MAY 9th, 2015

SAI-KURU BASE OF OPERATIONS, MATSUYAMA

12:56pm:

Shinji watched as the electric fan beside his bed blew air around the room, in an attempt to cool the tent down from Japan's horrid year-round summer. The blades kept on spinning and spinning, the simplicity of its movement alleviating very little of Shinji's boredom. But, it was better than nothing.

2 weeks had passed since SEELE's widespread ambushes, and things had strangely stagnated. Eagle Company was no more, at least for the time being. Everyone in Unit-01 was back to dealing with just their peers.

Shinji had been laying in his bunk for about an hour now, just staring at the fan's spinning blades. The wind produced from it wasn't even hitting him, as sweat still trickled down his face like it always did for many in the region of Japan. He just needed something to stare at to take his mind off of things, most especially himself.

He was currently inside his unit's designated structure tent, said unit being stationed at Sai-Kuru Base Camp in the most secured section of Matsuyama. The camp itself was established in a public park within the city, since the trees provided good cover and there were no skyscrapers overwhelming that particular block. And, being the most secured sector of the city, they didn't have to worry about an attack. This was where troops could rest well, knowing they wouldn't be facing any immediate danger for the time being.

In the tent, there was only Shinji and Kensuke, the latter reading manga to kill time.

Neither of them had ever been inclined to go outside much, each for a different reason. Kensuke was an indoor person because he was more dorky than others, something he was very open about and didn't care much of what others thought about it.

Shinji was too used to staying indoors, as he always felt safer when he did. Years of not forming friendships and isolating himself had made him this way.

The boys of the unit had a tent to themselves, as did the girls. The separation was seen as necessary by the higher-ups, who did not want to risk putting a bunch of hormonal teenagers of the opposite sex in the same tent as to avoid certain... scenarios.

The peace was certainly a sigh of relief for the units and companies on standby there. What they didn't realize was the extremely depressing boredom that came with being stationed there for that long. For Unit-01, it was even more frustrating because they were used to being sent home if they didn't have any patrols to be on or platoons of Angels to fend off.

It was a break that was most unnerving. They knew the reason they were still there was only because the Marduk Institute, a NERV department responsible for selecting the young troops needed for this war, was taking an unusually long time to select two replacement troops for Unit-01.

And so the unit waited for the 2 replacements to arrive, since they didn't have the maximum amount of troops in their platoon to be sent out on any kind of mission.

'I wonder what those new recruits will be like. Would they have a hard time fitting in?' Shinji mused. 'Wait, no... they'd probably be more emotionally prepared for this than I've ever been. I'm the weak one here.'

"Y'know, we have a TV over at the R&R tent." Said Kensuke, finally breaking the silence that had stood between the two of them.

Kensuke finished the volume he had been reading, and turned his attention to Shinji who had lay in the same position in the past hour. Shinji turned around to acknowledge Kensuke's comment, but didn't say anything for the moment.

"Or keep looking at that fan, I guess. Though I'm not sure what it is that's so fascinating about it to you..." He added.

"I'm just bored. The fan is the only thing in here that's really doing anything... I mean neither of us were talking to each other anyway, so I was just watching it out of boredom." Explained Shinji.

"I mean yeah, of course. Still though, I can't believe you can just lay there for that long doing absolutely nothing at all. Even I was keeping myself busy by reading something, just to keep my mind occupied!" Kensuke admitted, thinking it was too depressing to do such a thing.

"Who said my mind wasn't occupied?" Shinji said to him. "I was relating the spinning of the blades to our current situation."

"How so?" Kensuke asked Shinji.

"It's just spinning. An endless cycle, the same thing over and over with no change or surprise. It's what these past 2 weeks have felt like. Start from point A to Z, only to get back to A again. Over and over, the same damn thing." He explained.

"Well would you rather have it be the other way? Where we're all out fighting those freaks of nature, risking life and limb for a country on it's last legs?" Kensuke asked him, having always chosen to see the positive side of things.

"Of course not, I'd rather be home." He said back. "This is the longest I've stayed out here, yet we're doing nothing. I get too into my thoughts when I have nothing to do. I'm okay with that at home, but not here. All I can think of is how shitty this situation is... how shitty my situation is."

"Hey man, you're not the only one going through this." Kensuke argued. "We're all here too. We're going through the same shit, man. We'd all rather be home just as much as you would, but that isn't the case. We have to take it like it is, Shinji. We can't get mad at things that are out of our control."

"Yeah, you're right and all... but it still doesn't feel very good when you're going through it." Said Shinji.

