The Star Wars logo appears on the screen together with the thrilling John Williams theme music. The audience is moved almost to tears by nostalgia and excitement, until the introduction crawls up the screen and we realize the movie is about some trade embargo or something.
INT. SPACESHIP.
The first people we see in the long-awaited Star Wars prequel are two pilots who get killed in a few scenes so we don't need to learn their names unless we are obsessive. We also see the backs of two hooded heads, which belong to OBI-WAN and some other GUY WITH A Q IN HIS NAME.
Guy With a Q in His Name:
Tell the aliens we wish to land.
Pilot Who Dies in a Few Scenes:
With all due respect, aliens, we wish to land.
ALIEN:
As you know, our blockod is perfECTly legahl. I am obviously an ahlien becoss I haf a strange acCENT while I do not haf any nostrils.
INT. ALIEN SPACE STATION. The two Jedi enter a room and put back the hoods of their cool monkish robes in tandem.
OBI-WAN:
I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Guy With a Q in His Name:
I don't feel anything. I think you're making it up.
OBI-WAN:
That's because I'm a better Jedi than you even though I'm only an apprentice.
Guy With a Q in His Name:
Look, just keep your mind on your job for once.
OBI-WAN:
But Master Yoda said I should--
Guy With a Q in His Name:
Master Yoda this, Master Yoda that, I'm about sick of hearing about Yoda, okay?
INT. BRIDGE.
DROID that looks like C-3PO but has a woman's voice:
The ambassadors are Jedi knights, I believe, although I am a mere droid and it's anyone's guess where I learned how to identify Jedis.
ALIEN:
Oh great, that about tears it. I'm not going in dere. Send de droid.
INT. ROOM WHERE THE JEDI ARE WAITING.
OBI-WAN:
Do these guys always make ambassadors wait this long?
Guy With a Q in His Name:
I sense an unusual amount of fear.
OBI-WAN:
I thought you said you didn't sense anything.
Guy With a Q in His Name:
Anyway, the negotiations will be short because these guys with no nostrils are chicken.
INT. BRIDGE.
The aliens are talking to the projection of the evil Lord Sidious who looks suspiciously like the EMPEROR.
EMPEROR:
Jedi? Kill them. Kill them all. And whatever you do, don't let them get into the ventilator shafts.
INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR
A laser gun mounted on the ceiling springs to life and turns to aim at the ambassador's ship.
Pilot Who Dies in This Scene:
Captain! I get a line in this moviearrrgh!
INT. ROOM WHERE THE JEDI ARE WAITING.
Both Jedi spring up and grab their lightsabers. At first we think it's because they sensed the death of the pilots, but then we realize they only heard the poison gas dispensers turn on. It's always handy to outfit your space station with poison gas dispensers in every room, just in case.
Guy with a Q in his name:
Poison gas! Better hold your breath!
They both take deep breaths.
A lot of battle droids that look like Crow T. Robots assemble outside the room.
BATTLE DROID:
They should be dead now. Open the door so we can make sure.
OTHER, SMARTER BATTLE DROID:
Why don't we just leave them in there with the poison gas for a couple of hours? Even a Jedi can't hold his breath that long. I think.
They open the doors. The Jedi are still holding their breaths. Luckily battle droids, which are sophisticated constructs engineered to be ruthless, emotionless killing machines, are slow to react and have terrible aim. The Jedi destroy them all and run down the hall.
INT. BRIDGE
ALIEN:
Seal off the bridge! Nothing can get through that door.
The guy with the Q in his--oh, hell, he's really called Quai Gong Djinn or something--sticks his light saber through the door.
ALIEN:
Close the blast doors! Both sets! Heh, see him get through that.
Qui-Gon sticks his lightsaber through all the doors, which start to melt. This is the coolest thing ever done with a lightsaber, ever.
ALIEN:
Where are those cool rolling droids that look like mechanical scorpions?
OBI-WAN:
Damn, cool rolling droids that look like mechanical scorpions. We'd better run away almost too fast to see, something no Jedi apparently knows how to do except us.
They run away really, really fast and escape through the convenient ventilation system.
INT. SPACESHIP HANGAR
QUI-GON:
Look, lots of battle droids. They must be planning an invasion.
OBI-WAN:
No shit. Hey, you were right about one thing, the negotiations were short.
Cue Laugh Track
QUI-GON:
We'll stow away on separate ships and meet down on the planet. Those thousands of battle droids won't notice us and it's a real small planet so we shouldn't have any problem finding each other in the trackless wilderness these ships will for some reason land in.
INT. ALIEN SPACESTATION.
The aliens with no nostrils talk to QUEEN AMIDALA on a cool wavy screen that is way more advanced-looking than any communication device seen a few decades later.
QUEEN AMIDALA:
I guess those ambassadors gave you what for. Your blockade is over, poopy-heads.
ALIEN #1:
Ambassadors? What ambassadors? Do you know anything about any ambassadors, Alien #2?
ALIEN #2:
We haven't seen any Jedi at all--I mean, any ambassadors at all. Wait, we forgot our accents. Staht overrrr.
QUEEN AMIDALA:
I'm going to tell the Senate on you and you're going to be in big trouble, nanny nanny boo boo.
ALIEN #1:
I am rubbah and you ah glue, everything you seh bounces--
EXT. NABOO.
Giant metal things are mowing down trees, apparently in an attempt to kill JAR JAR BINKS and some capybaras. Qui-Gon unfortunately saves Jar Jar.
AUDIENCE:
Boo! Kill him! Kill him!
QUI-GON:
You brainless idiot! What are you, some sort of humorous sidekick?
JAR JAR:
I spake.
QUI-GON:
So do TV news anchors, but that doesn't mean they're intelligent.
JAR JAR:
Meesa you humble servant. Meesa LOVE you!
Obi-Wan comes running up.
OBI-WAN:
Oh, great. Fifteen minutes into this film and we've already run afoul of Jar Jar. I was hoping we'd have an hour free at least.
JAR JAR:
Exqueese me? Meesa can take you to Gungan city. 'Tis a hidden city.
QUAI GON:
A city? That's more like it. How do we get there?
JAR JAR:
Um, actually meesa been banished from Gungan city. Meesa only mentioned it because it's in the script.
OBI-WAN:
You see this? It's a lightsaber. Take us to the damn city, okay?
Jar Jar takes them to the Gungan city, which is in a pond about the size of a parking lot on the surface but the size of an ocean underneath. Fortunately the Jedi have nifty little water-breathing devices on their Batman Utility Belts; Jar Jar can apparently breathe water although he doesn't seem to have gills. They enter one of the big bubble-looking things where a lot of Gungans are standing around doing nothing. Due to their high midichlorian counts, the Jedi are barely damp.
