Disclaimer: Not mine. And, the song in this story that's "written" by Jude is actually Monsters by Matchbook Romance. I've just changed the lyrics up a bit to match the story-line.

Note: I apologize. I can't spell momamare or revion. I'm just soundin' it out...

Chapter three.

xoxo

My five days are up. Today's back to work. Today's my birthday. I remember last year. I remember Tommy, and the way he looked at me. Like Monster Man looked at me. With that desperate longing. I remember the way we kissed. I don't want that to happen again. I'm too young for him. I think I understand that now. Outside of G-Major, my mom says goodbye and I can hug her now. I've gotten better at lying. Smiling. It's too easy. It's dangerous, it's so easy. Inside the building and there's no one familiar. No one intercepting me before I can make it to the studio. I think I'm safe from the wrath of Darius when I open the door. And, then, there's everybody. The lights are out and they scream, "Suprise". They have a cake, with seventeen candles. They sing "Happy Birthday", and I don't bother to stop them. I don't have the will. I just smile. So easy. Then Portia says to make a wish. But, I don't. I just blow out the flames like it means something. Thank people. Hug Darius, even. Then the crowd begins to clear and I see Tommy behind it all. Leaning against the door, quiet, watching.

"Hey, Jude," he says, like he's forgotten I hate that.

But, I can't find myself reacting.

"Hey, Tommy," I say.

I don't know how to sound normal. I've forgotten normal. It's some distant country that I'd once heard of. But, I don't think I've ever been normal. In The Before, I was just delusional. I had no idea what pain is. That stupid girl. Who thought she was untouchable. That a stupid crush on Tommy hurt. That could walk through fucking back-allies like it was nothing. Because, back then, it was. But look what happened. She shattered into a million pieces. She's one million people. Torn and screaming. Each piece a different part of pain. They don't know eachother anymore. I'm divided and left with nothing to possibly understand.

"I have your notebook," Tommy tells me.

"Hm?" I ask, completely missing the point.

"Your notebook," Tommy frowns, like I've lost my mind. "With all your music, Jude. I figured you'd be goin' out of your mind lookin' for this thing."

"Oh," I don't know what else to say, staring at the journal in his hands. "Thanks."

"No problem," his voice softer than it's ever been.

I can't look at his face. I don't want to see that reflection of me inside his eyes. How scared he is depending on how frail I appear. How broken. He sees the wrong in me. The only one who's noticed and the last person I'd want to find out. I shake my head and flip through the book, trying to find something useful. Something old we can use. But, they're all love songs for Tommy and I don't think I can sing those anymore. We have nothing to work with. And, I don't know how to write anymore. I can't tell those fucking stories about that girl who wants that guy who doesn't know what he wants. That girl died. She was murdered in an ally. She's a ghost now. She's one million little ghosts. And, she hates the body she's left behind. The body she's trapped inside.

"You alright, girl?" Tommy asks.

"Tommy, please," I plead. "Let's just get started."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," he places his hand on my shoulder.

I can't move. Just his warmth through the sleeve of my shirt. Just his eyes on me. He could kiss me. He could do whatever he wanted. I step back and shake my head, this is so wrong. I can't work like this, with him. His eyes are like the Monster Man's. The Monster Man inside of me. I keep shaking my head and stepping back, and back. Reaching the door and walking out, and fast. Bumping into Darius as I hurry off.

"Woah," he says, laughing. "Where you off to in such a hurry, birthday girl?"

"I can't work with Tommy anymore," I tell him, fast. "I guess I've been spending too much time with him at the studio, and ontop of that I hear Sadie complaining about him at home all the time. And, I'm really mad at him for what he did to her. I can't face him, I can't make music with him. He's giving me writers block. I just-"

"Hey, hey," Darius stops me, smiling so friendly. "You want a break from Tommy, you can get a break. Kwest might be willin' to take the job. Mums the word, Jude."

I look at my feet. This might be a mistake. I don't care anymore.

"Mum."

Oh, what's happening to me?
I can hardly breathe
And I won't let it go
I can't help this feeling anymore
It won't go anywhere
He'll never leave me

She was scribbling a song down. Written by all of her. The millions of ghosts inside of her. Haunting.

We are
We are the shaken
We are the monsters
Underneath your bed
Yeah
Believe what you read
We are
We are mistaken
We are the voices
Inside your head
Yeah
Believe what you see

It was for the old Jude. The naive Jude. Where ever she was.

It came as no surprise
He stole away your life
Believe me
I'll bleed for you
I'd die for you
I caught you walking through walls
Drowned with applause
From a world that makes me crazy

It was for the empty Jude. The nothing Jude.

We are
We are the shaken
We are the monsters
Underneath your bed
Yeah
Believe what you read
We are
We are mistaken
We are the voices
Inside your head
Yeah
Believe what you see

It was a lost cause.

We are the monsters
We are the monsters
We are the monsters
Underneath your bed
We are the voices
We are the voices
We are the voices
Underneath your bed
We are the monsters
We are the monsters
We are the monsters
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

It was for nothing.

