Neon Genesis Evangelion Chapter 42: Dreadfully Distinct, an evangelion fanfic

MAY 14th, 2015

NERV HQ, BASELINE TEST

8:35pm:

"Recite your baseline." Ritsuko ordered.

"In blood-black, nothingness began-" Rei stopped.

The word 'nothingness' struck her suddenly, for some reason reminding her of the core that absorbed Shinji just a few days ago.

"Stay focused, Ayanami! I have more important things to tend to." The doctor said impatiently, thinking back to her progress on Shinji's extraction.

"I'm sorry..." Said a nervous Rei before starting again. "-In blood-black, nothingness began to spin. A system of cells interlinked within cells interlinked within cells interlinked... within one stem. And dreadfully distinct. Against the dark, a tall white fountain played..."

"Cells." Said Ritsuko

"Cells." Replied Rei, her voice not carrying its usual monotonal timbre.

"Have you ever been in an institution? Cells."

"Cells."

"When you're not performing your duties, do they keep you in a little box? Cells."

The question reminded Rei of her home.

"Cells." She replied.

"Interlinked."

"What's it like to hold the hand of someone you love? Interlinked."

Her eyes twitched slightly as she hesitated to answer for just a few seconds. As Ritsuko continued studying Rei's reactions through her camera, she immediately caught on that she was struggling to answer; her hands clenched her dirtied school clothes as she swallowed nervously. The questions seemed to make her uncomfortable, which was never the case for Rei Ayanami.

"Interlinked." She finally said back.

"Within cells interlinked." Ritsuko said.

"Within cells interlinked."

"Dreadfully."

"Dreadfully." Rei replied with a hint of pain in her voice.

"What's it like to be filled with dread? Dreadfully." Recited Ritsuko.

The questions were really beginning to get to her now.

"Dreadfully." Rei said back.

"Do you like being separated from other people? Distinct."

She had left class abruptly that day for that very reason. The test wasn't supposed to go down like this, since Rei never thought twice about the lines she had been taught to recite back to Ritsuko. It was designed to check in on Rei's loyalty and to make sure she was still docile, but now she found herself questioning everything. The questions were feeling more like a personal attack now.

"Distinct." She finally let out.

"Dreadfully distinct."

Repeating that line hurt her.

"Dark."

"Within cells interlinked."

"Within one stem."

Rei sighed, feeling the anxiety overwhelm her.

"W-Within one stem."

"And dreadfully distinct."

"Against the dark-"

"-a tall white fountain played."

There were a few seconds of silence, as Rei realized just how badly she had failed this baseline test.

"-a tall white fountain played." She finished, sounding rather embarrassed about her lackluster performance during the test. Ritsuko's eyes narrowed as she closely studied the girl. She was way off, never having failed these tests before.

"You're not even close to baseline." Ritsuko said in a flat, yet aggressive tone.

RITSUKO'S OFFICE

8:42pm:

Ritsuko was still off archiving the results of Rei's recent baseline test. The anxious blue-haired teen knew her designated doctor would appear at the door any second now. All throughout the test, Ritsuko spoke to her in an extremely impatient and aggressive manner. Rei had never seen her look that angry before.

She sat on a chair, waiting for the inevitable scolding she'd receive once the doctor came through the door. It was frustrating, but she'd put up with it for now. The door burst open, a livid Ritsuko entering the office as she stared Rei down intensely.

"What the hell is with you?" She asked angrily. "I'm off working my bones to recover Commander Ikari's son, I really didn't need this little interruption of yours! You ditch school, and then we pick you up moping around in some dump?"

Rei winced as Ritsuko continued to raise her voice. She knew she had truly messed up for the first time in her life, never having gotten in trouble with any of her higher-ups.

"I'm sorry." She said with a slight shake in her voice.

"My scanner says you didn't look like you on the inside, miles off your baseline. What in the world happened to you?" Ritsuko asked. Rei lowered her head timidly, feeling very intimidated by Ritsuko's stare.

"You were way out of line for doing what you did, you know that right? Don't forget, Commander Ikari still has plans for you, Rei. Don't pull a stunt like that again, or he and I will have to start conditioning you to comply." Threatened Ritsuko, following it with an exasperated sigh. She then sat herself down next to Rei, having been ordered by the Commander to check on her physical state.