JAR JAR:
It's sure good to be home! Uh oh.
GUARD:
Yousa in deep doo-doo now, Jar Jar.
He zaps Jar Jar with a cattle prod so that Jar Jar can say "How wude" for the first of many, many times.
INT. BOSS NASS'S ROOM.
Boss Nass is a big flabby guy who is apparently of a different species than the Gungans, since he doesn't have eyeballs on stalks. His flunkies wear armor that makes them look sort of like Crusaders.
QUI-GON:
Bad things are about to happen so we need your help, okay?
BOSS NASS:
Weesa no likum those mechaneeks. Go away so we can kill Jar Jar.
AUDIENCE:
Yes!
QUI-GON:
But if you don't help us you'll end up killed too. You see, you and the Naboo form a symbi--
OBI-WAN elbowing him aside:
You and the Naboo form a symbiote circle. If they die, you die too. See, if they get a boo-boo, you get a boo-boo too. Does everyone in the audience understand this yet? Even the real little kids?
QUI-GON:
I was doing okay. You are my apprentice, remember?
BOSS NASS salivates loudly:
Meesa no tink so. Yousa go away.
QUI-GON waving his hands:
Then speed us on our way. Hey, look what I can do.
BOSS NASS:
Weesa gonna give yousa a bongo, but you have to go through the PLAAAANET CORE where there's fiery hot lava and molten rock and you'll burn up and die.
QUI-GON:
What will become of Jar Jar Binks?
OBI-WAN whines:
But master, we're short on time and he's an idiot.
BOSS NASS:
Heesa gonna be pyooooonished, heh heh.
AUDIENCE:
Yay! Can we watch?
JAR JAR:
How wude.
QUI-GON:
I saved his life so he owes me. We'll take him.
JAR JAR:
Meesa rather die here than die in the Planet Core! It's really scary and terrible and stuff! Whatsa meesa saying? Meesa in the script, meesa have to go!
They get in the bongo, which is a type of drum. Actually it's a submarine shaped like a stingray with a kite tail.
QUI-GON:
You'd better drive. I'm not sober.
They are set upon almost immediately by a big fish, who is then eaten by a bigger fish.
QUI-GON:
There's always a bigger fish, unless you're not in the water in which case it's probably some sort of mammal, or maybe large birds or those reptile things before we domesticated them and made them carry our packs around in spaceports. But there's always a bigger one. Funny, you know, you don't see many small creatures in this galaxy. I saw some capybaras up here on Naboo, and actually there were lots of bigger capybaras. So--
OBI-WAN:
Shut up! For god's sake, shut the hell up, okay? That's exactly the kind of shallow philosophizing I expect from you.
QUI-GON:
So, Jar Jar, why exactly were you banished? Did you kill a man?
JAR JAR:
Nosuh. Meesa banished because meesa clumsy.
QUI-GON:
You were banished because you're clumsy?
JAR JAR:
Um, maybe meesa actually banished because meesa annoying.
OBI-WAN:
Can we banish him too?
INT. SPACE STATION, where the Aliens are talking to the Emperor again.
EMPEROR:
I have an evil plan to take over the Senate, so listen closely. You are to act like you're trying to extort a treaty from the Naboo and then throw them into jail when they don't sign. That way I can force the Senate to intervene and elect a strong chancellor, a handsome chancellor, a chancellor who would never pronounce his Rs.
ALIEN #1:
A chancellor who looks good in black.
EMPEROR:
Ooh, good one.
ALIEN #2:
Is that legal?
EMPEROR:
Oh golly, Mr. Policeman, did I BREAK A LAW? Shut up and cut off communications to the planet.
INT. THE BONGO.
JAR JAR:
Weesa lost power! Meesa is going to hyperventilate and panic and kill ussa all even though meesa can breathe underwater and was born here and have nothing to worry about!
OBI-WAN:
Hey, I can hotwire anything. Watch while I miraculously fix this ship. You'll be seeing a lot of that in the next two hours.
The ship's power comes back on, just in time for another scary creature to appear and attempt to eat the ship. Luckily there's always a bigger fish.
INT. NABOO CASTLE. Queen Amidala is having a tea party with her inner circle when SENATOR PALPATINE, really the EMPEROR without his HOOD, materializes as one of those nifty hologram things.
EMPEROR:
Really, Queen, I have NO IDEA why the Jedi never showed up. Really! I'm just as shocked and dismayed as you. I can promise you, whatever the Senate can do to help, I'll make sure they do it. Eventually. fffzt chchchchch zzfft Whoops, we're breaking up! Sorry, I have absolutely nothing to do with this!
CAPTAIN Token-Black-Guy:
They wouldn't shut down communications unless they were about to invade. Well-known fact.
QUEEN:
You don't think the batteries are just low?
PADME, who is really the Queen:
Just thump it a few times.
QUEEN:
I-will-not-condone-a-course-of-action-that-will-lead-us-to-wah.
EXT. NABOO, city of Theed (really, I know it's called Theed because it's in the Weird Al song).
The bongo surfaces in a pretty canal thing with ducks.
AUDIENCE:
That was it?
QUI-GON:
That was it? That was the plaaaanet core? Are you sure we came the right way?
OBI-WAN:
I took a short cut.
QUI-GON:
The Queen and everyone have probably been captured by now, so we can go rescue them and look like heroes. I only need 400 more experience points for my next level.
INT. NABOO CASTLE.
The Aliens have captured the Queen and some guy who looks like the Wizard of Oz, and Captain Token-Black-Guy.
ALIEN:
You've got to sign this treaty, only not really.
QUEEN lip trembling defiantly:
I'll never join you!
ALIEN:
I am your father. What am I saying?
QUEEN:
Dad?
ALIEN:
I seem to have the wrong script.
QUEEN:
I'm not going to sign any stupid treaty.
ALIEN:
In time the suffering of your people will make you change your mind.
QUEEN:
Why should I care what happens to them? They wear ugly clothes and are poor and stuff.
ALIEN:
Prrrrrocess them. Ooh, I scare myself.
EXT. THEED COURTYARD OR SOMEPLACE.
The Jedi and Jar Jar are lurking on top of a bridge over a courtyard. This is so they can jump off the bridge and look really cool and rescue the Queen and her pals, which they do. Then it's off to the hangar to rescue some pilots, who are sitting in a disconsolate heap guarded by Crow T. Robots.
OBI-WAN:
I'll handle this.
QUI-GON:
Shut up. I'll handle this. To Crow T. Robot We're taking these people to Coruscant.
OBI-WAN:
Oh, brilliant. Tell them where we're going.
