Elsie wrapped the scarf around her mouth, shivering in the dark. Around her the squad bustled, preparing horses and tossing food into saddle bags, the flames of the fire casting long shadows in the court yard. She stayed close to Suni, holding her reign tight in her shaking fist. It had been two days since the attack on Trost, since she had said the number four, and she was barely recovering. It seemed her punishment changed every time she said something; the inside of her cheeks were covered in welts that blistered and popped anytime she ate. It was terrible pain, but one she endured in silence.
"There he is." Petra whispered, her voice carrying in the dead silence.
The squad stopped to stare as Levi walked into the yard. His cloak flowed from the wind behind him, his hair swaying over his dark eyes. Behind him, thin but taller, was Eren Jeager. She could tell from his flickering eyes to his downturned lips that he was nervous. Elsie rested her cheek on Suni's side, her eyes fighting exhaustion.
"Eren Jeager, meet the squad. Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Gunther Schultz, Eld Jinn," Levi pointed to each person as he spoke. His eyes landed on Elsie's small figure. "And Elsie."
She lifted a lazy hand and Eren nodded in her direction. She turned her back to the captain and pulled herself onto the saddle, sighing when she was finally sitting. The ride would be long to the new castle but it was welcomed. There wouldn't be much talking on this trip, too focused on getting the hell out of the capital, but if there was talking it'd be over Eren.
The squad situated themselves and before long they were riding out of the wooden doors. The hooves of the horses thundered in the night, the moon their guide. Petra rode close to Eren, glancing at him every few seconds in curiosity. Elsie leaned on Suni's neck, her eyelids getting heavier every second. She wondered if it was possible to sleep on a horse. She forced them open and turned to watch Eren, letting the horse lead.
He was young. He didn't look like a war veteran yet; he held nothing when sitting beside the scarred faces of Gunther and Eld. His eyes still glimmered with hope, a beautiful gray, and his skin was full of life. To imagine that in a few weeks time he would look like a man who's seen the world set on fire.
"Elsie, you okay?" Oluo's voice sounded far away.
She hummed and pushed herself up, rubbing her eyes. He turned to stare at her from his position in front of her, concern clear on his face. His hood bounced from his horse's trot, falling back to reveal his blonde hair.
"If you need to stop tell us." He ordered.
Elsie nodded, resolute to not say a word.
After Erwin questioned her, Elsie had woken up in a bare room at the medical center. A few nurses had examined her, checking her throat for the tell tale rashes she got when she told a secret, and reported nothing strange. Elsie tried to sleep after that, but her body was sore and her mouth was keeping her awake. She was on her second day of no sleep, the aches still reminding her of her betrayal. She couldn't wait to be at the castle and fall into a bed, hopefully she would be able to sleep then.
"Halt."
Elsie hadn't realized she'd been beginning to fall forward. She yanked Suni's reigns and the horse neighed at the rough treatment, backpedaling. Levi slid off Noir and walked over to Elsie's side, taking the rope from her.
"Get off." He snapped.
Elsie got off. She stumbled when her feet touched the ground, her legs feeling like jelly, and if Levi hadn't wrapped his arm around her waist she would've eaten dirt. Her head sagged onto his shoulder, too tired to try anymore.
"What's wrong with her?" Eren asked.
"She's tired, that's all." Levi grumbled, leading her to Noir. He pushed her up the saddle before climbing up himself. She fell into his back, sighing in relief when she could close her eyes.
Levi kicked Noir and the horse snorted, beginning a slow trot. Elsie wrapped her arms around Levi's waist to keep steady, on the brink of sleep. The last thing she remembered was the smell of Levi, smoke and sweat.
Elsie woke up in a large bed with white sheets. She winced in immediate pain, holding her mouth and wishing it would be over. Tears prickled at her eyes, just wanting it to go away.
"So there is something wrong."
She looked to her right where Levi sat in a chair, papers spread out on the side table and a cup of tea in his hand. He was already looking at her, eyebrows furrowed as he examined her up and down. Elsie closed her eyes and turned her back to him, moving so that her forehead rested on her arm and her mouth was free.
"Tsk, hey shithead I'm talking to you. What the hell is going on?" He sounded annoyed, his voice raspy.
Elsie shrugged, "Nothing, sir." She felt something drip down her throat followed by a rough sting. Punishment for talking.
"Now I'm sir? You have no reason to be pissed at me," Levi snapped. "You're the one who decided to play God."
Elsie wanted to sleep. She didn't want to fight anymore.
Levi smacked the side table so hard it shook her bed, "Elsie! Fucking look at me!"
The girl rolled over in bed, her teary eyes meeting Levi's raging ones. They stared at each other in silence; Levi's lips curled in disdain and Elsie withering under his look. What was there to say? She was trying to cause less work for Levi but it seemed that he didn't care anymore.
"What the fuck is wrong?" He asked softer.
"Nothing."
Levi kicked his chair back and left the room, the door slamming behind him. Elsie rolled back over, waiting for sleep to take her away.
