Disclaimer: Same as all the other times, people.

Note: I'm sorry how this chapter seems to go by so fast. And, I'm sorry there's not a lot of dialog. I promise, next chapter there will be, though. I'm not sure how to make it better, though, so this is me settling on something I don't like very much. It's a hard story for me to write. Anyways, as usual, thank you guys so much for the comments. They mean a lot to me.

Chapter eight.

xoxo

I don't know what I want but I don't want this. I don't want to live with this. Someone carved their name into the sidewalk when the cement was still wet. Andy. Now he's there forever. Like the Monster Man carved his name into my skin. I don't want to live with this. Andy was the Monster Man, I imagine. Before there was a monster. But, all little boys grow up to break girls hearts. Andy wanted to be remembered. Nobody ever looked at him, nobody ever knew that he existed. And, all he wanted was to be remembered, that attention. He wanted to own something. Mean anything to someone. His name carved in stone, in skin. In blood. Andy, I remember you. Andy, you will live forever. Through me, and every person I touch. Because every person I touch turns to ash. I remember you Andy. I remember...

IIIII

Jump forward. To my album release party. They got me this red dress, and I feel transparent. I don't like the way I get looked at. The men throwing me down in their minds, already taking what they wanted. It's hard to play normal. I have to dance and sing on stage, and laugh with my band, and smile for pictures. I have to sign things, and answer questions. Tommy stays there, like he's trying to be comforting. Hand on my shoulder, never leaving. I can't appreciate that anymore. I never feel so alone as when he's in the room. Beside me. Touching me. You can't comfort me. It's too late for that. I'm far away, and I can't feel you anymore. I'm dead in an alley, I'm pacing in a cage, I'm lost in a memory, I'm not Jude Harrison. My smile hurts my face. I want to cry all the time. And, that's the truth about lies.

IIIII

I want to start over. My whole life. I want to start over. And, I'd never enter any contests. I would never become an instant star. I could have lived in Sadie's shadow. It's better than not living at all. In the spotlight I melt because it's too hot and my skin feels sticky. I get claustrophobic. I had to leave the party. I had to hide. I'm in Studio A where it's quiet. I curl up in a ball on the couch. I want to go to sleep. I want to kill myself, maybe. I don't know. I haven't decided yet. I do know that I'm a burden. I do know what I deserve. The old Jude inside of me, a fist beating like my heart against ribs. Let me out, she screams, let me out. Maybe death could achieve that. But at the same point, how melodramatic would that be? I don't know, there's no way out. I don't know. It's not fair. It's not fair.

"Jude," the door opens and a voice calls in.

This isn't real. It's not. No. It doesn't have to be. Monster Man stepping into the room, little boy Andy. He shuts the door behind him, and then he locks it. It's not real. It won't be real. I won't let it be real. Just curled up in a ball on this couch. Monster Man smiling, little boy Andy lost. If I close my eyes tight enough, I'm in Ireland. The Ireland that James told me about. James, he's a whole life-time away. I'm an old woman looking back on her life. I live in Ireland. I get drunk, and I dance in the rain. I keep going, traveling, the whole world in the palm of my hand. I'm not here. Nothing is happening here. Nothing exists. This room, so ancient, falling apart. I'm in Paris and Italy. I'm in tropical rain-forests of South America, of Africa. I'm living with Daoists in China. I'm worshipping Buddah in India. I'm not here. He's not here. Little boy Andy fast asleep and dreaming of the future.

There are too many sounds. Not my screaming, don't listen to my screaming. This isn't happening. I'm in the Sahara. I'm lost in Wonderland. Curiouser and curiouser. I'm in the land of Oz. Emerald City. Only, in the book it wasn't actually emerald. He made the people wear goggles with green lenses, he said that the emeralds reflecting the sun were too brilliant for eyes to stand. He said you'd go blind if you took off the goggles, looked at the light. You had to put them on with a lock and a key before you could enter. It wasn't that emerald at all, though. I'm in Egypt, in temples, in a Pharo's tomb. King Tut. Steve Martin style. I'm laughing and I'm happy and I'm anywhere. I'm on the tour bus with Spied, and Wally, and Kyle. It's last year. When my worst problem was over some boy who didn't like me back. I'm not here. This isn't happening. It's not happening. It's not happening.

IIIII

"Jude," I hear Tommy's voice.

I can almost see him right in front of me. All the sounds muffled, like water over my ears. The whole room is shaking. Sadie and Kwest stand in the doorway, wearing the same face, the same concern. The whole room, it's shaking. Tommy's hands are on my face, a palm to either cheek. I can feel him, so distantly. I think that I'm dead. That he's just holding my body while I'm passing through to the next world. There is no release in death. Just worried eyes. I can see the Monster Man, a heap on the floor, bloody and still. Too close. If he wakes up... If he wakes up... I will disappear. All he has to do is look at me and I will disappear. The room is shaking, or I'm shaking. My throat hurts, and it's from breathing. I'm alive and I'm dead. He'll kill me if he looks at me. There's scrambling. I'm not sure. Movement. I'm moving. Trying to crawl away. I see the monsterand I hear these sounds and they're my own. Strangled sobs. Tommy's arms wrapping around me, swallowing me up inside a safe darkness against his chest.

