Enjoy!

This book does in everyway express the views and opinions of its author.

Warning!

The unathourized reproduction of this copyrighted work is illegal and just sick and unnatural if you think about it. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to five years in federal prison and or losing an ear, eye, arm, or leg, or being locked in a room for an hour with a lion, or a $250,000 fine. Ouch .Say goodbye to that new house you were planning on buying.

Due to some violence, crude humor, and stupidity reader discretion is advised.

Who lives in a 5-foot tall house on Hobbit Avenue?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And killed an elf with just his shoe?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

His last words to the elf were "You meanie"

FRODO-BAGGINS!

Then Eragorn pulled up in a lamberghini.

FRODO-BAGGINS!

The Lord of the Rings the real story

The Two Towers

"Eragorn!" shouted Frodo, "What the heck are you doing here?" Before he could answer, Gandolf said, "I have been searching for you my whole life. I know you have the power within you." "What, you mean I can dodge arrows?" asked Eragorn. "No, Eragorn, I'm telling you that when you are ready, you won't have to," said Gandolf. "Can somebody please tell me what is going on here?" asked Sam. You see folks, Sam is one of those people who get really ticked off when they don't know what's going on. You should have seen him this one time when he and Frodo went to the Bahamas. They met this chick at a restaurant and…….well……. never mind. Back to the story: Gandolf answered Sam, "Eragorn must now come with us." "What are we going to do with him?" asked Frodo pointing to Gimli.

Note: If you are a sensitive reader and have problems with fat people being thrown off a cliff, then I suggest that this book may not be your best choice.

The four of them started walking. They were off once again to rent a car. Frodo looked at Sam, Sam looked at Eragorn, Eragorn looked at Gandolf, Gandolf looked at the sun, the sun turned around and looked away from the earth and everyone froze to death.

Mount Everest: 9:41 p.m. 2005

"Sir, you had better take a look at this," said a voice. "What is it?" asked another voice. "I believe it's the people from the book my kid has," said the first voice. "The Lord of the Rings?"Asked the second voice. "No you fool, "Harry Potter". Yes! The Lord of the Rings." "Sometimes I just don't know know what to do with you."

"But really, look. They're frozen!" said the first voice. "I know," said the second voice." "That's really getting annoying!" said the first voice "What?" asked the second voice. "The way the author keeps refering to us as voice one and voice two. That really hurts my feelings! You don't even think we're eligible for real names. I have a name you know!" "Oh really?" asked the author. "Yeah, it's Jeff. And my friend over here, he has a name to, ah huh! It's Pete. So I demand that you refer to us as our real names or else!" "Or else what?" asked the author. "Or else, I'll quit being a character, and I'll tell everybody, including Bryan, Kristie, and Erica not to read this book!" "Noooooo!" shouted the author. "Allright I'll call you by your names."

Jeff looked at Pete and said that they should break the ice and release the hobbits. He agreed. They both took out their pocket knives and started carving the ice away. They carved and they carved some more. And some more. It was now sunrise and it was just about broken. Sweat dripped slowly off their heads, they were so close. The Hobbits twitched slightly. They started to come out and…….

We interrupt this book for an important message!

"Good evening, I'm Happy Face along side here with Veronica Imsuchachick. We have some breaking news. Veronica" "Thanks Happy. A giant Panda Bear just escaped from the zoo, with two bear cubs, and according to zoo owner Charles Moneyman, the Panda also set free a rare baboon, a fifty foot tiger, and a man-eating giraffe. So if animals break into your house later tonight, just don't say we didn't warn you." Veronica giggled, as if trying to impress Happy. "And now back to your program. Or book. Whatever."

"Well if you ask me folks, I'd say Veronica is terrible at flirting," said the author." "Oh right, you want to see what happens to your little hobbit friends. Okay, fine. Here's the rest."

The Hobbits were once again reunited. Jeff and Pete explained what happened and flew them to Chicago.

"I don't think the Ringraiths are still alive anymore, but who knows these days. Right?" Jeff told them. "You have to be careful. 2005 is very different than the Second Age, or whenever the hell you lived," Pete explained. He gave them a hotel room, and the two mountain climbers went back to Mount Everest. "Well, isn't this exciting!" exclaimed Sam. "1805. Wow." "I believe he said 2005," corrected Frodo. "That's what I said," said Sam.

The next morning, when Frodo was checking his e-mail, they had awful news. "I just received an e-mail saying that our friends passed away," said Frodo. "It's okay, we never liked them anyway, remember?" Sam stated. "No, not Marry and Pippin! Jeff and Pete!" Frodo exclaimed.

"I will be a mess when Merry and Pippin die," Eragorn mourned and whined. "They are the only ones that I would always drink with every Monday and watch the Philadelphia Eagles lose continously and they were always there to cheer me up and that one time the Packers played them and Green Bay won 717 to 21 he made dirty jokes about the Packers and……." WHACK! Frodo slapped him hard. "Get a hold of yourself, man!" Eragorn now laid on the floor of the Hotel room knocked out.

Frodo sadly continued, "Anyway, Jeff and Pete died in a peaceful way. They just fell from about 1,500 ft. and landed on some spikes," Gandolf and Sam looked traumatized. "Do you want to see the pictures?" "No!" shouted Gandolf and Sam in a more of a frightened "no honeslty don't show me!" type of way rather than in an angry way.