The welts healed over a week. Elsie only allowed herself to stay in bed the first day before she got dressed in her uniform and met Eld downstairs. He was putting out fruit for the squad to eat when they woke up, the sun having not risen yet. He was shocked to see Elsie walk down the stairs, holding an apple mid bite as she made her way to grab a banana. They exchanged silent looks, although she never expected Eld to talk first.
"Glad to see you moving, had us worried the other night. Want to join me on patrol?" Eld asked, continuing to eat.
Elsie nodded. They took the horses and rode around the castle, taking in the area and where they could do experiments with Eren. Eld filled her in about when Hange would be arriving with her squad to work with Eren to control his titan. They stopped to let the horses drink out of a small river and Eld took the chance to talk to her.
"They're saying you knew about Eren this entire time and that's why you didn't tell us about the Colossal Titan," Eld brushed at his horse's mane. "Are you going to help Hange with the experiments?"
"I don't know," She muttered, her eyes falling at the mention of the attack. She was filled with shame and she wondered if it would ever leave. Elsie thought she wouldn't feel this guilty knowing that she had done it for the right reasons. "They don't want anything to do with me."
Eld stared into the trees, "Don't include the captain in that, little miss."
"I messed it up, Eld," Elsie couldn't stop the tears from falling, a pathetic sob escaping her mouth. "You all hate me. I thought I made the right decision, I told myself that it was worth it, that I could handle it. I can't."
"How do you know? You haven't been around us. You were in the infirmary at the capital and slept the entire ride here. You spent the day in your room. You'd be shocked how everyone is after they've calmed down."
Elsie furiously wiped away her tears, "Sure, Eld."
"Has anyone ever told you that you overthink?" He attempted to joke.
She rolled her eyes, "No."
"Well, you do. Pull yourself together so we can head back."
Elsie shook her head and rubbed at her face, knowing nothing would help to hide her swollen eyes and red cheeks. Eld led the way back to the castle, the sun casting refreshing rays of light on their backs. The trees swayed in the gentle wind, green in the summer, and she enjoyed the silence. The castle towers appeared over the tops of the trees before they broke the tree line.
She stuck to Eld's side as they entered the building, walking to the loud dining room. She felt her skin rise when the table fell silent; Levi at the head scowling at her, Petra hesitantly biting into a biscuit, Oluo looking unbothered, Gunther chugging water, and poor Eren looking confused at the sudden change in attitude. Elsie pulled at her fingers.
"Report." Levi snapped.
"We found a spot to begin the experiments west of here." Eld said.
Eren looked confused, "Already?"
"Yes." Levi grabbed his cup of tea and the table continued to talk.
Elsie sighed and sat across from Eren, leaving a seat between her and Oluo. She picked at the porridge, daring herself to take a bite, when her eyes raised and met Eren's worried ones. She waited till she had his undivided attention before pretending to bite her hand. It seemed to confuse him more but she felt that she got her point across.
"How do you feel, Elsie?" Petra asked, the table quieting.
Elsie shrugged, "Fine, thank you."
"You had us worried," Gunther continued, wiping at his mouth. Elsie looked at him in wonder. "Thought you died on the way here, we could barely hear you breathing."
"Always got to have to all the attention, huh?" Oluo teased through a mouth full of food.
Elsie grinned half heartedly and returned to her porridge, "Someone has to take it off you."
He chuckled and reached over, giving her shoulder a friendly push. Elsie looked at Eld, his lips turned in a small smile in a 'I told you so' way. Eating felt a lot easier after that.
Elsie stood pliantly beside Levi, her hood pulled up to keep the sun out of her eyes as she watched Eren awkwardly stand before them. He looked around, taking in the Scouts that surrounded him with their blades drawn. Hange was foaming at the mouth, her ODM gear on but her blades sheathed. Hibolt looked about about ready to have a conniption at his captain's attitude.
"Okay Eren, all you have to do is transform." Hange talked like she was speaking to a baby.
Eren frowned, "I told you already, I don't know how!"
"It's okay. Just think of the first time you did it, what you did." She talked him through it.
Elsie tried to convey for Eren to look at her but he was focused on Hange. Elsie peeked at Levi, his stone faced focused on the teenager, expecting the most out of him. She felt for Eren.
"I can't." Eren rubbed at his face, clenching his eyes shut and trying with all his might to make something happen.
Eld raised a shiny sword, "If I may suggest... Why don't we let Elsie have a chat with him?"
Hange spun to stare at her, as if just realizing she was there. Levi tensed beside her. The two captains had a silent conversation before Levi nodded at Elsie. She inhaled before taking slow steps towards Eren.
"Why do they want you to talk to me? Are you one of me?" Eren asked when she was close, flustered and breathing heavily.
Elsie shook her head, "I just know some things. I think what may help you is if you inflict self pain," She waited for a rash to spread but nothing happened. Was this what she was supposed to use her gift for? To help Eren? "Try biting your hand."
"Biting myself? You have to be kidding me. I definitely know I didn't do that." Eren rolled his eyes.
Elsie frowned, "No, but you did lose a leg."
