' he faltered under her gaze, 'it's just…' She laced her fingers through his and waited for him to continue.
'It's my mom.'
Summer's hand tightened, 'She's ok isn't she?' she asked, her voice full of genuine concern.
'Kind of…look Sum, you can't tell anyone this, I mean, maybe Marissa if you have to; I know you share everything…' Seth caught his ramble with a deep breath. 'But she doesn't want everyone to know.'
Summer nodded quickly, she really liked Kirsten, admired her, not just because she was gorgeous, rich and powerful and a socialite, but for being real person in a town of plastic zombies; an intelligent career woman but also a wife and mother. She wished she'd had a mother like that, Seth didn't know how lucky he was.
'My mom was pregnant and yesterday she lost the baby. Now she's…I don't know…strange; she won't talk, won't eat, just stares at the wall. It's awful, I can't stand it and it's killing my dad.'
Seth stopped and caught sight of Summer's horrified expression for a moment before she flung her arms around him. 'Oh Cohen, your poor mom, that's so unfair.'
-----
The anger that had been suspended by the hours of anxiety returned that afternoon. It meant he delivered a blinder of a performance in the courtroom but afterwards, alone in his office waiting for visiting hours at the hospital to begin, he simply felt horrible.
Sandy was angry with Caleb firstly, for upsetting Kirsten.
Then he was angry with Kirsten herself for working too hard.
Angry with the tired, apologetic doctor, the sympathetic nurses and the damn hard chairs at the hospital that, for no want of trying, had failed them.
He was even angry with the baby, something he could hardly understand.
And with whatever stupid fate had made things this way.
Most of all though, he was mad with himself.
What kind of husband let his wife work at such a demanding job in such a state?
What kind of father let their baby be endangered?
A rational voice told him it wasn't his fault, that he did what he could.
What kind of husband? Not one married to Kirsten Cohen.
But the guilt was stronger and in the privacy of his surf-shack office, Sandy Cohen put his head down onto the desk and cried.
Cried for himself because he'd failed and felt guilty, for his wife who was broken and most of all for his daughter. The baby girl Cohen he never got to hold his arms and compare with her mother.
-----
Sandy couldn't really justify arguing to spend another night at Kirsten's bedside now they knew she was going to be okay. As much as he wanted to stay, he kissed her goodbye when late visiting finished at eight and drove home in silence, without the customary show tunes on the stereo. Dinner was also a quiet affair; Ryan brooding and Sandy too emotionally exhausted to make conversation. Seth was still talking, probably because, as Ryan was beginning to suspect, it physically hurt him to be silent. But it wasn't the usual crazy, high-speed chatter, just random anecdotes dotted about the painful silence as they pushed the food about their plates. Immediately after dinner Ryan cried off Sandy's suggestions of play-station or a movie, citing a geometry test. Seth murmured some vague agreement and also headed upstairs hoping no one remembered he was doing algebra this semester. Sandy rinsed the plates and then stacked them in the dishwasher, wondering as he did so when he'd picked up Kirsten's unnecessary habit or whether he was just doing it because she wasn't there. She wasn't there and you could feel it; the house felt lonesome. Or perhaps that was just him.
A while later, after some pretty successful mooching about the house Sandy wandered upstairs thinking he'd go see how the boys' studying was going. He didn't want to be 'checking up' on them but he was bored. He couldn't keep his mind on any work, the hot tub wasn't so tempting minus the scantily clad Kirsten and there was nothing on the TV, despite the five hundred odd channels.
He found Seth sitting hunched on the edge of his bed staring at the carpet. Captain Oats lay nearby, legs sticking up in the air as though he'd been tossed aside crossly. Perhaps he wasn't providing enough guidance tonight. Sandy didn't want to interrupt, knowing he'd sat thinking undisturbed for hours last night and early that morning. His son probably needed this, he had. Sandy withdrew silently and ducked his head into Ryan's room but it was empty. Puzzled, he executed a little search, more for something to do than because he was unduly worried; Ryan was pretty conscientious about letting them know where he was. Glancing out of the patio doors he noticed a light on in the pool house. Kicking himself for not thinking of it earlier, Sandy made his way across to what Seth had once called 'The Fortress Of Solitude'.
'You can move back in here you know, 'Sandy said as he sat down beside Ryan on the unmade bed. 'Not just because Kirsten lost the baby but if you want to.'
'No, no it's fine, honest,' Ryan said even though he knew Sandy would think he was only being polite. 'I-I like being in the house, if that's ok…
'Of course, we like having you in the house but why are you in here?'
'I wanted somewhere to think and the house just felt empty I guess. Stupid; there are three of us in it but…'
'I know what you mean,' Sandy told him, 'but she'll be home tomorrow.' Ryan hesitated, 'Do you think…do you think she'll…' he stopped, 'nothing.'
'What is it Ryan?'
'Nah, I can't explain it.'
'Do I think she'll come home in every sense?'
'Yeah,' he admitted.
'I don't know,' Sandy sighed sadly, 'I hope so.' He caught sight of his foster son's anxious face and changed tack. 'I mean, it's a big thing but she will eventually, she's strong our Kirsten and she's got us, give her time.' Ryan nodded but wasn't convinced.
'She has to doesn't she Ryan? What would I do without her huh?' He tried to end jovially but Ryan knew the joke only went halfway. Sandy knew this too. 'I'll see you later kid,' he said, getting up and leaving Ryan to resume the brooding position Seth had already perfected. A position Sandy mimicked a few minutes later, sat on a pool chair and staring out across the dark ocean. You got so used to things being perfect in Newport Beach; it was a shock to remember real life wasn't like that.
-----
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reviewing has been scientifically proven to lengthen your life and prevent cancer and the common cold.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------