THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!!

The following book is rated "R" for Ridiculous .

- contains violence

- contains language

- contains a large intake of booze

may contain the following:

- fluffy rabbits

- your daily nutritional value of stupidity

Who lives in a five foot tall house on Hobbit Avenue?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And who's been in a couple of gang wars too?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

Who climbed atop one of the two towers?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

And gave his friend's a little shower?

FRODO-BAGGINS!

The Lord of the Rings the real story

The Return of the king

J.R.R. Joke-ian

After Frodo won his $150,000, him and his friends rented another car (this time a Lamborghini Gallardo;) ). They then went to celebrate at a close-by bar. You all can probably guess what happened after that. Frodo called a cab to pick them up (or at least he tried to…). "Can you…please.. pick me up¿?" poor drunken Frodo asked over the phone. "What? Who's this? What's goin'on? Where are you?" questioned the voice from the phone. "You've.. got.. questions, we've got answers," said Frodo. "What? If this is Radioshack, Stop calling me!" said the voice from the phone. Whoever Frodo accidentally called now hung up. "I guess we'll have to drive to the hotel room ," Frodo told the others.

They all dizzily walked out of the bar and into the Lamborghini. "Get us there safely," said Gandolf. "Get us there fast," said Eragorn. "Can we stop at McDonald's?" asked Sam. "Not now, Sam," Frodo said rather annoyed. They all belted in and Frodo hit the gas. "Aghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"they all screamed. Frodo picked up speed like crazy. They were soon going over 130 mph. He screeched in a fast turn, dodged an old lady crossing the street, and ran a red light. "Aghhh!!!!!!!!!!" everyone continued to scream. He soon was not even on the road anymore. They were now driving on the sidewalk and Frodo ran over a mailbox and sent a fire hydrant flying into the air. "GEEZ, Mr. Frodo! Would you slow down?" shouted Sam. "We're doin' fine. I'm not even goin' that fast," said Frodo. The speedometer had burst. They were heading right for a pole going over 150. "Oh….crap!!" shouted Sam and Eragorn at the same time. Gandolf had fallen asleep. Frodo swerved around it two inches in time. He slammed on the brakes. "Well, we're here," he said. The others let out a huge sigh of relief, except for Gandolf, who simply let out a huge snore.

The next morning, their was a loud knock at the door. Everyone had collapsed the previous night in various places. Frodo, hanging half way off the couch with a bottle of beer in his hand, twitched, but still remained sleeping. The knock became louder. He woke up and slowly walked to the door. He opened it and almost had a heart attack when he saw who it was. "Hey Frodo!" shouted Pippin obnoxiously . "How've you been?" asked Merry. He slammed the door on them without saying a word, and crawled back onto the couch. "You can't hide forever, you no good piece of hobbit rubbish!" shouted Merry.

A few hours later, they returned with an axe and gun. "Heeeeere's Meerryy!!!" Merry shouted as he chopped the door to bits with his axe. He pulled out the gun and walked in, Pippin following close behind. He firmly gripped the gun, not knowing what to expect or who he'd have to shoot. "My god!" said Merry as he saw Gandolf sitting up against the wall, drooling massively in his sleep, Eragorn and Sam lying on the floor over each other, and Frodo on the couch. "They've been drugged!" exclaimed Pippin.

They immediately woke them up and dusted them off. "Thanks," said Frodo, "We don't know what we'd have done without you." "Wait a minute. It's Merry and Pippin!" shouted Sam. They were all happy to be reunited and introduced Eragorn. "Hold up. How did you manage to stay alive all these years?" questioned Frodo. "I……don't quite know the answer to that. But hey, if we were dead the author wouldn't have had much of an idea for another book, now would he?" said Merry slyly.

They all sat in the living room to have a chat. "Well, pointing out the plotholes in this piece of crap the author calls a book is making me thirsty," Merry said. "What have you guys got to dri-?" "That's nice, Merry," said Frodo interrupting," I have to admit we have had a bit of trouble adjusting to our new lifestyle here in the future." "But Mr. Frodo won us $150,000 so that should change a lot," Sam explained. "You dumb little twit. You shouldn't have told them about the money. Now we have to split it six ways. "You're so stupid, Sam!" exclaimed Frodo. There was a long moment of silence….. "I love you, Mr. Frodo," said Sam.

Frodo, Gandolf, Eragorn, and Sam decided to let them stay. "Well, you guys would be surprised how much there is to learn in this amazing world! It's a lot different then before. We've been going to school. Would you like to join us?" asked Merry. "What's the point?" asked Gandolf, "My intelligence is just fine." "What's 5 x 10?" asked Merry. Gandolf looked so confused he started jumping off the couch and having minor seizures trying to think of the answer and was banging his head on the wall. "Yup, he hasn't changed a bit," Pippin pointed out. They agreed to go to school…………………..DUN DUN DUN!!!!!

