Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. His telling Lord Voldemort the prophecy about Harry led to the death of Harry's parents. I'm sure Snape had a good reason to act as he did.

Warnings: Slash. This means male sexual relationships. If you don't like it read something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Day 14

Spent most of today in black dress for comfort. Fear am getting too attached to it. Danger of stretching it out of shape.

Am brushing up on potions skills. Whilst am naturally talented and brilliant, want to be certain of securing job. Have no intention of losing it to pleb like Lupin, who will probably be suffering from me withdrawal. Must protect all lovely Hogwarts boys and girls from his advances.

Wrist looking decidedly better. Am putting on shovel-loads of salve as a precaution. Can not let it get icky again. So not sexy. Will cause problems when I go after Black. Even strongest ever love potion would struggle to make it desirable.

Interview tomorrow.

Day 15

Interview day!

Decided against wearing black dress, as socks are more Dumbledore's thing. Wore grey fluffy pair prominently in attempt to convey willingness. Will do almost anything for job.

Have taken off socks. Will not wear them. Can not stand itchy toes. Will just have to rely on natural charm and sex appeal. And all studying done yesterday.

Waiting in Hog's Head. What's taking so long? Dumbledore says will call me when he wants to see me. Voldemort never makes you wait. Considering swapping sides again. On second thoughts, am running low on wrist salve. Will stick with Dumbledore.

Playing cat's cradle.

Carving initials on table.

Sooooo bored. How long does it take? Have decided to sneak up stairs and see what's causing hold up.

Damn! Kicked out by pushy barman. Would never have been caught eavesdropping at door (so tacky) except interesting things were going on inside. Woman speaking in weird breathy voice. Took a while to realise what she was saying – thought she had beaten me to shagging Dumbledore for a job. Made out words:

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark lord approaches…born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…

Then thrown out.

Confused.

Actually not bothered. Is it my fault previous interviewee is on drugs?

Waited twenty minutes. Pulled grey socks on again.

Sneaked in to see Dumbledore. Told off for eavesdropping. Two Hail Mary's later have job. V. pleased with self. Also have new pot of wrist salve. World is v. sparkly place.

Day 16

Am wearing black dress all day long in celebration. Sleeves definitely stretching.

Bored. No one to celebrate with. Walked in on Lucius. Was told 'no'. Went down on knees. Was told 'no'. Asked him if he'd talked to Black recently. Dodged curse. Went back to own room.

Am puzzled about how am going to get super-secret love potion from Voldemort. Dark Lord obviously not interested in carnal pleasures. Am at loss as to what else there is. May have to give up on Black dream.

No, never! Will find a way.

Day 17

Have had stroke of total genius. Will tell Dark Lord about drug woman's weird words. Dark Lord will believe it is important as words refer to him (he is v. self-centred, you see), and will be overflowing with gratitude. Will ask only for modest reward, i.e. super strength love potion. Am so clever, could hug self.

Bellatrix still throwing tantrums. Refuses to sleep with Rudolphus. Build up of sexual energy obviously unhealthy; she has started ransacking other people's wardrobes. Wonder if she too might be developing sock fetish? Have put lock on wardrobe as it contains top secret House Elf porn stash.

Dress definitely stretching. Sleeves nearly twice as long as originally were.

Day 18

Told Lord Voldemort about weird lady's words. Was surprised at how excited he got. Dark Lord started ranting about 'prophecies' and 'immortality here I come!'. Reminded him gently that reward was in order. Have been promised Headmaster post of Hogwarts when we rule.

Am totally devastated. What use Headmaster position? Headmasters not sexy (take note Dumbledore). Will never win Black at this rate. Can not even summon energy to wear black dress.

Day 19

Lord Voldemort talking about 'tonight being the night'. Have not a clue what he is wittering about. On plus side, was given 1,000 galleons and told not to spend it all at once by him. V. happy. Went shopping for matching boots to dress. Will try them on together tonight.

Damn, am looking good. If Black could see me now there would be no more battle. Am sad there is no one to appreciate the wonder that is me.

Bellatrix outside door threatening to come into room and trash wardrobe. Fobbed her off as have not yet moved porn. Told her was sleeping naked. She left v. fast – am almost insulted. Nothing to do but go to sleep naked. Wrist looking almost normal again.

Day 20

Was v. surprised when told the news. Dark Lord killed Potters last night. Or at least, dorky-glasses James Potter and boring mudblood wife. Then went after son. Mighty Dark Lord could not handle baby Potter in all his one-year-old glory. Spontaneously imploded. Baby Potter survived and whisked away to live with crappy relatives.

Am glad that have already secured place at Hogwarts. Switched sides in nick of time. Received letter from Dumbledore demanding to know if I told Dark Lord about prophecy. Am confused. Sent back: what prophecy? Am awaiting reply.

Bellatrix not only pissed off but now suicidal. Feel it would be better if she found a bridge and jumped off. Would not have to keep padlocks on wardrobe. Have mentioned mercies of Euthanasia to Rudolphus. Gave him large bottle of sleeping potion.

Can not see why everyone so upset. Voldemort was not even sleeping with any of us.

Have found super-duper plus side! Black now minus boy toy!!! Will give him due time to grieve (2 or 3 days) then make a move! May have a chance after all.