Maybe It's Better This Way

---

Sorry again for the delay – but you can't just blame me, it's work and Kandy and Em's fault too (ducks to avoid death by flying paintbrush!). But it is long again to make up for it! Hopefully after 21 I will get almost a home run to the end. Not quite, but it'll certainly be better than it's been lately! Thank you so much for all your reviews, they mean so much to me.

---

Chapter 20: Twice, Three Times

She didn't come back until late that evening but Sandy held his tongue when she arrived bearing Thai and smiling. True it was a fake one, but he was hoping to delay the argument about the number of voicemails he had left on her cell and so played along.

Come Monday she didn't set the alarm or try to go to work and he wondered if things were turning around. Sandy hated to hijack her good mood for his own ends and probably ruin it, but there was a conversation they needed to have as a family. And one with a bit more substance than whether the dumplings were too soggy.

---

'What are you two doing home?' a confused Kirsten asked on walking into the kitchen and finding her two sons sat at the island.

'Summer vacation?' Seth snapped in his 'dur-it's-obvious' voice, upset that his mother hadn't remembered and angry with himself for minding.

Ryan frowned slightly. Kirsten always knew the dates of everything; school, Newpsie events, building contracts, all major Christian and Jewish holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, she could reel them off whenever needed. Obviously not today. He refused to think 'not anymore'.

'Sorry,' she mumbled rubbing a hand across her forehead as she went for a cup of coffee. Sandy leaned in to kiss her as she passed him and she accepted it but didn't reciprocate.

'So…what's going on?' she asked, leaning against the sink with her cup of coffee, attempting to appear nonchalant despite the tense atmosphere.

The men exchanged awkward glances.

'Seth and Ryan are sat in the grounding chairs, are they in trouble already? It's only the first day of vacation!'

'No…actually,' Sandy began hesitantly, 'um…we were all gonna talk.'

'Oh.'

'As a family, about…our family, about the way things are right now. The way we feel, the way you feel...'

'Not before breakfast,' she said sharply.

'You know it's basically lunch time,' Seth pointed out.

She rolled her eyes at her son, the pedant.

'Well not on an empty stomach.' She was stalling, they all knew that but Sandy relented, reaching for a bagel and schmearing it for his wife. She accepted it with quiet thanks, eating slowly, mechanically, the bread and cream cheese like sawdust in her mouth. Taking a large gulp of coffee she glanced at the other half of the bagel and pushed the plate towards her husband. Sandy snaffled it quickly; conscious of the two boys with insatiable appetites only metres away.

'Well,' he said as he munched. 'Isn't this nice?'

'Let's just get it over with.'

Sandy swallowed the rest of the bagel in one gulp and began to choke. He reached for his mug of coffee, not realising Kirsten had topped it up, and took a swig, scalding himself. The result was an anguished yell and much coughing, spluttering and swearing. His sons slumped against the countertop, their laughter at their father's antics mainly just a nervous reaction to the friction in the room. Kirsten looked less amused.

'When your father has finished being a prat…' she muttered, unceremoniously handing him a cloth.

'Thanks honey, love you too,' he joked and received a withering glance from his wife which sobered him slightly, his serious expression returning. 'Do you…want to sit down?'

'I'm fine standing,' she replied. It was easier to make a getaway that way. She narrowed her eyes looking at each of the members of her family in turn, daring one of them to speak, to start this stupid conversation she didn't want to have.

'We're all worried,' predictably it was Sandy who began the charade. 'Things aren't right Kirsten and you know it. We can't live like this. We're concerned about you.'

'Well that's very nice but not necessary,' she responded coldly. 'I'm fine.'

'Don't do this Kirsten, don't shut off. We're your family and we all know you're not.'

'All I know is that you're interfering. There is nothing wrong.'

'I'm sorry honey but you can't deny it. I know it's not easy but you need to listen to us. I don't want you to keep hurting. Do you think it is easy living like this? I can't cope with you hurting, hurting yourself and hurting us.'

'Sandy, you're overreacting,' she hissed, glancing at the boys who were obviously in league with her interfering husband. 'Everyone is overreacting.'

'No we're not,' Sandy continued. 'We are simply recognising there is a problem. If it was one of us trapped in a spiral like this you know you'd help us. If someone else was hurting you'd want them to get help.'

'I don't know that. I think I'd recognise the fact everyone is entitled to grieve and I would respect their feelings.'

