Disclaimer: refer to chapter one
NOTE TO READERS: After careful thought and consideration I have decided to stick with the original planned arc for this story which doesn't mean anything bad, it just means that there is an end in sight for this story. There are still a handful of chapters planned before this will be complete. Of course, I know this will disappoint some readers, but look on the bright side because this means once the story is finally done it will allow me to write some more SN stories when the urge strikes.
Thank you to every reader that takes the time to leave your thoughts and comments after a chapter. I appreciate it.
Chapter Twenty-four
Not Enough
By Dawn Nyberg
"…there's nothing to lose, 'cause it's already lost…" Excerpt by Kansas, Fight Fire with Fire
"Come on Sammy answer your damn phone," Dean hissed as he paced in the kitchen.
"Dean relax," John urged his son. "He just a little late."
"A little dad? Try two hours. You're not worried?"
"I didn't say that, but …"
"But? But what? Look he's not picking up. I keep getting his damn voice mail."
"He said he was going to the library after class and his tutor session," John offered.
"Yeah, to make copies. That doesn't take two hours, and it for damn sure doesn't explain why he isn't picking up his phone."
"Dean," John's voice was soft.
"No," Dean interrupted. "I'm going to campus to look for him." His father looked at him. "What? You got a better idea?"
"No," John replied. "Fine, go look for him. I'll stay here in case he calls." Dean nodded as he grabbed his keys and headed to his car.
Jefferson Community College Quad
Dean entered the library and went to the desk. There was a young student worker on duty. "Can I help you?" she smiled at Dean. He didn't have time for a flirty girl.
"Yeah, I hope so," he began. "Um, I'm lookin' for my brother. He might have been in here earlier … tall, shaggy brown hair, tan jacket and a backpack." Dean looked at her with hopeful eyes.
"Yeah, I think earlier, I was checking some books out for a person, but yeah I think I might have seen someone like that."
"Great, did you happen to see him leave?" She thought for a moment.
"No, I usually look up because the security turn style leaving always beeps as a student passes through it to exit. Ugh, I think he went that way toward the private study rooms, but I don't remember seeing him again. But, I'm not even sure it was your brother."
"No, thanks really," Dean offered her a quick smile. "Thanks. The study rooms are they that way?" He pointed in their general direction.
"Yeah, just go back and to the right. The rooms have private cubicles and are sound proof. It's mostly quiet on Wednesday evenings, so they should be pretty empty."
"Thanks."
"Sure thing. Good luck." Dean nodded and went in search of Sam. His big brother radar had been on high alert ever since his brother was late. He knew Sammy would have caught the 6:00 PM bus to meet his transfer bus, and when Sam hadn't arrived home he had immediately called his little brother's cell phone and when he didn't answer that's when the concern had edged into panic. Dean walked with purpose toward the study area. He walked past a few glass cubicles and finally noticed the chestnut mop of hair he knew so well peeking up from behind a privacy partition in the very last study cubicle. Sam's head was bowed in his hands. Dean opened the door and Sam's head remained down.
"Sammy?" he asked quietly.
"Sss…sorry, I ddd…didn't call," he stammered still keeping his head down. Dean heard the wet sound behind his brother's words and knew his brother had been crying at some point.
"Hey, Sammy," Dean's said as he walked over to his brother and kneeled down beside him. "You're not an easy fellow to track down kiddo," he offered lightly trying to make his brother look up at him. "I had to play Perry Mason with the library chick up front. I tried to call," he offered.
"Ttt…turn off cell phh…phones in thh…the library. It's a rrr…rule." Dean smiled despite the obvious emotional state if his brother. Even upset his little brother followed the rules.
"Sammy?" Dean rested his hand on top of his brother's unruly mop of hair. "You wanna tell me what's going on?" Dean lifted his hand and reached for a spare chair and pulled it over to sit next to his brother. Sam shook his head. "Come on, Sam, I can't help you if I don't know what the problem is," Dean replied lightly. Sam remained silent.
"Did you have trouble with class today or your tutor?" Dean decided if Sam wasn't going to talk he'd try trouble shooting with question prompts.
"Nnn…no," Sam answered.
"Come on Sammy, cut your big brother a break here. You had me worried sick. Dad's at home sitting by the phone in case you call or come home while I'm out looking for you." Sam reluctantly raised his face from his hands and looked at his older brother. Dean looked at Sam's flushed face and bloodshot eyes that still bore the glassy remnants of tears long ago spent. "Sammy," Dean cooed softly. "What is it kiddo?"
"Phh…phone call…" Sam began and stopped.
"Huh? Phone call? You call someone?" Sam shook his head. "Okay, did someone call you?" Sam nodded. "What about?"
"Sss…Sar…ah," Sam replied with a haunted look. Dean's mind was reeling. Oh Christ, his mind spat. Please, let her be okay. If something happened to her … if the Demon…Dean's mind raged. He spoke calmly to his brother.
"Is Sarah okay?" Sam shrugged. Okay, that's not the response I was expecting, Dean thought. "Sammy was it Sarah that called you?" Sam scooted his phone over to him and turned it on. Dean pulled up the missed calls and back tracked through the eleven missed calls from him earlier, and then there it was: Sarah Blake. "Did you talk to her?" Sam shook his head vehemently. "What? Why not?"
"Www…what www…would I sss…say? I ccc…can't even sss…say her name without sss…sounding like …"
"Without sounding like what Sammy?" Dean's tone was warning. He hated when his kid brother bad mouthed himself.
"Sss..stu…pid," Sam offered as he let his eyes drop down to stare at his folded and fidgeting hands. "Shh…she nnn…not know." Sam's speech was fragmenting and Dean reached out a hand and placed it comfortingly on his little brother's shoulder.
"Easy Sammy," he encouraged. "It's okay. You're okay."
Sam turned agonized eyes to his older brother. "Nnn…no nnn…not okay. Shh…she not know. Ccc…can't ttt…talk right," Sam's words fragmented and rushed on top of each other.
"Hey, hey kiddo," Dean soothed. "Calm down Sammy. It's okay. We'll work this out." Sam shook his head.
"Work whh…what out?" He hissed. "Ccc…can't fff…fix me."
"Sam," Dean's tone dropped a little as he studied his brother. "There isn't anything to fix Sammy." Dean asserted. "You're not broke."