"Well then go do something, man! Go for a walk! Jerk off! Or talk to your girlfriend! I don't know, just do something!" Kensuke replied.

Shinji was mildly annoyed at his implication of a relationship with Rei, but he just didn't bother protest anymore. Neither Toji or Kensuke would stop anyway, since they had too much fun joking about it. He sighed.

"Yeah, you're right. I think I'll go for some fresh air, then." Shinji said as he stood up, leaving the tent shortly after.

As he walked outside, Shinji mused about the bizarre nature of humans.

'With everyone staying in the same tent, you'd think they'd get along just fine. Instead, they want to get away from each other as soon as possible.'

Everyone in Unit-01 had grown somewhat sick of each other. At first, the unit was under the impression that this indefinite break was going to be all fun and games. No battles to be fought, spending all the time in the world with friends, and a safe shelter amidst the chaos of the Matsuyama campaign. They turned out to be horribly mistaken.

And to add to the stress of an impending mission, they realized just how unbearable it was to never get a break from seeing the same people everyday. It was different in the battlefield, since the camaraderie came from the need to watch each others backs. Having the same enemy and being forced to protect one's peers had given them something bigger to worry about other than how often they all saw each other.

Without that, they were basically living with one another. It didn't take long for the tension to make friends drift from each other a bit, since they still wanted to be friends. Some friendships even ended between the unit's troops. At least at home, even if they went to school together every week, they would go back home and only have seen each other for a few hours in the day.

Shinji wondered what everyone else in the unit was up to, and if there was anything he could do to alleviate his boredom.

Toji was off spending his free time over at target practice, not wanting his sharpshooting to get rusty. Asuka was jogging around the entirety of the base to keep fit for the battlefield, crossing paths with Shinji every once in a while. Kensuke was still in the tent, probably starting a new volume in his manga or fantasizing about being a pilot for the JMSDF.

Shinji then thought about Rei, of course. The two had still seen each other every once in a while, but he noticed she was being more distant than usual. He thought it was kind of a shame, since the two had grown closer day by day before arriving at the Sai-Kuru base.

Even though he was honest with himself about his crush on her, he knew he wouldn't have the guts to ever ask her out or even admit to her how he felt. His fear of rejection was too great, and he would rather not do anything about it at all than face that pain.

As always, he thought this only confirmed his life's cycle of gaining and losing the good things in life.

1:12pm:

Rei sat on the floor cross-legged on the cracked pavement watching the helicopters and spinners come and go, but not really paying much attention to them at all. Often, she would just stare mindlessly at things like she had done in class, with no real thoughts in her head. These past 2 weeks had been very different.

She was never one to break, but she too was feeling stressed out like the rest of Unit-01 was. Of course, it was for a completely different reason. Her thoughts would not stop, no matter how hard she tried to shut them out. She kept her emotionless facade in tact, but her head was an echo chamber of uncertain thoughts.

'What is this I'm feeling?' She pondered. 'I do not understand why I feel so nervous around him now... he is my friend. I should not be feeling this way.'

She thought back to the hug she had given him the night before the SEELE ambush quite a lot. From an outsider's perspective, it was obviously a friendly gesture meant to comfort Shinji with his inner turmoil. Rei thought of it that way at too, at first. But over time, the memory of their hug only served to confuse her more and more.

She remembered the instinct that drove her to pull him into a hug, that warm feeling having been coupled along with it. By this point she had recognized that it was only Shinji that brought upon that feeling inside of her, but she didn't know exactly what it meant.

She wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing, since she was never taught about it by Gendo or Ritsuko. She never had much social interaction with her fellow troops or anyone else, either. That was, until Shinji somehow formed a friendship with her.

Rei looked back on life before Shinji had been a part of it, and she was getting some strangely uneasy feelings about it. No emotions, no friends, no real life. Just tests, a worn-down apartment, and war. In a way, her life was much easier when it was boring. But Shinji, he had stirred something within her that lightened her up as much as it troubled her.

She remembered how disinterested she was with him at first. He was just another part of the unit in her mind. Her feelings toward him changed once he saved her. Sure, she had been saved by her other peers before, but they were quick to get back into action. When the other troops saved her, it went without saying that they did it as part of their job. Shinji showed her genuine concern, though. It was the first time she had seen someone cry from the possibility of losing her, even though in her head she saw herself as perfectly replaceable.

And now, she felt a pull towards him. She felt this desire to be close to him whenever she was around him, and couldn't understand why that was. She was even worried for her mental health, since she felt no emotion quite this intense before.

