AN: Another one-shot for the messing with Draco segment, enjoy and don't take it too seriously, It's just meant as a dark comedy skit.
Number Four Privet Drive, Surrey, England, 7/4/1996, 14;41
Harry read the letter for the third time, still not fully comprehending What it meant.
Dear Mr. Potter, The public reading of your godfather's last will and testament has been scheduled to take place in three days time on July seventh. However since Sirius Black left the bulk of his assets, properties, and titles to you, we at Gringotts would like to meet with you privately at your earliest convenience to sort out some minor details before the public reading. The sickle that was delivered with this letter is a portkey that will deliver you to my office here at Gringotts simply say the phrase 'Testament' and the portkey will activate.
Best regards, Ball-Crusher
Harry read the letter one more time and finally making up his mind, before picking up the sickle and saying.
"Testament."
Harry felt the familiar tug behind his navel before the portkey whisked him away into the blue vortex Harry associated with a portkey.
Gringotts Bank, London, England
Harry landed in a heap in a posh office, with marble floor, a large mahogany desk, and leather furniture arranged to one side of the room.
Harry's appearance was noted and the goblins that had been scribbling on a roll of parchment looked up and spoke.
"Excellent your right on time Mr. Potter, I am 'Ball-Crusher' the Black family account manager, if you give me a second I will call 'Cock-Puncher' who is the Potter family account manager since he will also have to be here to process the Potter side of the transaction..' Ball-Crusher' explained before slamming his fist down onto a rune etched into the surface of his desk.
Before Harry could reply the door opened and a younger goblin entered the office.
"Mr. Ball-Crusher, what can I do for you?" The younger goblin asked respectfully.
"Nipple-Twister' could you please fetch 'Cock-Puncher, it is an urgent matter." Ball-Crusher ordered the younger goblin who bowed and hurried of to carry out his orders.
Harry's had a few thoughts going through his head during the exchange, the first being. 'Who the hell named all these goblin's?' And the second thought was. 'I am very glad I am not a goblin.'
Harry waited silently for the other goblin to arrive, anyone who goes by the name 'Ball-Crusher' is not someone you want to annoy with a bunch of stupid questions.
It did not take long before another goblin entered looking annoyed about being summoned.
"Ball-Crusher, what is the meaning of this?" The goblin demanded.
"I sent for you to advise your primary client while I go over the will of Sirius Orion Black." 'Ball-Crusher answered shortly.
"Oh, well let's get on with it then, my sister will want to help with processing this transaction specifically the contracts." Cock-Puncher said casually.
"Ah yes, how is 'Cunt-Ripper'?" Ball-Crusher asked.
"She is well, now let's get started." Cock-Puncher said impatiently.
"Very well, Mr. Potter this is Cock-Puncher the Potter account manager." Ball-Crusher explained.
"Okay." Harry said nervously.
"Good now the most straightforward part of Mr. Black's will is that he left you all the contents of the vaults under his control." Ball Cusher began.
'Would you like to transfer this to the Potter family vaults?" Cock-Puncher asked.
"Yes." Harry answered.
"Sirius Black also demanded the return of the Malfoy and Lestrange Dowries to the Black family, which we have already reclaimed." Cock-Puncher continued.
"Okay, so how much is it total?" Harry asked.
"One and a half million galleons total, the Dowries were a hundred thousand apiece plus the two hundred thousand in Mr. Black's personal vault and a little over a million gallons in the Black family vault." Ball-Crusher answered.
"So what do I do now?" Harry asked.
"Mr. Black wanted you to temporarily take the Black lordship for this meeting and enact a few new contracts and then step down and let the title pass to the son of Narcissa Malfoy." Ball-Crusher explained.
"My presence is no longer needed here I will begin the transfer of the contents of the Black vault to the Potter vaults, send over the copies of all contracts pertaining to House Potter." Cock-Puncher Said as he left the room.
"What does Sirius want me to do?" Harry asked curiously.
Ball-Crusher passed Harry a slip of parchment with Sirius' writing on it and Harry quickly read it before bursting into laughter.
"Can you arrange all of this?" Harry asked curiously.
"I already have, I just need you to take up your headship of the Black family, then you just have to sign the contracts with a blood quill and renounce your lordship." Ball-Crusher said.
"Let's do it then." Harry said excitedly.
The business took about an hour to complete and then Harry took the portkey to the island that Sirius had left him that used to be a Black vacation home in the Caribbean. Harry took Sirius' last bit of advice to heart.
"Fuck magical Britain, let them deal with Voldemort on their own.'
Gringotts, Diagon Alley, London, 7/7/1996, 11:00
The public reading went perfectly Draco thought, all the current contents of the Black vaults and all their current properties were passed to him, he noticed the old fool Dumbledore looking very worried when he heard this.
Draco was actually surprised the blood-traitor had not left anything to Potter as he was supposedly the half-bloods godfather, still Draco was beyond pleased.
Draco was just meeting with the head of document services in an office off of the main hall, he was meeting with a goblin by the name of 'Bitch-Breaker' who was going to go over his current assets.
"First Mr. Malfoy I need you to take up your lordship before we can go any further." Bitch-Breaker said as he slid a wooden box across his desk to Draco.
Draco eagerly put on the ring and recited the oath to claim his lordship.
"I Draco Lucius Malfoy do hereby claim the title of Lord of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black as is my birthright by blood and magic, so mote it be."