CROW T. ROBOT:
Coruscant? Um, er, that doesn't compute.
OBI-WAN:
Time for an upgrade.
QUI-GON:
Oh well, negotiations didn't work. I guess we'll have to kill them.
They destroy all the Crow T. Robots and rescue the pilots, then steal a convenient spaceship. It is silver and gleams like a T-1000.
EXT. SPACE.
IDIOT PILOT:
Oh look, there's the old blockade right where we left it. Uh oh, I forgot to put the shields on! We're hit! Send out R2-D2 and his expendable comrades to fix the shields.
CAPTAIN T-B-G watching on a little screen:
We're losing droids fast. Fortunately they're aiming at the droids and not our completely defenseless enormous ship.
R2-D2:
Beep beep. It's just unplugged. Look, I fixed it.
IDIOT PILOT:
Hey, our shields are up! That little droid did it! We'd better tell the queen--she'll be dying to know all about some insignificant droid.
Cut to PLAIN LITTLE ROOM where the queen is.
QUEEN:
What a good little droid. What is its numbah?
CAPTAIN T-B-G enunciating very clearly so we will think he's never heard the name before:
R2-D2, your highness.
QUEEN:
Padme, my dear, be a good girl and clean up this soot-encrusted droid with your bare hands.
PADME, who is really the Queen, scraping at R2-D2:
mutters She's gonna regret this when we get back to Naboo.
IDIOT PILOT:
We'll never make it all the way to Coruscant. The hyperdrive is leaking something.
OBI-WAN:
Of all the hundreds of star systems within range where we could get the ship fixed, only Tatooine is controlled by the Hutts. Let's go there.
QUI-GON:
Sounds great!
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
But the Hutts are gangsters!
QUI-GON:
Aw, they're just big softies when you get to know them. Besides, Tatooine is important to the plot. Land outside of town so we won't have to go through Hutt customs.
INT. NABOO PALACE.
The aliens are yet again talking to a hologram of the Emperor.
ALIEN:
A little ship with no shields managed to get past the entire blockade fleet. We think the Jedi were aboard PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, SIR.
EMPEROR:
I find your lack of competence disturbing. I will have to send in my apprentice, DARTH MAUL.
Darth Maul steps up. Camera zooms in on him and "DARTH MAUL" flashes on the screen.
EMPEROR:
This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. DARTH MAUL! Everyone got that?
AUDIENCE:
Damn! He looks just like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent!
DARTH MAUL, glowering impressively:
Ready for evil, sir.
The hologram winks out.
ALIEN:
Great, now there are two of them. This is all your fault, you doddering old fool. And you look like Ronald Reagan without nostrils, too.
EXT. TATOOINE.
OBI-WAN:
Master, the hyperdrive generator is gone.
QUI-GON:
Gone? Where did you see it last?
OBI-WAN:
Well, actually it was leaking stuff all over the place so I threw it away. Why? We don't need one, do we?
Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, and R2-D2 start walking from the ship to the spaceport to buy a new hyperdrive generator.
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
Wait, you forgot Padme, who is really the queen! The queen, who is really Padme, desires you to take Padme, who is really the queen, to the spaceport so she can meet the little people.
QUI-GON:
No.
PADME, who is really the queen:
Off with his head!
QUI-GON:
Oh, all right. But it won't be pretty. Jar Jar is going to step in some alien poop.
They enter the city. Jar Jar steps in some alien poop.
JAR JAR:
Meesa hate this fuckin place.
QUI-GON:
Mostly Tatooine is made up of moisture farms, except for the spaceports where they import stuff.
PADME, who is really the queen:
Why don't they import moisture? Duh.
QUI-GON:
The midichlorians in my cells tell me the Force says this one shop is the only place where we can get the part we need, and it just happens to be where Anakin Skywalker works. Perfect, except we don't have the right money. But don't worry, credits will be fine.
They go into the shop, where they meet Watto the elephant hummingbird.
WATTO:
Boy! Come in here and get the plot started!
ANAKIN:
Are you an angel?
WATTO:
What took you so long?
ANAKIN:
I was taking a poodoo. I mean cleaning the fans.
QUI-GON:
Meet Padme. She's an angel. I mean the queen. I mean not the queen right now. You two get acquainted, hint hint.
ANAKIN to Padme:
Are you an angel?
PADME:
No, I'm a little girl. Really, I'm just a little girl. I'm not seven or eight years older than you at all, really. Um, what's an angel?
ANAKIN:
Angels live on some moon somewhere. When I grow up I'm going to find their moon and blow it up.
PADME:
You're a funny little boy. Oh, wait, you're a slave!
ANAKIN:
Am not! I'm a person and I'm gonna be Darth Vader. I'll remember you.
PADME:
Darth Vader? Oh gross, that means I have to sleep with you! Icky-poo!
ANAKIN:
Hubba hubba, hot mama.
QUI-GON to Watto:
We need a part for our ship. Do you have it?
WATTO:
Of course we've got your part. Um, how much money you got?
QUI-GON:
We have lots of these Republic credits.
WATTO:
Republic credits? Devalued junk! I need something more real.
QUI-GON, waving his hand:
Credits will be fine.
WATTO:
No they won't.
QUI-GON, waving his hand again:
Credits will be fine.
WATTO:
NO, they WON'T. What, do you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that? Mind tricks don't work on me, only money.
AUTHORS:
We couldn't top this part so we left it the way it was.
QUI-GON speaking on a com-link back to the ship:
Anybody there got anything more real than Republic credits?
IDIOT PILOT:
I got an antique chess set.
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
I got the complete set of Lords of the Jedi collector plates from the Coruscant Mint.
OBI-WAN:
There's always the queen's wardrobe but it's too heavy to carry into town.
QUEEN in background:
No! Not my clothes!
QUI-GON:
We'll think of something clever.
PADME, who is really the queen:
Why don't you just get money from the rabble with your awesome Jedi mind powers?
QUI-GON:
Oops, looks like a sandstorm! Gotta go, Obi-Wan!
ANAKIN:
You'll never make it to the ship! Come on over to my house and meet my droid. He's called C-3PO.
AUDIENCE:
What!
They start walking to Anakin's house. On the way Jar Jar tries to steal a spade-foot toad, but his comic relief field flings it across a table into the face of a Dug, an especially dangerous Dug named Sebulba.
Camera zooms in on him and "SEBULBA" flashes on the screen.
QUI-GON:
Not now, Jar Jar! There's a sandstorm coming. If I kill Sebulba with my lightsaber would it mess up the pod race scene?
ANAKIN:
No, no, I'll arbitrate even though I am only eight years old. Sebulba, he's a loser, don't bother with him. Jar Jar, stop throwing toads at Sebulba. Come on, let's go, I'm getting sand in my teeth. Oh, hey, Qui-Gon, put these apple things in your pocket so I can see your lightsaber.
