Rovilyn closed her notebook and turned the recorder off, the session over. A quick encryption, standard procedure for privacy, then she leaned back to her seat to watch. The woman that wore the usual small smile, amusement and waiting. The latter the only emotion that reached those blue eyes.
They've reached the impasse. That point where high walls stood and a gaping nothingness stretched before it. That point when Susan would no longer give her anything, or couldn't. Their most recent sessions were just going in circles.
No. Not just circles. A descent. A spiral down.
Whatever was behind those high walls required a level of trust and understanding that Rovi was still to earn.
"You're not sleeping well." Rovi started. Susan blinked and tilted her head. "You haven't stepped out of HQ for those night explorations of yours."
Another blink from Susan. A sigh.
"You haven't stepped out of Kingsman at all." Rovi made sure to emphasize that one word. "Are the missions becoming too much, Su? Or is it something else?"
She's aware that she's not strong enough to be Susan's pillar. She was sure she wasn't even in the running to be a candidate. Again, she's not strong enough. The woman carried too much and too far outside her scope of understanding to even be in the list.
That didn't mean she couldn't offer something, especially when Susan's approaching another break. One that they both knew was approaching.
One they both knew she's trying to run away from at some degree.
"If the missions are overwhelming, then I am the one lacking." Susan quirked a smile and fondness finally touched that blue gaze of hers. Contemplative silence followed for a few beats. A sigh held but never released.
Rovi waited.
"It's but a matter of a long list that needs to be done. A set of goals that needs to be achieved." Susan started ticking her fingers. "I need to catch up. I need to be updated. I need to be able to go beyond. I need to be back to who I was but also be more than that and more than who I am now."
"Which is?"
"The Queen."
Ah.
Rovi nodded, almost understanding, and pushed herself to her feet. She rounded her table and stood before Susan. "You talked a lot about what's needed to be done, but whatever do you want, Susan Pevensie?"
And this time, the silence stretched. It made Rovi wonder. Was Susan considering what she really wanted or a deflection that would work? Was she scaling down that want to something that could be fulfilled easily or to something that was—
"A hug."
—acceptable.
Rovi spread her arms open without hesitation and watched as Susan's face warped to surprise then gratefulness. Watched as exhaustion finally showed even for a flicker.
"Come. I was told I'm a really good hugger."
She hugged her for as long as she needed.
Something happened, Merlin finally decided to address the lingering restlessness in his body. Something happened, he told that part of his hyperaware mind that seemed to be in an overdrive. Something happened, he concluded to that part of his spine that stayed snapped straight.
His restlessness replied with a known truth. An instinctual preparation of the inevitable result, however unknown it could be.
Even staying put in his lab to work didn't help. Even with all its technology that could see and hear what's happening in HQ didn't help. The restlessness gnawed on him, demanding that he move. He appeased it with visits and meetings with the other departments when he could no longer stay put.
He paused his trek at the faint sound of thundering hooves. That had him moving to the closest window to see what was happening.
And there was Pevensie riding a horse at a breakneck speed. He watched as she took a sharp turn and another, maneuvering through obstacles that she only saw. After a few more sharp turns, the horse slowed from breakneck speeds and she let go of the reins.
The restlessness skyrocketed.
Oh. Of course it would be about her.
He should've realized it sooner. Why though? He went through his emotions and thoughts as he watched her. It wasn't a matter of loyalty with the Kingsman, he was sure and was slightly surprised about the revelation. He no longer doubted her to turn traitor the same way he did at the beginning.
She straightened her back and let her arms fall back, her steed maintaining steady speed.
It wasn't that, definitely.
She tilted her head back to the sky for a few moments, body tilting dangerously. She stayed like that for he knew not how long until she lurched forward with hands scrambling for the reins.
Merlin was already moving with a destination in mind.
Almost there. Susan released a deep breath as she murmured calm to the mare she rode. Almost there. The mare thumped the ground, knowing emotions she radiated. Unease and readiness to bolt.
