AN: I watched this movie about dirty Jokes and thought it would be amusing to plug some of them into the HP universe.
Disclaimer: Crude sexual and vulgar humor, reading this will very likely drop your IQ, you have been warned.
Harry and Malfoy hanging out at a bar
Draco do you remember your first blowjob?" Harry asked.
"Yeah Potter of course I do, it was amazing" Malfoy responded with a far away look in his eyes.
"How long did it take before the guy came?" Harry asked curiously.
"Fuck you Potter," Draco scowled
12/23/2006
Harry and Ron were drinkng together at the 'Leaky Cauldron' after doing their Christmas shopping and comparing their gifts.
"What did you get Ginny for Christmas?" Ron asked curiously taking a swig of ale.
"A brand new 'Firebolt' and some diamond earrings," Harry answered proudly and then took a sip of his mead.
"Why did you get her both?" Ron asked confused.
"Well I know she'll like the broom, so if she doesn't like the earrings she can fly to Diagon Alley and get something better," Harry answered easily before asking. "What did you get Hermione anyway?"
"A book and a dildo," Ron answered.
"Why did you get her a dildo?" Harry asked surprised.
"So if she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself," Ron said matter of factly.
6/18/2012
Albus Severus woke with a bad dream, shaking he got out of his bed and crept out of his room, and headed towards his parent's room.
When he got close to their room he saw the door was ajar, he could see inside and what he saw filled him with indignation.
"That from the same bitch that got onto me for sucking my thumb," Albus exclaimed out loud.
7/31/2006
"Hey Harry what do you get if you put you hand on the cunt of a seer, on the seventh full moon while she is on the rag?" Ron asked curiously.
"I don't know what?" Harry asked hesitantly.
"You get your palm red," Ron answered.
Leaky Cauldron, 2028
Ron sat down at the bar and ordered a large shot of whiskey when a bald elderly man sat down beside him.
"I fucked your mother," the old man crowed to him.
Ron tuned him out and kept drinking.
Not deterred the old man continued, " I fucked your mother. I fucked her in the pussy, I fucked her in the ass. I pushed her titties together and fucked them too, then came I in her mouth and smacked her cheeks with my cock," the old man bragged loudly for the whole bar to hear.
Finally Ron had enough and turned to the man and spoke tiredly, " Go home dad."
7/31/2006
"Hey Harry, how does a pureblood girl know if her mom is on the rag?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know how?" Harry asked.
"Her brother's dick tastes really nasty," Hermione answered with a smirk.
5/13/1998
Crabbe and Goyle are walking out around the school grounds when they found a goat with its head trapped in a fence.
Goyle gets excited and quickly goes over to the goat and lifts his robes and starts having sex with it.
After a few minutes he turns to Crabbe and asks, "Do you want some of this action?"
"Sure, but I am not sticking my head through that fence," Goyle replied.
2/24/1994
Harry knocked on the infirmary door and waited impatiently for the matron to let him in.
Harry heard the lock click and the door opened just enough for Madam Pomfrey to see who was there.
"What can I do for you Mr. Potter?" Poppy asked irritably.
"Madam Pomfrey, I broke my arm in two places," Harry said in a pained voice.
"Then stay from those places," She snapped before slamming the door.
2/15/1996
"Draco I fucked up pretty bad," Crabbe said in a panic.
"What did you do?" Draco asked tiredly.
"I slept with my second cousin," Crabbe said sheepishly.
Draco looks at his dimwitted minion for a second before replying "If it bothers you so much stop counting," Draco said irritably before going back to reading his book.
8/13/1999
Ron and hermione were having some hard times, they were banned from Gringotts and their rent was fast approaching, in desperation Ron agreed with Hermione's proposal to whore herself out to make the money to pay the rent.
On the first night a thoroughly exhausted Hermione came in the door walking tenderly and handed Ron thirty two galleons and a knut.
"So it went pretty well I see," Ron commented impressed.
"Yes but I am exhausted," Hermione said tiredly.
" Who gave you the sickle?" Ron asked confused.
"All of them," Hermione replied seriously.
Leaky Cauldron, 9/30/2009
Harry entered the pub seeing it deserted, there was a chalk board on the front bar which read.
Hand job's : Two sickles
Blow Jobs: Four Sickles
Cheese Sandwich: One Sickle
Harry read this before taking a seat and waiting patiently for the barmaid to come out.
"Can I help you Potter?" Hannah Abbott the current owner asked.
"Depends are you the one giving the handjobs?" Harry asked curiously.
"I sure am'" Hannah said seductively.
"Well wash your hands I want a cheese sandwich," Harry said flatly.
3/1/1998
"What's the smartest thing to ever cum off of Ron Weasley's tongue?" Draco asked Harry.
"I don't know what?" Harry asked curiously.
"Hermione Granger's twat," Draco said with a grin.