AN: When I was writing the last chapter of 'A Different Way Forward', I thought what if I took this scene further than Andromeda screwing with Draco. This is complete garbage, I know that but it cracked me up so I figured I would tack it on to my one-shot fic, maybe somebody would get a laugh out of it.
Grimmauld Place, London, England, 8/29/1997
Draco Malfoy was in pureblood hell, he was forced to cook his own food, clean up his own filth, and take orders from his sadistic half-blood godfather. He had been in some form of isolation since mid-May and he wasn't sure how much longer he could take it.
'Pop'
"Draco, why are you skulking around." Said a female voice.
Turning around he was surprised to see his aunt Andromeda standing behind him with apothecary bags from France in her hands and waiting for an answer.
"I'm going mad here, and Snape keeps threatening to throw me out of the house if I don't clean up after myself." Draco said dramatically.
I'll talk to your mother, maybe she can convince Potter to help you out," Andromeda said soothingly.
"Perfect Potter, he's the reason I'm trapped here." Draco scowled.
"If we hadn't gotten you out of France when we did, your father would have dragged you back to England and kept you in the dungeons until the dark lord returned." Andromeda said flatly.
"He made a deal with my mother, she probably promised to bed him or something." Draco said maliciously.
"Ah, so she's told you then." Andromeda said relieved.
"Told me what?" Draco asked paling slightly.
"That in order for Potter to rescue you, your mother had to wed him and Harry agreed to adopt you as his son." Andromeda said with a smile.
"What?!" Draco demanded.
"Yes, of course your name will have to change. Narcissa isn't really fond of the name he has picked out for you, but she caved when he took her to bed and stuck his thumb up her-
"Enough! What name has he picked out?" Draco asked worriedly.
"Harrysbitchson isntreallya Potter." Andromeda said.
"That bastard!" Draco roared.
"That was his first choice, but your mother convinced him to pick something else, she still can't sit right because of that." Andromeda said cheerfully.
"Did Potter beat her?" Draco asked incensed.
"No of course not, how familiar are you with buggery?" Andromeda asked curiously.
"Not familiar at all." Draco answered a bit too quickly.
"Of course dear, I'm sure you're not." Said Andromeda In a skeptical tone.
"How can this possibly get any worse?" Draco asked.
"Well, your mother is pregnant, so you're going to have a new brother or sister, whose father is your rival and who is currently shagging and buggering your mother." Andromeda said helpfully.
"No no no, this can't be happening." Draco said hysterically.
"I need you to take some potions for me Draco." Andromeda said soothingly.
"What for?" Draco asked distractedly.
"It will change your gender, your new father said, since you have no marketable skills you will be turned into a girl and married off for a hefty bride price." Andromeda explained.
"No, I won't take the potion, I don't want Potter to be my father." Draco exclaimed.
"He thought you would say that, so he told me to inform you that he already has a party interested in a forced marriage as you are." Andromeda said happily.
"Who?" Draco asked apprehensively.
"Fenrir Greyback, he loves blondes." Andromeda purred.
Draco jerked awake covered in a cold sweat.
"It was just a dream." He said relieved.
"Are you awake boy, I didn't pay Potter ten gallons for a dead fish." Came a raspy voice from the other side of the door.
"Nooooooo!" Draco screamed.
"I'll come back later then." The man said sounding very disappointed.
Back at the Clubhouse
"So how did Draco take the news?" Harry asked.
"Poorly, I'm sure Fenrir will console him, out of curiosity why did you make the deal with Greyback so cheap?" Andromeda asked.
"Well in my fourth year Draco made these badges...