Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? If you never loved at all, surely you don't know the blistering sting of having them ripped from your arms? Or worse, when they walk willingly? You don't know betrayal or rejection from the person you trusted most; that person who swore to you and promised you forever. If you never loved: your pain is benign, it never happened, you are blissfully ignorant to what could have been. To the severed other half…. It's all they think about. Is the fleeting feeling of security and infatuation; the touches, the kisses and declarations of devotion worth it? Can you lie alone and remember those times you were not? Those times outnumbered by solitude by how many? To torture oneself with the "what ifs" is a painfully painless exercise that induces more tears than it saves but don't you get to think of them? So is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Maybe if you've never loved, losing it doesn't seem so bad.
General Hux had always known what to say and what to do. He always had some cool and quick retort for every problem that arose but now; he was speechless. Lucilla basked in his dumb gaze; defiant and almost bratty while his mind remained frustratingly blank and if he didn't know better (if he could even string a thought together), he might have believed she was enjoying rendering him in such a state. Slowly, his faculties started to return and though words still failed him, his mind began piecing this unpredictable situation together slowly; starting with her injuries. Inflicted in the struggle no doubt, he was uncertain if he wanted the camera feeds pulled from the armour of the squadron's commanding Trooper; to find out exactly what happened and punish those responsible accordingly. If she was in pain, however, she masked it well. Had she become colder? He certainly felt a drop in the temperature of the (normally) crisp interrogation room and the frigid, nervous paces he took in an attempt to ease his discomfort could not shake the uncharacteristically savage gaze of the woman in the metallic chair.
"I see you still haven't had your fill of displacing and terrorizing children." The benign drawl shook him for a reason he just couldn't explain. Perhaps he hadn't expected her to speak, maybe he hoped that if she didn't that he might have some chance of holding his (fraying) nerve; he was right to have such a concern. Her glower hadn't ceased; if anything it intensified when she realized she had pressed a rather delicate nerve that had nothing to do with children. It was delicious to watch him squirm despite him having the upper hand in every sense; she still had the ability to whittle him to nothing with her words alone and it appeared to be working. While that melodic articulation of the Coruscant origin had once bore adoration and devotion that had given him butterflies now had a different, fear-inspiring effect. The spotless leather of the General's boots squeaked ever so slightly as he paced slowly behind the chair, to the only blind spot where she would not see him unravel. Would the noise distract her from the distressed hitch in his breathing? Seemingly not.
"Babies." She began ominously with a twitch of smug satisfaction but behind the goading façade, worry plucked. "Toddlers. Children. All under my protection from which I was whipped away in a flurry of Stormtroopers. How do you think that looks for the Order? Not well, I imagine?" No answer from the dry-mouthed redhead so she continued with her calm barrage. "Not to mention teenagers that I brought back from the brink of militancy one by one, hell bent on avenging their parents and siblings in the Hosnian system. But now…. Well, you've managed to radicalize them all by one swift move, haven't you? I thought you were a strategist?" Again, he seemed to have nothing to reply and she was content to let him stew for a moment. Perhaps it was overseen of him; after all it wasn't a secret that so many families had been shattered after the destruction of the Hosnian system, revenge would of course be on the agenda of many. However, he couldn't have anticipated that it would hit so close to home with his beloved Lucilla picking up the pieces and cleaning up his mess.
Running out of menial distractions, Hux's thumb pressed over the panel (even though the encasement of his glove, his print was recognized) and with a subtle jolt of the ageing chair, Lucilla's restraints unclasped from her wrists and ankles. He tried to ignore the brief bleat of relief and the steady inhale that suggested lingering pain but any reaction of discomfort she gave grated at him; all he could do was hope that such concern was not let on. He slinked to the corner of the room and watched almost dolefully from the break the new silence. Not for long, however.
"What happened to you?" Hoarse, he could barely tell if he had spoken or not and eye contact had mercifully not been made.How often had he tormented himself over her safety and her wellbeing in the last two years? How often did he wake up alone and stare at the refresher door in the middle of the night, only to realize with bitter heartbreak that there was no light coming from under said door? How often had he sat and bitten his knuckle as he stared into the fire; agonizingly wishing that she was back with him? Too many. The answer to all was too many. And yet, here she was, miraculously back to where he longed for her though he would have given anything for the circumstances to be different. She was relatively safe and unharmed, save for a few lacerations and bruises. She was not overly aggressive towards him though he suspected that she knew he had the upper hand and had been taught how to pick her battles. But…. Resistance spies in an orphanage….. It couldn't be….