They next day they arrived at school. "This is going to be so fun," thought Eragorn. "It is for the most part," said Pippin. Merry quickly added, "The only person you have to watch out for is Mrs. B-," he was interrupted by a teacher. "Why hello boys, what are you talking about? Huh? The answers to the test we have today?" asked Mrs. Bitterton. "We have a test today??" asked Merry and Pippin. "Damn, they weren't supposed to find out until today's class period," Mrs. Bitterton said. She gave them a cold, evil look and said, "You didn't hear anything. Move along."

The time came for Mrs. Bitterton's class to start. They all walked slowly together toward the door. Merry said, "On the other side of that door is one of the worst things known to man. It's something that we may not live through. It's truly very disturbing. On the other side of that door….. is Bitterton." "Hurry up you little weasels," said Mrs. Bitterton. They all sat down. Mrs. Bitterton went to the door and locked it.

"Good morning, class." There was silence. "Good morning class," she (maybe even a he) said again. Nothing but silence. She smiled. "GOOD MORNING CLASS!!!!!" she shouted louder than ever. They all, out of extreme fear, managed to say good morning. "Now today we're going to learn geometry," she said. She continued talking and wrote on the chalkboard.

"Wow, she's mean," whispered Sam to Frodo from the back of the class. She immediately stopped talking. She turned around. "Oh dang!" thought Sam to himself. She walked toward him. Faster and Faster she came closer and closer to him. She stood in front of him looking furious. She put the chalk in front of him and broke it trying to intimidate him. "You wanna talk, you do it after school!" You will see me after class!" "Okay," he said. "WHAT???," she asked. "You do not say 'okay' until after I am finished speaking!" she shouted. "You will see me after school !" "How would you like a detention as well? How'd you like to wash my car after school?"

Before he could answer, something caught Mrs. Bitterton's eye. A boy across the room was playing his game boy advance. "Oh No!" the boy thought to himself when he realized he had been caught. She walked over to him, forgetting about Sam. "Ah, you're a level 42," she said. "I'm only a 27. Give me that thing." She grabbed it out of his hands and tried to boost her level.

The bell rang. Everyone started to get out of their seats. "Hey, nobody moves until I say so!" she said. "Or better yet, until the game boy advance says so. Nobody leaves until I boost my level!" "This should be awhile," said Gandolf. And it was…..THE END…………..of class took forever to come.

Four hours and twelve beers later, all six of them were finally on their way back to the hotel. "I don't know how you put up with that woman!" said Eragorn. "Spare change?" asked a bum on the street. "Sure here you go," said Pippin stupidly as he pulled out $8,000 from Frodo's backpack. "Why thank you, sir," said the bum, "And oh just for giving me this…well..were you talking about Mrs. Gorgianettaion Bitterton?" "Her name's Jerajinat?tionshum¿wha..???" asked Eragorn. "Yes that was who we were talking about," Frodo said. "Well, I know how you can get her to quit her job forever," said the bum. "But nobody must ever know about it." They agreed. The bum took out a piece of paper and a pencil and scribbled down instructions for them. He folded the paper up and slipped it in Frodo's pocket.

They came up to a building that said "Non-alcoholic beer factory" in huge letters. In letters microscopically small it said "a.k.a. Dufresne Businesses". Frodo said, "Dufresne!" "Gesundheit," said Gandolf. "That's it, that's the one," said Frodo. They entered the building. There was a man that greeted them. "How can I help you?" he asked. "We were thinking of setting up some kind of way so that our teacher would quit her job forever," explained Frodo. "I see. Well, let's take a seat and talk it over," said the man. "Do you have the password?" Frodo took out the piece of paper the bum had given to him and read the password on it, "14322lock78howry6snufflebuffle0555-0123brickenbracket." "That's the weirdest password I've ever heard," said Pippin.

The man gave Frodo a box with pills inside. "Give one of these to your teacher. It'll brainwash her and give her a complete new memory. In that new memory, she will hate teaching, be a lot nicer, and have a particular care for fluffy rabbits. Gandolf let out a huge grin. "Yeah, don't get any ideas there, Ganny" said Eragorn. "Thank you very much, sir. How much do we owe you?" "Nothing, but I do have another little something for you," the man said.

He took out a CD with him on the front. It appeared to be a rap CD and it was titled, "Gettin Schnelly with it." "Uh…..no thanks," said Frodo. "Please take it. After my girlfriend left me, My psychiatrist told me I should let out my emotions in an artistic way," said the strange man. They still did not have any interest. "Take it!!!!!!!" the man shouted." Sam grabbed it and they all sprinted out of there like a bat outta……Hobbiton. They could hear the man laughing evilly from inside. THE END………………………of their meeting was over.

The next day they were off from school but Mrs. Bitterton had a first grade class to teach. They put their ears to the door and could hear their teacher begin to read a story to the young class. She read, "There was once an elf named Doofus. Doofus did not care for the world. So one day, he mugged a lady. He counted the money he got from her and found out he only got four bucks in change. #!$ !$#$#&!#&. He began to shout. The next day he died trying to rob a bank. The End." The kids were extremely frightened.