They go to Anakin's house.
ANAKIN'S MOM:
Oh, great, lots of extra mouths to feed. Anakin, you're so generous.
ANAKIN to Padme, who is really the queen:
Come on, I'll show you my bedroom. There's a bed in it, hint hint.
PADME, who is really the queen:
Not now, Anakin, I have a headache.
ANAKIN:
Look, here's the protocol droid C-3PO I'm building for Mom, to help her with her protocol.
C-3PO:
Oh! Oh! I can't see even though I have one eye.
ANAKIN, putting the other eye in:
Dammit, C-3PO, quit leaving your eyes around.
C-3PO:
Oh, thank you, Master Luke. I mean Master Anakin.
R2-D2:
Beep beep. You're, like, nekkid and shit. I can see your solenoid.
C-3PO:
Master Anakin, I want my gold things!
EXT. CORUSCANT, some kind of balcony. The Emperor and Darth Maul are walking along, talking. This is almost the only time you will hear Darth Maul say anything, so listen good.
DARTH MAUL:
You know, I look just like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent.
EMPEROR:
Whoops, incoming.
A brown-robed man pushes past the Emperor, waving a lightsaber. Darth Maul dispatches him with alacrity and pushes him over the balcony.
DARTH MAUL:
Heh heh. Mrowl.
EMPEROR:
Now, then, where were we? I think they're on Tatooine because my midichlorians tell me so. Or do only the good guys have midichlorians? Go to Tatooine and find out.
TATOOINE. INT. ANAKIN'S HOUSE:
Everyone is eating supper, which apparently consists of beige gruel.
ANAKIN:
Please, sir, may I have some more?
QUI-GON:
Don't ask me, ask your mother.
ANAKIN'S MOTHER:
No, you've had enough.
ANAKIN:
But Mom, you always said the whole problem with the galaxy is that no one gives anyone seconds. And can I podrace tomorrow even though it's dangerous and I'll probably die and I'm your only son?
ANAKIN'S MOTHER:
No. Pause Well, okay.
ANAKIN to Qui-Gon:
Are you a Jedi? I saw your stick that makes hard light.
QUI-GON:
Maybe I killed a Jedi and took it from him.
ANAKIN:
You? I don't think so. Have you come to free us?
QUI-GON:
You? I don't think so.
ANAKIN:
I think you have. I think your planet just went to the top of the blow-up list. I think Darth Maul could kick your ass.
QUI-GON:
You little bastard! Who was his father, anyway?
ANAKIN'S MOTHER:
Well, it's the damnedest thing. By the way, you'd better do a midichlorian test on him. He's got Jedi reflexes.
QUI-GON:
Like this?
Qui-Gon grabs Jar Jar's tongue as he whips it out to get an apple.
JAR JAR:
How wude. Ow, let go! Shit, man, that hurts! Dammit, I'm not getting paid enough to--I said let go! I mean, meesa said let go!
QUI-GON:
Do these Tatooweenies have a weakness that we can exploit?
ANAKIN'S MOTHER:
Well, they're all compulsive gamblers.
QUI-GON:
Good. Anakin has a pod, right?
ANAKIN:
Are you an angel?
QUI-GON:
Let's go see this alleged pod. The sandstorm is sure to be over by now--it's been, what, ten minutes?
EXT. ANAKIN'S BACK YARD.
ANAKIN:
See, this is my pod.
QUI-GON:
It's a piece of junk!
ANAKIN:
Oh yeah? You just wait till I grow up! I'm going to build the Death Star!
Anakin's friends gather around like a pack of loveable street urchins.
ANAKIN'S FRIEND #1:
Think you'll die this time, Ani? I'm betting on Sebulba.
ANAKIN:
Shut up or I'll squeeze out your soul with my unformed Jedi powers.
BABY GREEDO:
Ooh, you such a yokah, Ani, ho ho ho.
AUDIENCE:
Argh! That was the worst line ever! It can only get better from here.
ANAKIN:
Keep your tongue away from that power link, Jar Jar, or it'll go numb for hours, although I know it looks like it would actually lase your head off.
JAR JAR:
Oops. By tug. By tug id dub. Ad dow by had id duck.
Padme, who is really the queen, helps Jar Jar get his hand out of the turbine just before Anakin turns the pod on, unfortunately saving Jar Jar from a lethal dose of high voltage or at least a mangled arm.
AUDIENCE:
Damn. There's not enough violence in this movie.
C-3PO:
I find that Jar Jar creature rather odd.
R2-D2:
Beep beep. Let's kill him.
ANAKIN:
It works! It wooorks!
While Anakin is distracted, Qui-Gon creeps up and cuts a gash in Anakin's arm.
QUI-GON:
Whoopsie. I'll clean that up when we get home.
INT. SPACESHIP WHERE THE QUEEN IS CHANGING CLOTHES AGAIN.
The Wizard of Oz appears on the hologram communicator thingy.
WIZARD OF OZ:
You MUST help us! We're getting our ASSES kicked!
QUEEN:
Does this dress make me look fat?
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
This is kind of an insignificant scene, huh?
INT. WATTO'S SHOP.
WATTO:
So let me get this straight, you have no real money but all of a sudden you've got this pod and you want me to front the entry fee for the race. I don't think so. How did you get that pod, anyway?
QUI-GON:
I won it in a game of chance. I bet my hair. But hey, I'll give you this neato little thing that shows you a picture of a ship when you press its top. See?
WATTO:
Ooh, shiny. Okay.
EXT. SOME PLACE OUTSIDE OF THE TATOOINE SPACEPORT.
A little ship lands on the top of a cliff. The door opens and Darth Maul strides out, looking remarkably like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent. The inside of the ship is lit with really cool red light. Darth Maul looks around with some binoculars, then sends three flying droid things out to the spaceport.
DARTH MAUL:
Fly, my monkeys, fly!
A brown-robed man waving a lightsaber runs up. Darth Maul kills him and pushes him off the cliff.
DARTH MAUL:
Meow. Heh heh.
EXT. BACK TERRACE OF ANAKIN'S HOUSE.
Suddenly, it is nighttime. Qui-Gon is swabbing Anakin's cut arm with a cottonball or something.
QUI-GON:
Hold still, you little shi--I mean, you sure have a nice house for a slave.
ANAKIN, looking up at the sky:
Boy, look at all those stars! Do they all have systems?
QUI-GON:
They sure do, youngster.
ANAKIN:
When I grow up I'm going to visit every one of them and blow up all the planets. Ow, shit! What was that for?