"I am and yyy…you knn…know it. Hhh…head mmm…messed up. Was smm…smart now sss…stupid," his words rushed forward. Dean sighed and looked hard at his brother.
"Sam look at me," Dean commanded when his little brother dropped his eyes. "Look at me." Sam raised his eyes hesitantly and met his brothers. "Now listen to me and get this through that damn thick stubborn head of yours … I never want to fucking hear you call yourself stupid again. Do you understand?" Sam didn't respond. "I'm not screwing around here Sammy I mean it. You're not stupid and you've never been. So, I'll say it again, and you know how much I hate to repeat myself … you are never to call yourself stupid or anything remotely negative again … am I understood?"
"Yes," Sam answered quietly.
"Good," Dean softened his voice as he replied. He reached up and ruffled his brother's hair affectionately. Sam ducked his head away with a small sheepish smile. It might not have been the coveted Sam Winchester lopsided dimpled grin, but it was better than nothing Dean thought. "So, did she leave a message?" Dean asked suddenly. Sam looked at his brother.
"Yeah." Sam nudged his phone. "Yyy..you ccc…can listen."
"You sure?" Sam nodded. Dean picked up the phone and scrolled to the voice mail and selected Sarah's message:
Hi, Sam, it's Sarah. I know… long time no talk. I just wanted to see how you and your brother are doing. I thought I might have heard from you by now, so I guess I was a little worried. I wanted to make sure you hadn't run across one too many angry Casper's, she laughed lightly into the phone. I think about you and just wanted to say hi and touch base. Well, you have my number, and I'd love to hear from you. I hope you and Dean are okay. Tell him I said Hi. Take care of yourself. Bye.
The message finished and Dean handed the phone back to his brother. "Sammy…"
"Ddd…don't," Sam barked. "Nnn…nothing ttt…to sss…say. I ccc…can't ttt…talk ttt..to Sss…Sarah … Dammit!" He hated how bad his words were stuttering.
"Sam just relax, okay? You know damn well that the more worked up you get the worse it gets, and…" Dean looked at his watch. "And, you're just about due for your evening dose of your meds. I don't want you bringing on a seizure." Sam just looked at his brother and said nothing. "Look, I better call Dad before he has a stroke or something." Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket and selected 'home' on his cell phone. He smiled inwardly at that simple word, 'home' and despite everything that has happened over the last year he had his family, he had a home. "Dad?" Dean heard his father's voice after the first ring.
"Dean? Did you find him?" John wasn't trying to keep the concern out of his voice.
"Yeah, Dad. He's okay."
"Thank God," John let out a sigh over the phone, and then went into angry father mode. "Where the hell was he?"
"Long story dad. I'm bringing him home."
"Long story? You're sure he's okay?"
"Dad," Dean softly chided. "You can see for yourself when I get Sammy home. He's okay. He's safe." John relaxed. To him 'safe' meant that he wasn't hurt or in danger.
"Okay, I'll see both you boys when you get home." There was that word again, 'home' and Dean's mouth quirked ever so slightly.
"Okay, Dad. Bye." Dean closed his phone and looked at his crestfallen brother. "Okay, kiddo. Papa Bear is climbing the walls back at the house, so we better get going." Dean stood up and pushed his chair against the wall with his foot. "Come on, Sammy," he picked up his brother's backpack and handed it to him when he stood up. Sam took the pack.
"Thh…thanks," Sam said quietly. "Sss…sorry I ddd…didn't call."
"Water under the bridge Sammy," Dean replied. "Come on, let's get you home."
Later the Next Day
Dean looked at the wall clock in the kitchen. He was off today, and Sam was at rehab. His brother hadn't mentioned Sarah again, but Dean felt like he needed to do something. He scrolled though his own phone knowing full well he had her number. His father was out running errands and it was the perfect time to call. He selected her name and pushed send.
"Hello?"
"Sarah? It's Dean."
"Dean! Hey, how are you?"
"I'm good, and you?"
"I'm fine. You know I called Sam's cell phone yesterday, but I had to leave a voice mail."
"Yeah, I know," Dean began. "That's why I'm calling." Sarah felt her stomach drop to the floor and a feeling of cold dread filled her.
"Dean? Just tell me he's okay. Tell me Sam's all right. He's not hurt is he?" Her pleas came so quickly that they left Dean speechless for a moment and that only added to her fear. "Please, Dean…"
"Sam's okay, Sarah, but…"
"But, what. Dammit Dean, what's wrong? Why isn't Sam the one that's calling?"
"It's hard for him Sarah," Dean began. "A lot has happened."
"Hard for him? Hard how? What's wrong?"
Dean figured he might as well jump right into explanations. "Look Sarah a year ago we were in a car wreck and Sam hit his head. There were complications and …"
"Oh my God," Sarah's voice caught her throat. "Dean?" Her voice was soft and pleading.
"He had to have brain surgery and was in a coma for a while. He suffered brain damage from it," Dean's voice was steady. "But, he's going to rehab and he's getting better every day," he added quickly.
"How bad is it Dean? The truth."
"He really is doing okay Sarah. He's even taking some classes at a local college here in Missouri. He has some speech problems and some other issues. He couldn't bring himself to answer his cell when you called. He wanted too I know he did, but it's just he was afraid."
"Afraid? Of what? Me?"
"Of your reaction." He replied quietly. "He stutters Sarah, and certain words are harder than others for him to say. He just was afraid of what you'd think."
Dean and Sarah talked for a long time, and he filled her in on things about Sam and that they had found their father and were living in Jefferson City, Missouri. She asked questions about his head injury and rehab and Dean answered them. He told her about the seizure disorder and he told her about the bout of endocarditis that had almost killed him. "I need to see him Dean," Sarah spoke suddenly.
"Uh, Sarah, I don't know if that's something he's up to right now."
"Dean, please. I need to see him with my own eyes."
"You know he's gonna be pretty pissed at me for even calling you, and then to tell him you want to come to Jefferson City to see him. I don't know," Dean hedged.
"Make it happen Dean. Look if he's uncomfortable talking to me on the phone tell him we'll talk in person. Please…"
"No promises," he replied. "I'll talk to him, but I'm not going to force the issue with him, okay? It's not good for him to get stressed out."
"I understand," Sarah lamented.
