Someone Else's Prayer
By: afg
oOo
His blood seeped, warm and wet through the material of her fatigues. Sam's hand stroked Martouf's hair, soft and springy as it slipped through her fingers. The other woman kept flashing memories of other times when she'd done this, as he'd looked up at her smiling that sweet smile before rolling her under him and making her body sing. How she would complain when sand got in all those awkward little places.
She jumped as a gentle hand touched her shoulder.
"Sam, let him go now...come on...let go."
She looked up to see Daniel. Behind him stood two Tok'ra. She held on tighter to Martouf, they would take him and that would be it. The woman in her head wanted to hold on, to never let go. She felt Daniel's hand over hers as she clutched at the body.
"Sam, it's time let them take him home now." He took hold of her hand.
Didn't he understand that she was his home? "Daniel?"
"Yeah, Sam. Let his people take him." He looked down at her with eyes that understood too well.
Sam nodded and laid Martouf's head down gently on the cold floor of the Gateroom. Daniel helped her stand and walked her away. She didn't turn to watch the Tok'ra pick up the body. She caught a glimpse of silver hair and concerned brown eyes and then Daniel took her to the elevators and down to his office where he sat her in a chair and placed a mug half filled of coffee in her cold hands.
"It wasn't your fault, Sam."
She nodded her head. It wasn't her fault. He had asked for her and she had done what he'd wanted. She tried very hard not to acknowledge the tiny part of her that hated him for that.
"What will they do with him?" She didn't know what funeral rites the Tok'ra had. Jolinar had not left that little snippet of information. Strange, because she saw so many of her people die.
"I'm not sure."
She could hear the lie. Daniel was a dreadful liar.
Cold washed over her. "They'll cut him open to study him, won't they?" She could almost see Anise, with her big eyes, eager to quench her scientific curiosity. She stood up suddenly. The mug slipping from her hands to smash on the floor, splashing coffee up her legs, adding to the collection of dark stains already there.
Daniel came to her then, his hands gripped her shoulders. "Sam, they have to. I'm sorry." He rubbed her arms. "I'm so sorry."
She knew he was expecting her to cry, but she wouldn't, she didn't dare. She was so afraid that if she did her voice would join that of the ghostly woman who keened in her head and she wouldn't be able to stop.
Daniel pulled her to him and held her, his hands smoothing gentle circles over her back. Her own arms went around his neck and she breathed him in. He smelled of warm wool and cheap aftershave. She suddenly realized that he was wearing his best suit. The thick wool weave felt so much like the tunic Martouf used to wear. Time and space slipped away and she was back on that desert moon watching the twin suns sink low over the horizon. Martouf's arms were wiry and strong around her waist and a warm wind caressed her bare shoulders. She kissed him, felt his body tense in surprise. Her hand cupped the back of his head touching the soft hair. Her other arm wrapped round his waist, feeling his warmth. His lips were soft as she pressed her mouth to his; he began to relax in her arms until her tongue ran over his lower lip in mute invitation to open, to let her in.
oOo
Daniel had watched Sam kill Martouf without hesitation. At that moment he'd finally understood the depth of the connection between Sam and Jolinar. The Tok'ra was dead yet an echo of her remained in Sam and she could not deny Martouf, no matter what it might cost her and Daniel knew it would cost his friend too much.
He'd watched her hold the dead Tok'ra in her arms. Feeling like the worst kind of voyeur as Sam had sat there so horribly exposed in her grief. He'd managed to get her to give up Martouf to the waiting Tok'ra. She'd swayed ever so slightly as he'd walked her out of the Gateroom. He'd looked at her eyes and seen the black of her pupils taking up the space where blue should have been. The combination of Janet's sedative cocktail and looming shock had made Sam a little clumsy and disassociated. She'd not seemed to notice Jack's aborted attempt to join them. Daniel had gently shaken his head at O'Neill as he'd started to move. Now was not the time. Jack had rocked back on his heels and put his hands in his pockets, his mouth a thin line of worry. Sam had been silent on the journey to his cramped office.
She'd not been stoned enough to miss his lie about what would happen with Martouf. Daniel tried to like Anise but sometimes she forgot the social niceties in her rush for scientific truth and her gleam of enthusiasm at the idea of dissecting Martouf in the interests of knowledge, had made him wince.
He'd meant to hold Sam, to give her a safe place to let go. She needed to cry and as much as she hated to succumb to such shows of emotion in front of her team, he didn't want to leave her alone.
Now, suddenly, her body was pressed tightly against his and she was kissing him and he had no idea how it had gone from that to this. He felt her tongue slide across his lips and felt something in him respond and he knew that this had to stop. He gently gripped her shoulders and pushed her away holding her at arms length.
"Sam, no. You don't want to do this."
The look on her face bordered on desperation and she pushed herself against him until the backs of his thighs hit the desk behind him. Her mouth latched on to his once more.
"No, stop." He took her face in his palms and rested his forehead against hers. "I'm not who you want Sam, I'm not. "
Sam was breathing hard and her eyes looked as though they were finding it difficult to focus. Daniel wondered if it was even Sam he was talking to.