"Clothes, off." She ordered.

Rei did as she was told and began taking her clothes off. Once she was fully stripped, she folded the uniform neatly. Rei handed the clothes to Ritsuko, who disgusted by the filth that had built up on them.

"I'm probably going to have to throw these out, there's no way we're going to be able to wash those stains off. I'll give you something else to cover up with before you leave." She said. "Alright, I'm going to examine you now. Stay still, and try not to inconvenience me more than you already have..."

Rei continued to avoid the blonde woman's stare.

"Yes ma'am."

Ritsuko double-checked all the files she had filled out before securing them on her clipboard, having finished Rei's examination. The young girl was given hospital pajamas, waiting for a second uniform to be brought over for her by the staff.

The already stressed out doctor was getting ready to leave the room and resume her work on Shinji, but stopped as she opened the door, her hand still gripping the door knob.

"What were you doing over at those docks, Rei?" She asked before leaving the room. "What made you leave class without permission?"

Ritsuko was sure that Gendo was going to have a talk with her about it, but just needed to know before she was done with the blue-haired girl. Rei wondered if telling Ritsuko about her breakdown was a good idea at all, since it'd only make Gendo even more concerned. And though he'd be concerned, it was not out of care. His master plan was more important to him than Rei's emotions were.

"I... don't- I'm not sure how to-." She tried saying, thinking of some kind of excuse to give her.

"Your cheeks were stained, Rei. You were crying." Ritsuko said bluntly. There really was no hiding it. She didn't know how to explain her situation to Ritsuko, and she wasn't sure she actually wanted to.

"Not to mention you stressing out during your baseline, it really wasn't hard to piece it together." Added Ritsuko. "Why did you leave class, Rei?"

"I-I was... overwhelmed." Rei said quietly, feeling guilted by the doctor.

"By what?" Asked Ritsuko. "You've never had problems in school before, Rei. This is out of the ordinary, even for y-"

"I've been having visions." Rei suddenly blurted out. Ritsuko remained in the room and closed the door behind her.

"What do you mean 'visions'?"

"Images... they flash in my head sometimes. And I begin to feel very emotional when they come. It started happening last night, after the core rejected me." Explained Rei.

Ritsuko placed her clipboard down and pulled a notebook from her drawer, ripping a page off of it. She grabbed one of the pens she carried in her lab coat's front pocket and quickly wrote down what Rei had described.

"Interesting... what kind of images are they?" She asked. Rei thought deeply about that question, not really knowing how she should classify what the images invoked within her.

"They appear... abstract. I think, the first one I saw- was of a flat desert. There was someone in the middle, all alone. And- the color of the sky reminded me of L.C.L..." She recalled.

"That's all there was in the desert?" Ritsuko asked, to which Rei nodded back.

"Yes."

"What did these other visions look like?" She asked further.

The only other image she could make out from the barrage of visions she obtained from the core was that of Shinji lunging at Gendo. She wasn't sure if that one would be a good one to tell Ritsuko about. She didn't know why, but she felt she shouldn't bring it up.

"I... don't know. It was when the core rejected me that I felt some kind of attack, and multiple images ran through my mind in a second. I couldn't process them at the time, but they are slowly coming to me." Rei explained.

"So you're saying these images were the reason you broke down?" Ritsuko asked, almost in a mocking manner.

"Every time I had one, it brought on strong emotions. Emotions I'm... not used to." She said. "I didn't know what else to do."

Ritsuko finished jotting her notes down and added the title 'CORE SIDE EFFECTS' at the top of the page. She placed the pen back in her pocket and placed the paper on her clipboard, heading back to the door after.

"Glad you were able to be of some use today, Rei." She said before attempting to leave once more.

Her rude comment really got to Rei this time. It struck a nerve, the very thing she was losing faith in; a 'purpose' to serve. The phrase 'able to be of some use' hit Rei right in the chest, clearly only said to her to mock her some more.

'My hand, not yours...' She thought.

"Of some use... just as the Commander has for you?" She asked suddenly.