Ivy Ridge Rehab Center
Dean parked the car and went inside. He was early for picking up Sam, but he wanted to talk to Sam as soon as possible. And he thought they could take a walk to the duck pond the center had on its premises that they used to walk to when Sam was still living at Ivy Ridge. He walked in and saw Carrie at the front desk. She waved at him and he returned her wave. He headed for the gym knowing that Sam was in PT for another few minutes. He poked his head inside and could see it was a busy day. The various machines were almost all occupied with a rehab patient and the mats were full too. Dean spotted Sam and Mel in the far corner near a window and he could tell that Mel was stretching out Sam's leg muscles as Sam provided some mild resistance. Dean knew they had finished and Mel was just making sure Sam had a proper muscle cool down before sending him home. Mel spotted Dean and smiled. He saw him say something to his brother, but he was too far away still to hear, and then he saw Sam twist his head and look over and smile. He waved and started to sit up.
"Hey Mel," Dean greeted. "How ya doin' it's been a while."
"Yes, it has. I'm good. And you?"
"No complaints," he replied. "So, did Sammy put you through your paces today or was he a slacker?"
"Nah, your brother is a hard worker." Mel gave Sam a hand up.
"Yyy…you're ear…ly Dean," Sam commented.
"Yeah, I know."
"Sss…some…thing wrong?" Sam looked concerned.
"Huh? No, nothing. Just got here early."
"Okay," Sam commented lightly. He knew his brother though and knew there was something, and if he knew Dean like he was sure he did … his big brother would spit it out when he was ready, so he let it drop. "Thh…thanks Mel," Sam looked at the older man. "I'll sss…see you nnn…next week, okay?"
"Sure, thing sport." Mel answered.
They said their goodbyes and Sam walked with Dean toward the lobby of the rehab center. They reached the outside and Dean stopped. "I thought we could take a walk down to the pond like we used too." Sam looked at his brother and smirked. "What?"
"Nnn…nothing," Sam replied. He knew whatever his brother had on his mind was about to come out. "Sss…sure let's ggg…go," Sam quipped. Dean offered a nervous smile and fell into step beside his little brother.
Dean and Sam followed the concrete walking paths that went to the pond and they took a seat by the water on a bench. "Sammy," Dean began. His stomach was tight with nerves. "Um, I don't want you to get pissed with me, but I guess I can't blame you if you are after I tell you something." Sam looked hard at his brother.
"Whh…what ddd…did you dd…do?"
"I called Sarah."
"Dean!" Sam shouted. Dean flinched at his name.
"Look Sammy, I had to okay. You weren't going to call her back and I thought you'd at least want her to know the reason you weren't calling her back wasn't because you're dead or something."
"I www…was ggg…going ttt…to email hhh…her." Sam let out a frustrated sigh that sounded more like an angry hiss. "Ccc..can't ttt…talk dammit!" He stood up suddenly and walked toward the water to just stare at it. Dean stayed seated, but watched his brother closely. Sam took another couple steps toward the edge of the pond. Dean involuntarily tensed.
"That's close enough Sammy," he said standing up, but remained by the bench. "I don't need you falling in there." Sam spun around and glared at his big brother.
"I ccc…can swim!" he retorted. "Whh…what's yyy…your damn ppp…prob…lem?"
"You getting all worked up and standing too close to the damn water," Dean replied hotly. "Yeah, you can swim, but you go and have a seizure and fall in … you'll swallow half the pond before I can drag you out." Sam turned away from his brother and looked back over the water.
"I ttt..take mmm…my mmm…meds," Sam turned and glared at his brother. "Lll…ike a ggg…good lll…little boy," he hissed in anger.
"Sammy, I just thought she should know. I know that was your call, but I just felt like I had to do something. Hey, she wants to come for a visit to see you with her own eyes. See her Sam." Dean watched his brother turn and face him again, but his little brother's face wasn't angry anymore just stricken, haunted.
"Sss…Sarah ddd…deserves bbb…better," Sam stuttered. "Nnn…not sss…safe www…with me. Thh…the ddd…demon."
"Hey," Dean admonished. "First, what's with this deserves better load of crap?" Dean chided. "There isn't a better catch than you," he mused with a smile and continued. "Well, with the exception of your older and much more handsome brother." Sam rolled his eyes, but Dean saw the hint of a smile despite his brother's distraught emotional state. "And, yeah, I get that you're worried about her safety Sammy, but maybe…"
"Nnn…no mmm…may…be," Sam barked. "Nnn…not sss…safe. Never sss…safe www…with me. Nnn…no one is." Sam walked back toward his brother and sat down heavily on the bench and Dean joined him. Sam stared out over the water and said nothing. The silence hung heavy between them both and Dean felt at a loss of what to say to his little brother.
"Sam," he began tentatively testing the waters with his sibling. Sam cast a sideways glance at his big brother, but said nothing. Dean pushed forward with his thought. "I know you worry … hell, I know you blame yourself for shit that you shouldn't be carrying around in your head. Mom and Jess weren't your fault, but no matter how many times I tell you that I know you don't believe me. I know what the demon said to you, I was there remember?" Sam held his brother's gaze for a long moment and looked away to stare at the ground. "And, I'm going to keep telling you it's not your fault 'til the day they put me in the ground and toss in the dirt. I'm not going to stop until you believe me. You didn't kill them, and that evil sonofabitch will get what's coming to him. But, it's that damn demon that killed Mom and Jessica. And, yeah, maybe you're right until that demon is dead or sent back to hell gift wrapped in a big red bow, maybe Sarah should stay away … one less thing for the demon to use against you, but she deserves to hear it from you Sammy. And, I think you need to do this." Dean looked at his little brother and wished in that moment that Sam was six again and he could comfort him like he did when they were small. It seemed so easy then and he was always able to make him feel safe, make him feel better. But, this wasn't a scraped knee or a bruised ego, and all he could think to do was reach over and cover his brother's hand with his own and give a light squeeze.
"Yyy… you're rrr…right about Sss…Sarah, I guess." Sam conceded with a small smile. "Bbb…but whh…what www…will sss…she thh…think about me? Diff…erent."
"Sam I told her about the accident and your head injury. She knows what to expect, and anyway it's not like you're drooling in a corner or something. You're still you."
"Easy fff…for you ttt…to say," Sam started. "Yyy…you're used ttt…to this now, bbb…but I knn…know in the begin…ning it www…was hard fff…for you I sss…saw it in your eyes." Sam looked at his brother. "I'm bbb…brain ddd…dam…aged not bbb…blind," Sam quipped. Dean looked at his brother as a smile crept at the edges of his mouth. His brother could choose the oddest moments to let his sense of humor come out. Like Big Brother, like little brother, he mused internally.