We are
We are the shaken
We are the monsters
Underneath your bed
Yeah
Believe what you read
We are
We are mistaken
We are the voices
Inside your head
Yeah
Believe what you see

For no one.

We are
We are the shaken
We are the monsters
Underneath your bed
Yeah
Believe what you see

From him.

IIIII

Jude kept writing. Through the glass he saw her. Enchanted inside the pages. Looking content at last. He made way to enter the studio when stopped by Darius. A mournful looking Darius.

"Tom, you can't go in there, man," he said.

"What are you talking about?" Tommy shook his head, baffled.

"As of right now, you're aren't Jude's producer anymore," Darius shook his head in sympathy.

"You're kidding me," Tommy blinked.

"Nah, man," Darius explained. "Jude talked with me this morning. She needed a break from you."

"That's bullshit," Tommy spat. "She's avoiding me because something's up and she doesn't wanna talk about it!"

"Sorry," Darius said. "Just back off for awhile."

"No," Tommy shook his head, trying to move around Darius. "No, seriously. Let me talk to her."

"She doesn't want to see you, Tom," Darius held out hands. "I can't let you in there."

"This is bullshit," Tommy yelled. "This is bullshit."

Storming away, Darius glanced back to Jude in the studio. She was strumming on her guitar, lost within the chords. Unknowning. He rubbed his forehead tiredly and walked away.

IIIII

Jude entered her apartment studio with exhaustion. Placing her bag down on the couch, she heard screaming within the pipe beside her. Some man wanting help. Trapped someplace within the building. She considered calling someone. She couldn't do this herself. What if it was him? What if it was just a trick? What if he did it again? What if anyone did it again? Jude grabbed her guitar tightly, her defense. She'd kill him if he touched her. If he even tried to touch her. Walking down the steps she stopped at the floor below hers. The screaming grew louder, it came from behind a rusted blue door with chipped paint. She found the handle which had fallen to the floor and carefully placed it back inside the door. She wouldn't tell whoever it was she was there. She would suprise him. Not the other way around. Opening the door carefully, the guitar slung over her shoulder, ready to strike.

"Hey," she heard.

Screaming, she turned to face Tommy, and the door slammed shut behind her.

"No!" Tommy screamed, heading toward the door and checking the handle.

It didn't budge.

"No," Jude thought.

"Good thinkin', Einstein," Tommy said sarcastically.

Jude remained silent, still holding her guitar like a bat. Trembling. He'd scared her so much... Tommy's eyes softened at the sight of her. Frozen in fear. Suddenly so jumpy. He didn't understand. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. Not knowing how to act, he placed a hand on her arm and she snapped back to reality. Shooting away from him quickly and then relaxing, lowering her guitar to her side. Letting out a shakey sigh.

"I came to see you," he told her. "I got off on the wrong floor... We have to talk."

Jude's eyes grew wide as she waited for him to begin. He sat beside her. She couldn't handle this. Feeling so helpless. He didn't mean it, she understood. But, that wasn't enough.

"You fired me?" he asked quietly.

Jude shrugged, unable to meet his eyes.

"Why?" Tommy needed an answer. He needed to understand what was going on.

"I don't know," Jude said. "I... I don't know."

"You don't know?" Tommy shook his head, amazed. "You fired me, Jude, and you don't know why."

"I just wish you'd stop," she shook her head. "I'm fine, I just wish you'd stop."

"I'm worried about you, girl," Tommy.

Her skin felt heavy. She had a headache. It took too much concentration to breathe. Jude was weak, the force of gravity too strong to fight as she had before. She couldn't stand straight, pulled down and down. Always falling. There was no way to explain any of this to Tommy. There was no way to fix this. She was being buried. She was being smothered. There was nothing but the dirt piling higher and higher over her head. No sunlight. Just worms and maggots eating away at her skin. Jude turned back to the door and pulled at the handle, and pushed, and tried not to cry. She kicked it, and she punched it, and she slumped back against it. Her eyes closed all the while. Feeling Tommy's gaze boring through her skin. Maybe she'd just lie. Get it over with.

"Spied and I broke up," she said. "I thought I loved him. But, I didn't. I don't think I can. I don't think I'm capable of love."

It was supposed to be a front. She was supposed to make something up, mis-direct Tommy. Get him off her back. But, the words sounded too true. They struck her, wrapping themselves around her heart and squeezing. She had loved Tommy. It was something she'd cultivated. The longing had owned her. It was all she knew. But, it was gone, now. Replaced by fear. By the Monster Man. The Monster Man inside every man. Tommy couldn't love her without becomming that in her eyes. He already was, somehow. Even though she knew it was wrong to think. He wasn't a bad person. But, to want her... She shuddered. She was incapable of loving. How disgusting was that?

"This is a creature on fire with love," Tommy said, suddenly sitting beside her. "But, it's still scary because people think love only looks like one thing, instead of the whole world."

"What?" Jude asked, blinking.