Today was better than the previous ones. Another deep breath. Another pat and stroke on the mare's mane. The panic and doubt didn't settle in as fast as they usually did. She still grappled for the reins, yes, but she should be able to do all this riding without relying on the reins too much soon.
Almost there.
The progress she was making was almost close to what she had charted. A few more sessions and she would be back to acceptable state. One among many aspects. One among many to do's.
She could do it. She could do it.
"Thank you. You've been so patient with me." She felt spent but at least productive. At least. By the mane, she hadn't felt productive or getting anywhere in the past days. "You almost remind me of my old steed. She's a whole lot bitchier but she had just the right patience for me."
With a final pat she dismounted and swayed on her feet. Surprise, arms snapping out to balance. How long had she been riding?
"Pevensie." She felt a hand on her upper arm, bracing, while that one word sent a shudder down her spine. She took a few more breaths. In through her nose and out her mouth. She knew that voice. Almost every Kingsman she knew and was close to visited or joined her during her horse riding. Roxy had given her tips and full blown lessons. Harvey had watched her for a few minutes while they talked. Eggsy regaled her with knight stories that his mom told when he was much younger. Harry had asked when she started learning and all the details he could weasel out of her.
"Finished for today, Guiny?" She heard footsteps on the grass, knowing it was Moira, stable hand extraordinaire. She'd been the one overseeing her rides and had helped her from the moment she found her way in the stables. "G'day, Merlin."
"Yes." Susan straightened with a ready smile. It was small, she knew, but it would have to do. "I lost track of how long I was going about."
Moira grinned as she took the reins and started praising the mare with more pats. "Nothing new with you. I'm seriously wondering if one of these days you'll just come to me in the middle of the night to ask if you can give Ida a run."
Susan mirrored the grin. "Keep wondering."
"Though I have to inform you, because you asked me of this, mind you, that you are late for whatever scheduled event you have half an hour ago." Moira gave her a nod and because they've been through this time and again, led Ida back to the stables. "I'll take care of Ida for you this time."
Susan let the grin drop the moment Moira turned her back and immediately pulled up the plans for the rest of the day, adjustments already lining up.
She's done this before. A thousand times before.
"What was the scheduled event?" She snapped her head to look up at Merlin who was still holding her arm and was looking down at her.
Merlin.
Her planning came to a halt and the question was already past her lips. "Did something happen?"
He looked confused.
"A mission? Klaus? Lucian?" She already had a set of missions lined up for the next months, short term ones that wouldn't hinder her main one if something changed from their target's end. Merlin being here meant something came up, most likely.
The confusion cleared. "No."
She breathed out and carried on making adjusting her plans for the day. She still had time for the next in her to do list.
"What's the next event, Pevensie?" He squeezed her arm and she blinked, looking up again. Only to find him still looking down at her. His eyes are more green this time. Like forests trapped in glass. She blinked again.
"Testing the new sniper modification." She really should be going. The faster she went through these lists, the sooner she would get settled, get better adjusted, then...then...
She had to get going, but his hand was wrapped around her arm firmly.
"And then?"
And then, Susan found herself rambling her schedule for the day, thinking out loud on the adjustments she would need to make. She rarely followed these schedules strictly, given how she's already almost late for her next one. They were mainly for guide and structure. Always set up to have enough space to adjust and for changes. Always taking to mind all the possibilities she had the strength to think of.
There were few possibilities she could muster, these days. This should be as easy as breathing.
"Have ye eaten?"
Her mind screeched to a halt and her stomach took the time to give her a hunger pang that made her wince.
Those almost green eyes turned hard, the forests receding to give way to earth. His hand moved from her arm to her lower back. Pressed firmly and his fingers spread wide. A push.
"Come."
Another shudder ran down her spine as she followed, counting the seconds until he removed his touch from her. This was Merlin, after all.
He didn't let her go until they were back inside the mansion.
Susan Pevensie was breaking.
Merlin cursed himself at the realization. He should have noticed, been more vigilant. He brought to mind the missions she had in line, ones that he would personally oversee and then whatever she told him earlier that would come in between.
Her eyes were a touch too wide. Even now as he led her to the kitchen, they were faraway and unreachable. There were dark circles around those eyes as well.