"You're not brain damaged," Dean replied insistently. He hated that label whether it was true or not he hated hearing it from his brother. Sam just gave him this look that said sell that denial somewhere else. "Well you're not," he reiterated again with an impassioned look in his eye. Sam shook his head lightly.
"Hey, I ddd…don't lll…like any…more than you, bbb…but it is whh…what it is," he conceded.
"Yeah, whatever," Dean's reply was a little more caustic sounding than he had intended. He softened his voice. "I don't want to hear you say it again though, alright?"
"I'm sss…scared Dean," Sam responded quietly. Dean looked at his brother and recalled the last time he could remember his brother saying that very sentence. And, his mind was taken back to the night Sam had had his first waking vision about Max's uncle dying from an unseen force snapping a window down on his neck. Sam had said he was scared then in the car. It had bothered Dean in that moment terribly, although he hadn't admitted it to his brother, and now over a year later, that short sentence still bothered him.
"Sammy it's gonna be okay. You're going to be okay." Sam turned glassy eyes to his brother and Dean's heart broke. He was already a sucker for his brother's puppy eyes, but when they were glassy with the threat of tears he almost couldn't handle it. He found himself closing the small gap between himself and his little brother as he scooted over, and without preamble or concern for the infamous chick flick moment he put his arm around Sam's shoulders and pulled him against himself, so that their sides were touching. "I'm here Sammy," was all Dean could think to say, but it was enough. Sam looked at his brother sheepishly and then rewarded Dean with a lopsided grin.
"Bbb…but what ddd…do I sss..say to Sss…Sarah? If shh…she ccc…comes …I …I…" Sam felt like his world, his safe cocoon with his family was finally being breached, and one of his biggest fears of facing someone that knew him before the head injury came back into his life. He felt the familiar tingle start in his fingers, "Ah, shh…shit," he hissed quietly.
"Sammy?" Dean detected a note of something in his brother's voice and looked at him hard. He saw it in Sam's eyes just as his brother's hand started to spasm on his left side. "Sam, here," Dean helped him sit on the ground afraid this could be a more severe Jacksonian seizure that traveled to the entire side of his body. Sam's arm began to spasm as his hand released and contracted into a fist.
"Shh…shit," Sam complained brokenly. Dean sat behind his brother on the ground supporting Sam low against his chest prepared to catch his head should the seizure travel beyond his arm.
"You're doing okay Sam," Dean encouraged. The seizure didn't go beyond his arm, and Dean was thankful. The jerking began to slow after a couple minutes into a dissipating tremor that worked its way back down Sam's arm to his now relaxed hand causing his fingers to twitch slightly and then it was over. Dean let out a sigh of relief as he allowed his head to drop down onto the top of his brother's head. "You good Sammy?" Sam nodded his head against his brother's chest, but didn't speak. Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and hugged him close for a long moment and he felt his little brother relax into him.
December 2008, Jefferson City, Missouri
"You want me to go in with you? I could," Dean offered with a soft smile. Sam shook his head as his eyes shifted back toward the lobby doors to the large and imposing posh hotel Sarah had checked into. He found himself staring at the gold scripture lettering Embassy Suites Hotel and looked at the doorman dressed in a red tailored jacket helping the bellboy with luggage carts. "You sure?" Dean asked again when it was obvious his kid brother still wasn't getting out of the Impala. Sam had arranged via email with Sarah for her to come visit when he was on holiday break from school and he had finished his placement at the library near his house and Lena had decided right now maybe another library would be the ticket for Sam. Sam was scheduled to start next week for a week of orientation to work in the new library. She had found him an occupational placement at the library on campus.
Sarah was only going to be in Jefferson for two days. He still hadn't been able to bring himself to talk to her on the phone, and had only communicated by email. "Sammy?"
"I ggg…got it," Sam answered as he put his hand on the door handle and pushed it to open the door. As the door opened a cold December wind blew into the car.
"What time you want me to get you?"
"I'll ccc…call." Sam's voice shook.
"Hey, kiddo don't get all stressed, okay? It's Sarah, man, you know her. She took the whole haunted painting and psycho little girl in her stride … this is nothing. It's okay." Dean tried to encourage. Sam offered a shaky smile that only confirmed to Dean how worked up his brother was over this meeting. "I could still go up, you know, break the ice or something … take the edge off."
"Nnn…no," Sam said quietly. "I'll ccc…call lll…later." He said as he got out of the car. Dean leaned forward over the seat.
"Hey Sammy?"
"Yyy…yeah?"
"You remember her room number, right?"
"Thh…three eighteen," he stammered.
"Yep," Dean confirmed. Sam closed the door and when he walked in front of the Impala he turned and met his brother's eyes behind the windshield. He gave his brother a small smile and a wave. Dean did the same. He watched his little brother disappear into the hotel and sighed. He was nervous for Sam. He shook his head to himself, "Damn I feel like I'm watching him go off to kindergarten for his first day of school all over again," he mused out loud to the empty car.
Sam stepped off the elevator and looked at the directional signs for various room numbers. He noticed that rooms 300 to 320 were to the left and 321 to 340 were to the right. He turned left and began staring at the various doors and looking for 318. Sarah's room was near the end of the hall. He stood in front of the deep rich brown door with a small gold sign with script numbers: 318. He wanted to knock, but he just stared, paralyzed. He drew in a shaky breath and knocked. He heard the door lock release, and in one brief second he saw Sarah's smiling face and then his arms were full with her as she grabbed him and hugged him tightly. "Sam!" she said excitedly in his ear. "Come in," she pulled him inside her two room suite never taking her hands off of him. She pulled back and looked at him longingly. He smiled at her and she pulled him close again. "No hello," she urged as she still kept hugging him.
"Hi Sss…Sarah," he stammered. He felt the heat rise in his cheeks at the embarrassment. It was bad enough dealing with his speech with strangers, but at least with them he was never anything else than what he is, but to Sarah, now he was different, and even he knew that. She stepped back and smiled at him.
"It's been a long time Sam. I'm so happy to see you again. Please, sit down. I ordered us some room service. I thought a casual dinner in the room would be nice. Is that okay?"
"It's fff…fine," he replied not wanting to meet her eyes as he stared at the floor.