"You seem to like asking that question." Perhaps the restraints had been the bone of her contention as their removal had lessened the edge on her tone and began to resemble the purr he remembered too long ago; still, burden shadowed it. "But you never liked hearing the answer. I doubt this time will be any different." Their last encounter had taught the General that silence was best when she had him (metaphorically) by the throat. The token movement of shuffling little paces soothed him a little though he kept clear of the chair from where he could feel curiosity radiating; it had all been a massive, mistaken coincidence….. But would she believe that? It seemed she was as determined to clear up the matter as he was; common ground was always a good thing. "You took me from my children. Why? It's been two years and nothing, why now?"
"You must believe me when I say I had absolutely no idea you were running the orphanage." While he managed to keep his voice low, he wasn't sure if he'd managed to keep the tang of useless envy from it. My children…. She, of course, had always had a heart he never deserved; much larger that his jealousy wanted only for itself…. Those children weren't hers, that was impossible but to hear her say it pinched at him; it flinted a covetous spark and nudged the paranoid idea that she had been with someone else and forgotten him. However, despite the dormant emotions that began to reawaken, he managed to keep his composure. "We received intelligence that a number of known Resistance affiliates were frequenting an orphanage on Yavin 4. I must go where the intel takes me, whatever casualties-"
"Even children?" Naturally, he had no answer that didn't make him sound like a monster; had he become conscious of it? Was it her? Did she make him feel like that? His half paces continued until he reached the far corner away from the light, ignored the chair and strived to stave from her gaze; like Beast from Beauty.
"Why were there Resistance spies in the orphanage?" He opted to gloss over her mild objection and pray instead for a forced take-over; the Resistance throwing its weight and the defeat of Starkiller around to hide where they pleased. Unfortunately for Hux, it was not to be.
"I wouldn't have the orphanage if it wasn't for the Resistance." The answer was simple but cutting in the realization that she had willingly aligned herself with the enemy. Well, his enemy. Not hers anymore; he was her enemy now. "You probably don't remember, or maybe you do; it marked the beginning of the end for you, after all." It was his turn to be curious and it appeared she didn't intend to keep him guessing. "The pilot. You interrogated him before you turned him over to Kylo Ren. He flew the X-Wing that destroyed the oscillator in Precinct 47-" How many times had she heard the story to know the details? "The pilot who stole your Stormtrooper and your Tie-Fighter: The best pilot in the Resistance. His name is Poe Dameron and he is my cousin." Orion felt a churning in his stomach; she'd been close to the Resistance all along and never known it. In fact, he did remember the pilot; he remembered discussing his then lover while said pilot was dragged behind himself and Ren, unconscious. Although he couldn't see her, she sounded somewhat….. neutral?
"There was nothing for me on Coruscant. My father was away most of the time and an empty house with sore memories held no appeal." Hux registered the tired groaning of the metal as two dainty feet met the immaculate steel floor and relieved the chair of an unsubstantial weight. "I heard bits and pieces on Tatooine but when you're almost constantly drugged, it's difficult to know what's real and true." How the General managed not to flinch, he'd never know but he would always be grateful. "Poe brought me to meet your counterpart, General Organa; a wonderfully kind and understanding woman. A former princess, I believe." Lucilla's half-hearted saunter served the same purpose as the General's – distraction. "I was worried about how I would be treated; because of who I was and what I was…." Again, another flinch never made it to the surface; she still thought of herself as an object. And after all she'd been through, it would take more than someone telling her she wasn't for her to believe it.
