Maybe It's Better This Way

---

You guys! I'm just totally speechless (ok, obviously not literally) from the response to chapter 24. The fluff was worth waiting for I take it! Hope you enjoy the flashback, the fluff, the smut and the talking which follow. Thank you so much

---

Chapter 25: Midnight

'Why are we stopping?' the Kirsten of more than twenty years ago asked the boy stood beside her holding her hand. A twenty-two year old Sandy Cohen smiled that same secretive smile and chuckled at her. A pair of bright blue eyes were fixed inquisitively on his face and he lost himself in them for a moment, not knowing that he would have all the time in the world to stare into them. That he would get to see them almost every morning for who knew how long. That he would get to see them in a thousand guises, revealing a hundred secrets, keeping a hundred more, telling truth and lies without words. He would know them blue, green and grey with different emotions. He didn't know that one day these eyes and his would be able to have entire conversations, that they would say yes and I do to his questions even before she did. He didn't know, didn't even think it, so he was drinking in those eyes while he had the chance. For this was only their first date.

Kirsten looked into the eyes of her date trying to work out what he was up to. One thing she was sure of was that she would be surprised. This was the guy who had worn a paper bag over his head to a Halloween party, lived in a mail truck and had kept her entertained for almost two hours when the pizza failed to arrive. Kirsten Nichol had experienced the best of everything growing up and been taken to endless fancy restaurants by Jimmy and the few other boys she'd dated, yet those times didn't compare to tonight.

There had been no pressure and no pretensions; Sandy had been straight with her from the moment they met. His offer to 'go out, or rather, stay in the back of my mail truck with some takeout,' had been nervous and genuine. Accepting it had been one very good decision.

Once she'd managed to stop his apologising for the state of his truck they fell straight back into the comfortable rapport of the night they met. They talked openly, the cheap wine urging them into laughter and the pizza, when it did finally arrive, was one of the best she'd ever tasted. The last time she'd had so much fun? She couldn't remember.

It was a shock to realise it was nearing twelve, and, knowing they both had early classes the next day, Sandy had got up reluctantly from the floor and offered to walk her home. And now, with no idea that they would be here again so many years later, they were stood on a nondescript street corner in the middle of Berkeley.

'Do you know where we are?' Sandy asked and she glanced around for the signs on the post above them.

'On the corner of Jefferson and Channing?'

'Aside from that?'

'No.'

'We're halfway between your place and mine.'

'Oh,' she answered, 'that's nice.'

'I know you're probably thinking that was really random and wondering why I know,' he began to ramble, 'but I'm not really a stalker or anything, I just noted it and…'

'It's okay Sandy; it's sweet…sort of.'

'So you don't think I'm a stalker.'

'No,' she told him, laughing, 'I know you are.'

He laughed too. 'Sorry if I scared you I just…wanted to get to know you.'

'Flattery Mr Cohen?'

'Maybe a little. So you didn't mind?'

'Don't worry about it. I was told you were harmless, if a little crazy.'

'And I guess I'm not doing very well disproving the latter.'

'Not really. The halfway thing did kinda throw me.'

He ducked his head, obviously embarrassed. 'I said it because…I really want to say something else…'

'Yes?'

'I'm gonna break the first rule of law here and pose a question I don't know the answer to but…can I ask you something?'

'Sure.'

'That wasn't the question by the way.'

'I know,' she said, smiling affectionately.

'Just so I don't worry about it the rest of the way…'

'Say it Sandy, you've been strangely quiet for ages.'

'I wondered…if you'd maybe…possibly…perhaps want to go out again…with me?'

'Or stay in?' she asked teasingly.

'Yeah or that,' was the sheepish response.

'I'd love to.'

'Really?'

'Yes really.'

Sandy fought the urge to do a celebratory dance while Kirsten mused over his insecurity; couldn't he tell she'd had a great time?

'In that case…can I ask you another question?'

'Ask away.'

'When we…uh, get to your dorm, can…could…may I kiss you goodbye?'