'I just feel, we feel, that it can't hurt to speak to someone. Someone who understands better than we do; a professional. Whether it's a therapist, a counsellor, a psychiatrist, a doctor, it doesn't matter but you need to start dealing and after everything in the past as well…' He paused, his voice a little shaky. 'I don't know what else I can do Kirsten, I'm trying to live with what happened too and it's hard to keep both of us afloat. I'm sorry but I need you back.'

No answer. Kirsten stared right through him, anger bristling.

Her husband sighed and looked to his sons. Seth looked overwhelmed, but Ryan nodded and hesistantly cleared his throat. 'Kirsten…'

'Oh don't you say a word,' she spat before he could speak. 'This isn't about you or Seth, you don't know how I feel.'

Her son gulped nervously but spoke regardless of her harsh words. 'I know I don't, not really but I know someone who does. And she wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to and I lost her. I don't want that to happen to someone else I love.'

Kirsten felt guilt, thick as bile in the back of her throat. Why the hell had she lashed out at him like that? Ryan deserved so much better.

But still she couldn't back down. She was Kirsten Nichol Cohen; Nichols kept fighting, kept their wounds and weaknesses hidden. 'I don't know what you all think you're doing…' her voice was a shrill staccato. She was becoming panicked; they could all see it in her face; the blue eyes flicking back and forth, her jaw clenched, fingers twitching nervously beside her. 'But I am not talking to a complete and utter stranger about how I feel. I am not going.'

The last word was punctuated by Kirsten turning on her heel and walking away.

'Mom.'

She stopped, not turning round but obviously listening. Seth's voice was plaintive but even.

'Mom, please, you gotta do this.'

The room was silent aside from the ragged breaths Kirsten was taking, her head bowed. 'I can't,' she choked, the words turning into sobs. 'I'm…sorry…I just…can't.' Again she tried to leave but walked straight into Sandy's chest. He felt her struggle for a second before dropping her head onto his shoulder and crying into his shirt. The sound of stools scraping on the floor didn't register until two pairs of arms wrapped around them both, one set brawny, the other wiry. He was damn proud of his sons.

---

'O.K. I love you all but the man-hugging (no offence mom) is getting to me; I gotta flex my muscles or something.' As usual, Seth was the one to break the moment.

'What muscles?' his brother joked as they all separated.

Kirsten still had her head buried in Sandy's neck, sniffing as she tried to regain control, her face flushed and shiny with tears when she did finally emerge. Immediately Ryan was beside her with a box of tissues. She took one, smiling weakly. 'Thanks Ryan and sorry…for what I said.'

'It's okay.'

Kirsten dabbed her eyes, breathing deeply, Sandy's hand still at her back, rubbing gently.

'I…need to sit down,' she mumbled, suddenly exhausted.

Sandy steered her to the table and she sank onto a chair thankfully. The boys hovered nervously by the sink as Sandy sat facing his wife, both her hands in his.

'Honey…I hate to push you but...we have to do something.'

'I know,' she admitted quietly, 'but…'

'Kirsten, maybe it would be easier with someone you don't know. You're certainly not talking to us.'

'I don't want to talk.'

'What about me?' he shot back at her. 'Don't you think I might want to talk about it?'

'That's not the same.'

'It's more similar than you think,' he told her, his voice low, heart exposed.

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't apologise, just tell us you'll see someone, talk.'

'I can't Sandy, please. You know I can't. I have a hard enough time opening up to you and we've been married twenty years.'

'Yes I do know and I'm failing you…'

'No you're not.'

'Well I'm doing something wrong or you would be talking to me.'

'I can't talk to anyone.'

'That's where you're wrong. You are going to.'

'Sandy!'

'Kirsten, we're not pussyfooting around this anymore. The last few weeks have been hellish for all of us and you've been hurt most but you can't be like this forever. It's not healthy.'

She wanted to yell back at him but she didn't have the energy. Plus he was right. She hated how often he was right.

'You will see someone.'

That however, she was never going to agree with.

'Listen, Sandy…Seth, Ryan, I know you only want to help and I know it isn't fair on you being like this but you have to understand…' she burst out in one hurried, frightened breath. 'I'll try and talk to you but I can't talk to a stranger, I just, can't. Really, I'm sorry. I am. But I can't and you can't make me. I won't.'

The tears were gone by now, her face firm, eyes steely. All three males recognised the old Kirsten unfurling somewhere inside the vulnerable woman she had become.