QUI-GON:
Just checking your blood for infections, really. Standard Jedi first aid procedure.
ANAKIN:
Well, while you're poking at me can you find my transmitter?
QUI-GON:
Transmitter?
ANAKIN:
All slaves have a transmitter in them and if you try to leave, BOOM! It blows you up! Just like a planet!
QUI-GON:
You got issues, kid.
ANAKIN'S MOM:
Ani, stop playing with that strange man and come in to bed.
QUI-GON, speaking to Obi-Wan on the com-link:
I need a midichlorian count of this blood sample.
OBI-WAN:
You can't send solids through a com-link--well, I'll be damned, you can. Hey, the midichlorian count's off the chart! Boy, will Master Yoda be jealous--even he doesn't have a count this high!
QUI-GON:
No Jedi does.
OBI-WAN:
So what's that mean?
AUDIENCE:
He's not a Jedi!
ANAKIN'S MOM:
What are you talking about?
QUI-GON:
Oh, um, nothing. Hey, who did you say was Anakin's father?
ANAKIN'S MOM:
Er, he didn't have one. He's God. Anyway we only did it once so it doesn't count, right?
QUI-GON:
Right. Let's go to bed.
NEXT MORNING. POD RACE PLACE.
WATTO:
Hey, loser, you're gonna lose. I'm betting heavily on Sebulba.
QUI-GON:
I'll take that bet and raise you two slaves and a podracer.
WATTO:
Huh?
QUI-GON:
The boy and his mother against my pod that is actually the boy's pod but if I do that then you contribute the opening fee and if I lose you get my ship which isn't actually my ship because I stole it, so ha ha ha. I win both ways. Or I mean you win both ways. This offer void in states where prohibited.
WATTO:
Huh?
QUI-GON hands him a sheet of paper:
Just read this and sign at the bottom.
WATTO, reading the fine print:
No pod is worth two slaves!
QUI-GON:
Okay, the boy and half his mother.
WATTO:
No, wait, I just happen to have a chance cube right here in a little pouch. It's loaded but since you're a badass JEDI and stuff it won't matter. Blue the boy, pink. . . his mooooother.
Watto throws the di--er, "chance cube." Qui-Gon waves his hand and it lands on blue, to everyone's surprise.
WATTO:
Oh well, win some lose some. But it doesn't matter because Sebulba's pod is three times as big as everyone else's and he's gonna kick everyone's ass anyway. He always does. That's why Jabba dozes off halfway through the race.
Watto storms off. Flaps off.
QUI-GON:
You forgot your "chance cube."
Everyone else arrives on camels that aren't actually camels because they have elephant trunks.
ANAKIN:
So have you made a bet with Watto to free me if I win?
QUI-GON:
What gave you that stupid idea? No.
ANAKIN:
I think you have. I think black is a nice color. I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. Are you an angel?
QUI-GON:
Yes. Go check your pod in case there's something loose dangling off it.
The pods are towed onto the Nascar track by various animals. Despite the fact that there are thousands of spectators, Sebulba breaks a little dangly thing on Anakin's pod without anyone noticing.
ANAKIN:
Oh well, that'll add to the excitement. I'm still gonna win cuz I'm the Messiah.
QUI-GON, to Anakin's Mom et al.:
I got us seats at the top of this telephone pole thing. I didn't even have to pay because I have awesome Jedi mind powers.
PADME, who is really the queen:
This race is a really stupid idea. The "queen" won't approve.
QUI-GON:
So who's gonna tell her?
PADME:
Well, I don't approve, pout pout.
QUI-GON:
What are you gonna do, cry about it? This is the world's tiniest violin playing "I'm so sorry." Qui-Gon makes the world's-tiniest-violin gesture and accidentally blanks the minds of a few passersby.
The announcer, ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX:
Now we'll announce all the racers at great length, starting with Mr. Potatohead and proceeding on through little Anakin Skywalker. Here come the flags and stuff. Whoops, little Anakin's droid is freezing up as sand enters vital components. You'd better give your droid his gold things, little Anakin, ha ha ha ha ha!
EVERYONE IN THE BLEACHERS:
Ha ha ha ha ha!
The race starts. Anakin wins. Who here was surprised?
WATTO:
That wasn't a fair bet. You rigged it with your awesome Jedi mind powers!
QUI-GON:
Prove it.
WATTO:
Darn. Here's all my money and the deed to Anakin.
OBI-WAN joins them:
Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life form?
QUI-GON:
I've got some "business" to take care of. You go on back to the ship with the pathetic life forms we picked up on Naboo.
Qui-Gon and Anakin go to Anakin's house.
ANAKIN:
Look, Mom, we sold the pod and got all this money! Go buy yourself or something.
ANAKIN'S MOM:
You mean I'm not free too?
QUI-GON:
Well, I tried, but not very hard. Life's tough all over, huh?
ANAKIN'S MOM:
I will let my suffering ennoble me.
ANAKIN:
I can't do it, Mom! I can't leave! Hang on, I gotta go pack.
C-3PO, shaking the sand out of his head gyro:
Aren't you going to finish me, Master Anakin?
ANAKIN:
I'm sorry I wasn't able to put your gold things on, C-3PO, but frankly Mom didn't really need a protocol droid anyway.
Qui-Gon and Anakin leave the house.
ANAKIN:
Will I ever see you again, Mom?
ANAKIN'S MOM:
What does your heart say?
ANAKIN:
Thump-thump, thump-thump.
ANAKIN'S MOM:
No, no, use your awesome Jedi mind powers.
ANAKIN:
Um, hold on. Yes. No. Ask again later.
ANAKIN'S MOM:
There, you see?
EXT. DARTH MAUL'S SHIP.
DARTH MAUL:
Hmm, they're about to leave the planet. If I get on my Li'l Evil Motorcycle I can show up just in time to not quite have the final battle. Mrowl-rowl.
Two brown-robed men run up to Darth Maul, waving lightsabers. Darth Maul kills them with his ultra-cool double-edged lightsaber and pushes them off the cliff. Then he gets on his motorcycle and rides away into the sunset, off the cliff.
DARTH MAUL:
Aieeeee, forgot about the cliff! Don't I look like the author's evil cat? Especially the times he tries to jump up onto the bathroom sink and misses?
EXT. QUI-GON'S STOLEN SHIP:
ANAKIN:
I'm tired. Let's stop and rest even though the ship is only four seconds away.
QUI-GON:
Anakin, duck!
ANAKIN:
Quack quack.
Darth Maul swooshes over Anakin's head and somersaults impressively off his li'l motorcycle o' evil. He and Qui-Gon fight, but they're obviously not pulling out all the stops this time.
