Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The song in this story is "The Song to Say Goodbye" by Placebo.

Chapter four.

xoxo

I can hear my cellphone ringing through the pipes. I left my bag upstairs. I took my guitar and I left my bag. I'm an idiot. Tommy says nothing, and I'm grateful for that. He goes to move, but I cross the room first. I speed my way over to him and pull a chair beside the piano. I don't want to use my guitar. I prop it against the piano and fold my legs. He finds a notebook and a pencil. I'm scared. I don't know what I left in me to write about. I can't remember what my songs used to be. It seems forever ago. I'm reminded of the look on Tommy's face as I try to reflect. The one when he realized where we were. My old self is something ancient, and untouchable. I think if I ever were to find her, I'd have that face. That awe. Of who I once could be. Never again.

"Story about a girl?" Tommy asks.

"Yeah," I nod.

"And..." he waves his hand for me to continue.

"And, she's singing to someone," I don't know what else to say.

"To who?" he's being so patient, I can't understand it.

"Herself," my voice barely a whisper.

"What's she saying?" Tommy's face so blank, and I can't breathe.

"She misses her," I don't know if that makes sense.

None of this does.

Tommy begins to play, the notes feeling like shards of broken glass. Mirrors, reflecting. Hanging like wind-chimes, twinkling in the wind. And they take me, carry me somewhere. I can feel my voice, climbing up my mouth, escaping from my lips. I couldn't have stopped it, not even if I'd wanted to.

"You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space."

The music doesn't stop, doesn't let me go. I hate me. This new me, this stupid, clumsy, chicken-shit me. The old me, the one from the Before, she was beautiful. I remember feeling beautiful, once. Like you smell rain on the asphalt and remember the way it feels pouring hard against your skin. My eyes are closed. I can't stop now. If I stop, I'll never open my mouth again.

"Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.
My Oh My."

I had no idea what innocence really meant. I had no idea what it felt like to hurt. Dad cheating on mom, and the divorce, and her dating Don, and Sadie with Tommy, then not with Tommy. That love I had for Tommy. That crazy, amazing, desperate love. And Kat, and Spied, and Jamie. I had no idea what it was like to hurt. I only thought I understood.

"You were mother nature's one,
Someone to whom I could relate,
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sorted twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up,
To pull you from the liquid sky,
Coz if I don't we'll both end up,
With just your song to say goodbye.
My Oh My."

It's not fair that I had to die. It's not fair that I have to stay. Just this ghost, translucent, haunted, haunting. I can walk through walls and sink through the ground, but I can't forget.

"A song to say goodbye,
A song to say goodbye,
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye."

I stop, finished, exhausted. Struck suddenly by the silence. It's been quiet for a long time, only my voice echoing and bouncing off of the walls. I'm afraid to open my eyes. I don't want to see Tommy. I don't want Tommy to see me. If I listen closely enough, I hear the soft scratching of a pen against paper. And, I know he's writing the words down. The words meant for me and only me. The secrets. No longer secrets. How much did those lyrics give away? Could he tell by reading? Would he know? I breathe deeply and listen. To the scratching, and scratching, and then... nothing. I have to know, now. I have to look. So I lift my lids.

Tommy won't look at me. He's staring down at the paper with my newest lyrics. He's looking at the piano keys, the candle's flame. He looks lost, his eyes big, glassy. And, I am a horrible person. Because he didn't deserve this. That fear. I gave him that fear. And it's all over me. For me. He doesn't deserve it. This. It's my problem, not his. He shouldn't have to suffer over my problem. I shouldn't have done that to him. I should keep my mouth shut. I can't trust me. I should never trust me again. He doesn't deserve this. I'm a horrible person. I'm a horrible, horrible person.

"Jude," he says quietly, his eyes downcast.

No, that's not my name. Jude is a dead body lying in an alleyway. With white skin and blue lips. That's not my name. I have no name. I am nothing, and I am no one. Tommy can't even look at me.

"Talk to me, Jude," he whispers. "Talk to me. Please."