"Horseback riding isn't part of yer training." He knew, he was her trainer and he had modified and scaled it up as she went for more missions. He also had long stopped the classroom setting lessons or trainings. At this point, her lessons and training were her missions. And because of it, he kept a close eye on her schedule and made sure she had ample time to rest and have time of her own. "Nor doing sniper modification tests."
Those were just two of the many things she mentioned when he asked about her plans for the day, and there were many. To do's that would bring her from one part of the HQ to another.
She blinked and her eyes were still a touch too wide. Her smile reminded him of when she told him she was fine. "It's more for personal improvement. It's not something I am unused to."
He motioned her to the counter stool before rolling his sleeves up and setting his cliptab to the side.
"Can I help?" She didn't sit, instead moving beside him and looking at his hands, then back to his face. Her braid over her shoulder and wisps sticking to her neck. Her hands held together against her abdomen.
Merlin nodded and soon they were maneuvering smoothly around each other in the kitchen making a simple meal.
"Have you eaten?" Pevensie was the one to ask then.
"Aye." And he wasn't lying at that. "I started setting an alarm when the text reminders stopped coming and Maugrim stopped delivering them. As cute as the latter was, I had the feeling I could just fix that part of my day proper."
"For how long now?"
He heard the teasing in her tone and looked at her. She was smiling as she peeled the potatoes, her head tilted to the side as she oft do.
"Not long enough to notice that ye've replaced my post."
Her smile crinkled the corners of her eyes. His unease didn't cease. "Hamlet kept quiet?"
"Don't wait for him to drag ye by the ear."
"If he could catch me. I'm not sequestered in an office."
He wanted to ask so many questions. The dark eyes. Her list of to do's. Why she's so determined. Why she's breaking. If she knew she was breaking. Why she's doing all of this in the first place.
"And if he doesn't ask you."
"Ask me?"
She nodded, moving to peeling another potato. "Hmm. You know where anyone in the Kingsman is, especially here in HQ."
"Ah."
The silence was stifling. He found himself waiting for the sound of scratching to fill it or any sound that's wrong. He needed her to fill the silence. He needed it now. "Tell me of yer Kingsman."
There was a pause and Merlin found himself asking any deity that would listen that she talk and not stop. He didn't care if they were lies, he just needed to know that she was grounded and there with him.
"There were no pets, though I understand what their use is for given what I know of your testing and training structure. I do not think I agree to how you judge worth through it." The chopping sound filled the silence in between, rhythmic. "I am not one to say that our training and testing regiment is agreeable to everyone, though."
"My Merlin was a young widower that loved his late wife with a force that could've moved mountains and conquered death if it was possible." Fondness seeped through her words. "He had a picture of his wife in his wallet that he always kept close to his heart and he always, always, found the time to talk about her. How she's an angel and she's a blessing. He never stopped even after she died. His words were never laced with bitterness or anger, but he did grieve. There were days where dark clouds hung over and around him as if he suffocated in it. We made sure to talk to him and also about his wife, made sure that we would be there while he realized once more how much love he had in his heart and how he was far, far from alone. He oft told me of how no man would ever deserve my love and that whoever I do love should consider themselves blessed."
She paused and offered to him all the chopped potatoes, then turned to wash the utensils they've used.
"August would've been a wonderful father if he decided. If he let himself love again. To someone that would love him just as fiercely. I hoped he found happiness in some way."
She chuckled suddenly, making him look at her and gauge her expression. Her gaze was faraway reminiscing. Eyes soft, which was something he found he preferred over the touch too wide of before.
"My Arthur, Timothy, was one great negotiator and I say that having met many negotiators and being sister to two of the best. He was shrewd and wouldn't back down of any situation if he could negotiate a satisfying compromise from it. Oh, he was also one absolute rascal and I adored him for it. Well, and the fact that he enabled my delight for bets. We always had a bet running and new ones stacking before the old ones even finished. And it could be the simplest of things. Someone would just say something and he would get this absolutely mischievous look in his eyes and he would purposefully seek to meet my gaze. Then, the game's on. August would always know when that happened and he would always just sigh in feigned disappointment."