"Hey, what's so interesting down there?" she quipped as she put a single finger under his chin and brought his head up to meet her eyes. She looked into the same warm expressive eyes she remembered from over a year ago, and smiled. "Now, that's better."
"Hhh…how hhh…have you bbb…been?" Sam ventured to ask as he cringed internally at his broken speech. He saw it in her eyes, it was brief, but he'd still seen it … realization that he wasn't the same Sam, not really. He saw the brief look of sympathy cross her face and disappear quickly under a masked smile.
"Good, I've been good. Business has been booming at the auction house," Sarah replied casually. "Dad keeps me pretty busy. I'm happy to say though no more haunted paintings, well, that I know of," she laughed quietly."
"Thh…that's ggg…good."
There was a long silent moment that seemed to engulf them both in the uncomfortable silence. They both fidgeted where they stood, both suddenly looked uncomfortable in their own skin.
"Here take a seat," Sarah broke the silence. They sat down at a table by the window in the sitting area of her room. Sam had surmised the suite had a sitting room with a couch, table, and TV, and the other room was the bedroom area. "So, how did your classes end before break?"
"Okay, I thh…think. Nnn…not sure yet," Sam started. "Grr…grades aren't out yyy…yet."
"Well, I'm sure you did just fine." Sarah answered a bit too bubbly. Sam knew she was uncomfortable which actually worked because he was too. There was a knock at the door.
"Room service." Sarah stood up quickly.
"Just stay there Sam," she encouraged. "I'll let him in." The kitchen waiter rolled in a cart with two trays. The entrées were covered with silver metal domes. He placed them down on the table and proceeded to put down the silverware and two cold beers, a carafe a hot coffee, and a pitcher of ice water. He left after telling Sarah when she was ready to have the items cleared to just call room service for a pick-up. Sarah sat down, "Well, take a look," she encouraged. Sam lifted the silver metal top off his plate. There was a steak and baked potato with a side of vegetables.
"Lll…looks ggg…good. Thh…thanks," he could feel himself cringe at both his speech and the fact he knew he was going to have trouble with the steak knife. He could work a pencil and pen just fine now, but the motor control he needed to cut the meat was still a problem.
"I got us two beers," she replied with a smile. She remembered they had had beer when they had gone out when she last saw Sam a year ago.
"I ccc…can't hhh…have any," he started. "Mmm…my mmm…meds."
"Oh, I'm sorry Sam," Sarah replied quickly. "I didn't even think of that. How about some coffee?" Sam shook his head indicating 'no'.
"Thh…the wa…ter is fff…fine," he answered with a shaky smile. "Thh…this is nnn…nice," he offered.
"I'm glad," she replied and shifted her attention to her plate. Sam stared at his for a long moment. His stomach was doing flip flops. He looked at the steak and then the knife and the only thought he had going through his head was Houston we have a problem. He picked up the knife and shifted in his hand to get a better grip. He struggled to get control of holding the knife and his fork against the meat as he tried to cut. His hands were shaking from nerves and Sarah looked up from her steak and saw him struggling. "Here, Sam," she replied casually as she reached over with her fork and knife and cut his steak for him. Sam pulled his hands away and put his utensils down. He wouldn't meet her eyes. "There you go," she said. And, there was this quality to her voice that Sam knew she would have never meant to convey on purpose, but she sounded as though she were addressing a child.
"Thh…thank you."
"It's okay. Are you okay from there?" She asked meeting his eyes as he looked up and then indicated his food.
"I ccc…can fff…feed my…self," he answered bluntly as he picked up his fork.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to imply…" she began.
"Sss…Sarah," Sam said as he put his fork down. "Thh…this isn't ggg…going ttt…to work. You hhh…had nnn…no real idea. I'll ggg…go." He started to stand and she reached across the table and put her hand on his.
"Sam, no, please stay. I've been so stupid. Yes, I mean, Dean told me about the head injury, but I guess I just didn't know … this isn't coming out right," she hurried on with her reply. "Sam I want you to stay. It's been so long. I want to catch up …what have you been up to?" and then she dropped her face and shook her head. "Okay, that was dumb," she chastised herself out loud.
"Nnn…no, it's okay," Sam assured. "I hhh…haven't bbb…been up to mmm…much," he started with a grin. "Um… thh…there was thh..this tiny coma and rehab. Thh…then the sss…sei…zures sss…started. Oh, and thh…then I ggg…got a hhh…heart in…fection and almost died, and I thh..then I went bbb…back to scc…school. Thh…that about ccc…covers it, I thh…think," he gave her a lopsided grin. She laughed.
"Yeah, not much, huh?" she smiled.
"Whh…what about you?" Sam asked.
Meanwhile, The Winchester House
The phone rang and John picked it up. "Hello?" He smiled. "Sure, could you hold on a second?" He put the kitchen phone down on the counter and walked into family room where Dean was surfing on the laptop. "You have a phone call," John replied with a wide grin. Dean looked at him.
"What's that smile for?"
"Pick up the phone and you'll know why," John hedged. "I'll hang up the kitchen phone." John watched Dean lean back on the couch and grab the cordless phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi Dean. Is this a bad time?" He felt his cheeks grow crimson under his father's close scrutiny and wide grin. John left to go hang up the other extension.
"No, it's not a bad time," Dean assured. "Hey April, how have you been?"
"Good. And you?"
"Good."
"Look, I know this may seem forward, but I was wondering if you'd like to go out or something. I know things have been hectic the last couple months and I wanted to wait until Sam was back on track from his infection and I thought this might be a good time. I was thinking maybe grab a bite and a movie in no particular order." There was a quiet span of empty air space, "Dean?"
He chuckled. "I'm here," he assured. "I was just waiting to see if you were done talking or had just stopped to take in some oxygen," he replied with a laugh. April laughed nervously.
"Sorry, I talk fast when I'm …" she didn't finish what she was going to say. "Um, I can rattle on sometimes," she said. Dean smiled to himself knowing she was going to say she was nervous.
"It's okay," he assured. "How about you let me do the asking? I am the guy after all."
"And when did you become all old fashioned?" She jested. She had been able to get to know Dean over the past year as a friend, and he wasn't the old fashioned type.
"Are you going to bust my chops or let me ask you out on a date?" Dean retorted.