Sandy didn't want to give in but he did know he wasn't going to win. Not today, probably not ever. He'd lose her first.

His sons were looking at him and their eyes met, all defeated. Thwarted by the one woman they all loved.

He took a deep breath, the lawyer in him finding a compromise. 'You are going to talk to one of us. We don't care who. But you refuse point blank to go outside this family for help so you're going to be helped here. You are going to talk. Maybe only a few words at first, maybe only a sentence or two whenever you can, perhaps you'll cry, perhaps you won't, it may be to me or Seth or Ryan but you're going to do it. One or all of us, none is not an option.'

'Sandy! I can't offload on them, they're too young.'

'Honey, they're dealing with this already. They're almost adults, shutting them out isn't gonna help.'

'What he said,' Seth agreed.

'We're not exactly kids any more Kirsten. Please, just let us help if we can.'

'But I want you to be. I know you've both always been old souls but you should be enjoying your childhood…'

Seth snorted. 'Mom please, I have orbited the sun for seventeen years, less of the 'child' please.'
His mother gave a quiet, tearful chuckle.

'I love you all so much, I'm sorry for putting you through this.'

'Just promise us you'll talk.'

Kirsten swallowed nervously but nodded, slowly.

'Well you're not going back to work until you do.' Sandy declared.

'That's blackmail,' she exclaimed.

'I don't care.'

'Sanford Cohen! Your morals are slipping,' she said teasingly, the mood lightening slightly.

'When it concerns you, you know I'd do anything.'

'I still think there is room for negotiation.'

'Oh here comes Caleb Nichol's daughter.'

'Sandy! Look, how about part-time?'

'No, we'll see about that later on. For now I don't want you anywhere near the office.'

'Working from home?'

'Why can't you just rest?'

'Because I hate resting. You know that's not me.'

'Kirsten…'

'Just listen to me. I won't overdo it but I need to have something to do.' Her eyes were pleading and he knew it was true. It would be cruel really, to try and force her to do nothing.

'Fine, as long as you try talking to us I'll discuss working from home with your father'

'When?'

'Next week.'

'Sandy.'

'Yes darling?'

'For next week?'

'I meant I'd talk to him next week.'

'What about the weekend?'

'We'll see.'

-----

A couple of days later Ryan was in the garden when Kirsten stormed out of the patio doors from the kitchen. She stopped short when she saw him, tucking her hair behind her ears, obviously embarrassed. He could see his foster father at the table looking as if he was about to bash his head against it.

'I'm sorry,' she said when she saw his face. 'We really have to stop arguing when you and Seth are in the house, it isn't fair.'

Her son ducked his head, 'It's okay.'

'No, it's not. But apart from arguing we're fine. We love each other.'

'I know.' He did. One certainty he did have was that his foster parents couldn't stop loving each other even when they were hurt and angry.

Kirsten sighed and gave a wobbly smile. 'I should go…apologise.' She headed towards the bedroom doors.

'Kirsten? Sandy's still in the kitchen.'

She turned round, biting her lip; a slight flush colouring her face and letting him know she already knew that. 'I was…' she began.

'Kirsten…I know it's not really my place to say but…surely it's easier to talk to him?'

Tears welled up in her eyes and he immediately felt guilty, a feeling assuaged by Kirsten sitting down next to him on the pool lounger and hugging him.

'It is your place; you're part of this family. I'm trying, we're trying...but for some reason it's just not happening between Sandy and I.'

Ryan smirked. 'That sounds really wrong Kirsten.'

She laughed slightly at that. 'Well you'll be glad to know it's not like that.'

'Actually I don't mind…that much. At least it means you're happy.'

'Yeah,' she answered thoughtfully, wondering if that would be easier than talking and perhaps more successful.

'Maybe you don't want to talk to him because you know it'll hurt him as well…maybe talking to someone else would be better…'

Kirsten drew away slightly.

'Not a psychiatrist or a therapist or anything,' he continued hurriedly, 'just…the doctor. See what she says.'

'She suggested therapy. I don't need therapy. I know I'm not dealing very well but she was my daughter… Maybe it's stupid to be this attached; I barely knew her. It's not like I lost you or Seth, thank God, it's just…I loved her too.'

Ryan swallowed. 'I…I understand,' he mumbled.

She nodded slowly, guilt flooding her eyes. 'Yeah. And here I am bringing it all up for you again…'

'It's okay.'