Tommy never drank unless he had to. Trying to forget the things he always would remember. Screaming. Echoing from somewhere. He couldn't find her. Screaming. A girl. The studio, the door locked. Screaming. Tommy placed a hand over his mouth. He couldn't feel it there. He had no right to feel anything. Jude. Jude screaming, Jude helpless. He couldn't save her. He had known, and feared knowing. He wouldn't save her. The stubborn denial, like weights on his shoulders, keeping him still. Silent. He had no right to cry, or scream. He didn't save her. He'd kicked down that door. The man was holding a knife. Jude was bleeding on the floor, quiet, trembling. The man was just holding this knife. He was crying. He was crying. Now he had sixty-three stitches. He had a broken jaw, and a broken wrist. Fractured ribs. And, it wasn't enough. Tommy couldn't move.

IIIII

"I don't want to know his name."

It was the only time she had spoken, and she wouldn't speak again. The rest didn't matter. Everything was brilliant white and blinding. Everything was faces crying and, I'm Sorry's. I Should Have Known's. It's My Fault's. The rest was all rape and murder. Air-conditioning too cold and goosebumps. The rest was all dead people. She could feel the blood rushing through her veins. She could feel the Monster Man, little Andy, running through her veins. Like when she was little and had a bug bite. She'd just cut the skin open as though the infection would come seeping out. If she could just slit her wrists, or something. Just get him out of her. She couldn't stand her mother's touch, or her father's, or Sadie's. She couldn't stand their eyes. She said nothing. She just didn't want to know the creatures name. She already did.

It was Jude.

IIIII

None of it was real. Jude wouldn't answer them. Spied, and Kyle, and Wally, and Kwest. Who talked like it was normal. Like they could see her lying there. Her mom, her dad, Sadie. Who had to reach out and blame themselves. Darius who made awkward conversation. Never Tommy. Who vanished from her. She just knew he testified at the trial.The Monster Man pleading insanity. No, no, his name, he has no name. Don't you dare tell me his name, Jude thought, and thought, and thought. Trapped inside her mind. Tiger pacing the cage, she was so hungry. She just missed being alive. She missed being a kid. She couldn't ever remember just being a kid. Everybody just wants to grow up until they grow up. She wasn't a virgin. She wasn't a kid. Everything kept changing and she had nothing to hold onto. All of the people in her lives kept changing. The only thing that remained the same and in her grasp were the memories. And, one kept coming back, without even trying, it just came back. Over and over, and over and over. The one she most wanted to lose.

IIIII

In her bedroom it stayed the same. There was more color and less people. She prefered it that way. And the Monster Man was in the crazy house for attempting suicide.

"If you ever wanted to kill yourself, how would you do it?" Jamie had asked, once.

"Pills," she shrugged. "That way, it's just like going to sleep."

Jude got sleeping pills from the hospital. Nobody thought to take them away. She dumped the bottle onto her bed and lined the pills carefully. She counted, and she re-counted. She shaped them into a smile face, and arranged them into a heart. She made them a sad face. She didn't cry. She put them back in the bottle and she snapped on the lid. She put the bottle in her purse, and slipped out the front door. It was three in the morning. No one heard her go. She drove and she kept driving. She found herself parked by a curb. A space beside two buildings, with a gap between them. With an alley-way. On her feet and walking in the darkness.

Burn my name, my mouth, my eyes. Burn my memory. I am not right, I am not right.

Her legs felt numb. She couldn't help where she was headed. Back down that place. To that very spot. He'd come from behind her. He called her name.

"Jude!"

She'd turned around.

"Hi Jude. I'm a big fan of yours."

"Oh," Jude said. "Thanks."

"No. Thank you."

It was still happening. It was always happening.

"I've been dreamin' of this day."

She was living inside herself.

"When I would finally get to meet Jude Harrison in person."

A cage of bones, and a cage of skin.

"You're so beautiful. All the pictures in the world couldn't do you justice."

The walls of an alley on every side.

"I've just been dreamin' of this day."

Trapped.

"You smell so sweet."

Her back against the stone.

"Even from here.
Like violets.
Sweeter then I
ever imagined.
I bet your hair feels
so
smooth,
like strands of silk between my
fingertips.
And, your skin.
I bet you have the softest skin."

He was a poem that she'd memorized. He was her world.

"I'm your lover, Jude."

He was her only one. This was the same wall and this was the same darkness. He was her lover. She was in that place. She was always in the place. And, he was always in her head.

"Get out of my head," Jude felt the scream scrape against her throat, she felt tears, she felt scars.

"I'm your lover.
And, you don't know
what that is yet,
but you will.
Now, I know
you're scared.
That's okay, everyone's
a little scared
the first time."

"Please," she cried, she felt the lump in her throat. "Please."

"I'm the most gentle lover,
Jude.
I'll touch you
so
delicate,
like you deserve to be touched.
Like an angel.
And,
when I'm fillin' that secret place inside you-"

What was the ending? She knew the beginning to the story of her life. Most people didn't. They couldn't remember their first day on earth. She could. It started with his voice. His words. Every single word. It started with the moment he pushed himself inside her. She was ready for the story to end, now. She was so tired of living in her past. She was ready for it to end.

"Oh, Jude, don't cry.
Hush now.
You'll be fine.
Shhh...
Don't fight me.
Jude.
I don't want to hurt you.
Don't make me hurt you.
Please.
Don't make me hurt you."

"Jude?" she knew that voice.

She turned her head though she could barely see his face. His hair wild, and his eyes bloodshot, a five o'clock shadow. He wore his sadness, and the same outfit they'd met in. Jeans, white t-shirt, and the leather jacket. It sent a wave of nostalgia through her body, twisting the pit of her stomach. You don't know what regret is, she thought. Until you die.

"Hi, Tommy," she whispered.