"Would you be joining me?" She turned and met his gaze. It took him a few moments to understand that it was a question for him. Her teeth pressed down her plump lower lip for a moment. "Since you already ate."
"Aye." He wouldn't tell her yet that he had planned to join her from this point onward for the day. Furthermore, he wouldn't tell her at all that he had planned to accompany her as much as he could the following days to make sure that there wouldn't be a repeat of the last time. "What more of yer Arthur?"
She looked back down to her hands, the knife she was washing almost glinting menacingly. Fear crawled up Merlin's back and with it a different set of anxieties.
"We are very similar, and I think that's the reason we understood each other very well." Then, in an act that Merlin would make sure Pevensie would pay tenfold sometime in the future, she flipped the knife in her hold, blade up, and just rested the meat of her palm on it. His instincts screamed and his heart twisted. "You know how people are willing to die for those they love?"
"Hm." Merlin's slightly regretting the decision to make her talk, but also, he was hanging on every word. Because this was more. More than the Kingsman reports that she had provided. More than any of the teasing of her past that she had given. More than during those early days of Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter and graves.
"We are the ones that are willing to kill and destroy for those we love. Dying would always be the last thing we even consider." And as if she didn't just do whatever she did, the knife blade flipped back down, her hand wrapped around the handle as proper. "It's ever amusing because we almost balance each other out, but when we are of the same mind, we are a headache to everyone else."
The last word faded to silence and no more words were exchanged while she finished the washing and he finished the cooking. It was only when they were sitting by the counter, a stool in between them, that the conversation continued.
"Changing clothes before ye go down to the kids, I assume." Merlin, looking at her over the potato he had stabbed with his fork.
"Hmm." Pevensie, nodding while a spoon was still in her mouth. A pop when she pulled it out. "Why?"
"I'll wait on ye. I was on my way down either way. Do you mind?"
She chuckled and met his gaze with a raised brow. "Are you going to wait by the hallway like last time?"
He scoffed. "Are ye seriously going to relegate yer Wizard to the hallway?"
"I'll try to be very, very, quick."
"Not even by the door frame. Rude."
"I will consider."
Silence. Merlin tried his best to actually calm the restlessness when the unease stepped down a notch. He couldn't because the tension stayed high.
"How about the rest of the day?" Pevensie, looking forward with a slight furrow on her brows.
"Hmm?"
"Would you be tagging along for the rest of the day?"
"Would ye continue to stretch yourself thin?"
"I'm fine."
"No, ye'r—"
"I'm fine with you tagging along." Pevensie dropped her hands to her lap and turned to fully face him. "To be quite honest, I more than appreciate it."
Merlin gripped the fork in his hand tight and closed his other hand to a white knuckled fist. He could feel his jaw tightening and if he was a not a Kingsman, he would be grinding his teeth loud. She didn't answer his question with words, but it was finally obvious in her a touch too wide eyes.
She knew.
She knew that she was stretching herself too thin. She knew that she's on the verge of breaking or snapping. No, not those terms. Shattering. She knew and unlike the last time, she's trying to do something about it.
And this woman, who had claimed her entry to the Kingsman with surprise, who had weaved her way through the web that was their people through charm, who had smiled and teased and raised her eyebrow to prove her abilities, was afraid. And of all the people in the Kingsman, it was him that's witnessing this.
Him.
Him who held the greatest power to break and destroy her.
"Ye wouldn't be getting rid of me, then."
There was a point in every person when they're needed or pushed enough that they became a force of nature. The threshold would differ for each person, the reason would ever vary and the delivery would depend on personality. Even the state of being a force of nature was a matter of levels with its own factors and deliveries. There's a common ground of determination when one knew how to look, though.
Seeing Pevensie in such a state, with her determination quite clear for Merlin to see, was quite worrying, fascinating and amusing.
Worrying, because he couldn't quite figure out if she was chasing something or fleeing from something or both. And what that something was or were. Her schedule was packed and she went about it with an almost single-minded focus that ignored everything else. The past? The future? Memories? Those nightmares that were worse than their own as Rovi had alluded to? All of these and more?
