Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tatooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

STAR WARS QUOTES THAT WORDS ARE SUBSTITUTED WITH "PANTS"

Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

SCENES

THE PHANTOM MENACE

YODA: Always two there are, a master and an apprentice

MACE: But who was it? The master, or the apprentice?

YODA: Thinking I was, about Mrs. White in the ballroom with the knife

MACE: Really, I thought it was a Wookiee in the Millenium Falcon with the bowcaster

ANAKIN: No, no, it was the womp rat in the duggle with the water gun

OBI-WAN: No, I was there, it was definitely the triceratops in the jungle with the horns.

OTHERS: A Triceratops?

OBI-WAN: Well, it has horns.

THE DARTH'S CONSPIRE

DARTH MAUL: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we will have revenge.

DARTH MAUL: That's all my lines! At last we reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last I will be killed by a Jedi. Can't I have more lines?

GL: No

(Darth Maul draws lightsaber and rounds on GL)

GL: Wha-wha-what was I thinking? Of c-c-course you can have more lines

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

DARTH VADER TO ADMIRAL PIETT: Admiral, have your men disengaged their hyperdrive?

ADMIRAL PIETT: Oh what the heck, why would you sabotage a hyperdrive that never works in the first place?

BESPIN DUEL

DARTH VADER: I have just one question for you.

LUKE: And what is that?

DARTH VADER: Who is yo daddy?

LUKE: (leans forward and whispers) That's not the line

DARTH VADER: Oh all right (pulls out huge black book titled The Empire Strikes Back and searches for his line) Luke….I…am…your….father. I am your father? No I'm not! I'm not! I'm a big important Sith Lord that's half robot and you are just a puny Jedi kid! I protest!

GL puts a gun to his head

I know it's really short, but mum is just about ready to kick me off the computer.

I'll try to make it up on the next chapter.