"But everyone was as friendly and compassionate as the General, despite what they knew of me and I'm sure you know that word travels fast; not even a Resistance base is above gossip." Even in the barely interested swipes of her eyes to her surroundings; her ignorance of the security protocol on Finalizer meant she did not notice something that had just entered his mind; something that caused him to straighten while Lucilla refused to look at him properly – the monitoring equipment. "I stayed there." She continued with a note of fondness but her pace remained the same and a small flicker of a genial smile, her hands clasped together in front of her as she moved. "Children started to arrive. Two at first, a brother and a sister; four and two." The movement stopped suddenly as if the memory required concentration she could not spend on steps. "As good as their intentions were, the base staff were not equipped, nor did they have the time to care for children so I volunteered." With nowhere to sit per say, Lucilla opted to remain stationary but Hux was eager to know more; his patience would be rewarded. "Two more arrived that week. Three the next, including a baby of four days old. They needed me; they needed someone…. So I did what I could and it grew from there."
Naturally, Hux wasn't surprised. She had always wanted children (as long as he'd known her at least and more than likely before that) but the means of having her own had been cruelly taken from her to embody the ultimate sexual servant. It hadn't dampened her love though and while she had showered him with it, it seemed she had plenty left over and needed somewhere to put it; unfortunate children and victims from her former lover's actions fitted the bill.
"You mentioned teenagers." He prompted her quietly and for the first time, he felt those long-missed eyes on him; the temptation to quake under them was almost too much but he reminded himself of composure and of his duty. Practicality had not left him. If there was a threat from a group of armed teenagers, they were still a threat which he could not afford.
"Older siblings of the children I took in, most of them self-reliant and independent who would stay with us for a few days a week. They helped out, contributed money and other chores that I could not expect young children to do; purely out of gratitude for their siblings. But the Resistance provided me mostly with what I needed, including the property on Yavin 4." The General found himself nodding absent-mindedly along with every uttered word. Orion mustered the buried strength to raise his eyes and immediately, his wounds opened. She hadn't changed, a little tired looking perhaps but her pampered and captive lifestyle was over; particularly if she cared for children but still as striking as the day she arrived on Finalizer. And she watched him without hate, without disdain; merely sorrow. Lips wetted nervously, Hux drew another trembling breath and while it was tempting to simply sweep from the room, he trusted no one else with this exceptionally delicate prisoner; certainly not Kylo Ren.
"The spies." He pressed with a muted swallow though her expression didn't change. "Why were there spies at the orphanage?"
"They provide for it, I'm not going to tell them they can't avail of it when they're in the system for a bed and a meal." He wanted to believe it was that simple, that innocent but even if Lucilla didn't know it, it was never that easy where the Resistance were involved. Even if she did know, why should he expect her to tell him? He wouldn't torture her, he suspected she knew that much but she probably wasn't safe in thinking he wouldn't get someone else to do it but he wouldn't do that either however, a curtain of rage slowly started to unfurl in his chest as he replayed her words. A bed and a meal…
"And was that bed ever with you?" His demeanour had overhauled itself into boldness and offense that he probably didn't deserve but she had always been a sore spot; what could she expect when she had taken lovers in the Resistance? Taken aback by the sudden stab, Lucilla's expression changed; very much like the General's; indignant and aghast.
"Excuse me?!"
"You heard me!" He countered, more loudly this time with a possessive flare of his nostrils and a few steps out of the shadows in a bid for a proper, jealous challenge. "How many of them?! Who?!"
"How dare you!"The affronted snap matched his own volume and would have sent him recoiling if his blood wasn't boiling in his veins. How could she do this?! How could she be so dismissive?! After everything he'd done for her?! The red patch beneath her eye had become more accentuated as her vexation climbed with the utterly baseless accusations. "How very dare you! Who do you think you are, demanding information like that?! I owe you no such favour! You left me to die, remember?! Or have you forgotten that little detail?!" Irritated and all as he was, how could he not think she wouldn't defend herself?
