Song to Say Goodbye Chapter 5: I'm Going to Let You Hurt Me, an instant star fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own jack. This song is Criminal, by Alexz Johnson. Random quotes by T.S. Eliot from The Waste Land. I've also quoted Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk. The thing the monster man says. Yeah...

Note: The quotes through this story are in parentheses and bold.

Chapter five.

He looked like Cillian Murphy. The bad man in Red Eye. His face long, skin pale and smooth. High cheek-bones, piercing blue eyes, like the Monster Man's eyes. His lips pouted, body strong. Sloppy brown hair. He wore sex like cologne. He was Cillian Murphy to Jude. The essence of him, the way he made her feel. Like she wanted to scream and run away, or kiss him hard on the mouth. Or both. Only, that was every man to Jude, now. Cillian Murphy had just been one of the few that made her feel that way Before. An eerie, sexual vibe. But, this was the After, and men couldn't be anything but sexual. She knew what they had inside all of them. What they all could do. Every man, now, was a sexual being. She couldn't look at one and not wonder what they would be like to touch, and be touched by. She couldn't look at one and wonder what he could do. She couldn't forget.

(I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.)

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hello," he replied. "I'm James Quantrill. And, you must be Jude Harrison. It's nice to meet you."

They shook hands, his face beaming so kindly. But, his hand felt different from his gaze. His hand was big, and warm, and strong. Capable. Powerful. He could do so many things to her with those hands. Dropping it, Jude let her arms hang limply at her sides. She was wrong to think those things. She had no right. He was just a man. James Quantrill. He smiled so sweetly. She was a mental rapist, wasn't she? She was just like the Monster. Contorting the world. Insane. It was disgusting. She didn't even know James. He wasn't a bad person. He just had a firm handshake. That's supposed to be a good sign in the world. He was just James Quantrill. Her new producer.

Every memory blurred and spinning inside the blender that was her mind. Shredded and colorful but sensless. Orderless. All that she knew was what she had, and what she didn't. Kwest. She didn't have Kwest anymore. He asked too many questions. Just like Tommy. Worse than Tommy because she thought that she could trust him. Trust him to stay the same. But, he didn't. He got worried, asked too many questions. She had to fire him and avoid him, too. Darius didn't ask questions. He was nice enough because Jude was doing well enough. Though, his new name for her was "Diva".

"I'm really looking forward to working with you," James said.

He had an irishaccent. There was something wrong with her attraction. It wasn't normal. Not the way she'd felt for men Before. This time there was something dark beneath her needs. She nodded. So quiet. Unsure. Wanting and fearing. She didn't know what to do with herself anymore. What words and thoughts to trust. Like some unreliable narrator. Where you know what's going on inside your head, and you think you understand it. You think you do. Except, every bit of it's a lie. She knew that, too. Everything was a lie, and it was wrong, and ugly. This man was standing in front of her, and she wanted to fuck him. It would only make things worse. But, maybe that's what Jude needed. To hurt herself so badly she would never be afraid again. What would be left in the world to fear? When you have nothing, there's nothing to lose. When you've sunk to the bottom, the only way to go is up. Over his shoulder, she noticed Tommy enter G-Major. She'd been dancing around him all week. They hadn't spoke once and she wasn't sure how she'd managed that. She only knew that she didn't want to start now. Taking hold of Jame's wrist, she pulled him inside Studio C, locking the door behind her.

"Lets get started then," she said happily. "I have a song I'm actually ready to record."

"Great," he says. "Our first song."

She grinned, that was cute of him to say. Then they set up. She didn't feel nervous about singing this one. He didn't know her. He couldn't be concerned. He had nothing to compare this to. She settled on her stool and before he could press Record, the door swung open. It was Tommy, shutting it behind him. Saying things she couldn't hear through the glass. She prayed that James would be angry and kick him out, or something. But, he didn't. He smiled. Motioned for Tommy to have a seat, though Tommy shook his head. He stayed on his feet, leaning against the wall, arms folded. His eyes sending shivers shooting down her spine. She cleared her throat. So much for nerves. He pressed Record. She sang.

"I won't deny, I faked it
Don't wanna lie, I'm jaded
I wanna scream when inside I'm breaking down
I've left the stone I was under
I'm running home, you won't find her
She walks alone all through this broken town."