ANAKIN:
Whoa! I want to be just like him when I grow up! Except without the face paint!
QUI-GON:
Go get in the ship! I'll handle this.
Anakin runs to the ship while Darth Maul beats the shit out of Qui-Gon.
OBI-WAN, watching from the window:
Take off! We can lose him if we hurry!
IDIOT PILOT:
But he's got the map to Coruscant in his pocket.
OBI-WAN:
Damn.
DARTH MAUL:
I'm not going to kill you this time. You're not even trying.
Qui-Gon rolls on the ground, clutching at his groin. The ship swings around and picks him up.
QUI-GON:
I almost had him! Three more minutes, just three more minutes!
OBI-WAN:
Who was that masked man?
QUI-GON:
I don't know but he was very skilled in the Jedi arts. Probably a Sith lord.
OBI-WAN:
But there haven't been Sith lords for centuries!
QUI-GON:
There haven't been virgin births for even longer. It never rains but it pours.
ANAKIN:
Is that an example of Jedi philosophizing? Let me try it! "A stitch in time saves nine."
QUI-GON:
Nine what? Heh heh, little Ani has a lot to learn. Anakin, meet my apprentice Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, this is Anakin Skywalker. He will bring balance to the Force, after which we'll probably have to nail him to something.
ANAKIN:
Cool, another Jedi! I'm gonna kill you in a couple dozen years. My heart tells me so.
They take off.
ANAKIN, to Padme, who is really the queen:
Here, I made you a tacky thing to remember me by. I carved it myself in the last ten seconds.
PADME, who is really the queen:
Then why does it say "Made in Mos Eisley" on the back?
ANAKIN:
You find me hot, dontcha?
PADME, who is really the queen:
This whole thing is getting a little weird. I'm easily twice your age.
ANAKIN:
But I got lots of midichlorians.
IDIOT PILOT:
Hey, Anakin, want to try flying the ship?
PADME, who is really the queen:
Whew. You run along, Ani. Thank you, Idiot Pilot.
IDIOT PILOT, to Anakin:
So, son, ever been in a cockpit before? This lever turns on the headlights, and this little button here rings for the stewardess.
ANAKIN:
What's this one do?
IDIOT PILOT:
No! Er, we don't touch that one.
ANAKIN:
This thing controls the pitch, right?
IDIOT PILOT:
Heh heh, no, you little moron. That's the cigarette lighter. Look, here we are in Coruscant. The entire planet is one huge traffic jam. To the left of the ship you will see Chancellor Vellorum in his Chancellormobile. On the right is Senator Palpatine, wearing a lovely red robe with gold spangles, certain to be all the rage this year. Straight ahead of us is the historic Jedi Council Tower, where the greatest minds of the galaxy meet to discuss the Force!
They land on a platform conveniently the exact size for their stolen ship. Chancellor Vellorum and Senator Palpatine, otherwise known as the EMPEROR, meet them.
EMPEROR:
It's so good to see you alive, Queen. Let's go have a long boring conversation about politics.
VELLORUM:
Can I come?
EMPEROR:
No, we're going to talk about you. Here's a hint, I don't think you're in the next movie.
QUI-GON, to Vellorum:
I've got to see Yoda right now, okeeday? Shit, now I'm saying it too.
VELLORUM:
Roger roger. Wait, why are you ordering me around like you're some hotshot and I'm not the Lord High Chancellor of the Galactic Senate?
QUI-GON, waving his hand:
Yoda. Now.
VELLORUM:
Okay. My will is yours to control. Any laws you want passed?
QUI-GON:
Maybe later.
Exeunt omnes.
INT. JEDI TOWER.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan talk to the Jedi Council, which consists of Yoda, a token black guy, a token woman, some guy with a really really long neck who never speaks and waves his head back and forth like he's on drugs, a conehead, a furry guy, some guy who kinda looks like Yoda only not very much, and some other guys we don't remember.
QUI-GON:
I have encountered and almost defeated what I'm pretty sure is a Sith Lord.
YODA:
Pull the other one, bells on it has.
QUI-GON:
No really, he had this Sith Lord heavy metal make-up and everything. He looks like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent.
TOKEN-BLACK-JEDI MACE WINDU (I can't believe the co-author knew his name):
We thought the Sith had gone extinct years ago. We've had naturalists combing the rain forests for them and we haven't even found any tracks.
QUI-GON:
Well, you're really not gonna buy the next thing I'm about to tell you. I found this kid, you see, and he's got more midichlorians than blood. It's possible that the midichlorians actually conceived him and raised him from a very young age. He's God. Can I keep him?
OBI-WAN:
But I'm your apprentice!
QUI-GON:
Shut up, you're older than is strictly seemly. Isn't it time you graduated?
MACE WINDU:
Are you implying that this boy is the one who will bring balance to the Force?
QUI-GON:
No, no, of course not! That would be silly! I never meant anything like that!
YODA:
But you did! Clear your opinion is. Read your mind I can. Ewww!
QUI-GON:
Ahem. At least check the kid out, since we went to all the trouble of bringing him here.
Meanwhile, the Emperor is talking to the Queen, who may or may not be Padme at this point.
EMPEROR:
You'd better vote that lame duck Vellorum out. We need a new chancellor, a strong chancellor, a chancellor that eats his Wheaties.
QUEEN:
A chancellor who looks a lot like you?
EMPEROR:
Sure, why not? If the robe fits. . . .
Back at the Historic Jedi Tower, the Jedi Council test Anakin.
ANAKIN:
A ship. A speeder. A cup. Another ship.
MACE WINDU:
Which of these things is not like the others? Which of these things just doesn't belong?
ANAKIN:
A crazy straw. A potato peeler. The three of clubs. A dog. A sock. Two snakes doin' it. A roll of duct tape. An angel. Truth. Love. A teapot. A dark, menacing helmet. Another ship.
MACE WINDU gives Anakin a badge:
Congratulations. You're Boy Jedi for the day.
QUI-GON:
So are you going to train him?
MACE WINDU:
No. Duh.
QUI-GON:
Why not?
CONEHEAD GUY:
Look at him, he's ancient. We've gotta get 'em while they're still in nappies.
YODA:
Already filled with bad habits he is.
QUI-GON:
But-- but--
MACE WINDU:
Yoda told you NO, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin badass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
Everyone looks at Mace Windu.
YODA:
Look, level with you Qui-Gon I will. Grow up to be Darth Vader Anakin going to is. Kill him right now a good idea would be.
QUI-GON:
Aw, he's just a cute li'l kid. Look at those dimples.
YODA:
Much fear I sense in you, Anakin.
ANAKIN:
Well, duh, you just said you were gonna kill me. Asshole.