"Well, I think we should call it a night," Gandolf yawned. "But Ganny, it's only 1:10 in the afternoon." said Sam. Just then a blood thirsty giraffe broke in. They all screamed. "What Should we do?" asked Frodo. "Let's go….. sshhhhoopppiinngg!" Gandolf yelled like a teenage girl. They both stared at him. "Okay……" Frodo agreed.

They left the hotel room and Frodo could have sworn he saw Spider-man whizz by on his web. No literally, "whizz by". If you know what I mean. Kidding, Kidding. "Hey! Did you guys see that? It was him. Spider-man!" Frodo told them. "Uhh…….Frodo? I think the coldness is getting to you," Gandolf said worried. "Yeah, definetely," agreed Sam. "Spider-man lives in New York; we're in Gichago." "Umm, actually my point was he doesn't exist, and it's Chicago, Sam, Chicago. Say it with me, Chi-ca-go," Gandolf was saying.

Frodo was laughing so hard at Sam. "I wouldn't be laughing so much, Junior," said Gandolf. "This is a dangerous city. You wouldn't want to give the appearance of you being some clueless guy that would be an easy mugging victim." "Please, in Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns," Eragorn said. "We're in Chicago for crying out loud! Not Gichago! Not Sicily!" shouted Frodo. "Besides if any gang approached us I'd just use one of the 9mm handguns that Jeff gave us. But anyway, I'm serious. I know I saw Spider-man." "Maybe you're hallucinating," Eragorn said. "What have you whiffed, or smoked recently?" "I'm not on drugs, you idiot!" exclaimed Frodo. "Denial. One of the most tragic stages for all addicts," stated Eragorn.

The four continued walking, but the nearest mall wasn't for at least another 2 miles. Just then, they realized a car was following them. Gandolf said, "We gotta do something about this.

He stopped walking and turned around. "Hey!" Gandolf shouted at them. "You homies got a problem?" "Oh no, no problem, we're just gonna rob you," said one of the gangsters. "Say what?" questioned Gandolf. In the blink of an eye, the two gangsters in the passenger seats pulled out zmg machine guns and started shooting. The four hobbits ran for cover behind a dumpster. The dumpster walked away when he was done with his business. "Dang he made a mess. And.. Ah…that smells," said Sam. They then took cover behind a dumpster dumpster (where trash is kept).
Gandolf grabbed the bag that had the handguns and took the guns out. "Take one, pass it down, no fighting over them, everyone will get one," Gandolf said. "Just like old times." Gandolf loaded two pistols and, with one in each hand, shot back. He gave them two flat tires and shot one of them in the head. "Crud, I'm out of ammo!" Gandolf shouted. Frodo and Sam, though they only had one pistol each, came out of cover at the same time shooting back. Frodo shooting the second guy, and Sam shooting a third tire. They sumersaulted back behind the dumpster. The driver tried to drive away but only went about 2mph because three of his tire's were shot. Before he could get away Eragorn popped up and shot the front part of the car exploding the engine. "Way to go everybody," said Gandolf. "Drinks on me!"

Nobody was really in the mood for a drink. So they all just kept walking towards the mall. Out of nowhere, a guy came up to them and tried to mug Eragorn. But he was no competition against Frodo's fast hands. Frodo snatched a gun and shot the guy in the leg. And unfortunately, "the guy" was Eragorn. "Holy Crap! You shot me!" yelled Eragorn. "Sorry, it was an accident," apoligized Frodo. He reloaded and shot the mugger in the arm. "Aghhhhh!" the mugger cried. He ran away. "There's a lot of street crime here," Frodo said. "I think he needs a band-aid," said Sam, pointing to Eragorn. Gandolf gave Eragorn a band-aid.

They finally reached the mall. Right when they walked in, they saw a sign. It read:

Kind Of imporTant

There will be a reward of $150,000 to whoever can climb to the top of either one of The two towers.

They all stared in awe and excitement at the sign. Except for Gandolf. He stared in awe and excitement at the sign next to it:

The New Miss America Barbie Set.

Like wow!

They all agreed that Frodo should do it, even though he really, really didn't want to. So, the next day Frodo climbed and he climbed and he climbed. He was doing a great job until he thought about the way Jeff and Pete had died. And he realized how steep the tower was. He looked down. Eragorn looked like an ant. Frodo didn't want to think about it. I mean after all, it's not Eragorn's fault he drank a weird liquid mistaking it for mountain dew and turned into an ant-like mutated freak. Frodo almost slipped, but caught himself. Within another five minutes he was at the top! Sam, Gandolf, and Eragorn cheered, but Frodo couldn't hear them from way up there.

But then, Frodo felt a weird feeling. A feeling he hadn't felt in a very long time. "I probably shouldn't have had those three Pepsi's," He thought to himself. Well, it'll take too long to go back down..so………………………………..Ah. He felt much better now. What he didn't realize was that he was facing the wrong direction. He had gone right above his three friends. Gandolf and Sam looked up. "Aghh," shouted

Sam and Gandolf.

Eragorn dodged it all.

Copyrighted 2005. You can't copy it sorry.