Ritsuko stopped in her tracks yet again, looking at her as her eye twitched.

She was slightly taken aback by Rei's comment, and anger began to build up inside her. Her crimson eyes no longer looked back soullessly at Ritsuko, there was actual emotion behind them. She was actually kind of scowling at her, only serving to make Ritsuko all the more angry. Rei of all people had actually talked back to her. She was ready to scold her once more, but realized she was only further delaying her work on saving Shinji.

"Commander Ikari says he needs to see you. Now, be a good girl and report to his office." She said coldly, to which Rei nodded in response.

As she finally left, Rei took a few minutes to leave the office herself before going to see Gendo.

'He's the one I wish to see the least.' She thought.

NERV HQ, GENDO'S OFFICE

9:19pm:

"I am not happy, Rei. Not happy." The Commander himself said sternly. "I have never come to expect such a childish antic from you, so this is rather alarming. Clearly something has brought forth this kind of concerning behavior."

Rei sat on the chair opposite his desk, listening as he seemed to carry on where Ritsuko left off on the scolding.

"What's gotten into you?" He asked irritatedly.

She didn't know what to say, partly because she wasn't really sure of what made her this way so suddenly, and because she really didn't feel comfortable talking about it to him. Especially now, since her view on the Commander was changing quite drastically. Rei remained quiet, not sure if she even wanted to respond to him.

"I asked you a question, Rei." Gendo said, a little more aggravated this time.

Rei had never seen him so upset at her, again feeling a new sensation brewing inside her from being put in this position; this time being impatience. All she could think of was leaving the place, and going back home to sleep this horrible day away. She looked the other way, now avoiding his stare.

"Look at me." He demanded. She didn't comply, still refusing to look back at him. "Rei, look at-"

"I won't run away again." She interrupted.

"What?" Asked the Commander.

"I'm letting you know that you should not worry about such a thing happening again, Commander." Rei elaborated.

"That's not what I asked." He said, growing more impatient now.

The fact that Rei was not only acting off, but giving him some sort of attitude was really beginning to get to him. He knew now that whatever caused her to act this way, while still important enough for him to want to know about, was almost irrelevant at this point. She was beginning to push him back, and that frustrated him. He frowned.

"Why are you refusing to answer?"

"Because I do not feel comfortable answering your question." Rei said earnestly.

"Comfortable?" He asked, bewildered by her statement. "This is not about you feeling 'comfortable' enough to answer me, Rei. I am your Commander, and I demand that you explain your actions."

She went quiet again, further unnerving Gendo. Rei was really pushing her luck with him, but she was not giving it any thought. No worry ran through her mind, just honesty. The more she kept from him, the more free she felt. And for her, that was a first.

"Dr. Akagi has already filled me in on your baseline tonight. Your emotions are becoming too unstable for you to manage, and I cannot have that hinder your loyalty to NERV. Just last night, you left without me having dismissed you. It is the very reason why I decided to schedule a baseline test for you today. From the looks of it, it is only getting worse. So tell me now, so that Dr. Akagi and I can prevent this from worsening; what is causing all of this?" The Commander asked one more time.

But Rei wouldn't back down, and chose to stand her ground.

"I'm sorry, but I will not answer your question. That is my decision."

She was weary of the Commander's growing irritation, making her more eager to get out of there. This wasn't the Commander she used to know, this was someone else entirely. Though how much of it was her changing perception of him, or the true Gendo coming out, she couldn't tell. Rei just knew she could no longer go through with this.

Gendo stood up, now trying to assert dominance over her.

"You do not want to go down this path, Rei. I am warning you now, you will regret it." He began. "This rebellious attitude of yours is only getting in the way of your one true purpose; the promised time. Do not interfere with my plans, because you are still needed for them."

She finally looked back at him, the word 'needed' catching her attention. Gendo thought he had finally gotten through to her, not realizing he was dead wrong.

"Rei, I still need you. This is bigger than-"

"Shinji needed you." She interrupted again.

Silence struck the vast office. He was in awe as Rei stared at him coldly, feeling for the first time a raw emotion coming from her. This was not the Rei he used to know. Her mention of Shinji had set something off in him, causing a memory from long ago to stir up in his head.

