Maybe It's Better This Way

Chapter: 15: A Million Times

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Here I am again. Feeling kinda messed up so I might go to bed. But before I do here is the next chapter.

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By the weekend Ryan's monosyllabic updates were failing to satisfy Caleb, who, against all his good intention to give Kirsten space, attempted a visit. He dispensed with knocking to avoid the self-appointed jailer, Sandy, but to no avail. He was creeping along the hallway when the front door opened and Sandy himself came into view behind him, briefcase in hand. He looked tired Caleb noted, watching the younger man pull lethargically at his tie. He gave a start when he saw Caleb and squared his shoulders.

'Where have you been?' his father-in-law jumped in with a question before Sandy could ask one of his own.

'I had to go into work, thought I'd get it over with early which Kirsten was still sleeping, or pretending to,' he answered distractedly. 'Anywhere, more to the point what are you doing here?'

'For a witty repartee with you, why else?'

'Well I don't have the energy and seeing as you let yourself in you can show yourself out.'

'Sanford…'

'I don't care how sorry you are I just want you out of my house.'

'Your house?'

'That kind of attitude isn't gonna help your case.'

'Old habit; riling you, I didn't mean it.'

'Just like you didn't mean to hit her, to work her off her feet, to make her lose the baby?' Sandy asked angrily, forgetting to keep his voice down so as not to disturb his wife.

'It was an accident, I didn't mean to, I didn't know,' Caleb shot back urgently, his own voice rising in volume.

'Stop making excuses.'

'You couldn't tell me she was pregnant. I'm her boss for God's sake, as well as her father. I have a right to know these things.'

'You're her boss first, that's the problem. The Newport Group comes first, then your family. You sacrificed her for it; she sacrificed herself and our daughter. Why I'm even having this conversation I don't even know.'

'Please just let me see her.'

'I just lost a daughter. You for one should know how that feels.'

'Sandy…'

'I lost my daughter, I almost lost my wife and the way things are going it could still happen, emotionally this time.'

Caleb bowed his head Sandy's words cutting him like a knife despite his thick skin. His failure with his daughters was his Achilles heel. He sighed and spoke, his voice low, uneven, lacking the usual curtness. 'I know there's nothing I can say, nothing you want to hear but, honestly, I'm sorry Sandy.'

His son-in-law stood, still breathing heavily from the argument looking at Caleb, hating the fact it was now his move.

'I…I don't know if I can accept that, I'm still too angry, he stumbled, 'but…as little as the sentiment means, thanks Cal.'

'So are you going to let me see her?'

'Look, the last thing Kirsten needs right now is a run-in with you, just give her some time.'

'She can't avoid me forever.'

'If it was up to me she would.'

'But it isn't up to you.'

'Or you,' Sandy shot back immediately.

'I'm her father.'

'And a fat lot of good it's done her.'

The tension between the two men continued to build, a soft voice from the doorway at the end of the hall only serving to accentuate it.

'Sandy? It's okay. I can handle this.'

He was immediately beside her, helping to tie the dressing gown around her small waist and pressing a kiss into her hair. She shrugged him off, her father watching their interaction with interest.

'We'll be in the kitchen,' she told him, looking past both of them, eyes dark and unfathomable. Sandy didn't look happy but complied, walking them to the kitchen and then ducking out.

'I'll be just out here if you need me.'

Kirsten nodded mutely, moving so the kitchen island was between her and her father.

'Be nice,' Sandy warned Caleb as he left and then they were alone, or semi-alone with Sandy eavesdropping outside.

To his surprise Kirsten didn't shout or scream. There were no obscenities or accusations. She never said she blamed him, she didn't need to; it was there beneath her words and in those eyes. There were no tears. Instead there was a strange absence of anger; Kirsten was listless, voice slow, monotonous, empty. The watercolour image of the daughter who had always been painted in vibrant acrylic stood before him and he found a lump in his throat.

'I'm sorry Kirsten.'

'It doesn't matter dad,' she mumbled, looking right through him

'But it does…'

Kirsten closed her eyes, 'Please, just go, I don't want to talk to anyone but particularly not you right now, if ever.'

Her father looked from the eyelids that almost told him more than her eyes did when they were open, to the fingers gripping the countertop so tightly the knuckles were standing out in tight, white ridges. The feeling of having walked into a brick wall that he had experienced in that moment of realisation on the phone with Seth returned and Caleb turned slowly, feeling light-headed and left the kitchen.

'Did you know she didn't like me calling her Kiki?' he asked Sandy on his way out.

Sandy looked at his father-in-law with a mixture of disbelief, disgust, laughter and sadness. 'I knew the day I met you, I've seen her face every time you've said it for the past twenty years, I've heard her complain a million times.'

'Why didn't you say, why didn't she say?'

'I don't know,' he said. 'Because you're Caleb Nichol I guess, no one messes with Caleb Nichol.'

'Humph.' Caleb gave a rueful smile, 'Not always true.'

Sandy attempted a grimace in place of a smile, knowing the comment was aimed at him.

'I can't lose another daughter Sandy.' He said becoming serious again and reaching for his coat, 'Let me know if she ever considers talking to me again.'

'Don't count on it.'

Caleb nodded sadly, lingering in the doorway. 'I know. I'm s-.'

'Just go,' was the reply before the door shut in his face.

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'He apologised Sandy,' Kirsten burst out when her husband reappeared. Her face was filled with shock and disbelief. 'My dad, he said sorry. He never apologises, he never blames himself, for anything.'

'Perhaps he finally feels guilty,'

'But…it's not really his fault though I suppose,' she admitted, tears welling up in her eyes.

