Man, it's been a while. University really keeps a girl busy, I tell ya, but the sibling-esque relationship between Kaoru and Yahiko is one I've always found fascinating. It's just the actual writing about it that's been difficult.
Disclaimer: I owns it not, so keep the lawyers at bay. I don't have any room left in my dungeon...
This story is dedicated to my own little brother, and my little sister too, 'cos I miss them both now that I'm far away...
- - -
Relax, my little brother
All that you've been through, a lifetime
So cling on to me, my little brother
And we'll laugh at the grand scheme of things
-Little Brother
Turin Brakes
There are many different kinds of love. Kaoru understands that he will understand it better when he too is older and wiser. She sometimes feels older and wiser just for having met him, and wonders in her darkest, loneliest thoughts if this might be the closest she'll ever get to a child of her own…
Only, now he's not really a child at all. He's grown so much these last few years, and Kaoru sometimes acknowledges that, honestly, she never really knew him as a child anyway.
He was an old soul when they first met. Old, for all of his cocky youth and bluster, just like her.
There are similarities, she notes now, and they might always have been there, or they might just be the result of the last two years spent together under the same roof. He is stubborn, he is wilful. He always feels like he has to be the best, or everything else will just fall apart.
Honestly, she can relate. And she never wants to see him fall apart, because in this boy she sees so much potential; much more than could ever be ignored. In him she sees the heart of a true master, in an age where their craft lies ruined and dying.
And, above all, in this boy she sees herself. Only…more, because they live in a world where he can go as far as he likes, and yet she can only go as far as she's allowed. She has come to accept (and recently more so than ever) that she will always be restricted by the very things that make her Kamiya Kaoru.
Sometimes, Kaoru honestly wonders why she's not more jealous of the boy.
Sometimes, she's afraid of becoming lost and jaded in this universe that more often that not, just seems so damn unfair…
But then, it all just comes down to love again, in its many different forms and descriptions. Cliché as it seems, she quite often admits to herself that, in the end, its love that's keeping her going. Through the most rain-soaked days and worry-filled nights (she dreams too often of an empty dojo, save for the ghosts that settle over her heart), Kaoru is happy to keep on going, armed with the notion that sometimes all you can find in yourself is the reflection of what it is you love the most.And she loves this; being there for so many people who, she thinks, might just need her like she needs them. There is validation in a life built around helping others, and Kaoru once considered it something of a personal mission to help a troubled young boy become a strong and healthy young man.
Turns out, as she sees clearly now, he was already halfway there.
But that doesn't mean it's always easy…
- - -
It's not summer anymore, and at seven o'clock the stars are already out in force. The moonlight is crystal clear and overflowing, giving all the light a midnight traveller would ever need to get home.
But still, she worries, and so when the gate opens and closes with a creak and a bang, she is harsher than intended.
"Hey! You're pretty late tonight, brat."
He grins widely in response, "I heard it was your turn to cook dinner."
Sometimes, she badly wants to punch his smile…
- - -
So no, it's not always easy. Kaoru wonders occasionally if it's selfish to feel so unappreciated, or if it's just something everyone experiences from time to time. She closes her eyes and focuses on that feeling of validation again, on her most basic hope that the things she does matter. To all of them.
She seems to lose her temper with absurd ease on days like today, and crushes all the guilt she feels back down into the deepest recesses of her mind.
After all, if she's not strong (and getting stronger) all of the time, what's to stop everything else from just falling apart? She struggles like Atlas (even though his is a story she's never heard), with a weight on her shoulders she chose for herself.
But it's still all worth it. Because, in the end, clichés help articulate the things we can't quite put into our own words, and because Kaoru really, truly believes that love and family are the things that keep everyone moving and breathing and relatively unscarred. She can't get away from that.
But then, neither can she get away from the shadow that she lives in; a shadow of a dream she might never be able to realise. In this life, she can only go so far. But he can keep going.
And that, she thinks, might just be what makes this whole family idea worth it.
- - -
So, there we go. Now, all you nice people need to do is press that button down there and leave a review...