"Shinji needs you."

Long ago indeed.

Rei said nothing as she stood from her chair and walked to the elevator. She assumed what she had said had really stunned him, since he didn't do anything to stop her from leaving. Nonetheless, she saw it as a good thing. He just wasn't cutting it for her anymore. Even last night, when she felt strange about the Commander's touch of her face, it was only a strange sensation for her. But now she felt a complete detachment from him, and she still didn't really know why.

Her heart had gone somewhere else, having already left the cold and lifeless hands of Gendo.

She awaited the lift to reach her floor, wanting to wall herself off from being around him any longer. Rei herself was surprised at the fact that she was acting the way she just did towards the Commander, since until not too long ago, he was her everything. The only one she really cared for, and him the only one she felt cared for her.

But that was no more, and a void began to take his place. She didn't know what to think of anything anymore, and was actually looking forward to a long sleep tonight.

Back in Gendo's office, he stood frozen in place as he heard the elevator doors open and close in the distance. She was gone, having left him all alone in there. For the first time in a while, he felt as if he was actually putting up with a challenge. He couldn't remember when he had last struggled with something, having gone through many years of devising solutions to NERV's or even his own problems. But this was different, this was completely unforeseen.

Rei was beginning to discover a sense of self, he knew that much was true. And he knew that this was what caused her to break down the way she did. His tool was beginning to slip out of his hands. Not only that, but the memory Rei managed to unbury within him had made him see an apparition in her.

He sat back down on his chair, once again looking at his picture frame.

'It was... you, for a second.' He mused.

GENETICS POD LABORATORY

9:23pm:

Misato rested her back on one of the many supersized computers attached to the walls of the control room. The place was still a mess; cables, loose paper, and a multitude of laptops with what looked like binary gobbledygook on their screens. At least, that's how Misato thought of it.

She had seen a scientist stumble over one of the many cables at least three times now, further adding to the chaos of the room.

It had been about 4 days since Shinji's disappearance, and still there were no signs of any progress, at least for now. She had asked Ritsuko for an estimate on how long the whole process would take. She was told that there was no way they'd know until they worked with the Magi and actually started the process of reconstructing his body from the L.C.L.

The stress was too much, and Misato had to resort to an indulgence that she hadn't touched in a little while, looking down at one of the workers sitting on the floor with their laptop rested on their crossed legs.

"Hey, mind if I bum a smoke?" She asked.

The worker nodded, as if absentmindedly. He opened the pack and presented it to her, letting her take one of the cigarettes inside. Judging by the small amount left inside, it was a question he hadn't heard enough of in the past days.

She was also passed a lighter, and finally the stick was lit and the smoke was inhaled. It felt awful on the throat, but it sure calmed her nerves just a little.

'Why do the bad things in life have to feel the best?' Misato pondered as she blew the smoke from her lungs.

As she continued to take drags from the cancerous stick, she observed all the scientists hard at work. Surprisingly, Shigeru had appeared, which threw Misato off because she knew science wasn't his department.

"Good evening, Major Katsuragi." He greeted. "I'm looking for Lieutenant Ibuki, last I heard she was here working on the extraction."

Misato pointed at a corner in the room, right by the giant glass panes that allowed them to observe the genetics pod and the bridge that led to it above the giant pool of L.C.L.

"Sleeping beauty herself." She joked.

Shigeru immediately went to check in on her, and sure enough Maya was fast asleep in her sleeping bag, exhausted from all her work that day. He knelt down to her level and shook her shoulder, causing her to shake about until she was fully awake. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Good, you're not dead." Said Shigeru. Maya groaned, still tired from only about 3 hours of sleep.

"What's going on?" She asked groggily.

"Dr. Akagi has another task for you, over at the Magi. Something about a power-up procedure regarding some 'battery cells', or something." He explained, not really sure what it was he was talking about.

"Battery cells 1 through 3? Yeah, what about them?" She asked, immediately catching on to what Ritsuko was talking about. Shigeru rolled his eyes.

"Well whatever they are, she wants you to report to the Command Center while she takes care of business here. She left you some paperwork there. She should be back here any minute now."

"Where did she go?" Asked Maya, having seen Ritsuko hard at work in the control room before she fell asleep.