She kept her eyes closed. She kept them on James. On the walls, the floor, whatever. Never Tommy. Tommy, clenching his teeth. His whole body rigid, cold. He felt the wrong inside his chest and spreading. He didn't know how to save her. Always scooping her up off the ground when she'd fallen. This time she had yet to land. There was nothing he could do. Except watch. Maybe catch her.

"Goin' the wrong way down a one way street
Where the feeling is criminal
Nobody helps me out when I bleed
Just a look, look, looking for someone like me
Where the feeling is mutual
Can anybody see what I see
Cuz I don't see me."

Tommy ached. He could see through her skin, the way everything inside her, all the veins and muscles were collapsing. He wanted to wrap himself around her, hold her there inside of him. Keep her safe. Love her.

"I blow away the ashes
I clear his face to look at it
He stole my name while I waited lost and found
I found a place where I'll keep you
Cuz I won't live through you or beneath you
I walk this way where these winds won't bring me down."

Tommy stopped breathing. Who stole Jude's name?

Let me be
Stayin at all
Don't waste it on me
Cuz if I take a chance
And if I hurt again
And if I let you in
Be my reckoning
Ooo, hey!"

What happened to her? His stomach twisting. What happened?

He had no idea.

(Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,
Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.
But at my back in a cold blast I hear
The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear.)

xoxo

I can't read lips. I can't understand them. Talking. Pointing to the sound-board and talking. My Tommy. My Tommy, not mine. Don't let him in James. He's a liar, a manipulator. He's not what you want him to be. And, there's nothing I can say. Papa Bear advising Baby Bear. He'll kill you first, James. Before he lets you take his place. Maul you, shred you. But, maybe I'm talking about myself again. I don't know anymore. It hurts to think. My throat is dry. There are no words.

(I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Oed' und leer das Meer.)

"Alright, Jude," James says through the silence. "That was just about perfect. I think we'll give it one more shot, and that's a wrap. I'll give you a quick break first, though. Tommy wants to talk to you."

"I'd rather not," I tell him. "I'd rather just sing the song."

Don't look at Tommy. Don't even think about Tommy. Don't remember his smiles, and his glares. The way he raised his eyebrows, ran his fingers through his hair, watched me. The way he's watching me now. Don't even think. Too late. He's looking at me and James is saying something, confused. He's sounds as silent to Tommy as he does to me. I meet the blue eyes with my own. And, I shouldn't have done that. He's begging for answers. He's begging. And I can't give them. I know as much as he does. Less. And, if I open my mouth, all that he'll have is the black hole inside me. A swarm of knives flying at his face. It won't help us any. My life is a city of ruins. I'm sorry. I have nothing to give you.

(I will show you fear in a handful of dust.)

Tommy uncrosses his arms. He stands straighter. One more moment, his anchor eyes pulling me down. Then he's gone. Flying out the door and away. I hear the slam, even though I can't.

IIIII

(He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience.)

I am in love with the Monster Man. I am obsessed by him. It's a matter of not biting the hand that feeds you. Just licking it's fingerson your hands and knees like a dog. I live off of fear, and anger, and sadness. Ivy growing in a shadow. Daddy, you're little girl grew up and ran away to Ireland. The Ireland that James tells me about. With it's stars and it's fields and it's peace. You're little girl grew up, daddy, and you wouldn't like who she's become. Be grateful I stopped taking your calls. The one good thing in my life. I'm just saving you from disappointment. My mom and her Don. Sadie and her distance. But, dad... Daddy... I have to push you away.

I think these things with his photo in my hand. Daddy. It's been two days. Three days. Five. I don't know. I only know how to avoid things. Like Tommy, and Kwest, and Darius, and dead-lines. I'm home and then I'm not home. I'm singing and then I'm not singing. The moments seperate. I forget how they link in the end. I don't care.

(I can connect
Nothing with nothing
The broken fingernails of dirty hands.)

Mom and Don are getting married. I don't want think about that. It can't mean anything right now. I'm just understanding that I'm not a virgin anymore. That I'll never ever have this special first time. James comes into the room and I don't even know how to see him. See anything beyond the memory. Burn my name, my mouth, my eyes. Burn my memory. I am not right. I can only feel the echo of his words. Things I had forgotten. Something buried inside myself.James istalking but I can't hear him. I don't even remember where I am or how I got here. Is he in my house? Is this my room? Are we at the studio? I can't breathe. I think the Monster Man said more things to me than I can remember.James istalking and I won't hear it.

"I want you always to remember this," he'd said. The monster of a man. "So no matter who you're with, I'll always be there."