"It hurts."
Her voice was a whisper but the pain it contained gave it a terrible weight.
"I know." He felt helpless.
"I...she'd loved him for centuries."
"They're together now Sam"
The force with which she pulled away from him, came as a surprise.
"Don't give me that shit."
He was even more surprised at the venom in her voice, he'd never heard Sam speak like that. "Sam?"
"You don't believe that anymore than I do. They're dead. They spent their whole lives fighting the damned Goa'uld. They sacrificed their own happiness and what did they get for it?"
"Sam..." He moved toward her.
"No! I don't want your damned platitudes." She put her hand out to stop his progress. "You live and then you die, Daniel and that's it. They never got a chance and now it's over." She took another step back from him, stumbling on piece of broken mug, her knees hitting the concrete floor with a dull thud. "It's over."
Daniel stood paralysed in the face of her despair. He didn't know how to help this woman. It was if her nerve endings were exposed and sparkling like pinprick stars. Sam stared at the floor her eyes red rimmed but dry."
He slowly knelt down next to her, ignoring the wet floor. "Sam, you and I have seen some incredible things. I don't believe it all ends when we die. I'm sort of keeping an open mind." He smiled gently at her. "I need to believe that in some way I'll see Sha're again."
She looked at him then, really looked at him. Her hand went to his face and she touched his lips with the pads of her fingers. "I'm sorry Daniel."
He wasn't sure if she was sorry for what she'd said or she was sorry that she believed it was true. He chose to believe the former. Because he'd meant it, he did think he would see his wife again. The thought that he might not was too much to bear. He took her hand in his, her long fingers feeling chilly in his warm grasp. She'd dropped her gaze back to the floor.
"Do you want to get up?" Daniel ducked his head to try and catch her eye.
"You were right." Sam squeezed his hand.
Daniel looked nonplussed. "Not that I'm not pleased, but right about what?"
"You once told me that I had never really been in love."
Now he was really confused, he couldn't ever imagine why he would say something like that to her. "I don't remember that, Sam."
She gave him a tight little smile. "Yes, well, you weren't exactly yourself at the time, but you were still right."
"Ooookay." He shrugged. "I take it you mean Jolinar and Martouf?"
She nodded. "Imagine being together for centuries, Daniel, and every decade that passes your bond grows stronger. Four beings joined together. Martouf and Jolinar, Rosha and Lantash." Sam's voice sounded very far away. "Even if the host body died they still transferred all their memories to the next host. All those people, Daniel, all that love...all that loss."
"And you've got half of those people in your head?"
Her body sagged in relief that he finally understood. "Oh, God, yes...I don't want it. It's too much. I can't...I don't know what to do, how to shut them up."
Daniel put his arms around her and she held on so tightly to him. "Then don't, Sam. Hear them. See what they've seen. Feel it and I promise it will get easier.
He felt her breath chuffing against his neck and then felt moisture on his skin, her tears soaking into the collar of his shirt. "It's okay Sam, let it go...just let it go."
They knelt like that for a long time, while Sam cried quietly. Occasionally Daniel could hear the tread of boots as they passed down the corridor outside his office, the hum of the air conditioning vibrating through the walls. The atmosphere in the small room had changed and it seemed as though a pall of sadness hung in the air like smog and Daniel could barely breathe for it.
oOo
Sam was so tired, she felt drained of everything but at last there was quiet in her head. Today she been laid open for everyone to see. First with the damn machine to which Anise had hooked her and Jack. The irony that they'd had to tell other people how they felt before they'd found the words to tell each other had been too cruel. Then Martouf, sweet, gentle Martouf. Her chest ached as she remembered pulling the trigger. A brief flash of Jonas popped into her head and she saw herself struggling to pull another trigger with rather less success. It seemed that, for her, love was always going to be accompanied by blood. Perhaps it was better that she and Jack remained as an abstract, a 'what if'.
Daniel had stayed with her through this little storm and she was more grateful than she could say. She softly kissed his cheek and rubbed his back then she pulled away and looked at him.
"Hey,"
"Hey, Sam. How're you feeling?"
"Tired but I'll be okay."
Daniel held her gaze for a long minute while he ascertained the truth of her words. "Okay."
"I think we'd better get up before we set." Sam sat back on her heels.
"Could we? I was beginning to empathize with Jack."
They helped each other up amid popping joints and pained groans.
Sam looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry about the mess." She bent down to pick up the broken shards of pottery.
"Leave it, Sam. I'll do it. You go and get some sleep, you look exhausted."
Sam nodded. "Thank you, Daniel."
"You're welcome." He looked at her sad eyes and put his hand on her shoulder. "Not everybody leaves."
She closed her eyes and her breath hitched at his words. "Sometimes it seems that way."
Daniel nodded and kissed her cheek. 'Sleep well, Sam."
He watched her leave and he shut the door quietly behind her. Resting his back against its solid surface. "Yeah, Sam. Sometimes it seems that way."
The end.