'I realise now I should have done more for you when it happened…'

'No. We were too young; it was a relief more than anything…even though I felt guilty for feeling that. But it doesn't mean I didn't care, right?'

'Of course not,' Kirsten soothed, her mind whirring.

Dealing with everything, getting over her grief, didn't mean she didn't care, right?

---

It gave Seth quite a shock to find his mother in his room. She didn't often cross the threshold anymore. Although she'd cried the night he'd told her he was 'too old to be kissed goodnight' she respected his wishes and didn't look in on him without a viable reason, although that did include the 'goodnight' minus the kiss. But now here she was, sat at the computer, the room in darkness. Her face, illuminated by the blue glow of the screen, was wet with tears.

'Mom?' Seth exclaimed anxiously.

'Oh hey sweetie,' she said looking up and hurriedly wiping her cheeks, 'I'm sorry; I had to email your grandfather some documents but the PC is on the blink again and my laptop is at work, I didn't touch your computer files, or anything in your room, honest.'

Her son smiled wryly, 'No worries mom…are you okay?'

'Yeah, yeah I am.'

Seth wasn't convinced; he could see her right hand agitatedly twisting the rings she wore on her left, a sure sign something was wrong. He looked at her pointedly and she hung her head, her tearstained face and shaky breathing were a give away really and she should know better than try to lie to Seth. He was a master.

'I…uh, took Ryan's advice and talked to the doctor…she sent me some links…to websites, forums…other people who've…had…,' Kirsten hesitated, '…who've lost…,' she paused and rephrased again, '…gone though the same thing, telling their stories, chatting. Some of these women Seth, they're so brave,' she gave a tearful laugh, 'so much stronger than me'. 'Some never realised for months, others suffered so much or they were alone through the whole thing. I don't know how they coped. Some of them have been through it twice, three times, more. They don't have children already and they just keep hoping. I'm so lucky. Thank God I have you Seth. I love you so much, so much.' Kirsten pressed a hand over her mouth to smother her sobs and headed towards the door. Seth didn't know what to say but he caught her as she passed, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing her as tight as he could, just like he did when he was little. Only then it had always been her who comforted him while he cried into her shoulder, not the other way around.

-----

'Do you think I'm selfish Sandy?' she asked into the darkness one night as she and her husband lay silently side by side.

'No, why would I think that?' he asked startled.

'But I am; I've been incredibly selfish over this baby.'

'I don't think so and even if you were it's justified.'

'All I thought about was myself and how much it hurt. Not really about how it affected you or Seth and Ryan. And I have so much to be thankful for and I haven't been.'

'Hon-ey,' Sandy chastised gently.

'It's true.'

'Stop it Kirsten.'

'But…'

'It doesn't matter. It hurt you most so you were bound to think about it in relation to you.'

'I guess,' she said, not convinced. She was so incredibly lucky; she had no right to cry.

'Promise. You're not to worry about this.'

'I just don't want to be a spoilt, selfish Newpsie.'

'You couldn't if you tried.'

There were a few minutes of silence, Sandy trailing his fingers through Kirsten's hair and willing her to believe him.

'Do you still love me even though I'm not perfect?'

'Of course I love you. I always love you.'

'But…'

'No one's perfect.'

'But…'

'I don't love you because you're perfect or not, I love you for you. However, to me you are pretty much perfect.'

'You're biased.'

'You made me that way.'

'But…'

'But what? There aren't any of those in the way I love you.'

'But what about, what I did…all those years ago?'

'That's in the past. I love you.'

'I know, you said you still did but you didn't know if you could…'

'Forgive you?'

'Yeah.'

'Darling, I already have. I should have said before, I just…didn't want to bring it up again. I thought you knew. I wouldn't hold that against you this long, I understand and I love you.'

'I know…and you deserve more from me.'

'It's okay,' he lied.

'No. I know it's not. I'm trying, honestly I am, but talking to you…it shouldn't be this hard but it is.'

'I understand,' Sandy lied again.

'Really?'

He sighed but couldn't complete the hat-trick of untruths. 'No.'

'I'm sorry.'

'We'll get there,' he said, holding her close and swallowing bitter tears and resentment. Why was it this hard?

-----

A.N. Ah yes, I do love to steal lines from Josh and reuse them! But hey, it's fun.

---

All my reviewers are going to the top of the class and handing the pencils out! Who could ask for a better incentive?

---