There's another face in front of mine. I can't breathe. Burn my name.James was here, still is here, I don't know. Burn my mouth.James issaying things but I can't understand. I can't see his face. Burn my eyes. Stones piling ontop of my chest, crushing my ribs against my heart. Burn my memory. I wish he'd murdered me. I wish he'd murdered me. I wish he'd murdered me. I wish he'd murdered me. I am not right. Go away, James. Leave me alone. I'm never alone. Monster Man's a skeleton inside my closet. I'm locked inside the closet, too. His bone fingers over my mouth. Around my wrists. I am not right. I am not right. Fuck off, James. Get out of my head. It's too crowded for you. He's touching me and I can't feel his hands. His face is so close and his eyes are afraid. Screw you, James. There's no such thing as love. I won't cry. I can't cry.

(Fear death by water.)

IIIII

That night and it's hard to remember the time from between then and now. Just that something happened inside of me. A twister inside my mind.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, earlier," I tell James. "A lot of stuff has been getting to me lately. I guess I just kind of broke down."

"I'm so sorry, Jude," James smiles softly. "I had no idea."

"Well, I haven't really told anybody," I shrug. "It's not your fault... My mom, she's, uh, getting re-married."

"I'm sorry," he shook his head understandingly. "That must be hard for you."

"Yeah," I nod, chewing on my bottom lip in a way that I know appears sexy. "And, I'm not a big fan of the fiance, either. He was her divorce lawyer."

"You're kidding me?" he laughs.

"No, no, my friend," I say. "I kid you not."

It's so easy being with him. Talking to him. Like nothing happened. He can't tell the difference from this Jude to the Before Jude. He has no idea how much he'd love me. If I was still that girl. Before. She was so beautiful, and happy. He would have loved her, and loved her. My eyes are almost welling with tears. I'm tired of suffocating. He keeps looking at me like he wants to kiss me. And, I just wish he would. I don't know why. It would destroy me, I get that. But, maybe I don't want to be careful. Smart. Do the right thing. Fuck the right thing. Maybe being destroyed is the only way I'll be left alone. Because there's nothing left to take. I'm falling off a cliff. I just keep falling. It's time to slam against the earth. Shatter every bone.

"Thank you for being there," I tell him. "Thanks for not freaking out. You know, listening."

"Of course," he says.

"I really appreciate it," I continue. "It means a lot to me."

I keep inching closer. He's not realizing at first. It doesn't register, none of it does. Not until I'm too close. Right in front of him. Looking at him and asking. Asking with my silence, with my face, with my eyes. My hands on his chest. Feeling the muscles beneath the fabric of his shirt. So capable of doing anything he wants to me. Show me. Show me what you can do. Show me what you are. Show me. His smile changes. To a frown. Uncomftorable. He wanted this. Now he's not so sure. Don't you back down on me. You asshole, don't you be afraid. This is what you want. This is what you are. Show me. Show me. The truth about men. The monsters in men. Show me.

I press my lips against his lips. He kisses back, uncertainly. I have to pull my body closer. Heat like fire licking our skin. There has to be more than this. I step back. Look into his eyes, that contact never breaking. Don't be afraid of me. Trust me. I should be the one afraid. Pulling my shirt up and over my head. The moment he returns to view, something has changed. Fear, fear, fear. Coward. Fucking coward.

"We can't do this, Jude," he breathes.

"We can do anything," I tell him. Un-button my jeans. "Make love to me."

"You're too young for me," he blinks.

"Tell me, James," my voice harsh. "What defines age? What youth do I have to salvage? What are you trying to save me from?"

I slip off my jeans and now it's just the bra and the panties. He looks so sad. The pain etched on his face like years behind bars. I'm not the wrong one. I'm not the bad one. I'm not. He wants this. I'm giving him what he wants.

"God," he whispers.

"There's no such thing as God," I say. "There's only what you want."

(And I Tiresias have foresuffered all
Enacted on this same divan or bed;
I who have sat by Thebes below the wall
And walked among the lowest of the dead.)

James swallows. Walks across the room. Locks the door. There's a moment where everything inside me freezes. The moment between the click of the lock and his turning back to face me. His eyes drilling holes inside my body. So sad. Unclasping my bra, sliding down my panties. I have to un-button his jeans, un-zip them. He can do whatever he wants to me, but not that. Not take off his jeans. I don't know why. It has to be this way. It has to be this way. It has to...