'You can kiss me now.'

Sandy looked so hesitant she hurriedly backtracked. 'If you want to that is.'

'Oh I want to, I was just giving you time to change your mind.'

'You're such a gentleman.'

'I try,' he said, easing himself closer and slipping his free arm around her waist. Kirsten glanced up at him through modestly lowered lashes to find nervousness in the expressive eyes. Glad to know it wasn't only her heart that was thumping rapidly in her chest, not only her breath that was catching in her throat, she closed her eyes. It felt like forever before their lips met in their first kiss and time no longer mattered.

When Sandy began to pull away after one short, sweet kiss, she reached up to wind her arms around his neck and keep him there. She felt him smile against her mouth and tighten his arms around her. Then she was lost again, more confident lips caressing each other and tentative tongues making love as they kissed on the midnight street.

---

'Kirsten?' Sandy was asking worriedly, 'Kirsten?'

Her voice sounded very far away when she answered, 'Yes?'

'You zoned out there for a minute honey.'

'I was just remembering why we've stopped here,' she said, glancing at the sign post.

Sandy smiled, relieved she hadn't forgotten, chastising himself for thinking she might. 'Well in that case, can I ask you something?'

Kirsten didn't answer, twining her arms about his neck and kissing him full on the lips. He kissed back, the gesture all the sweeter for all the kisses between then and now but with the same intensity it had had all those years ago. They had changed, their lives had changed, Berkeley had changed, the signpost, the sidewalk and the scenery had changed, but it was the same street corner and the love that had begun that night was the same.

-----

'Today was good?' Sandy said, not sure whether it was a statement or a question. Kirsten nodded and cuddled up to her husband who was flopped on the bed. 'Yeah, thanks Sandy.'

'It was…fun.' And it had been, he mused. Fun like they used to have, just a guy and a girl hanging out. No pressure, no responsibilities, no problems. Life wasn't like that anymore but it was nice to pretend for a while. Spend some time together without thinking about any of the shit or the drama. Or sex. Today they'd been like a teenage couple…a young couple, still in the 'honeymoon' stages, he amended, reflecting that they'd been pretty sex-crazed in college. Just having fun together, holding hands, kissing, nothing more.

'We don't have much time for fun anymore.'

'Well we'll have to make time.'

Suddenly Sandy suspected there might be something 'more' to the 'nothing more'. Kirsten's eyes contained a mischievous glint he knew well but barely recognised these days.

'Really?'

He felt her lips brush against his, slowly tentatively but unmistakably. Sandy returned the kiss with a little more weight but not much, letting Kirsten take control. She shifted a little closer and her husband used the opportunity to slide his arm round her, one hand gently stroking her back, the other caressing her cheek.

'Is that the best you can do?' she asked teasingly, a few soft kiss filled minutes later. In reply Sandy trailed kisses across her face and down her neck, his wife tilting her head back in ecstasy. Her hands moved to his hair, tugging him up to her mouth again, tongue delving to find his, insisting on further intimacy.

---

This time Sandy was careful, and slow, and gentle. Taking everything moment by moment, inch by inch, kiss by kiss. He touched every curve and every curl, covering her entire body, every inch of skin first with his fingers and then with kisses until each nerve quivered. Kirsten didn't cry. She didn't close her eyes and try to imagine it wasn't happening. Her eyes were blue-flame hot and focused entirely on her husband who stared back with the same look of utter adoration. This was more than sex it was making love.

-----

'You're looking better,' he told her on Sunday morning. And she did; cheeks rosy, eyes bright in the sunshine slanting in through the half-drawn curtains.

'I feel better,' she smiled coyly, 'Could be something to do with how you made me feel last night.'

'And how was that?' he asked, his voice teasing as he ran his fingers across her bare shoulder.

'It might make you big-headed.'

'Not possible.'

Kirsten coughed pointedly.

'Ok you couldn't make me any bigger-headed.'

'You make everything better.'

'I try.'