"Okay, okay, truce," she replied. "Do your thing, oh manly man," she encouraged with a coy voice. He felt the heat rise in his cheeks again and was glad they were on the phone and not in person. April had this effect on him that made him less cock sure of himself and felt like some nervous school boy trying to get up the courage to ask a girl out for a school dance. This is ridiculous he berated himself mentally. "Hello?"
"Huh? Oh yeah," he replied a bit taken back. "April, how would you like to have dinner and catch a movie this weekend?"
"Sounds fun." She replied. "Does Saturday work for you?" she questioned.
"Sure, how does Samurai sound? I can make some reservations."
"That place is a little expensive Dean. I'm a cheap date," she replied with a laugh.
"I've been wanting to go and I know you like sushi," there was something in his voice and the way he said sushi that made April laugh.
"You hate sushi," she replied.
"Yeah, yeah I do, but I hear they have great steaks too," he answered. "How about we eat around six and then catch a movie afterward?"
"Perfect, I'm looking forward to it."
"Okay, I'll pick you up around 5:30 on Saturday, is that okay?"
"Perfection," she replied.
Embassy Suites, Sarah's Room
Dinner had ended a while ago and they had sat and talked. Sarah sat curled up on the couch next to Sam as they talked. She leaned in to kiss him, and he didn't stop her. They kissed deeply and long. Her hand started to work the buttons of his shirt, and he stopped her. "Sss…Sarah, I ccc…can't," he replied in a stuttered whisper.
"It'll be okay Sam we can," Sarah encouraged. "I've been thinking about this for a year. And, despite everything …you're still Sam to me."
"Thh…that's nnn…not the ppp…prob…lem," he answered as he stopped her fingers from trying to unfasten his buttons again.
"Then what?" she asked as she pulled her hands back and put them in her lap. There was a long pause of silence. "Is this about you feeling like you're cursed Sam? Because we've been over this I thought … it's not up to you to make my decisions for me. I'm a big girl. Everything turned out fine before. This can work."
"Nnn…no it ccc…can't." Sam answered. "Thh…that was jjj…just a ppp…pissed off ghost you sss…saw. Thh…that accident lll…last year hhh…hap…pened when we were from a demon. Thh..the sss…same demon thh…that kkk…killed my Mom and ggg…girl…friend. Mmm…my fff…family is hhh…hunt…ing it. You're not sss…safe ggg…getting in…volved with mmm…me." And, with that final sentence Sarah could see the mental and emotional doors closing in Sam and knew he meant what he was saying.
"So, this is it then?" Sam nodded. "This demon you're family is hunting, can it be killed or whatever it is you do with demons?" She couldn't believe she was having this conversation.
"Mmm…my ddd…dad thh…thinks so. It's evil Sss…Sarah, and no woman I care for is sss…safe with me. It almost kkk…killed Dean. I ccc…can't risk you. I won't."
"Okay," she replied quietly. "I can't change your mind?" Sam shook his head sadly. "What if I'm willing to take the risk?" Sam looked at her with soft warm eyes.
"I'm not," he answered simply.
One Hour Later
"Hello," Dean spoke into his cell phone. He looked at his watch Sammy had been with Sarah a good six hours since he dropped him off at the hotel.
"Dean? I'm rrr…ready," Sam replied.
"You okay?"
"Fff…fine. I'll bbb…be in the lll…lobby."
"Okay, make sure you stay inside until I get there. It's started snowing again and it's colder than a witch's ass outside."
"Yeah." There was this sad quality to his brother's voice that bothered Dean.
"All right, I'll be there in about twenty minutes."
"Okay."
Dean pulled up by the lobby and saw Sam exit drawing his jacket closer to himself to stave off the bitter winter wind. He sat heavily into the car and only offered a quick glance at his big brother. "Thh…thanks fff…for getting me," and he shifted his eyes forward and fell into silence. Dean said nothing. He kept giving his brother cursory glances out of his peripheral vision trying to read his sibling. He saw a red light coming up and a long line of traffic he slowed to a stop awaiting the cycle of the light. He saw his opportunity.
"Sammy?" He replied tentatively. Silence was his brother's response. "Sammy, come on kiddo," Dean turned his eyes fully to his brother as the traffic remained unmoving. "You okay?" Sam turned his head slowly and met his brother's eyes. Dean looked into his little brother's eyes and saw the pain.
"I'm fff…fine," Sam answered quietly. Dean continued to look at his brother. "Ggg…green," Sam stammered.
"Huh?" Dean responded still looking at his brother.
"Ggg…green," Sam answered as he pointed to the traffic that had begun to creep forward.
"Oh, yeah," Dean responded quickly and turned his eyes toward the traffic and pushed down on the accelerator. The tires spun for a moment as the powerful V8 engine pushed the car forward in the snowy and icy streets of downtown Jefferson City. They pulled into the driveway at home and Dean drove into the garage as he hit the remote. Sam got out without saying another word, and walked into the kitchen. John looked up as his youngest entered tapping the remnants of snow and slush off his shoes against the step before stepping into the kitchen.
"Hey Sammy," he smiled, but his smile fell when his youngest didn't return the smile.
"Hi Dad," Sam replied as he walked passed him and headed to his room. Dean came in right after his brother's retreating back and John met his oldest child's eyes and his own eyes conveyed questions and concerns to Dean. Dean's face was solemn and he only shook his head in response. John sighed knowing that the visit had apparently not gone that well.
"Dean," John reached out and grabbed the elbow of his son's leather jacket. "He needs to work through whatever happened in that hotel on his own."
"But, Dad," Dean replied with stricken eyes. "He's hurting," he replied quietly not meeting his father's eyes. John motioned for him to take a seat at the kitchen table, and they both sat.
"I know, but let him have some time. I want to help him too, but right now I think he needs space. He's coming to terms with a lot of things I suspect and right now we have to allow him that time." Dean looked at his father and nodded in assent with trepidation. "I know … I'm worried too. We'll check on him later, but we're not going to push him to talk, okay?" John paused and let out a long sigh. "He's grieving Dean and we have to let him."
"Grieving?" Dean turned confused eyes to his dad.
"There are different kinds of grief Dean," John offered bluntly. "Sammy has lost a lot in the past year, and after everything he still worries about the demon and what letting himself care for another woman might cost him, cost her. He's grieving and we have to allow him that, right?"
"Yeah," Dean's response was gruff and emotion filled. "Maybe, I should cancel with April for Saturday," Dean hedged. John put a hand on his son's shoulder and squeezed.