Fascinating, because of how she worked her way to get what she wanted. The steel that was often hidden by her warm charm, a weapon she usually wielded as a subtlety, was more obvious and more straightforward.
Amusing, because even in all their walking from one part of the HQ to another, from one end to another end, it was consistent that it was a struggle to deny her. Whether it be answers, favors, or even previously unshared personal stories, they were given freely and she accepted them all. Pevensie easily gauging how much she could push also helped.
Pevensie didn't even try to get rid of him, not even as a tease. They spent their time in either relatively comfortable silence or talking about work or talking about the departments their visiting. Those things, and walking back to the kitchen for meals and snacks before either of them forget about it.
It was only after their really late dinner when she finally announced, and he agreed based on his memory of her schedule, that it was fulfilled and she would be off to bed.
"Of course, she's not off to bed." Merlin muttered as he pushed his fist into his pocket and he gripped the heels she forgot that first mission of hers that he had forgotten continuously to return. He rolled his head around and sighed when he heard the cracks. Did it relax him? No. He was already bracing himself to be welcomed by a Susan Pevensie amid her shattering and all the while his heart twisted and tried to get out of his ribs.
It's—Merlin looked down at his watch and gritted his teeth—nearing two AM and she's in their dance studio.
He took a deep breath then pushed the door open as quietly as he could.
Almost darkness welcomed him. All the lights were turned off and if it wasn't for the balcony doors being wide open and letting the moonlight in, anyone would've mistaken that the room was unoccupied. It wasn't.
There she was, lying on her back on the floor, parallel to the balcony doors and just shy away the moonlight's touch. She looked so still.
Everything looked so still. Was she already asleep?
Merlin toed his shoes off and with her heels, he set them down by the door. Then, he employed all the physical stealth training that he had just to reach her side in silence. Both fists in both pockets.
She opened her eyes seven seconds after he reached her side. Her lips barely curled to a tired smile as she whispered. "Good eve, Merlin."
"Ye'r not fine." He whispered back.
The barely became a sure tired smile. "…Will you sit with me, Merlin?"
He felt his lips twitch even with how concerning the situation was. "Ye'r not sitting."
Her smile widened just enough to crinkle the corners of her eyes. "Please? Will you, Merlin?"
"Aye." He crouched slowly, feeling his own tired body creaking and straining. The activities of the day and those before finally weighing on his being. He folded his legs together and let his back curve forward. A heavy breath slipped past his lips as he clasped his hands together. These too early mornings were a favorite of his after all, especially when it's this clear. "I'll sit with ye."
"…Thank you."
Merlin found himself breathless at the warmth that suffused her voice, clear.
"Thank you." She whispered again, an exhale as the punctuation.
Once more he's hit with the moving realization that she's real, but this time it was quickly followed by a fear that choked him, she might just fade away and disappear. "Don't disappear."
Her eyes snapped back open. Surprise. Confusion. Then, a surrender to inevitability.
"I won't let ye." That look of hers riled a fury in him that he rarely felt. Words rushed to crowd his mouth to fulfill the need to cement that what he was saying was an absolute. An absolute and unchangeable truth. He wasn't even sure of the how or the why or the details surrounding such fear, but it's there. "I won't let ye."
He expected a patronizing look. He expected a dismissal in a form of a smile. He expected amusement as her deflection.
Instead, he saw her hand rise and felt her fingers smoothing the crease between his brows. Her fingers, chilled, then her eyes dim when she finally pulled back her touch. "I can only promise to try."
Merlin felt his stomach drop and he was sure it showed in some way, especially with how she reacted to it.
"That's—" She turned to her side, her back to the balcony doors, and held onto the hem of his pants with just the tips of her thumb and forefinger . Her gaze trained to that gesture. "That's all we could ever do, Merlin."
He didn't know what happened.
He wasn't even sure it was happening.
He didn't know why.
But.
He couldn't lose her.
"Susan." He waited until she met his gaze. "Let me help ye."