"It's a quote," he explained. "Brian Andreas. Maybe nothing inside you looks like love right now, or feels like love right now. But, that doesn't mean it's not love, girl. You have too much passion in that heart. And, nothing can take that away."

Something already had. She nodded as though she found the words comforting. He had no idea. It was nice of him to try.

"Maybe," she stood, brushing off her clothes and beginning to wander about the room. "What is this place?"

"I think we're at the Chrome Cat," Tommy smiles distantly. "It used to be in this area..."

Jude tilted her head slightly to observe Tommy with interest. He began to walk around the room, his face painted with some emotion she found hard to identify. Something like awe. She could imagine wearing that expression in a temple. In a far off country and observing ancient ruins. In a submarine looking out the window to the vast ocean surrounding her. In an airplane flying over the clouds. But, this place was dusty, objects covered in sheets. The air felt humid, clinging to her skin. She felt dirty. What the hell was the Chrome Cat?

"The Chrome Cat," Tommy said, pulling off one of the sheets and revealing a piano beneath, "was It. Artists used to stop by here on their way through town. Sinatra would have played here."

Jude stopped listening to the words for a moment. She focused, rather, on the boyish excitement. The way his lit up as he explained. She focused on the flow of his voice. The way it wrapped around her. Warm and safe. Suddenly, he was safe again. For the time being, she supposed. A smile playing lightly at her lips, remembering when she was small and her father spoke of The Beatles this way. And it had always enchanted her. His stories, and the happines it brought to his eyes. Tommy's eyes were like that, then. And he was letting her remember something good, for once. He was soothing. Drifting her someplace else. But, suddenly his words pulled her back. Something about Elvis, and a rumor. Looking at his face, Jude knew why she had always loved him. And maybe he was right. Maybe it was still inside her. All that love. But she wasn't sure if it really made a difference anymore.

"Sad to see it looking like this," Tommy drummed his hands on the piano.

"Yeah," Jude nodded.

She still didn't know how talk. She was afraid the words would come bubbling up her throat. That the truth would escape. Wandering around the room, peering into boxes, she avoided meeting Tommy's eyes. Felt them following her every step. He breathed carefully, the frustration aching inside his body. This wasn't just about Spied. There was more to it than that. Tommy knew her better than that. Sitting down at the piano, he began to play, trying to set his mind at ease. He watched as Jude suddenly pulled out a box and placed it on a lower counter. Fishing through it, she pulled out candles, and gathering them in her arms, headed toward Tommy.

"You have any matches?" Jude asked, hopefully.

"Even better," Tommy smiled, pulling his lighter out of his pocket.

She lit them all and Tommy watched her spread them out across the room. There was something different about her movements, her walk, her face. Something was missing. Maybe the confidence. Jude didn't look like she knew where she was going anymore. Her face seemed weary, and sunken. Everything she did, she looked hesitant about doing. Spied didn't do that to her. She settled herself down in an old chair, curling herself up into a ball. He remembered the crackers in his pocket and stopped playing.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"I guess," Jude shrugged.

"I'll order us a pizza,"Tommy joked.

A slight smile appeared on Jude's face as Tommy pulled crackers out. He waved them for her to see.

"From lunch," he told her.

"Did you pocket the free butter, too?" Jude laughed.

She paused. Shock from the courage in words. She glanced at Tommy nervously, his expression unreadable. But, he had seen. The shock in her eyes at the sound of her voice. She looked worried. If she was afraid to tell a joke, Tommy wondered if she was afraid to sing. She stood, crossing the room slowly, taking one of the crackers from his hand.

"Back in my day," he said, faking the voice of an old man, "we were grateful for crackers."

Jude cracked another smile and bit off a small corner. She ate slowly, carefully. She seemed uninterested. How could she not be hungry?

"This," Tommy said, trying to make conversation, make her smile. "This is tourtiere."

Jude shot him a questioning glance and he went on to explain.

"Momamare, she used to make it. It's a meat pie... Pork, spice, it's the best pastry. See, we only got it at revion."

"You french, Quincy?" Jude asked tentatively.

He frowned, wishing she wouldn't talk like that. Look away from him like that. He would rather suffer her wrath, the angry Jude from before. He didn't like this. It was scaring him.

"You actually think my name is Quincy," he said in mock-seriousness.

She half-smiled again. Considered her options as he finished his cracker. Turning away from him, she decided to make peace.

"I'm sorry for being so mad at you, before," she told him. "About Sadie..."

"Well, even directed at me," Tommy took his chance to make a stab at Jude. "It's even better than no emotion at all."

"I have emotion," she said softly, confused.

"Really?" he said, the words biting. "Then prove it."

"Tommy, I," Jude shook her head, at a loss for words.

"How about we write song," Tommy suggested.

Jude held her breath. She couldn't write a song with Tommy. She couldn't write songs for other people anymore. They had to be kept her secrets. But, she couldn't refuse Tommy, either. She didn't see the point in saying "no" ever again.