'I beg to disagree; he purposely antagonised you, he loaded work on you, he stressed you out, he upset you, knocked you over, albeit accidentally, but still, he spends all his time putting you down and now you've paid for it.'

'I just don't like hating him. He didn't know Sandy, I didn't tell him when I should have done. I shouldn't be angry but I can't help it. I shouldn't hate him but I do and I hate the fact he's apologised and now it's up to me.'

'I think that's justified.'

'But you love being angry with my father. You always hate him.'

'Oh honey I was doing it a long time before it became popular.' This raised a half-smile on his wife's face before the worried look replaced it again. 'I don't know what to do Sandy. I have to go work but I'm not talking to my boss. Can't quit, but can't go back there. This is all so stupid.'

'I know sweetie,' Sandy agreed, sliding a tentative arm around her, 'but you don't have to worry about it right now because you're not going back to work yet.'

'Sandyyy,' she moaned, 'I have to.'

'You don't. I want you for myself for a little while and you need some time.' There was no way he was letting her try to brush over this and the Caleb problem was going to take time to solve. Another week at home wouldn't hurt. 'You can't throw yourself back into the rat race this fast.'

'What am I supposed to do all day?'

'Hang out with the boys after school, go shopping, visit the spa with Julie, take some more Yogalates classes,' he suggested, jiggling his eyebrows to make her smile.

'But I don't want to do any of those things. I want something that actually occupies my brain.'

'You're not…'

'Not what? Well enough? Sandy I'm fine.'

'I was going to say ready. Please, you deserve a vacation.'

'I don't do vacations,' she muttered, thinking that if she only had she might not have lost the baby.

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That weekend Sandy tried to keep Kirsten's mind from Caleb and the office but he knew she was fretting about being angry at her father and the desire to be back at her desk come Monday morning. Over his dead body.

Saturday night they were lying tangled on the couch as the credits rolled on the movie they'd all been watching. It had almost felt like old times; Kirsten falling asleep mid-plot, Sandy making sarcastic comments, Seth laughing inappropriately and Ryan unable to keep the grin off his face at the prospect of a family night. However, things were quite as picture-perfect as they appeared. The boys had agonised over movie choices for a good hour, struggling to find something that wouldn't convulse Kirsten into immediate tears and then it had taken the pair of them several minutes to persuade her to join them. When she finally agreed, having avoided them for most of the week because she hated them seeing her like this, she sat as far as possible from Sandy as the sofa would allow. He had offered an arm and been steadfastly ignored. Kirsten was still shy of physical contact; knowing the slightest sympathy or comfort made her want to cry and she was tired of crying. Her husband had attempted to be stealth, shuffling towards her every time he changed position and she didn't have the heart to remonstrate. She knew as she drifted off, head slipping onto his shoulder, that he would gently manoeuvre her onto his lap and the part of her that secretly wanted it, let it happen.

Therefore it wasn't a surprise to wake up with her head resting on Sandy's chest when roused by the triumphant finale music. Seth groaned and rolled over from his spot on the floor, watching as Ryan crawled over to the TV and ejected the disk; he was still the only one who could operate the DVD player.

'Awake enough for a round on the play-station?' Seth asked.

'Yeah, I guess,' Ryan replied, 'I should probably go study though.'

'It's Saturday Ryan, no studying, Saturday night is Seth-Ryan time, study tomorrow.'

'Seth…'

'We're brothers Ryan, and you know what brothers do?'

'Sail?'

'Well yes, that too, but brothers also play play-station.'

'I have a test.'

'Play-station, play-station, play-station!' he said in that weird whispering way of his and Ryan threw his hands up in defeat, 'OK, ok, I'll do it tomorrow. Right now I'm gonna kick your ass!'

He glanced guiltily at Kirsten but she had her eyes closed and was seemingly oblivious to everything but the hand that Sandy was running through her hair.

'Come on,' Seth yelled, already halfway to the pool house.

Sandy rolled his eyes at Ryan and declined his offer of tidying up, 'Go have fun Ryan; Kirsten and I'll do it later, Seth needs a good thrashing at play-station and you're the man to do it!'

As soon as Ryan was safely ensconced in the pool house, Sandy bent to kiss his wife, nervously; expecting the gesture to be rejected. To his surprise Kirsten opened her eyes and smiled lazily at him, 'Boys gone?'

'The call of the play-station,' Sandy told her, sweeping her hair up and gently placing a kiss on the back of her neck. She shivered delightedly and reached up tousle his hair, moving his head towards her own. Their lips met in a flurry of kisses, tender at first and then more passionate as Kirsten fumbled with the buttons of his shirt.

'Perhaps we should continue this upstairs,' Sandy suggested, knowing Seth was likely to appear and ruin the moment. Kirsten froze, a dark flicker of fear appearing in her blue eyes. It was as though she'd just woken up, suddenly remembered and at once she withdrew from the contact.

'I should…tidy up…' she mumbled, drawing away but Sandy kept his arms around her, 'I didn't mean to press you Kir, I just thought you'd want to avoid a run-in with Seth.'

He felt her relax slightly and took the opportunity to settle back down with her, 'Let's just stay here a while.'

'Sorry,' she said quietly, resting against his chest again. He could feel her heart racing against him and ran a reassuring hand down her back, 'It's okay sweetie, that's fine,'

She snuggled against him and he began to feel drowsy as he listened to her breathing evening out. He didn't realise when she'd fallen asleep because he had too.

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AN. Sorry if these chapters seem kind of bitty I'm struggling to string the parts that span these two weeks together!

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