Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. How does being a Deatheater affect his life?

Warnings: Slash. This means male sexual relationships. If you don't like it read something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Day 1 after joining Lord Voldemort's ranks

Am officially a Deatheater. Woot! Have freaky tattoo (was v. painful. Must remember to clean with TCP twice a day. Fear infection may set in and will have to cut off beautiful wrist. Will severely hinder potion making, including making of potion for Black.).

Lord Voldemort acting v. strangely. Does not seem inclined to leap in bed. Do not understand why as have gone through all silly initiation rituals. Have solemnly promised to rape (hell yeah!), pillage, murder and burn on command. Hope will be pointed in Black's direction and given the order. Will make do with Potter if have to – absence makes heart grow fonder and am missing dorky glasses.

All Deatheaters are v. uptight. Don't fancy shagging Rudolphus as Bellatrix is v. handy with a wand (in a bad way). Am not a fan of pain.

Lucius being difficult – keeps talking about son and wife. Honestly. Not like I am proposing to shag them. Just want him all alone in bed. Can't understand possessive females – surely she can lend him to me for one night? What is the point of scary ladies? Need gorgeous male cousin, preferably in love with moi. Will make everything better again. Failing that, will settle for Black.

All other male Deatheaters distinctly icky. Feel would be taking life in hands going to bed with Craabe or Goyle. Danger of being squashed. Rookwood has nasty facial problems. Macnair too freaky for comfort. Likes crooning over hippogriffs and stroking their necks. Do not fancy becoming hippogriff animagus just to have neck stroked.

Am v. bored. No one worthy of me here. Fear I have made wrong choice, and am on wrong side. Perhaps can live with Dumbledore's sock fetish after all. Will try sleeping with socks on tonight.

Day 2

Woke up screaming, believing feet to be horribly deformed. Could not move toes freely. Ripped off and burned socks. Can not live with sock fetish.

Day 3

Bored. Am not 'important' enough to meet other Deatheaters. Still no progress with Lord Voldemort as regards bed or love potions. Feel maybe they might not be his forte. He is somewhat better at destruction, death etc. Do not want to poison Black.

Wrist aches.

Day 4

Could perhaps poison Black then offer antidote on condition he sleep with me.

Day 5

He'd probably die anyway just to spite me. Stupid, stubborn Gryffindor.

Wrist alarmingly puffy.

Day 6

Have murdered, pillaged and burned. Was not asked to rape. Am v. bummed. Tried on Bellatrix's dresses to cheer self up. Found nifty little black number with purple ribbons at back of cupboard. Think it suits me v. well, so stole it.

Day 7

Bellatrix in filthy mood. Heard from Rudolphus she has already fried four House Elves and refuses to sleep with him. Have no idea why she is so upset. Perhaps should offer casual, feel better sex?

Day 8

Rejected by Bellatrix. Told by Lord Voldemort 'hell will freeze over' before he sleeps with me. Fear am on a loser.

Also wrist now size of football. TCP obviously not working. Will go to Dumbledore and promise eternal allegiance and spying skills in exchange for fixing wrist.

Day 9

Told Dumbledore would follow him to hell and back in exchange for wrist-healing-salve. Dumbledore v. pleased to see me – believed I had gone evil for good. Am sure he was v. bummed at the thought of never being able to sleep with me. Must watch out as still not comfortable with sock fetish idea.

Day 10

Saw Black today. Looks all miserable and mopey because friend Potter is in danger. More like he's in danger of losing fun boy toy. Will soon fix this.

Day 11

Dumbledore suggested I try out for position of Potions Master. Do not think I could stand all the learning and planning for lessons. Sounds like too much work.

Wrist looking slightly better. Oozing less.

Day 12

Dumbledore mentioned Potions Master would teach students. Have changed mind entirely. Can not wait to offer fatherly advice and comfort to distraught 15 year olds. Must engineer many break ups between students so more will be single. Will be more opportunities for me.

Interview in three days time.

Day 13

Went back to Voldemort to check if I missed anything. Bellatrix still in towering temper. Says she will 'barbecue the bastard'. Am at a loss to know what could have got her knickers in such a twist.

Tried on black dress again. Still suits me v. well. Wonder if Black would like it on me?

Interview in two days time.