YODA:
Aha, and anger too! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, I palindrome I.
Cut to SENATE CHAMBER.
The Senate Chamber is comprised of thousands of bumper cars stuck to the walls. Senator Palpatine's bumper car has front-mounted blasters on it.
QUEEN, who is really the queen right now we think:
. . . And in conclusion I find this invasion abominable, intolerable, and just plain mean. I had to leave almost all my clothes behind!
ALIENS WITH NO NOSTRILS:
We object! There isn't any invasion!
VELLORUM:
Let's go send someone to check. It shouldn't take any more than ten years or so and then we can vote. Of course then our vote has to go through the Galactic House of Representatives and the Galactic Supreme Court, after which it must go through the Bureau of Galactic Traffic Safety to ensure full compliance with the standards set forth by the 107th Galactic Committee on Standards.
QUEEN:
Off with your head! Oh wait, we're a democracy. I call for a vote of no confidence. Throw that guy out.
EMPEROR, to the Queen:
This is the good part. Now they can elect a new chancellor, a strong chancellor, a chancellor who is really an emperor--er, a go-getter I mean.
EVERYONE IN THE BUMPER CARS:
Yea! Nay! General uproar!
E.T.:
Ouuuuch.
INT. SOME ROOM WHERE THE QUEEN IS, a little while later. The Queen is brooding. We are not sure if she is the Queen or Padme right now.
JAR JAR:
Hey, Queen. Meesa can cheer you up with meesa's idiotic prattling.
QUEEN:
I'm worried about someone getting at my clothes. What if those aliens try them on and rip the seams? Ewww, I can't believe I'm talking to a Gungan!
JAR JAR:
Gungans got a huge ferocious army. Meesa thinkin' that's why you no likum us, cuz we could kick your ass.
QUEEN:
Hmm. This gives me a clever idea.
INT. SOME HALLWAY OR SOMETHING.
OBI-WAN:
What did you have to go defy the Council again for? You're embarrassing me.
QUI-GON:
Too bad. I'm an older, wiser Jedi than you so I know that Anakin will grow up to bring balance to the Force.
OBI-WAN:
Yoda said he's going to go to the Dark Side and kill me.
QUI-GON:
Yes, I'm keeping that in mind too.
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY.
EMPEROR:
Hello, your highness. As I expected, I've been nominated to succeed Vellorum. When I am elected, I promise to lower taxes.
QUEEN:
Who else is nominated?
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
Some guy from Alderaan and some guy from somewhere else.
EMPEROR:
I'm having them killed.
QUEEN:
I want to go back to Naboo and get my clothes, okay?
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
No, your highness, it's far too dangerous. Oh, it's hard being the lone voice of reason.
EMPEROR:
I'd go with you but I have, um, important council business here and stuff. Right now, for instance, I have to put on my black hood and contact the aliens with no nostrils about your imminent arrival.
CAPTAIN T-B-G:
Black hood?
QUEEN:
Aliens with no nostrils?
EMPEROR:
Whoops, slip of the tongue. I mean I have to go grease some palms.
They get back in their stolen ship and go back to Naboo, which is apparently only a few minutes away. On Naboo they send Jar Jar to find the Gungans.
JAR JAR (emerging from swamp):
Theysa no there.
QUI-GON, to queen:
So what do we do about your clever plan now that all the Gungans are dead?
JAR JAR:
Theysa not dead, theysa just sleeping. Theysa musta gone to secret place. Meesa take you there.
SECRET PLACE, one second later. It is full of Gungans.
OBI-WAN:
Gosh, this sure is a secret place, hidden right here in the middle of these trees and stuff. We would never have found it without you.
BOSS NASS:
What yousa want?
QUEEN:
Um, we want, um, damn I forgot my lines. We want something, hang on.
PADME, who is really the queen:
Wait, I'm really the queen.
QUEEN:
Liar. Go clean a droid or something. I'm the queen.
PADME:
Nunt-uh. Give me that headdress.
QUEEN:
No! It's mine--ouch! You bitch!
OBI-WAN:
Cat fight! Cat fight!
PADME, who is really the queen and has the Queen's Headdress to prove it:
Okay, we need your help to throw the bad guys off the planet. Look, I'm kneeling down here in the mud and so is everyone else. I said, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE.
Everyone else kneels, except the Queen who is really Padme.
QUEEN, who is not the queen right now:
I'm not getting mud on my sixteenth favorite dress.
BOSS NASS:
Meesa liken diss. Okeeday, meesa will throw my faithful followers in front of thousands of ruthless battle droids to distract the aliens without nostrils so you can break into the palace. Slobbers.
EVERYONE:
Aw, he's so cute when he slobbers like that.
BOSS NASS:
Jar Jar, yousa were responsible for diss so meesa gonna make you a general.
Jar Jar has a heart attack from shock and dies.
AUDIENCE:
Really?
AUTHORS:
No, we were just kidding.
The Gungans march off to war. Fortunately someone has alerted the battle droids so they are there to meet them, because it would suck if they got to Battle Hill and there was no one to fight. Meanwhile, the Band of Intrepid Adventurers and the Queen sneak into the Palace. This involves killing a lot of droids but hardly any people so the video game won't get the dreaded "Humans Killed" rating.
PADME:
Let's split up so we can confuse the aliens.
QUI-GON:
Anakin, the safest place for you to hide is in the cockpit of this fighter.
ANAKIN:
As long as I get R2-D2. Uh oh, cool rolling droids that look like mechanical scorpions! I'd better shoot them with the ship's blasters. But I don't know what the trigger looks like. Is it this little switch? Whoops, no, that turns on the ship. Is it this round button? Nope, that's the cigarette lighter. Oh, it must be this big gun-shaped trigger thing. Hehe, take that, scorpion droid scum! I like killing things! Oh no, the ship's on auto pilot, conveniently flying me to the alien space station!
CUT TO EPIC BATTLE.
Droid #1:
We've been shooting for an hour and none of our shots can get through their shields.
Droid #2:
Hey, I know, we can walk through the force field and slaughter them all with alacrity.
Droid #1:
Roger roger.
CUT TO THE CASTLE.
Some doors open and Darth Maul is standing on the other side.
OBI-WAN:
I'll handle this.
QUI-GON:
Now wait a minute! I nearly had him last time. He's scared of me now.
DARTH MAUL:
Mrowl, fft fft.
They whip out their lightsabers and start fighting.
AUDIENCE:
Awright! This is great!
CUT TO EPIC BATTLE.
AUDIENCE:
Boo, this is boring!
The Gungans are in retreat although oddly enough we don't see many dead Gungans lying around.
JAR JAR:
Aiiieeee! Meesa hanging off a tank, just like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade!