"Recording equipment: Shut down!" Somewhere in the main control room, a small gaggle of technicians were going into a frenzy when they lost audio on the interrogation of the orphanage owner and also the blackness that coated their screens; it would mean reconditioning for them for sure. The General could not afford for this to get personal while there were still invisible eyes and ears within the cell. If it did, his own position would be compromised and the order handed down for the dark haired darling to be executed; most likely by his own hand if his master's sadistic moods prevailed. Safe for now, he continued his barrage that was perhaps a little more telling than he would have liked but found himself unable to stop. "If I had even gotten a scent of a whisper of a rumour that you were alive, I would have torn the galaxy a new black hole to find you! AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"LIAR!" Too riled to let the harpy-like shriek pierce him, he stripped off the Garber wool coat and tossed it impetuously into the corner with a bulky thud; a blind act of aggravation though his eyes never once strayed from the equally furious female only a few feet from him though the distance closed rapidly until they screamed nose to nose. "DO NOT INSULT ME; I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME! AND BEING THE DISGUSTING CREATURE THAT YOU ARE, YOU PUT MY CHILDREN IN HARMS WAY TO GET ME!"
"I LET YOU GO AT YOUR REQUEST! I RESPECTED YOUR DECISION TO LEAVE! AS FAR AS I KNEW, YOU WERE ON CORUSCANT, NOT RUNNING A FUCKING ORPHANAGE ON YAVIN 4!"
"THE HELL YOU DID!"
"TWO YEARS, LUCILLA! TWO YEARS, I'VE TORTURED MYSELF EVERY DAY BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED! WHY WOULD I DO IT TO MYSELF?! WHY WOULD I WILLINGLY OPEN THOSE WOUNDS AND PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT AGAIN?!"
"LISTEN TO YOU! MYSELF, MYSELF, ME, ME, ME! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF TORTURE!" In truth, he didn't. Not compared to what she'd been through. His days on Tatooine had been a nightmare and every day since but it had been self-inflicted so to a degree, he could curb it. She, on the other hand, had been at the absolute physical mercy of people who wanted to hurt and control her; there was no contest. Lucilla's heavy pants of wrath were the only sound in the damn near silent cell for a moment, eyes wild and locked and almost inviting him to even squeak lest her tirade escalate. "Every. Day." Those two rumbling words attacked his core and though there was nothing especially incriminating about them, he knew he did not want her to continue. However, there was a difference in what Lucilla wanted and what Orion wanted.
"Every day I received a new punishment. Things so heinous even your cruel mind would struggle to conceive them but your father's did. You know NOTHING about torture so do not degrade me by telling me what you endured was the same thing." Dumb, Hux swallowed again with little to reply. She was right and he'd never denied it; waking up in the middle of the night and missing someone dreadfully was not the equivalent of being raped, beaten and whatever else she had been subjected to. Lucilla held his gaze with steel until he was graced with the relief of her back when she turned to compose herself. Her steps were bordering on unsteady while he fought with himself as to whether he should follow her or not; to catch her in case she needed catching.
"I know…." He doubted he deserved to weigh in but did so anyway as Lucilla flopped despondently against the wall so he proceeded cautiously, advised. "For two years and more, I've done nothing but remind myself constantly of everything you endured and how it was my fault. Believe me, little dove, I haven't allowed myself to forget." He expected her to lash out again for the slip of the tongue on her old pet name but she either didn't notice or refused to spend her energy on it; either way he was grateful.
"You don't know everything." The emotionless mutter echoed trauma. "You don't even know half of it and you're correct, it is your fault." Hux took the unintentional stab with an overcome sort of nod, opting not to defend himself; after all, he punished himself plenty but was there any retribution to match any she could dole him? Probably not. There was nothing to gain from this only ammunition against himself though he still had trouble convincing himself that she was there with him; in the flesh, in person and he had accepted that. Or had he? Braving a few steps towards her, she appeared to look straight through him; as if her surroundings and her company remained unprocessed.
"I shouldn't have asked you that, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of it, I had no right." Another swallow seemed to wake her to his discomfort and her senses readjusted to include him again; possibly a distraction from whatever entombed musings had begun to claw at her again. "But sometimes…. It is easier to get by when I believe nothing has changed when nothing could be further from the truth." He found her focused on him but silent, as if giving him consent to continue. Needless to say, he took it without hesitation. "I said it once, a long time ago but I'll say it again, just in case. I love you. That's never changed and I suspect it won't. I know you don't share that sentiment and I don't expect-"
"Who said I don't?" The General's confession came to an abrupt halt by the blue-eyed beauty's hushed interjection. The heat of a joint stare warmed the other until those careful steps resumed and he was even with the source of his scourge. After that, his mind went blank and his body took over. How did he expect her to react, sandwiched between him and the wall with his lips pressed genially to hers? It turns out, exceptionally well. So well in fact, that Lucilla had no reluctance in returning the impulsive embrace; much to Orion's disbelieving delight. They melted into each other, seamlessly falling into the old pattern and the most comfortable stance for both (the height difference had not changed); namely his arm settling on her waist to tempt her closer while his hand settled oh so carefully on the side of her mildly bruised face.