The only other person she valued before Shinji was Gendo, but she never felt this way about even him. She knew Shinji was someone she liked and could trust, she was just not sure what exactly what she was going through. As a result, she distanced herself from him to try to collect her thoughts on him. She didn't know how to describe this problem to Shinji at all.

'Why is communication so difficult?' She wondered. 'Why did my desire to be close to him drive me away? I do not dislike him, he is my friend.'

That phrase had repeated quite a lot in her head.

'He is my friend.'

Rei sighed, feeling her body react to her emotions with great discomfort. She continued to gaze at the passing aircraft, wishing this moment to be just like her mindless gazes through the window in class 2-A.

No invasive thoughts, no worries. Just blank staring. But this was not the case. There she sat, trying as hard as she could to block the pain. Nothing was working, only leading to more frustration.

'What is making me feel this way?'

1:32pm:

The redheaded Lieutenant continued her jog, looking forward to her short break that would come in just a few minutes. She was quite tense in these 2 weeks. She was ready for action, wanting to go out there to annihilate those dreaded Angels. Her first few days over at Sai-Kuru base consisted of the usual hanging out with her friends, engaging in gossip as they normally would.

It didn't take long for her need to prove herself to everyone to arise. That, and her friend group grew sick of each other, just like everyone else in the unit. The only friend of hers she still talked to as frequently was Hikari, since they had been friends with each other for the longest.

With nothing to stimulate herself with, she took up jogging everyday and sometimes hit the gym too. Just something to keep her body busy, though she also did it so boys could ogle at her only for her to reject them or call them perverts.

Asuka had fun making others uncomfortable, all to make herself feel superior. It's why she was mean to Shinji so often, even though she had befriended him the night before the ambush. Her treatment of him had now softened to playful insults, though they still had their bite.

Though the two made their amends, she still found herself irritated by the boy regularly. One of the reasons she forgave him that day was in part because she didn't want to get in anymore trouble with her higher-ups, but there was another reason for her doing so.

Sure, his raging attack on her that threw her into a fit of panic really did scare her. But seeing him cry as he was forced to apologize to her by Hikari reminded Asuka of her younger self. Unlike Shinji, she was always quick to anger. And as one would imagine, she often got in trouble in her early school days.

She specifically remembered an instance where a female bully was picking on her for her bright red hair, though the bully didn't really mean anything by it. All she wanted to do was pick on someone, and unfortunately Asuka was her victim that time. She lashed out against the bully and was sent home, being forced to apologize the next day behind a fountain of tears.

Asuka hated thinking back on those days. Her grief from a devastating and extremely traumatizing loss was still fresh in her mind back then. In those days, she had found herself crying a lot. She decided right then and there that this instance would likely be the last. She would not cry, no matter what. Even if it was extremely difficult to hold the tears in, she would not break. Ever.

She thought back to what she had said to Shinji in the ugly aftermath of the ambush.

'We're not gonna cry over dead people! We're gonna drag our asses to save the ones who are in need of us! That's what we do in moments like these!'

Asuka decided it was finally time to take her break and slowed herself down to take a breather. She wasn't even that tired, but she also had a lot in her mind. Like Rei, she was conflicted by her thoughts on Shinji, albeit in a more aggressive manner.

'That idiot better have learned from what I told him. I can't keep babying him around...' She mused. She had been okay with him up until halfway through their first week there, then she too had gone too deeply into her own thoughts. Without the war to keep her mind off of it, she was having a hard time keeping her emotions on check again. She really didn't want to lose her position as Lieutenant.

'Why are emotions so fucking difficult?' Thought Asuka. 'It's not like I want to get angry at everyone! It just... happens! Ugh, what am I even going on about?'

Having spent all this time without action or being home, her thoughts jumped from one insecurity to another. She couldn't hold it in anymore.

She felt something heavy in her chest pull her down, like a ghost sensation. She knew it wasn't physical but rather emotional. Her instincts drove her to find someplace private, since she knew something was coming. She speed-walked over to the edge of the camp, where no one ever really hung out in or even passed by often.

Once she got there, she sat facing away from the center of the base to avoid anyone seeing her. Tears escaped her eyes as she tried calming down. She was not sniffling, however, not like the last time she cried. She could never show this side of her to anyone, not even her closest friends. She just let the water run down her straight face, needing to wash herself of the repressed sadness within her.

Asuka was reminded of the week she and Shinji stayed over at Misato's for their 'sync' together. That was the last time she cried, also in private as to save face. She never cried this frequently, and it infuriated her. The two were forced to live with each other, and even when things went well between the two, something managed to push them apart. It wasn't too dissimilar from her current situation.