"Wait, how do you know about that? No one knows that."
"I just know." Elsie clipped, turning on her heel and returning to Levi's side. He stared at her, his expression not at all friendly, before facing Eren.
Eren stood still, looking between Hange and Elsie. When Elsie gave an eager nod, he raised his hand and apprehensively bit it. The bite wasn't hard and barely scratched the skin and nothing happened. She sighed.
"It didn't work." Eren stated.
"Actually break the skin, maybe." Elsie snapped. The last thing she needed was to be made a fool of in front of Levi.
Eren once more rolled his eyes before angrily biting into his thumb. Perhaps he thought the exaggerated bite would prove to Elsie that she was wrong but all it did was send a lightning rod of light into his body. In seconds a half generated form of Eren's titan appeared. The squad shouted and got into position, shouting at each other over what happened. Levi stepped forward, trying to get a better look, and Elsie felt her muscles relax.
"This is the greatest day of my life!" Hange shrieked, dancing around Eren's outstretched hand.
Elsie tip toed through the dark halls, one hand on the wall to lead her. She watched as her toes disappeared in and out of the moonlight that filtered through the windows, enjoying the silence. Things had been crazy around the castle with Hange's squad staying with them and Eren around. Something about having Eren around seemed to put a shot of energy into every one; they were in high spirits, excited of the prospects that Eren brought.
She reached the kitchen and pushed the door open, mildly shocked to see Levi already there. He was bent over the stove, pouring hot water out of the kettle and into two mugs. He looked up at the sound, an eyebrow raised at her appearance. Elsie tugged her white nightdress lower, wishing it touched her knees instead of her thighs.
"Sorry, I'll leave." Elsie apologized, knowing she wasn't welcomed. They hadn't exchanged two words since the first day at the castle.
"You think I made two mugs of tea for myself?" Levi snarked, grabbing the mugs and placing them on the circular table. He took a seat and gestured to the other one across from him expectantly.
Elsie wasn't going to lose the chance to speak to Levi. She sat and grabbed the cup, using it to warm her hands. They sat in silence as they sipped, awkward and tense. She didn't know where to begin.
"You sure know how to make a man wait," Levi finally spoke, one arm resting on the back of his chair. He stared at her, his face not exposing where this conversation was going. "I've come down here every night and poured two cups of tea."
"I thought you hated me. I was staying out of your way." Elsie said, shocked at his confession.
Levi tilted his head, "At first I was disappointed. You could've warned us, we could've stayed and prevented such a large death toll. But, I've been in the position you have where it lies on you to decide an impossible decision. The people are never happy with the final decision, but if you believe that it was meant to be that way, then so be it."
"That's it?" She whispered. "You're not mad?"
"I'm mad when you don't speak to me. How can I help if you say nothing?" He said dryly, bringing up the first day she'd woken up here.
She rubbed her cheek, glad that the welts had healed, "Some things are not worth saying."
"All things concerning you, Elsie, are worth saying," Levi finished his cup of tea. "We've been here a week and you've barely spoken to your squad. Eld seems to be the only one you feel comfortable with."
Elsie felt tears prick at her eyes and she blinked them away, refusing to be a blubbering mess.
"I saw your faces when the Colossal Titan attacked. Oluo and Petra were so angry, Eld and Gunther looked ready to put their swords through me. And you, I saw you turn back to look at me as if you couldn't believe I let it happen. Like it was my fault. I couldn't face any of you after that."
Levi's face was blank, "Do you think what you did was for the best?"
"Yes." She said it without thinking. She knew the attack was supposed to happen. So much happened that day, Eren transforming, Marco, the trainees choosing the Scouts after this.
Levi stood and began to clean his cup, "Then face us, Elsie. The squad has already forgiven you but you still live on that day. Move on. It's done."
"Someone told me I overthink." Elsie said, shaking her head at herself and finishing her cup. She took it to Levi, knowing he preferred to clean it.
He glanced at her, "They're right."
"I am sorry, Levi."
Levi grabbed her shoulders, making her turn so they faced each other. She'd never been so close to him. She could see suddenly that he had faint freckles on his nose and the circles beneath his eyes were a dark purple. His eyes were grey going on black, almost blending in with his pupil. His hair was pushed back tonight and she could tell it was greasy but it didn't deter his appearance. He was still as good looking up close with all his flaws as he was far away.
Wait, good looking?
"If you apologize one more time I'm going to kick your ass," He threatened. She rolled her eyes. "You're the only one thinking people are mad at you," She wanted to bring up him yelling at her but decided to save it for another time. "Tomorrow you get back to training with Gunther. You'll help with Eren when Hange needs you, and you'll do your job as a Scout. No more keeping things from us, eh?"
"Alright, Levi."
"And no more of that sir shit. I'm not your father." He finished, brushing past her. "Now get back to your room."
"Yes, sir."
Levi sent her a look over his shoulder, one that conveyed he found it funny but he wasn't kidding. Elsie grinned, feeling a hundred times better, and followed him out of the kitchen.
Things weren't so bad after all.