"She ran a baseline on Ayanami. Anyway, get on it because she does not seem to be in the best of moods." Shigeru said, standing back up on his feet. "Come on, get some coffee if you need that kick. Makoto and I will be at the Command Center."

Maya nodded as she yawned and rubbed her eyes.

Shigeru then left the control room, having nothing left to do there. Misato had watched their little interaction, wondering what it was like to be in charge of so many things at HQ like the bridge bunnies were. All she did was command Unit-01's battles, and after that she was done.

She heard the door open once more, Ritsuko walking through it this time. Misato was about to greet her, but noticed that her friend looked like a ticking time bomb about to go off.

'It seems the test didn't go well...' She mused.

As Ritsuko sat, Misato approached with caution, as if she was nearing a wild predator. As per usual, the head scientist of NERV had a new pack of cigarettes with her, having burned through a pack in less than a day. Misato would normally comment on this unhealthy addiction of hers, but couldn't say anything due to the lit cigarette in her mouth.

"Um, are you alright Ritsu-"

"What?" Her friend asked rather rudely, catching everyone's attention.

"Say no more..." Misato replied in annoyance.

"Ugh, my apologies Misato. I am just... so fucking stressed. I'm running back and forth in this endless maze of an HQ, Commander Ikari himself is running short on patience, and Rei is making this day a royal pain in the ass!" Vented the doctor, already having taken multiple drags from her cigarette.

"Yeah... what's all that about? She's been off lately... It isn't at all like Rei to go off the grid like that, is she doing okay?" The Major asked with concern.

"Fuck if I know." Said Ritsuko as she shook off the excess ash on the end of her smoke. "She was more than just 'off' today, it's like she's a completely different person. Something happened to her today and she refuses to talk about it to me or the Commander."

"Woah-" Misato began, almost dropping her smoke. "-not even the Commander?" Ritsuko shook her head.

"After her baseline, I was doing a medical checkup to make sure she didn't catch a cold out in the rain. Her cheeks were stained. But not with rain water, Misato." She said. "Tears. Rei was crying at some point."

And immediately, Misato knew what this was all about. She had taken the duty to check in on her since she knew Rei was deeply upset by Shinji's coma, and then his disappearance. But she didn't expect her to cry, she had always seen Rei as strangely stoic for her age. But it turned out her pain was much deeper than she had previously thought.

"Whatever it is that's causing this emotional brew-up in her, we need to put a stop to it." Ritsuko added.

"Oh come on, Rits. Can't the girl just feel her emotions? If anything, it's probably healthier than it is bottling all those things up!" Misato reasoned. "She's a teenager anyway. Though it is a pretty late for her to finally feel these things out, for her age it sounds all too normal to me."

Ritsuko scoffed.

"Not if you're Rei Ayanami."

Misato said nothing as Ritsuko continued her work. There really was no sympathy in that woman, at least regarding Rei. She felt like she didn't need to say anything to her anymore, and ashed her cigarette in Ritsuko's tray. Misato turned around and left the control room, Ritsuko not really minding it at all as she poured all her attention into her work.

'I'll continue to check in on her.' Misato thought. 'Ritsuko and Commander Ikari are nothing but cold-blooded tyrants when dealing with her, and I think she's starting to see that.'

She knew that if Rei continued to discover and express her emotions, Gendo and Ritsuko would most definitely want to step in and find a new way to control her. And with the situation Shinji was in already hurting her, she had a feeling that they would break her.

'I'm gonna have to console her in the meanwhile... try to get her to calm down around them. Because if Rei of all people is beginning to buckle under the pressure, than this is bad. Really bad.'

Misato herself was exhausted, like she had observed Maya to be when Shigeru went to call on her. She decided she'd check in on Rei first thing tomorrow, right before she had to attend school. In times like this, she thought that Ritsuko was handling her own emotions in the worst possible way; with impatience and anger. What Rei really needed now was a friend and someone she could talk to, someone she trusted.

She didn't know how much Rei would trust her, but it wouldn't hurt to at least try to help the poor girl.