They had grown closer than ever been before, but another push came from it.

KAJI'S APARTMENT, TOKYO-3

4:46pm:

Kaji blew the cigarette smoke he had just inhaled on his bed, looking up at the ceiling as he lay under the warmth of the blanket. It had been a while since he lay in his bed with no clothes on, the afterglow setting in more and more.

His body felt great but his mind did not, hence the cigarette. Kaji wasn't surprised by his recent realization, but he still found himself annoyed by it nonetheless.

"I wonder... of all forces in the world, why is the sexual one the strongest in the human?" Misato asked him, laying her head on his chest with one arm wrapped around his torso.

Kaji and Misato were at it again. At least, it seemed like that was the case at first. Kaji, as usual, didn't have much to do at NERV that day and was free as a bird to do whatever he pleased. Misato had less hours over at NERV HQ, since Unit-01 was not in action. Knowing this, Kaji rang her up to ask about a date. One thing lead to another, and they found themselves in his bed.

"Caveman instincts, perhaps. I suppose we're all just programmed that way." He answered.

"Programmed? We're not Angels, Kaji." Misato joked. "We're nothing like those brutes, at least."

"You sure about that? We created them to live their lives as slaves. If anything, we're the brutes for birthing them into such a cruel existence in the first place." Kaji stated.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Still, we have to do our job here. We have to wipe them off this earth to ensure our country's safety. Hell, the world's safety at this point." Misato said to him.

'The Angels aren't the real threat here, Misato.' Kaji thought. 'You and I are both helping the ones who seek to bring our world's end.'

"Though I always wondered why NERV couldn't just program them better. They were obedient at some point, weren't they? Just instill some harder programming and the problem should've been solved long before it spun out of control like it did." She said.

"Angels aren't androids Misato, you know that." Kaji explained. "They were given souls, and souls feel. They yearn for more, if exposed to the world and its many emotions."

"That was SEELE's department back in the early 2000s, right?" Misato asked him.

"Yeah, back when we weren't at war with them. Not like the world wasn't going through any wars, though..." He said back to her, remembering exactly where he lived and what his life was like in the beginning of the decade.

Misato could see that he was thinking back to his post-Impact days, and changed the subject quickly.

"Well, what about creating one without a soul? Why was that never considered?" She asked.

"The body is just a vessel for the soul. Without one, the body is as good as dead. Just a toy without its batteries. It's just not possible, the vessel needs to be conscious to be alive." He explained. "We humans work like that too."

Misato smiled, remembering their college days of doing exactly this. They'd make love, relax, then talk about whatever they wanted. Misato loved Kaji's deep talks about life, and especially his choice of words. He had a philosophy about it that just amazed her at every turn. She admired how deep he was, and remembered why she loved him so much in the first place. But this, she wasn't sure if what was happening between them at the moment was 'love'.

She definitely felt bad about that, since she knew Kaji was a person who attached himself to people.

It was this that was Kaji's realization. His hopes had gone up when Misato accepted his offer for a date, making him believe the two could work things out. But once they met up, Misato was quick to get trashed and kept hinting to Kaji that they should go to his home.

She wasn't there for him, she was there for his body. She needed to take her mind off of things, and so she wanted his body to do so. He wasn't pleased.

Kaji went for it anyway, since he figured a little fun wouldn't hurt anybody. It was only at the end of it all that he realized he probably shouldn't have done anything with her, for his feeling's sake. He didn't openly show his frustration, choosing to still keep the 'cool guy' mask on.

Misato rubbed his chest, her gesture of affection she hadn't done since they last dated. It was a simple gesture that Kaji was in love with, she knew it was his weakness back in college. She did it again, just for old time's sake.

But he wasn't feeling it.

"We should wash up soon, we both have important work to do." He said, not wanting to go for another round with her.

Misato received his message loud and clear, knowing he wasn't very happy with her at that moment. She knew what he was like when he was upset; quiet, straight-faced and somewhat dismissive. She couldn't help but feel guilty now, since she knew she had come here only for mindless fun and not to fix things.

She didn't mean it personally, but the damage had already been done.

All that time knowing each other, being so close to each other, in a way only opened up new doors to hurt each other. There was no hiding their emotions from each other, they could read one-another with ease at this point.

Kaji slid his boxers on and walked over to the kitchen to refill his cup of water. Misato sat up in Kaji's bed as she waited in the room, alone. It was only a few minutes, but those minutes felt like an eternity.