Frodo, Sam, Eragorn, Gandolf, Pippin, and Merry decided now was the time they should make their move. Frodo snuck around her desk and hid behind it while Eragorn, Gandolf, and Sam distracted her. "What the hell are you doing here? There's no class for you today," she told Gandolf, Eragorn, and Sam. "Oooooooooh." The kids scolded here for swearing. "Oh shut the hell up!" she said to her kids. Frodo then took her glass of liquor that was on the desk and put the pill in it. She went over to it to get a drink and saw the pill. She looked around and saw Frodo hiding behind the desk.

She went over to the class closet, where she hid all her weapons. She took out a sword and threw over the desk exposing Frodo. "No don't!" exclaimed Pippin and Merry as they ran into the classroom. "I'm not going to kill him. I'm just going to take a foot off of him. A hobbit can still study with one foot," said Mrs. Bitterton. She chopped off his foot. "Holy Hotmail Hamster from Holland!!!!!!!!!" Frodo shouted, grabbing the lower portion of his leg where his foot once was. Sam, Merry, and Eragorn ran over to Frodo while Gandolf and Pippin found an interesting book to read about ponies from the classroom.

Frodo picked up his foot and gave it to Sam. "I can't carry that foot for you, Mr. Frodo. But I can carry you," said Sam. He picked him up and headed toward the door. He paused when he saw the pony book. He dropped Frodo and ran to join Gandolf and Pippin. "This one's called a Noma," said Gandolf. "No way!" exclaimed Sam, "That's my mother's name." "No……Because that's……my…..wife's…..name," said Gandolf. "I'm gonna pretend I never heard that," Sam said. "Yeah, good idea," Gandolf quickly added. "Will you idiots hurry up?" shouted Eragorn from outside the classroom. They all ran out and headed back to the hotel. "And never come back!" shouted Mrs. Bitterton.

Frodo was sweating and freaking out. "Calm down," said Merry. "Everything will be fine, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, "Listen. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and your gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady….I'm sorry…I meant to say man, I really did." He cracked up laughing, but looked around to find nobody else was. He cleared his throat and continued…. "warm in your bed, but not here….not this hotel. Not like this do you understand me? Promise me, Frodo, and never let go of that foot. Got it? Never let go." "Very inspiring words, Sam," said Eragorn. "Yeah I was just reading off this original script of titanic I got from ebay. Whatever it is, you can get it here," Sam said with a bright, shiny smile, giving a thumbs up.

Frodo recovered fine and the next day, they decided to give the pill a second chance. Frodo stayed while the others sneaked back to the school. "Wait a second," said Eragorn, "Why has the flag with Mrs. Bitterton's face on it replaced with that flag over there?" He pointed to a flag with Big Bird on it. They peeked into the classroom and could see Mrs. Bitterton tied to a chair with tape over her mouth. The first graders were marching back and forth with M16s in their hands. "I don't know but I been told, this shit's getting' really old," the kids sang. Eragorn, Gandolf, Sam, Merry, and Pippin burst into the classroom. "What's going on?" asked Merry. The leader of the kids answered, "We couldn't put up with her being mean to us anymore. So we opened her weapons closet and took over the school." "Why the hell didn't we think of that?" asked Eragorn. "Oh well, they did us a favor," said Pippin. "I wanted her to like fluffy rabbits!!!!" shouted Gandolf. The others left while Gandolf stayed and threw a fit.

A few days later, they decided to listen to the CD that the girlfriendless dude at the "non-alcoholic beer factory" had given him. "It is Hanukkah season and the CD did say it featured the song: "Eight days of annoyance," said Pippin. "Why, are you Jewish?" asked Frodo. "I used to be. But I traded it for an X-box," said Pippin. Pippin put in the CD. The song played with the man singing: "On the first day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the second day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….two prank calls and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the third day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the fourth day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the fifth day of Hanukkah my ex truelove gave to me….fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the sixth day of Hanukkah, my ex true love gave to me….six mosquitoes-a-sucking, fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the seventh day of Hanukkah, my ex true love gave to me….seven deadly snakes, six mosquitoes-a-sucking, fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my palm tree.

On the eighth day of Hanukkah my ex true love gave to me….eight geese-a-crapping, seven deadly snakes, six mosquitoes-a-sucking, fiiivvvveee golden boogers, four hate notes, three counterfeit checks, two prank calls, and a dead gopher in my….palm…..tttttrrrrrreeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The song ended. "I feel bad for that guy," said Eragorn. There was a long moment of complete silence………. "I wonder if that was based on a true story," said Sam.

THE END

Real author: Alex Martinez, hoped you all enjoyed this series, it's been fun to work on…...If you can read this, you don't need glasses

A/N: Okie dokie that was the last chapter! In the story he says Mrs. Bitterton but really its any teacher that you totally hate with a burning passion. So Mrs. Bitterton equals all hated teachers! I hope you enjoyed Alex's story! Review for him so he knows what you think!

-OneWhoNeedsTherapy