"No, Dean," John answered bluntly. "Look, I know you love your brother, but whether you've noticed it or not you've put your entire life on hold to make sure he's okay, safe, and healthy. You need to live Dean. Sam wouldn't want you to give up everything for him."
"I'm not giving up things for him Dad," Dean's eyes held a hint of anger. The conversation reminded him of their fight in the hospital over a year ago when Sam was still in a coma. "I haven't sacrificed anything Dad. It's Sammy, he's my brother." John smiled warmly.
"Now, don't go getting all worked up," he replied with his hands raised in mock surrender. "I know you have no regrets, and yeah, you don't see what you've given up for yourself while putting Sammy first…" Dean cut him off.
"Sammy always comes first Dad … that's rule number one, remember?"
"Dean," John began. "I remember the rule, but Sam's an adult now, and you're both grown men. If you don't go out and experience some life for yourself the day will come when you might resent your brother," John offered. Dean turned shocked eyes to his father.
"I could never resent Sammy, Dad. Never."
"Well, I'm sure you really believe that Dean, but it can creep on you," John replied. "Do you want to get to that point?"
"No," Dean answered quietly. "But, how can I date someone Dad? You know have a relationship, maybe …" he hedged. "And, Sammy's alone …" John stopped his son right there.
"Sammy's not alone Dean he has you and me, and maybe someday he'll decide to risk loving another girl again, and maybe he won't and that has to be Sam's choice and no one else's son. And, maybe he'll start making some friends at school," John countered with a hopeful smile. "At least a group he can hang out with on campus or something."
"Yeah," Dean answered
Two Weeks Later, Jefferson Community College
"Seth, what are you lookin' at man?"
"Damn retard was in my political science class," Seth hissed from the student lounge area in the college library. "He got a better damn grade than I did," he groused. "Pisses me off!" He spat. "Damn tard gets special treatment."
"How do you even know he did better," Mark replied.
"I was outside Dassler's office waiting to find out my final grade and heard him talking to that retard. I heard him say he got a 'B' and then I'm thinking, well, hell if that short bus kid got a 'B' I probably aced the class."
"And?"
"Got a fucking 'C'." Seth watched Sam look at his watch from behind the library's front desk. Sam had needed an extra week of orientation to help him adjust to the new protocols and rules at the college library. Today was his last day before he could have the rest of his holiday break off. Dean was off work today, and was picking him up because the weather was too cold and both John and Dean had convinced Sam to forego the bus during the winter, so they dropped Sam off and picked him up. Seth watched Sam say something to his supervisor and go to grab his backpack. "See that," Seth spat. "Fucker even got a student job here or something. I tried to just for the extra cash, but they said they had no availability, but suddenly he just shows up and is here working. He can't even talk right." Seth complained. "Stutters like an idiot."
"Seth, man," Mark tried to calm his friend. "He looks like a nice kid. Maybe, you just oughta be glad you're not in his shoes, ya know?"
"What? You a flag waiver for retards now? You know I saw him in the financial aid office during the school quarter. Damn, head case has a full ride here. State pays for him, and I get shit. I'm up to my ass in student loans, and I haven't even finished my transfer credits that I'm doing before I transfer to Missouri State." Seth saw Sam leave for the door and he got up to follow him.
"What are you doing?" Mark stood up a bit alarmed.
"Going to go tell that retard what I think." Mark reached out to stop his friend.
"Seth, man, chill okay? Leave the kid alone." Seth jerked his arm away.
"No," he hissed.
"Fine, but I want no part of this," Mark replied as he sat back down. "You want to act like an asshole and a stupid one at that then go make a fool of yourself. You want to feel all self important and tell a mentally challenged kid off then go ahead."
"Oh, I'm gonna do more than tell him off," he muttered as he stormed out. Mark cast a worried glance toward the person he had grown up with and tried to evaluate if he actually would try to hurt the kid. Seth wasn't mean by nature, but when angry or feeling wronged he could be unpredictable.
Sam crossed the quad as quickly as he could. The ground was slick in spots and he was trying not to slip. He knew Dean would be waiting out at the drop-off and pick-up curb near the quad. "Hey!" Sam stopped and turned toward the shout. He recognized the guy as a fellow classmate. He smiled.
"Hhh…hi Sss…Seth."
"Yeah," he spat. "Hhhh….hi Ssss…Sam," he mocked Sam's speech. Sam drew back from him. "You fuckin' retard you know Dassler gave you a better grade than me? Huh?"
"I www….worked fff…for my grade."
"Bullshit, it was handed to you on a platter. And, your stupid ass gets a full ride here for bein' a tard and I'm in debt up to my goddamn eyeballs in student loans."
"Nnnn….not my ffff…fault. Not fault." Sam's speech was spiraling out of control as his stuttering increased and began to fragment. "Nnn…not sss…stupid. Nnn…not retard."
"You really are a fucking idiot aren't you," Seth spat. "You are a retard … you know the kind that went to school on the short bus. What your family tell you the smart kids went in that bus and you were special?" Sam felt his face get hot as his anger boiled up.
"Sss..screw you Sss…Seth," Sam spat. "I not on sss…short bbb…bus. Hhh…had accident and hhh…hurt mmm…my hhh…head."
"I couldn't give a flying fuck," he spat.
Dean sat tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the music as he waited for his brother. "Come on Sammy," he complained. He looked at his watch. Sam was pretty punctual when he was getting picked up and Dean knew he should have been here a good ten minutes ago. The last couple weeks had been a bit tenuous with Sam after Sarah left. He hadn't said much since that day concerning what he and Sarah had said. Sam had told them she was leaving the next day on a flight a day earlier than planned, and that everything was for the better. He hadn't said anymore, but Dean and John both knew eventually he would talk about what was said. He looked at his watch again, and grunted. He was seeing April again tonight for their seventh date in as little as two weeks and wanted to get back home to get changed.
"Dammit," Dean complained as he pulled forward and selected a metered parking spot. He dug around in the car for some change and dropped a quarter in the meter buying himself a half-hour. He started toward the quad he knew his brother crossed to get to him from the library.
Mark had decided he better go make sure Seth wasn't making a colossal ass of himself, but mostly he wanted to make sure he really wasn't gonna hurt the kid. He knew his friend could get a little irrational when he was all fired up.