There was a flash of light indicating the Black family magic had excepted him, Draco grinned and asked "Okay, so what's next?"
"Well the house of Black entered into many binding contracts, so we need to go over them one by one." Bitch-Breaker said in a business-like tone.
"Contracts?" Draco asked concerned.
"Yes Lord Black contracts, the first is a betrothal contract to a cadet family of the Selwyn line." Bitch-Breaker explained.
"Which family?" Draco asked worried.
"The Umbridge family, you will have to marry the only maiden from that line and consummate the marriage upon taking up your lordship or you will lose your magic." Bitch-Breaker explained with an evil smile.
"I officially renounce my lordship." Draco proclaimed only to be shocked when magic would not accept his statement.
"Yes, before that last lord Black stepped down he enacted a new rule in the Black family charter." Bitch Breaker explained sliding a sheet of paper for Draco to read.
'I Lord Harry James Potter, temporary lord of house Black hereby proclaim that no-one with the last name of Malfoy at birth, may renounce the lordship of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.'
Draco read this his jaw dropped in shock, Potter had planned this, he Wanted Draco to claim the lordship, but why?
"How old is that marriage contract?" Draco asked quietly.
"It was arranged three days ago, as well as the other contracts." Bitch-Breaker said happily.
"What other contracts?" Draco asked more worried than before.
"There is a Vasal agreement between the house of Black and the house of Potter, all members of the house of Black must protect the interests of house Potter at any cost." Bitch-Breaker said reading the first roll of parchment before picking up another.
"This contract dissolved the marriage between Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy." The goblin said before picking up another piece of parchment and reading.
"This is a concubine agreement between house Black and house Potter, Harry James Potter will have Narcissa Cassiopeia Black as his concubine on the day a new lord claims the house of Black." Bitch-Breaker said.
Unknown to Draco, the second he claimed his lordship his mother's Black family ring acted like a portkey transporting her to the Black island sans her clothes to land in a kneeling position in front of a very smug Harry Potter.
"What?!" Draco roared when he read over the contract.
"Yes, she is probably already in service at this very moment." Bitch-Breaker said cheerfully.
"Now the final contract is between the House of Black and the house of Umbridge, the Lord Black will hereby surrender all authority while in the bedchambers, the Lord Black will also submit himself before his bride in any way she sees fit." Bitch-Breaker finished.
"I want all those contracts dissolved immediately." Draco demanded.
"I'm sorry, all of the contracts are ironclad and signed in blood by all parties involved, if you go against any of them you will lose your magic and possibly your life." Bitch-Breaker said gleefully.
"Well, at least I'm rich." Draco said trying to find the silver lining in this situation.
"I'm afraid not, the house of Black paid every sickle in its vaults to get Lord Potter to accept your mother as lord Potter's fucktoy, I mean concubine." Bitch-Breaker said cheerfully.
"What this is an outrage, Potter has ruined the house of Black." Draco roared indignantly.
"Now, now Lord Black it's not all bad, your bride's marriage night attire has just arrived.
Draco opened the box Bitch-Breaker had slid across his desk and he paled dramatically, inside the box was: a full-body suit made of leather in a vibrant pink color, pink leather whips, a neon pink ball gag, leather restraints in a neon pink, and a massive twelve-inch Strap on also in a vibrant pink color.
"This is unacceptable I will not let her use any of this on me." Draco exclaimed.
"You most certainly will Lord Black unless you wish to be a squib, but first you must have a goblin checkup, I believe 'Butt-Prober' our healer is awaiting you." Bitch-Breaker said happily.
"Why do I need to see a goblin healer?" Draco asked.
"We have to perform the operation specified in the betrothal contract, are you familiar with a eunuch Lord Black?" Bitch-Breaker asked.
"No, what is that?" Draco asked apprehensively.
"Don't worry yourself about that, you'll find out soon enough in the meantime we are finished here, I will have 'Nipple-Twister' escort you down to 'Butt-Prober' our most affordable healer." Bitch-Breaker said touching the rune on his desk.
"Most affordable, I am a Malfoy!" Draco said indignantly.
"Yes, but you are going through this procedure as Lord Black, the Black family is skint broke, so you will have to sacrifice on the quality of service and anesthesia." Bitch-Breaker said as another goblin entered the office.
Thirty minutes later Draco Malfoy was forcibly restrained to a table as a cackling goblin approached him with a rusty dagger, Draco fainted from an overload of terror, much to Butt-Prober's disappointment. Still, this would be an easy procedure and she quickly hacked off the required tissue, there wasn't very much there to begin with Butt-Prober thought with a snicker.
Umbridge Home, Kent, England, 7/7/1996, 19:16
Draco woke up terrified with unimaginable pain in his groin area, he had just calmed down slightly when the door burst open and Delores Umbridge burst into the bedroom wearing her revolting bodysuit, whip in one hand, and her artificial male appendage attached to her waist.
"Hem Hem, Good evening husband it is time to consummate our union." She said sweetly.
"Nooooooool!" Draco screamed.
'Crack'
Hem hem, you will not speak unless given permission.
'Crack'
Black Island, Caribbean Islands, 7/7/1996, same time
Harry laid back breathing heavily happily having just enjoyed Narcissa's talented mouth, 'Sirius Black was a fucking genius!' Were Harry's last thoughts before Narcissa straddled his waist and continued serving her master.