I hear the way his voice breaks. Why is he so scared? Why can't he forget? My phone ringing and ringing upstairs. Leave me alone, the whole world. Just leave me alone. I won't answer him. I won't look at him. I stand up, the tears brimming in my eyes. I need to get out of this room. The sticking tomy body. Clogging my throat, filling my lungs, all the exits. I can't escape. I can't breathe. The air that's notair at all. It's like that movie, Event Horizon. The boy got sucked into outer space and all his veins were bulging. Blood came from out of his eyes and mouth and nose. From beneath his finger-nails and toe-nails. I'm dying.

I'm standing. I'm at the door. I don't know how I got here. I don't know anything. Just that I can't get out. I can't get out. My fists banging on the door. I don't know Tommy. Tommy doesn't know me. This room is too small. And, I just keep banging. Slamming my fists. Let me out. Someone, let me out. I don't want to be here anymore. In this place. In me. But I'm trapped. I'll never be free again. Never ever again. I keep banging on these doors and they won't open. I can't get out, I can't get out. I'm dead already. Starved from smiles and beautiful music and sunlight. I'm dead already. And, the door won't open. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can ever do. This is forever. It doesn't matter how hard I pound. There's nothing I can do. Falling back and letting my knuckles drag against the wall, shredding the skin. Nothing hurts anymore. Nothing except the bone-breaking sobs. My heart too big, pressing against my ribs, and breaking.

Arms around me. Strong arms and chest, wrapping me and holding me. This isn't what I wanted. Ever. I pull back. I have to fight back. He can't hold me. He doesn't understand what it means to be held. He doesn't know how it hurts. He doesn't know. He can't know. He can't understand. He has to stop it, now. He has to let me go. It's too late. He's not holding anyone anymore. I'm already dead. Can't he see that? Let me go, let me go. There's nothing to hold. Don't give me hope. Don't make me think it could ever be okay again. Just let me go. Stop it. Stop it. Tommy, you have to stop it. Let me go. Let me go. But, I weaken. I can't fight him anymore. I don't want to. And, he's just holding me. Mywails echoing, and bouncing off the walls. I feel him lift me, carry me. Cradling me in his arms, strong arms, settling us down on the couch. I curl against him, sobbing and sobbing. His body rocks in silent sobs. I'm scaring him. And, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. My eye-lids drift shut. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. All the blood draining. From my eyes and mouth. And nose. From beneath my finger-nails. My toe-nails. I'm dying. And, for the first time since It happened, I drift to sleep.

IIIII

"I'm your lover, Jude. I'm your lover. And, you don't know what that is yet, but you will. I'm the most gentle lover, Jude. I'll touch you so delicate, like you deserve to be touched. Like an angel. And, when I'm fillin' that secret place inside you-"

My eyes snapping open, my own yelp filling the silence, waking me, and Tommy. It takes me a moment to remember where we are, what we're doing here. What happened to us. The reason why my cheeks are sticky with dried tears. I don't want to see the questions inside Tommy's eyes. I don't want to see the questions in his eyes. I don't want to face this. But, he's so warm. I don't want to move, either. I can't bring myself to run.

"Hi," Tommy's voice so tender.

He pets my hair softly and I lean back against him. Emotions brewing in my stomach, tumbling, he's stirring things up inside me. I don't know what I feel.

"Hi," I whisper.

I lean back against him and we sit there for a long time. Silent. I want to kiss him. I know I can't. But, I feel his lips on the top of my head. I breathe carefully. Stirring everything up. I don't know. It feels strange. Neither bad, nor good. Just something. Better than nothing. Then the door opens and I hate whoever does that. Opens that door. It's either Sadie, or Jamie, or mom. All three appear in the doorway, confused looks on their face. Inside here, I could sit with Tommy forever. Out there, I have to pretend. I have to go back to the way it was. I'll never sleep again. I jump to my feet, releaved smile suddenly painted on my face. I don't know how I'm doing this. I just am.

"Thank god," I say. "We've been trapped in here all night. I'm starving."

I don't look at Tommy. I'm only aware of the fact that he lingers. I'm out the door, and headed upstairs, but he stays to collect my guitar. My lyrics. Blow out the candles.