TOKYO-3

10:04pm:

Rei's head lay against the bus' window, the road bumps causing the vibrations to rattle against her skull. She didn't mind, he just wanted to distract herself as she eyed the passing streets and buildings of the heavily-industrialized city.

It was still not raining, the streets still full of dark water flowing through the gutters into the underground sewage system. She looked up at the sky, wondering when the clouds would clear up for a day, usually only happening once and sometimes twice a year in Tokyo-3. It was a rarity, one that the entire city would celebrate. Like a holiday that never had a set date.

She never paid much attention to things like that, but was feeling differently about it that night. Rei was tired of being under the clouds almost everyday of her life, and she was tired of the endless rain. In fact, there were a lot of things she was finding she had grown tired of.

Rei got up from her seat and walked through the isle of the mostly empty bus, it being late enough for the ride to not feel claustrophobic. She awaited the vehicle to come to her stop, only to walk to yet another stop, where she'd wait to take the 705 home.

The walk from one stop to another usually took about 10 minutes, giving Rei some time to look inward as she walked through the wet streets.

As she continued her walk, she very suddenly thought of the strange nature of the baseline test she went through every once in a while. Rei never really thought about the questions themselves, she just listened and repeated anything she had been ordered to repeat. To her, it was just like every other meeting she had with Ritsuko or Gendo. She did what she was told, and then it was over.

But now, she was actually feeling some kind of weird relation to the words she had been taught to recite.

'In blood-black, nothingness began to spin.'

In blood black... she imagined some kind of lifeless void. And the 'nothingness' part, the one that made her pause briefly before reciting the rest of her baseline, made her think of the core. She remained puzzled as to why that was.

'A system of cells interlinked within cells interlinked within cells interlinked within one stem.'

This made her think of some kind of system, of course, maybe even a machine. One asset assisting the next, functioning in some kind of cycle or purpose. Maybe it meant that no one asset was the most important, but that the collective amount was.

'And dreadfully distinct.'

What could such a thing even mean? She wondered if it was just some meaningless poetry, or if it was a mindset they wanted to push on her. As if they wanted her to dislike individuality, to dread her distinctiveness.

'Against the dark, a tall white fountain played.'

Contrast is all she could think of from trying to read into that last sentence.

Thinking of these questions, even now, made her kind of anxious. They were provoking some kind of emotional response within her, and that was something she'd had enough of today. She was exhausted, and just wanted to go home. Never had she longed for home like she did now.

Finally, the stop was in her view and it wouldn't take long before she'd be on her way to her broken down, yet safe apartment.

However, as she approached her stop she noticed two people sitting on a bench across the street from her. A boy and a girl, definitely a couple. As Rei sat, she did the sensible thing and looked away, presuming they were a couple by the way they were holding each other. This kind of stuff never caught her attention anyway, but suddenly she felt like she couldn't look away.

They were holding each other, heads leaning together, hand in hand. It was a very tender image.

Then, the two engaged in a loving kiss. They looked really in love, the image actually managing to bring an almost unreadable grin to Rei's face. She again wondered why so many things that never interested her before were suddenly catching her attention, as if all the emotions that broke out of her earlier that day were now something she could see in everything. It wasn't just making her cry, or feel hopeless like it did back at the docks. She was finding beauty in things, for the first time.

As she continued to watch the two, not really thinking about whether it was invasive of her to be watching or not, she couldn't hep but notice a magnet-like attraction between the two. They held each other with pure love, pulling one another as close as they could. As their kissing lingered on, it was as if they could no longer split apart. The two were inseparable.

'They seem to not want to leave each other. They adore each other's presence.' She thought.

For the duration of the couple's public display of affection, Rei saw the two individuals as a whole. And it looked like it made them happy, their body language projecting nothing but pure bliss.

'It's as if they want to unify... to become one with each other.'

Rei looked at her hand yet again, as if her loneliness was just made more apparent by seeing the loving couple interact. She was missing something in her life, and wanted to piece herself together. She wanted to be complete. A piece of the puzzle was missing, the puzzle known as Rei Ayanami. Having observed these two, she realized the piece she was looking for had been around her plenty of times already. Then she came to an even bigger realization.

As her bus finally arrived, she could only think of one name.

'Shinji...'