'You make me feel…I don't know; I can't explain. I don't just mean the sex, although that's pretty good, it's everything…' she paused as she saw Sandy pouting. 'What?'

'Pretty good? Pretty good?'

'I'm trying to keep that ego of yours in check.'

'A man's ego is only a big as his…' Kirsten muffled the end of this declaration by pressing her palm over her husband's mouth. 'I did not want to know that.'

Sandy smiled and twisted his head to catch Kirsten's fingertips in his mouth. 'I'm just telling you I can't help it.'

She giggled, 'I'd better not try to reduce your ego then.'

'Not if you want to keep feeling better.'

-----

Sandy watched his wife pick at the in-flight meal that evening, recognised the vacant expression in her eyes as she stared out into the darkness pricked with tiny lights far below, and knew there was something on her mind. Who was he kidding? They both had a lot on their minds, but this was obviously troubling her, something she wanted to say but wasn't. He hoped beyond hope that she would voice her thoughts before they landed; anxious that back in Newport she would cloak her feelings once again.

Kirsten felt his gaze and even though there was no way she could deny how distracted she was, instinct made her defensive.

'What?' her eyes demanded, even as she revelled in once again being able to silently communicate with her husband.

'You know what,' his flashed in return.

This time she raised an eyebrow.

He raised one back and she sighed, her eyes dropping from his. 'It's just…' She shook her head, almost imperceptibly, trying to banish the thought but it was still there. And she could still feel Sandy's eyes boring into her. He probably already knew she reasoned. 'Just…we always wanted another baby,' she said wistfully, her voice barely more than a whisper even though the small plane was half empty and there was no one nearby to hear.

'Yeah,' he agreed softly. 'I'm sorry we've never…'

'It's okay, it's not like we didn't have the chance. Not as though we still don't…' she laughed slightly, making it a throwaway comment, but he knew what she was thinking.

'I know sweetie but…we couldn't possibly. I would do anything for you but… I don't think we should.' He paused, hating to say this but frightened by the idea. 'We can't Kirsten; we can't go through it again. I won't let you get hurt, not like this.'

'I know.' Her voice was very small.

'I don't want us hurt again.'

She swallowed quietly.

'I could have lost you,' he said fervently. 'That day, I don't think I've ever been so scared. However much I mourn the baby I'm always thankful it wasn't you. You know what that would do to me?' Sandy stopped, unable to articulate the thought of the unspeakable.

Kirsten bit her lip, 'I'll never leave you, I couldn't leave you.'

'Well I'm not letting you go.'

Kirsten smiled, 'It's not like…I want to…to…'

'Try again?'

'Mmm…I just…don't want to have lost her.'

'I know. Me either.'

He felt a small, cold hand edge under his and curled his fingers around it. She stared at their hands, knowing her voice would wobble if she tried to speak again just yet.

'I know…' she began slowly, 'I know I have you and I love you, so much, it's just…she left and the boys are leaving and…' she trailed off. Sandy switched hands so he could continue to hold hers and put an arm round his wife. She cuddled into him letting the security of his arms, the soft rumble of his chest as he spoke in a low voice and his soothing words comfort her. He told her he would always be there, that because she loved them she had to learn to let her children go. That he felt the same way, he knew it was hard but they'd be okay.

Kirsten nodded, declining the tissue he offered. 'It's just going to be so strange with them away at college, that's all. I don't mean to be so…wet about it.'

'You're not,' he insisted. 'But it'll be fine. Honest. They'll visit, come home for holidays, you'll probably hijack the Newport Group's jet to go see them anyway.'

'They'd disown me,' she joked but the laughter didn't quite reach her eyes.

'What is it honey?'

'It's just…when we left for college, we left. Admittedly I didn't manage to avoid Newport for very long but it was still a break, an escape. I didn't talk to my dad for two years after I went to Berkeley…and then not for two after our wedding.'

'That's different. At least I hope I'm different to your father!'

She laughed at that. 'You hardly ever went home either.'

'Now that is different.'

'How?'

'It's my mother.'

