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Chapter twelve.

She's screaming. Sobbing screaming, no, no. No. No. Help. And she's on the other side of the door that won't open. Open. Everything fuzzy and slow and he can't save her. He can't save her. And he can't hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. Because it won't be. And he's pounding against the wood with his fists and he remembers Jude pounding against the wood with her fists when they were locked in the Chrome Cat. He remembers the way he did nothing. Could do nothing. He was nothing. Nothing, nothing, the pounding echoing, his name, she's screaming his name. Tommy, Tommy. He can see it happening. Jude in an alley, Jude curled on the floor dripping red. Tommy, Tommy. The pounding and her face, scared, scared, scared. Alone. But there's a knife in his hands and the pounding sounds like tribal drums. And he's pinning her in alley-way. And he's hurting her. It's him. It's him.

He woke up gasping, a lump in his throat, his cheeks slippery from tears. Lost in the darkness. It was hot and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe and the pounding wouldn't stop. He could still here her voice. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. It took too long to remember. He didn't want to remember. The first time he'd seen Jude After. And her hands were shaking and he was so mean and she was so quiet. Her hands were shaking. He could still here her voice. Tucking his head between his knees and focusing on her voice. Quiet. His name wrapped inside her voice. She always sounded like music. Even when she wasn't singing, she sounded like music. And he could breathe again. Rubbing his face in his hands, willing the knots inside of him away. He realized she was outside of his apartment.

IIIII

"Hi," she looked frail, and tired.

Her sweater and jeans hung loosely on her body. She'd lost weight. She looked so small. Tommy blinked, nodding. He didn't know how to talk to her. His dream... All he could see was his dream. Moving aside and opening the door a little wider to let Jude pass through. She stepped inside hesitantly. Her eyes were big in her face, uncertain. Like she didn't know why she was there either. And he'd held her so many times but he felt like he couldn't touch her now. He shut the door and went to shove his hands in his pockets when he remembered he had none. So they hung awkwardly at his sides. He had no idea what to do with himself.

"I slept with James again," she said, then shaking her head angrily.

There were too many things she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him how she talked to him all the time, imagined he was with her, that he loved her. But she didn't think anyone could ever love her again. She didn't think she'd let them. And she wanted to tell him how she hated being alone and she hated being with people. She wanted to tell him that she hated herself. That she wished she'd died. How she stopped eating, how she was so tired, she missed feeling safe. She missed who she used to be. She wanted to tell him that he scared her most. All the things he made her feel. She wanted to say she was sorry. She was so sorry. But then she blurted out the James thing and she didn't know why. It was the only thing she could think of.

"That's not what I meant," she corrected herself quickly. "I mean, I... I didn't mean to say that. I wanted to say... I wanted..."

Her voice broke and Tommy felt the tightness returning to his throat. She didn't know what she wanted. She looked so small. She was scared. If he could keep her safe... If he could just hold her and keep her safe and never let her go...

"I was thinking about how much my life sucked," Jude whispered, her face like she was someplace else. "About Spied, and you, and Darius. I made a short-cut through the alley because I knew I'd be late... I... My car wasn't working again so I had to walk. I wasn't paying attention... I didn't see him following..."

Tommy stopped breathing. His whole body stiff, bracing himself, waiting for the pain to hit.

"He called my name, so I turned around," she continued, staring at her hands. "And, then he said, 'Hi, Jude, I'm a big fan of yours.' But... something wasn't right. Everything about him, it just wasn't right. So I said thanks, and he said, 'No, thank you.' And I was so scared of him... And I didn't know why... I didn't run from him but I could have run. I don't know why I didn't run..."

Tears falling. From Jude's eyes. Her sad, blue eyes. Like bruises.

"He said he was dreaming of the day he'd get to meet me. He said that I was beautiful, and that the pictures didn't do me justice. That he'd been dreaming of this day... He said that I smelled sweet. Even from where he was standing. That I smelled like violets. And that he bet my hair felt so smooth. Like silk. And that I had the softest skin..."

Tommy's vision blurred as he held back his sobs. He smelled the violets, too. He wanted to feel her hair, like silk, he wanted to touch her skin. He was a monster.

"He had this look on his face... I... I couldn't move. I just couldn't move. And then he said... He said... He... He said, 'I'm your lover, Jude. And you don't know what that is yet, but you will.'"

Tommy clenched his fists. She must have been so scared. Like a nightmare. She wanted to wake up, and she couldn't. No one was there. Nobody saved her. He said those things and she was scared and then it happened. Nobody saved her.

"He said, 'Now, I know you're scared. That's okay, everyone's a little scared their first time,'" it was easier for Jude to tell this part like he said it. Like it was just a story, something that happened to somebody else. "He said, 'I'm the most gentle lover, Jude. I'll touch you so delicate... like... like you deserve to be touched... Like... like an... an... angel. And, when I'm... fillin'... that secret place inside you.'"

She stumbled back and turned abruptly, making her way to the couch, her hand clapped over her mouth. He could save her now, he had to save her now. He felt himself moving, everything far away. His hands grabbing hers, pulling them away from her mouth. Letting out her sobs.

"Let it out," he told her. "Let it out."

Her whole body was shaking so hard. And he couldn't understand. He couldn't possibly understand. Why anyone would make her shake like this. Why anyone would hurt her like this. She was so beautiful, and smart, and funny. And he couldn't understand. Why anyone would take that. Why. He couldn't understand. Watching her cry so hard, like all the bones in her body would break. And he didn't know what the right thing to do for her was anymore.

"Get it out of me," it wasn't her voice, it didn't sound like her. She scratched at her chest, her throat, her nails digging into the skin. "Get it out of me. Get it out of me. Get it out of me. Get it out of me."

"Come here," he pulled her into his arms. "Come here."

They weren't sobs, the noises escaping her. They were growls, moans, inhuman, something deep in the pit of her stomach, something escaping. Good. Good, let go of it. Let go of it. Please. Tommy pressed his lips to the top of her head and he held her so tight. Let go of it. Please. Let go.

IIIII

Jude woke up in Tommy's arms. His face was twisted, like something bad was happening. There were dark circles under his eyes. She didn't want him to dream about bad things. But he needed sleep. He looked so exhausted. Like nothing was ever right, not even in his dreams. She rubbed her hands over his arms, his shoulders, and back. She rested her head on his chest and hummed softly. Glancing up to see his face again, he looked soothed this time. And she wondered what he'd been dreaming. She wondered why he was doing all this for her. Worrying for her, taking care of her. Loving her. And she still cried all the time but he wouldn't give up on her. And she wondered. Why she was worth it. Closing her eyes, she didn't intend on forgetting. All the things that scared her. But when she closed her eyes she was just so tired. Tired and comftorable, curled up against Tommy, it was so easy to forget. He didn't leave her. She couldn't believe he didn't leave her.

IIIII

"Tom Quincy."

"Jude Harrison."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"You know what."

"Yeah... Jude?"

"Tommy?"

"I love you."