"Well, I'm about to give you another fuckin' head injury," Seth spat as he took a swing at Sam. Sam side stepped him and reached a hand out and pushed Seth as the man over extended beyond Sam and left himself off balance. He fell over and slammed into the snow covered concrete. Sam stepped back trying to get a little more space between himself and his old classmate. "You're dead," Seth growled as he pushed himself up from the ground. Sam stepped backed as the guy advanced on him.
"Nnn…not www…want ttt..to fight," Sam pleaded as he took another step back. Dean had heard his brother's fractured speech and what he had said. He took off running around the corner seeing Sam and some guy stalking toward his little brother. He noted in the distance another guy had just stepped out of the library and was running toward the fight, as well.
"No one pushes me especially not some fuckin' retard," Seth yelled.
"Only ggg…getting you away from me. I nnn…not hurt."
Dean continued to run and cursed the damn slick icy spots slowing him down. He heard what was being said, but he was still too far away to help. "Seth! Leave the kid alone," Dean heard the other man running yell toward the guy threatening his little brother. Dean watched as Sam took another step back and hit an icy patch on the ground. Sam windmilled his arms for a second to keep his balance, and it was enough of a distraction for Seth to hit Sam. Sam's head snapped to the side as the man's fist connected with his right cheek and mouth. Sam tasted the thick coppery blood fill his mouth. He spit it out on the snow. Seth slammed into Sam knocking him to the ground. Sam's head connected against the hard packed snow and ice. He saw stars for a second erupting behind his eyes in a firework display. Seth straddled Sam and was about to strike when Sam heard a guttural yell like some wild animal, and he saw a blur as a body launched over him taking Seth off of him. He lay there stunned staring up at the winter gray sky.
"I'll kill you!" Dean screamed as he began punching Seth. Seth raised his hands trying to deflect the precise hits Dean was delivering. Dean shifted from hitting his face to body hits. The blows were vicious. Dean felt himself pulled off of Seth and his arms pulled tightly behind himself. "I'll kill you for touching my brother! No one fucking hurts him!"
"Hey! Hey! You gotta stop," Mark yelled trying to break through Dean's blind rage. Mark had heard Dean say 'my brother' and he knew where the protective rage was coming from. "You gotta stop," Mark pulled back hard and severed Dean's contact with Seth. The snow around Seth was sprayed with flecks of blood and thick red droplets formed a polka-dot pattern. Seth turned over moaning and spitting blood into the snow. Dean turned angry eyes to Mark. "Hey, I'm just trying to keep the peace," he offered. Dean jerked away from Mark and stared at Seth with blazing eyes. Seth was sitting up, but his eyes were staring at the still form in the snow a few feet away.
"What'd I do? I didn't really mean to hurt the kid? I….I…" And, Dean followed Seth's eyes, and in that instant his rage dissipated enough that he remembered why he had been in this fight in the first place.
"Sammy?" Dean's voice came out soft and broken as he scrambled toward his brother's unmoving body.
"Mark? Man, what did I do?" Mark helped his friend stand and had to take some of his weight as his legs almost gave out. They stood stock still as Dean slid to his knees kneeling over Sam.
"Sammy?" Dean felt hot tears already forming in his eyes. Sam's eyes were open and he stared unfocused up at the sky. Dean put his face in Sam's direct eyesight as he pushed back his bangs. "Sam? Can you hear me? Sammy?" Sam's eyes focused on Dean's face.
"Dean?" Sam's voice sounded confused.
"Yeah, Sammy it's me. You okay?" Sam started to move his limbs that he had forgotten he even had. His movements were jerky and uncoordinated. "Sammy stay still."
"Nnn…no," Sam's voice became a little more sure of itself. "I'm okay. Hhh…hit my hhh…head." He sat up slowly with his brother's help. He reached a hand back behind his head with tentative fingers and winced.
"Let me see," Dean's voice was gruff. "Just a little bump." Dean said as he examined it. "It's not bleeding. Here let me see your face," Dean took his little brother's face gently in his examining hands. "You sure you're okay?" Sam nodded and looked behind his brother at the bloody face of Seth leaning against his friend. Dean turned and looked at the two students who hadn't moved from there spot in the snow.
"The kid okay?" Seth dared to ask. Sam saw his brother's entire body tense and the muscle in his jaw constrict. Sam put a hand on his brother to silently tell him to let it go. Dean helped Sam to his feet. Sam swayed a moment and gained his balance. Dean put a protective and supportive arm around his brother's shoulders.
"You ever so much as look crossed-eyed at my brother again I will kill you," Dean threatened as he continued to support Sam. "You understand?" Seth nodded silently. He shifted his eyes to Mark supporting his friend against him. "You better keep that friend of yours on a short leash because he comes near my brother again," Dean's voice was low and dangerous. "Because if he does, I promise they'll never find his body." Mark felt a chill work down his spine.
Dean helped Sam to the car. The meter was blinking expired, but luckily no meter maid had shown up to issue him a ticket. Dean settled his brother in the front seat and closed the door. He slid in and pulled out his phone. "Whh…who you ccc…calling?"
"Dr. Myers, I want her to check your head out."
"I sss…said I'm fff…fine."
"Not taking any chances Sammy," Dean replied. Sam knew it was pointless to argue. His mind went back to the quad and the words that Seth had said to him, but mostly his thoughts gravitated around his brother's warning to the man that had hit him. He had seen something animalistic in his brother's eyes for an instant. Sam had always known his brother would protect him, but seeing his brother's eyes today and hearing his words made Sam shudder at what his brother would do for him to keep him safe, to protect him from the world. Sam looked at his brother as he spoke on his cell and a soft smile crept up at the edges of his mouth, and he flinched slightly when his split lip protested the action. Dean snapped his phone shut and looked at Sam. "She said to bring you to the rehab center and she'll take a look at you and she wants an MRI to be on the safe side." Sam nodded, but said nothing. "You feelin', okay Sammy? Your head hurting?"
"Nnn…not bbb…bad. I'm okay." Dean couldn't resist the need to reach out and ruffle his kid brother's hair gently. Sam ducked away.
"Come on," Dean replied with a soft smile. "Let's get you checked out." He pulled out and into traffic. Sam looked at his brother and realized with sudden clarity that yes … he loved his big brother and would die for him without hesitation that was a given, but this was the first time he had actually ever felt in awe of his big brother. My brother's amazing. How did I never notice that before, Sam's thoughts filled his head as he turned his eyes from his big brother's profile to look out the windshield as they drove out of the city.
To Be Continued
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