"Lucilla." The reverent murmur tasted differently on his tongue than it had in the last two years or so. Whether it was because she was there to hear it or because of the urgency with which her lips pushed back to his. In the next instant, the thump of two vying and moulded forms rang in the nearly empty cell as the General's rear found the seat of the interrogation chair for his lap to be straddled by Lucilla. After that, there was no time wasted. Pulled as physically close as she could be, the tiny female's neck was slathered with devotion as if it had been far more than two years apart. "Gods, I've missed you…. You have no idea, my love….." Lips redirected to wrestle again, the smell of the berries in her hair struck him and the feel of home re-entered his body at last. "We don't have a lot of time, little dove. They will try and override the equipment soon and when they do-"
"Sssshhhh…." In his distraction, clothing had somehow come loose to the minimum capacity for intimacy; he could only assume that to be her doing but full advantage would be taken. He almost choked on the feeling of unity and the small whine in his ear suggested that feeling was mutual. He never thought he would feel this again; her arm holding her tight against him, chest to chest, nose to nose and sharing the same breath established that this was real. He eventually discovered the strength to lift his hips to meet hers, drop them and lift them again until a pattern and rhythm developed with the encouragement of the sweet whimpers massaging the stoic atmosphere of the cell. Each thrust unleashed a memory he had locked away as self-punishment; rejecting the Colonel's offer, Naboo, the broom closet on Starkiller….. He didn't deserve her, he didn't deserve this chance.
"Look at me….." The quiet command was panted but he obeyed immediately. Even in his deepest dreams and most devastated memories, it killed him to realize the shade of blue didn't match the ones before him. True, the difference was miniscule but different all the same and breath-taking to behold all over again. "I love you." His rib-cage almost caved to hear it at last but still, he continued with the movements that made her breathing hitch and her eyes flutter. "I have for a long time and I knew that would never change. So you can imagine my fear when I saw the Stormtroopers-"
"The Stormtroopers will be dealt with." He assured her with strain edging on the usually curt and dismissive tone that she always managed to soften. "The ones that hurt you will be reconditioned; possibly executed, depending on what I see….." The General felt himself beginning to falter, a typical tell-tale sign that he barely recalled but still he pushed on to deliver them both to unified pleasure after too long apart.
"There's no need for that, I'm fine…." Lucilla bit back a small sob of pleasure at the familiar feeling of orgasm beginning to niggle at her. Adding her own token nudges down into his lap, she was clung harder to him as if she might suddenly be whipped away or simply disappear. That wouldn't happen again; not this time. The internal feminine hugging brought them to the final leg of their forbidden activity; Lucilla began to crumble and Hux began to stutter but despite the separate reactions dictated by their anatomies, the two powered on together and watched each other as if they might miss a minute flicker of pleasure they were responsible for. They came together; noses aligned, eyes half open and with scarcely a breath between them but the reunion was finally complete.
"What do we do now?" The forlorn question prompted a sigh from the General though he had no intention of moving just yet; despite the possibility of reinforcements on their way to the interrogation room. He would keep an eye out for a sanitation trooper and when he would finally collar one, they would be told (quite subtly) that the chair in interrogation room 4 needed a prompt disinfecting. For now though, he was happy to remain in post-coital bliss with the love of his life (even if the location wasn't ideal) and adjust her in his lap so he could kiss her properly. However, it was apologetically short-lived when Lucilla pulled back to search her General's eyes. "Orion, I need to get back to the orphanage. I need you to release me."
"Very well." He didn't move nor did he relinquish her as she probably expected with by his concession. "But there is one, delicate condition if I am to do that." Curious, her head tilted but her eyes remained attentively trained on his before he drew that breath laced with finality and sincerity. "Marry me."