SOME OTHER GUNGAN GUY:
Except that it is not even slightly as interesting. Jar Jar, it occurs to me that your best course of action at this point would be to use a boomah to destroy the tank.
JAR JAR:
Boomahs dangerous!
GUNGAN GUY:
Nonsense, they hardly ever kill anything but mechaneeks. Take it, wimp.
Jar Jar juggles the boomer amusingly, just as Crow T. Robot comes out of the tank.
CROW T. BATTLE DROID ROBOT:
Sizzle. Boom.
CUT TO ANAKIN.
ANAKIN:
Ooh, is that a droid command ship? That must be where we're headed. Artoo, get us off this auto pilot before we're both killed! Or I get killed and you just get blown up since you're not actually alive. One second later. Wow, you did it, Artoo!
AUDIENCE:
Boy, we were on the edge of our seats. Would the valiant little droid get them off auto pilot in time?
ANAKIN:
Whoops, we're surrounded by Crow T. Robots and the ship's overheated. I guess getting us off auto pilot wasn't such a hot idea after all.
CUT TO NABOO CASTLE.
Padme, who is really the queen, and her little group of anonymous bit characters are captured by the aliens without nostrils after rappelling up the side of the building with their Bat-Grappeling Hooks.
ALIEN #1:
Who are you!
PADME, who is really the queen:
I'm Padme. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
The queen, who is really Padme, runs up with her little group of anonymous bit characters from a different direction. We don't know how they got there, especially with the queen wearing that great big dress. It's not like she could rappel up the side of the building in that outfit.
ALIEN:
This one's a decoy! Go after the one dressed like the queen!
PADME, who is really the queen:
Here, Captain T-B-G, this is my secret gunholding place in the throne, because you never know when you'll need to kill some annoying royal subject. She throws Captain T-B-G a silver saltshaker, which they use to blast their way to freedom and take the aliens hostage. That was easy.
CUT TO ANAKIN.
ANAKIN:
What does this do? The fighter's windows go up and down. Hey, that fixed the ship! I'll shoot a lot and do some random damage.
One of Anakin's shots destroys the main reactor of the space station.
ANAKIN:
I didn't mean to do that but on the whole I guess it's probably just as well. I'll have to remember to put the main reactor of the Death Star in a really safe place rather than out in the middle of a hallway. Let's go, Artoo!
They race the explosion out of the space station, in grand Star Wars tradition.
CUT TO EPIC BATTLE.
All the battle droids sag and fall over.
JAR JAR:
They are broken! Yay!
GUNGANS:
Yay! Our numbers were decimated for no reason! We could have waited a few hours and no one would have died! Yay!
GEORGE LUCAS:
Okay, that's a wrap. Everybody go home.
AUDIENCE:
Dammit, what about the big fight between the Jedis?
CUT TO JEDI FIGHT.
The Jedi are stuck in little compartments formed by rhythmically opening and closing forcefields.
QUI-GON:
Dammit, I'm saving my game. Crouches down and pretends to go to sleep.
Darth Maul paces back and forth, exactly like the author's evil cat Saint Vincent when he can't get at a bug. Finally the forcefields open, but only long enough for Qui-Gon to run out into the room and Obi-Wan to run into the last little compartment so he can watch.
This is the coolest fight scene ever, including ones in movies that haven't even been made yet. Everyone is astonished when Darth Maul makes a neat little hole through Qui-Gon, especially the millions of people who got told what happens before they went to see the movie.
OBI-WAN:
Argh! I'm gonna get you for that! Now I have to train that little pipsqueak Anakin!
DARTH MAUL:
Heh heh. Rowl-mrowl.
The forcefields open again and Obi-Wan and Darth Maul fight some more. Obi-Wan ends up with his ass kicked too, hanging from a convenient precipice. Darth Maul knocks Obi-Wan's lightsaber down the hole and paces casually back and forth, taking playful swipes at Obi-Wan's unprotected head. This is just what the author's evil cat Saint Vincent would do if he ever defeated a Jedi, only Saint Vincent would also remember to use his awesome Jedi mind powers to pry Obi-Wan's fingers off the ledge. Or at least knock Qui-Gon's lightsaber down the hole too. Darth Maul could take lessons from my cat.
DARTH MAUL:
Now you see that evil must triumph, because good is dumb.
OBI-WAN:
Oh yeah? Don't move, you've got a wasp on your head. I'll get it off.
Obi-Wan jumps up, grabs Qui-Gon's lightsaber, and somersaults over Darth Maul's head, then slices him neatly in half. Darth Maul looks surprised, then topples over backwards.
OBI-WAN:
Meow.
QUI-GON:
I'm not dead yet. Train Anakin for me, okay? Can't seem to. . . die. Taking me. . . forever. I just want you to know that. . . that. . . .
OBI-WAN:
What? What?
Qui-Gon dies.
OBI-WAN:
Well, shit.
INT. CREMATION PLACE.
Qui-Gon's body is being cremated on the top of a pile of mangled brown-robed bodies.
ANAKIN:
Can I toast marshmallows?
MACE WINDU, to Yoda:
So it was a Sith lord. Boy, is there egg on my face.
YODA:
Always two Sith there are, never more never less. Except right after you kill one. Then there's less. Or maybe if you kill both, then there's none.
INT. JEDI COUNCIL TOWER:
YODA:
My pleasure it is to confer on you the level of Jedi Knight. Roll three six-sided "chance cubes" and add the total to your maximum hitpoints. You may now carry an additional weapon and have an extra 15 chance of success when climbing walls. You will receive your diploma in the mail within two weeks.
OBI-WAN:
Wow, cool. I can take an apprentice now, right? I'm going to train Anakin. Qui-Gon suckered me into promising, since he was dying and everything.
YODA:
Qui-Gon's stupidity I sense in you. Need that you do not. But okay, sure, why not?
FINAL SCENE. PAR-TAY on NABOO.
Everyone on the planet is at the big parade. There are horse statues on this big arch thing, although this galaxy doesn't have any horses. Just wanted to point that out.
QUEEN, who is really the queen:
Unfortunate hair, Anakin.
ANAKIN:
Yeah, Obi-Wan made me get it cut. I hafta look just like him now, like Liberace's protege.
The queen hands Boss Nass a disco ball.
GEORGE LUCAS:
Great, everyone. That was great. You know, this movie is closer to my original vision than any of the other ones. You know what I like best about it? I read about mitochondria in a back issue of Science Magazine and thought up this neat idea about how to water the Force down and make it stupid. Let's take a few hours and I'll tell you all about midichlorians. Hey--where is everyone going? Come back! I'm not done yet!
Everyone leaves.
THE END