Chapter twenty-four: cleared for magic

"Harry, can I have a word?" Sirius stuck his head around the door and Harry looked to Moony for permission. The professor nodded and Harry left his semi-transformed potato behind to follow his godfather up the stairs.

"What's up?" Harry asked, plopping down gracelessly into the armchair that Sirius waved to. The escaped convict smiled fondly at the teen and settled nervously onto the nearest bit of furniture, which happened to be a coffee table.

"Umm, you know how I've got an appointment with that Healer today?" Sirius began and Harry leaned forward, a glint in his eye as he interrupted.

"The appointment that you made a big fuss about not wanting anyone to come along or even wait for you outside the room? Nope, this is the first I've heard of it."

Sirius blushed. He had made a bit of an idiot of himself about not wanting anyone with him or waiting for him. He was going to be checked and possibly cleared for magic today, and he'd had a bit of a tiff with Moony over the werewolf's attendance. They'd made it up of course, though Sirius still seemed to have difficulty explaining properly why he didn't want his lover along.

"Yeah well…" he sighed and ran a hand through his already messy hair. The appointment was in twenty minutes time, and his courage had deserted him. Unfortunately he still didn't want his lover around - he wanted to be able to report good news after the fact instead of facing failure in front of the man at the centre of his world - but he did want company after all.

"Relax Padfoot, Moony and I thought this might happen. We even had a little bet on it. He's said I can come with you," Cub smirked at him and he closed his mouth.

"Bloody hell," he'd picked up that habit from their Pup and Harry laughed at him outright. Embarrassment rapidly faded to annoyance.

"Alright it's not that funny," he grumbled and played the sympathy card, "I just don't want to be alone."

Harry sobered and nodded. Sirius gave him a small smile and then the coffee table broke and ruined the moment completely.

"Good thing there's a healer coming," Harry snorted as he got up to help his godfather out of the wreckage.

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As usual the Healer said very little beyond orders such as turn your head and cough. Spell after spell was cast over him, and he had to hold his wand for a few, then put the wand aside and have them cast again. All in all he was very tired of being treated as nothing more than an interesting magical case, and more than a little embarrassed that he sometimes flinched from the simplest of spells. This was part of the reason he didn't want his lover to see him during the exam. Why he didn't mind that Harry saw him was complicated and not something he could fully explain even to himself.

"Very well Mr Black," the Healer hemmed after a moment, "I think we'll try you with a little spell again."

"Again?" it was the first time Harry had spoken since he'd entered the room and taken a seat by the door. The exam was always carried out in Sirius room, and he was usually in bed by the end of it.

"Mr Black has attempted magic the last two exams, and suffered a flashback in each," the Healer stated flatly, "In fact Mr Potter it would be best if you arranged a protective shield over yourself at this point - he can be violent."

"That won't be necessary," Harry's quiet reply stunned the Healer and had Sirius smiling in pleasure. His godson had nothing to fear from him - even if he was a little out of his mind. He shot Harry a grateful look, got a cheeky wink in reply and picked up his wand. Lumos was the simplest spell he could do, and last time he hadn't even passed out though the flashback was a particularly nasty one.

The truth was that using magic tended to make him panic - and he couldn't confess that to his more than patient lover. Remus deserved to have someone who was complete. Telling Harry his problem was the first step towards the painful necessity of breaking off his relationship with Remus. He was going to let the werewolf decide if he wanted a relationship with a Wizard that was afraid to use magic. The Veil had changed him - that was undeniable - and the changes had not been for the better.

"Lumos," his voice wavered in the still room and the tip of his wand ignited obediently. He didn't even feel tired, but the sight of that small light, created by an invisible force, one that he was connected to, one that he was channelling, one that had been used to condemn him and lock him away, one that had bled away his strength, his health, his life in an unstoppable, steady draw…

His chest tightened, his vision tunnelled and the walls closed in. Sirius flung the wand away and shrieked, phantom hands grabbing him, dragging him away to a place that was cold, forever cold and lonely, where there was no joy, only despair. He fell to the floor, still screaming, a part of him glad that there were silencing wards up, that Remus hadn't witnessed this each time.

Strong arms grabbed him from behind before he could topple over and he was pulled against a thin chest. He shuddered and wriggled his arms, wanting freedom, wanting to get away from the fear, knowing he was being a total idiot and unable to stop. Tears spilled down his cheeks even as he screamed for mercy, begged the phantom hands not to take him there.

"Hush, Padfoot, hush," the words were faint, and not the stunning spell that he was expecting, "Hush, Padfoot, hush."

Over and over the words came, gentle and warm, strength in them and love. The arms around him tightened protectively and rocked him away from the phantom hands. The band around his chest loosened and he drew in shuddering gasps of air, sinking back into the warmth the thin chest offered, squirming a little until he could hide his head on a shoulder. This was Cub, this was familiar and welcome and he wrapped a fist in Cub's shirt, seeking solace, seeking a miracle.

"Hush," the single word was breathed over his head and he hushed, his breathing slowing to normal, his memories returning to their rightful place. He sighed in time with the next hush and got a gentle squeeze as a reward. He floated in the peace and strength being offered, letting it pull him slowly back to what he laughingly referred to as his right mind.

"Padfoot?" the question was gentle, and he looked up obediently into the green eyes of his Cub, "Do you want to try again?"

Before he could make a decision either way his wand was summoned and held out silently. He took it with trembling fingers and bit his lip. Cub's arms remained wrapped around him and he pointed the wand away from them both.

"Lumos," the wand lit up and he shuddered, the arms that gripped him tightening. He held it for a moment and then loosened his grip, drawing an arm back to throw it away again. Quick as a flash, Cub's hand covered his, holding the wand steady as the light went out. Nothing was said, but he knew he had to try again. He didn't want this to beat him; he certainly didn't want to spend the rest of his life without any real magic. He wanted to be with Moony and Moony needed him to be a full Wizard.

"Lumos," he whispered and the light came back. His skin crawled but he managed to hang onto the wand this time, Cub's hand warm around his. There was subtle strength in that simple grip and Sirius sighed, drawing on it.

"Lumos!" the wavering light strengthened and shone brightly. He held it for a moment before extinguishing it, and then focussing on the pillow on his bed.

"Windgardium Leviosa!" the pillow wobbled into the air and hung there, all ungainly and soft for a moment before falling back to the bed. Something in Padfoot's head broke away, and he straightened up, trialling spell after spell, not really minding when Cub's hand slowly slid away from his, barely noticing when the bolstering arm slipped away too. He climbed to his feet, casting firmly, moving from simple spells to more complex, feeling his magic warp and bend to his will, completely under his control.

The block had broken. Sirius Black was back! Look out world!

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