Maybe It's Better This Way

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Thanks for all the reviews so quickly. To reciprocate here is the next chapter!

Well there is a definite winding down feel to things now but you have bonding with each of her boys to look forward to still, and perhaps even with Caleb! Sorry it's a little short, it's just the way things panned out.

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Chapter 27: Making Time

There were good days and bad days. Some mornings she would wake, and although she was always met by the ceaseless thoughts of the baby, both babies actually, she would manage to force herself up before grief could engulf her. If she did that she could usually manage the rest of the day. Downstairs she would take the coffee Sandy handed her and lean gratefully against him as he stood by the counter, relaxing as his arm snaked securely around her. There she could watch Ryan as he did some last minute studying and let Seth's incessant chatter wash over her, breathing in the familiar scene along with the aroma of coffee. This was her life, her family. This was how it was meant to be, she was happy.

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Other times, rare as it was these days, she couldn't bear the flood of emotions that hit her when she awoke, and it would take Sandy half the morning to coax her out of bed, or if it was a very bad day, out of the closet. Sometimes as she stood in the kitchen could almost see the baby in her highchair, Seth and Ryan pulling faces to make her laugh and Sandy vainly trying to spoon food into her smiling mouth. Those days she followed Kirsten everywhere and at night she would walk distractedly through the house hearing her daughter's cries. Even when Sandy came to find her, she would imagine she saw the little girl in his arms, blue eyes that matched Kirsten's own staring up at her father.

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She made time in her life for all of them now. Family came first, no questions. Every so often she still rushed out of the house in a flurry of papers on a morning and sometimes important meetings ran late but she took a step back from her job. She loved it but now it had to balance. The time she would have taken off for the baby was re-arranged into her schedule; letting her be more flexible. When she did come back, a day later than planned, Kirsten found most of her fears were unfounded, particularly in the case of the other CFO. Tim Harper turned out to be a dapper gentleman in his mid-sixties, more interested in returning to his interrupted retirement with a job well done than stealing her position. With few family commitments and only the taste for an occasional round of golf as a hobby, he was on hand to finish up the out-of-hours business and often shoo her out the door when he deemed it time for her to go home. She was a self-confessed workaholic and although she couldn't completely beat it, she was learning to switch of for a while and just enjoy life. A life that was still sweet despite the bitterness.

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One day in late summer Seth had planned to take Summer sailing on the re-named Summer Breeze. That morning she'd called and Kirsten had watched as her son's excited face had fallen.

'What's up?' she asked as he hung up, trying not to sound too nosy.

Seth slumped onto the sofa, 'Summer can't come,' he muttered gloomily, 'she's got flu or something.'

'I'm sorry honey,'

'I wouldn't care, it's just that this was our last chance before she had to go to Washington with her dad. It was gonna be perfect; with a picnic and everything.'

Kirsten smiled; her son was turning into such a romantic, just like his dad. She was lost in thought when Seth spoke again.

'Hey mom, you don't want to come do you? Little bit of Seth-Mom bonding?' His tone was light-hearted but not as indifferent as he tried to make out.

'Well I'm not so sure I'll be much of a substitute,' she laughed, flattered by her son's new-found recognition.

'Substitute for what?' Sandy asked as he passed through, pausing to kiss Kirsten on the cheek.

'Summer,' she told him, 'she and Seth were going sailing but she's sick.'

'Tough luck son; Summer in a bathing suit,' he gave a low whistle causing Kirsten to dig him in the ribs. 'Oy!'

'Ow! Well your mother's even hotter so you've found a pretty good substitute.'

Seth rolled his eyes, 'Ew dad, so not what I wanted to hear.'

'Sorry son, but it's true. Want to switch? You can go to court and I'll take your bikini-clad mother on the boat all day?'

'Thanks dad, but The Kirsten and I are gonna spend some quality time, fully clothed.'

'Worth a try,' Sandy laughed and bent to kiss his wife again before leaving.

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'Hop in mom,' Seth called to Kirsten who was still stood nervously on the dock.

'Are you sure this is safe sweetie?' she asked worriedly, 'it doesn't look very strong…'

Seth resisted the urge to roll his eyes, 'It's a boat mom; it's made of metal.'

His mother bit her lip, 'Yeah but it moves by way of a scrap of tarpaulin and some string being blown by the wind.'

'Exaggerating much? We'll be fine ok, I can sail, you know I can sail and I promise not to capsize.'

'You jolly well better not or you're dead,' she told him, taking a deep breath and lowering herself into the dingy.

Seth cast off and Summer Breeze began to bob away from the quay. As soon as they were out of the harbour Seth had the sails up and they swept along. Kirsten watched the coastline and began to relax.

At least until Seth jibed.

'Duck!' he yelled as the boom swung violently across the small craft. Luckily Kirsten followed the instruction and was saved certain soaking and likely concussion.

'My god Seth,' she cried when the boat was calm again, 'could you please give a little more warning.'

'Sorry,' he chuckled, 'it just happened.'

She began to laugh as well, 'You told me you could sail this thing!'

'I can,' he vowed indignantly, 'that was a jibe.'

'A what?'

'A jibe; it's a bona fide sailing term, honest!'

Kirsten raised an eyebrow, 'It felt more like I'm-a-Cohen-and-I'm-not-in-control' to me.'

'Whatever mom.'

Kirsten revelled in the easy banter. It was a long time since she'd had such a conversation with her son. Usually their talk comprised of short dialogues;

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'Can Ryan and I borrow the Range Rover?'

'If it comes back spray-painted again you're grounded until Christmukah.'

'Okay mom.'

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'Ew, do you two have to do that in here? I'm trying to eat.'

Embarrassed silence.

Protests from Sandy.

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'How was school sweetie?'

'It was school mom, what do you think?'

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They sailed for a long while, going pretty far out into the ocean, talking, laughing, teasing. Subjects ranged from Summer's rage blackouts to comic books, Captain Oats to Seth's favourite bagels, and more seriously, the baby and Sandy and Kirsten's relationship. Kirsten had no idea her son really noticed that much, let alone actually worried about it.

'I thought you were disgusted by your father and me,' she said after Seth had asked whether they were ok.

'I am, I mean impressionable teenagers should not have to suffer such gross displays of affection, particularly early in the morning, but…it's kind of reassuring,' he admitted, 'at least when you and dad are all over each other we know things are alright.'

'Oh honey,' Kirsten breathed, 'you shouldn't be worrying about things like that. We love each other.'

'I know, it's just, you were both working a lot and arguing and…'

'Things haven't been easy recently, even before the whole…baby thing, but we're working on it.'

'So you won't ever like, separate or anything?'

'No sweetie, no. It's not that bad, it's no where near that bad. God can you imagine me without your father?'

'The words asphyxiatingly neurotic spring to mind!'

Kirsten reached out to gently smack her son, 'I know I fuss too much, I just can't stop mothering you. You grew up too fast.'

'I'm sorry,'

'What for? Growing up isn't your fault, I should be the one apologising.'

'No, I mean, I know we don't talk much anymore and I'm sorry if I upset you.'

'It's true I miss what we used to have but you're seventeen Seth, it's to be expected. It's not cool to like your parents.'

Seth was silent for a moment, opening his mouth to say something but not quite forming the words. 'I was…scared, really, really scared that night. I thought we were gonna lose you,' he said, faltering and staring down at the water. 'And don't know what I would have done. What any of us would have done.' Another pause, then, 'I love you mom.'

'I love you too sweetie,' she answered, her eyes brimming, somewhere inside this almost-man was her little boy and he loved her. That was all she ever wanted.

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The Review…an episode of the O.C. coming soon!

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