Over at the kitchen, Kaji placed his cup under the water nozzle on the door of his high-end fridge. He watched blankly as the water slowly rose to the top. The sound of the water pouring into the cup would normally relax him, but he had too much on his mind.

'This isn't love.' He thought. 'It's comfort-seeking. She isn't here for you, she's here to numb the pain.'

He took a sip of the water, but stood in the kitchen for a little while longer than he expected. He needed to be by himself for a few minutes. In the room, Misato wondered what was taking him so long.

'I don't like being alone in here. Why won't he come back?' Misato thought. 'But... I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. It's like I know him too well. Is that possible? To know someone too well, even though you swear you have feelings for them? Why does proximity feel like a push sometimes? Fuck, I shouldn't have bothered getting close to him again.'

She couldn't tell what she wanted anymore. She didn't even know what it was she wanted to have with Kaji.

'And yet, I hate being alone...'

SAI-KURU CAMP, MATSUYAMA

9:53pm:

Shinji made his way back to the boy's tent, having spent all this time either walking around the camp or spacing out in his bunk. 10pm was lights out for Unit-01, as ordered by Misato so the troops could keep a solid schedule out there. They knew teenagers had incredibly inconsistent sleeping hours, so they chose not to risk the inconsistency in case a nearby attack occurred. The soldiers would have to be sharp.

He wasn't even tired. For the past few nights, he had been up for hours when he was supposed to have been asleep already. He dreaded it, and couldn't wait to leave the camp with Unit-01.

'But it's either this, or war.' He thought. 'All this nothingness is driving me crazy... But it's better than almost dying everyday. Fuck, what do I even want anymore?'

As he continued to walk, he saw a person walking his direction with his peripheral vision and looked up to get out of their way. As he did, he saw that it was Rei he was passing by. He nearly froze in his place.

"Hi Rei." Shinji greeted a little awkwardly.

"Hello Shinji." She replied, the two now stopping to talk a little.

Dead air followed for a few seconds, neither of them knowing why they stopped their walking since they really didn't have anything to say to each other. Still, Shinji saw an opportunity to just talk to her and took it.

Rei felt that pull again. Her hands were a tad sweaty, and her stomach felt strange again. She couldn't think of anything to say to him, the strange sensations in her body and mind claiming control.

"How have you been?" He asked.

"I... do not know." She answered honestly. Shinji never expected an answer like that from her, but didn't know what to make of it. His anxiety was causing his mind to race, his extreme doubt and self-loathing placing all the blame on himself.

'There, she practically said it. She doesn't like you anymore.' He thought. 'She doesn't want to be around you, you clearly make her uncomfortable.'

"W-What's going on?" Asked Shinji in hopes of helping make her feel better.

"It's-" Rei began, pausing as she looked down while trying to explain her situation. "I'm unsure." She said, much to Shinji's disappointment.

'Stop trying, she doesn't want to be friends anymore. You found a way to fuck it up, somehow.'

"Look, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just know that I'm here for you, okay?" He said, feeling an extreme amount of rejection that wasn't even there.

Rei looked back up at him.

"Thank you Shinji." She said.

'She's thanking you for letting her get away from you.'

"I guess we should be on our way, then." He stated flatly.

Rei nodded.

"Yes, I suppose so." She replied.

Shinji then continued his walk over to his tent, as Rei did the same. As she began to leave, she knew he was hurting, and didn't want to leave things off so vaguely. She saw how down Shinji looked, and saw how disappointed he was in not talking with her for a little longer. She hadn't thought of it, but she might've let him down by avoiding him.

'Did I hurt him? Am I hurting Shinji?' She mused. 'No, I can't. I cannot hurt him. I need to say something.'

She stopped again, and turned around to face him.

"I hope you have a good night, Shinji." She said. "Please rest well."

Shinji turned around, looking surprised. He gave her a weak smile, but really appreciated her saying something.

"Thank you Rei, same goes to you." He replied.

Rei gave Shinji another one of her semi-smiles, causing Shinji to nearly blush. The two continued to make their way to their designated tents.

Though he enjoyed that little moment, Shinji was now completely unsure again as to how to feel. Just a minute ago, he was sure she didn't like him at all and wanted him gone. He was ready to accept that as fact. But she was nice enough to add a 'good night' and to wish him well. He couldn't tell whether these thoughts were irrational, or if they were the truth anymore. As he returned to the tent, he could only blame himself for being so irrationally afraid of rejection.

He thought talking to Rei would bring him some reassurance, but now he wasn't sure of anything at all.

'What's wrong with me?'