'Sometimes I think I'm so like my parents and it kills me. Seth's been desperate to leave for years. I'm scared they won't come back home.'

'They will. We're here.'

'Well as long as you are, I will be too.'

Sandy paused, looking at his wife, 'You know…we don't have to stay here. Well…not here as such because here is 30,000 feet up somewhere over California but, you know what I mean; in Newport.' He rambled, Kirsten smiling at him indulgently. 'When the boys are at college we could move, go travelling, buy back the old house in Berkeley…'

'We don't know it's still there.'

'I meant to go see this weekend, guess I got distracted. Just means we have to go back!'

'I don't know Sandy. Sometimes I hate it in Newport…other times…it's home.'

'Know the feeling. When the sun's shining, the surf's up and I haven't pissed you off too much, I kind of like that place!'

'Aw honey. Well, I don't mean we can't think about it.'

'It was just a suggestion, I didn't mean I wasn't happy or…'

'Sandy! It's okay. It was a good suggestion.'

---

Kirsten fell asleep in the car on the way home and Sandy watched her, smiling as she murmured his name in her sleep. He was thankful her dreams appeared pleasant; it hurt to have her call his name with a voice full of tears and not be able to wake her from a nightmare. He was tired too; perhaps they shouldn't have stayed up quite so late last night. But now Kirsten was back on form they had to make up for lost time. She slept almost the entire journey, not even stirring when they pulled up the drive to their overly-large house. Sandy shook his head; it still got to him sometimes. His life. Not that he'd change it for the world now, but still. It was pretty crazy. He often wondered which poor soul was living the life meant for him.

He gently shook Kirsten but she crinkled her nose and turned the other way.

'We're home honey.'

No answer.

He couldn't decide whether she was really asleep or just pretending so he'd carry her. Ah well, he didn't mind, he reflected, climbing out of the car and moving to open the passenger door.

He often wondered how things turned out this way.

Sandy lifted his wife, looping her arms around his neck and she snuggled into him.

'Love you.'

He thought about that too; why Kirsten loved him.

'Love you too baby.'

But most of the time he was just damn glad.

-------

Seth immediately looked concerned on opening the door to see his dad with his mother in his arms.

'Is mom ok?' he asked.

'She's fine,' Sandy insisted, 'just asleep.'

Kirsten yawned and opened her eyes, 'Not asleep.' She caught sight of her two sons' worried faces and felt embarrassed at being in such a un-mom-esque position. 'Just tired,' she told them, wriggling so her husband would set her down.

'Good weekend?' Ryan enquired, stumbling through the front door carrying their suitcases.

Sandy caught his wife's eye, there was no way Seth or Ryan were ever going to find out they hadn't left the hotel room all day today.

'Yes, it was great. Thanks Ryan, I could have got those.'

'No worries.'

'Tiring weekend?' Seth questioned, watching Sandy stifle a yawn himself.

'Um, Yeah.'

'I'm hoping that's because you fit so much sight-seeing into your three days; open-top bus tour, museums, galleries, ghost walk, opera…am I right?'

'There isn't a ghost walk in Berkeley.'

'Well for my peace of mind I'm going to pretend there is.'

'Son, you've got to come to terms with the fact that your mother's a hottie and I got her. You expect me not to take advantage of that?'

'Ugh Dad!'

Ryan had his hands over his face and was laughing. Kirsten slid an arm round his shoulders. 'I do apologise, I hope we're not scarring you for life, I know Seth insists we are.' Her foster son smiled, Seth didn't know how lucky he was. Ryan knew what it was like to be scarred, physically, emotionally, with fists, with words. Hearing about your parent's sex life, although particularly undesirable, didn't hurt.

-----

---

N.B. Chapter 26 may take a while so apologies if I don't get it up before I leave on Sunday. It's just I decided an extra chapter was needed (it always kinda existed but not separate) the other chapters are all done. Sorry

---

---

Please review. I'd sing it on a mandolin dressed up as a jester if it would help.

---