Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Note: Thank you all for the awesome reviews. Sorry it took me so long to update. I did have fun on the cruise, but I missed this, too.

Chapter ten.

xoxo

First I think it's theMonster Mancalling my name. I struggle against him before I realize it's Tommy's voice, that my eyes are closed. That I was dreaming. So I open them and he's in a panic above me, yanking me from the bed to my feet. The whole world is fuzzy, and blurred. I'm confused and I'm tired. I don't know what to say and he just keeps saying my name. Jude, Jude, Jude. My name. Me. Coming out of his mouth, over and over again. I listen with a far off feeling. Then my feet are cold and it's because we're standing on tile. The floor is his bathroom floor. The lights are blinding. His eyes are big in his face, afraid.

"Jude," he says. "Jude, how many? How many did you take? Jude?"

I don't know what he's asking me. I don't understand. How many, Jude? How many? I can't take things because I don't know what I want. I took nothing. But the rest was taken from me. Monster Man, the monster, catching my heart in his big hands. I don't know what I took. How many did I take. How many. I tried to take everything and it slipped between my fingers because I didn't know. Life is not something that can be taken. But given. I didn't know. I gave mine away to the monster because I didn't know. I let him take me. I took nothing, Tommy. I took nothing.

"Jude," he says. "Look at me, Jude. How many did you take?"

He's waving a bottle in the air and the contents inside are raddling. My sleeping pills. He found my sleeping pills. How many did I take? Oh... He thinks I'm dying now. That I've killed myself and now I'm dying. He's sort of right. I am dying. There's something wrong inside my blood that's eating me alive. I did kill myself when I let the monster inside. When I let him...

"I didn't," I manage to say. "I didn't, Tommy."

"Didn't what?" he asks, so afraid. "Didn't what?"

"Take any, Tommy," I put my hand on his arm to stop the raddling. "I didn't take any."

"Don't lie to me, Jude," his eyes are shiny with unfallen tears. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying. It's okay. I didn't take any."

I like being the one to reassure for once. It makes me feel stronger, even for a moment. Tommy's breathing begins to steady itself as he leans back against the wall and slumps down to the floor. His grip on the pill bottle loosens enough, and it falls from his hand and rolls across the floor to my feet. I bend down to pick them up and remember how content I was in his arms. That's all I need. Tommy's arms. I can sleep tonight with his arms, and tomorrow with the memory. So I kick the bottle away and bend forward slightly, extending my hand to Tommy. Let me help you up. Let me be the strong one for now. For you. Let me be the strong one. Let me be strong. Let me be. Let me... Let...

Tommy takes my hand in his and then his arms are wrapped around me and we stumble back to bed. Holding onto eachother. A warm safe feeling spreads across my body and I am content for the first time in a long while. Underneath the covers agains and I keep stroking his hair, and his face. Listening as he falls to sleep and resting my head against his chest. Closing my eyes and feeling those arms around me. All around me. Safe. So safe.

When she thought he wasn't looking, she slipped the bacon beneath her toast. She mashed the eggs with her fork and spread them out across her plate. Made it look like there was less. Like she was eating. When she thought he wasn't looking, her hand shot up to cover her mouth as she gagged. The smell of food too much, making her stomach tumble, a wrong feeling inside. Too full and heavy. Too weak. Tommy said nothing because there were no words for what he felt. For watching Jude struggle against herself. To try for him, to take small and bitter bites, to fail. She was failing. And failing. She wanted so badly to eat and be normal and not have Tommy worry anymore. She blamed herself and Tommy couldn't eat either. He put down his fork and rubbed his temples, a headache edging on.

"How you feelin'?" he asked again.

"Fine," Jude lied.

She could feel the stab-wounds. She could remember how strange the metal was inside her body. She could remember the Monster Man's eyes. But fine, she was fine. She didn't die and she was here with Tommy and he cared about her. She was fine. She had to be fine.

"You should call home," he stood, beginning to clear the table. "They've gotta be worried, Jude. They're probably looking for you."

"No," she shook her head, standing as well to help. "No, they're not. I left a note."

It was a lie but she didn't want to rush this. She didn't want her frantic father. She didn't want to go home. There was no home.

"I can take care of it," Tommy told her, taking the plate from Jude and turning back to the sink.

She nodded, leaning back against the table. She found something soothing in the motions. In his silence. I'll take care of it. Water running over glass, he loaded the dishwasher, they were quiet. He could feel her eyes staring. When he turned back he found a look of contentment on her face. Something endearing. She simply watched. Soothed by Tommy, by his words.

"I'll take care of you," he said.

She nodded again. Finding more meaning in the words that weren't spoken. In everything moving like slow motion. Tommy floating toward her, his hands against her skin. His finger-tips running over the smoothness, like silk. Over her arms, and her neck, and her face. He pressed his lips to her temple. Beneath her ear. The tip of her nose. Over each closed eyes. He pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth. He pressed his lips to her lips. He nuzzled his face against her neck, he wrapped his arms around her. Jude felt herself lifting, floating. They were hovering above the ground. That's the only way Jude could remember it. They were flying. Infinite. And she didn't know what that meant. To let someone touch her. To let someone love her.

But she had too much passion in her heart. And nothing could take that away.

IIIII

"Jude, where have you been?" her father had wild eyes.

"Out," she answered lamely. "I've just been out."

She wasn't sorry. She could feel things like love. She could feel warm hands, she could feel safe.

"You can't just leave like that, Jude," her father said. "Without a note or anything."

"Well, I'm thinking about moving out," she said quietly.

"To where?" he sounded horrifed.

"I have another apartment..." she chewed on her fingernails nervously.

This she was sorry about.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Why?"

He sounded like James. Like she was breaking his heart. But it wasn't like that. This was what she needed.

"Can we please not argue about this?" she begged. "Please."

Everything happened quickly after that. She didn't answer Sadie's questions. She just packed. Everything. She loaded up her whole life into a couple of suit-cases and she lugged them to her car out front. She felt like she was leaving something behind. Eyes following her as she pulled away. She felt like she could start over. She had Tommy now. She didn't need anyone else.

IIIII

Jude was un-packing when the door opened. She turned around, her body stiff until she saw Tommy standing in the doorway. He frowned, looking at her bags and shaking his head. He didn't understand, she knew. She didn't know if she could explain.

"What are you doing, Jude?" he sounded so tired.

"I couldn't stay there anymore," she shook her head. "But, it's better this way."

"Is it?" Tommy asked. "Running away, Jude, does that make anything better?"

"You know, I thought you of all people would understand," Jude shook her head.

"I think I understand more than you do," Tommy said, rubbing his forehead.

"What?" Jude felt hate storming inside of her. How could he say that? "What? You understand more than I do? You don't understand ANYTHING. You don't know what it was like. You have no idea what it was like."

"So tell me," Tommy said softly.

"No," Jude's body jolted at the idea. Actually describing it. Seeing Tommy's face... "No. It... It won't change anything."

"Maybe it will," Tommy said.

"Go home, Tommy," Jude sighed. "Just go home."

"I'll go home when you go home," Tommy shot.

"I have no home," Jude said coldly.

She walked to the door and pulled it open, standing aside and motioning for Tommy to leave. He stood still for a moment before walking toward her. He stopped when he was too close, and Jude could breathe in the sent of smoke on his skin, and leather from his jacket.

"I won't let you push me away," he said quietly.

Then turning, he walked out the door. And she slammed it shut behind him.