AN: This one is for all you trolls out there.
"I got your fucking prezent hanging next to my nuts,
when I'm swinging on my hatchet if it hits you it cuts.
Don't make me chop your head in half and smack the side with the cheek
. Because I haven't had my melorol in almost a week.
-Insane Clown Posse/ Birthday Bitches-
"What are we looking for now?" Harry asked as he followed Newt through the muggle internet cafe clutching a cricket bat.
"Trolls my boy, the most insidious creature that infests the internet even worse than ass goblins," Newt answered
" Where do they come from?" Harry asked having not seen story trolls in Newt's famous book.
"The ass of society, Harry. They come from mothers more concerned with keeping their noses loaded with coke or selling sexual favors to support their habit. These mothers which we call chickenheads, they never bother to teach their children not to be boner biting cockbags on the internet. That's where trolls come from, Harry, that's where," Newt explained disgustedly as he raised his bat over his head and brought it down with a satisfying crunch onto the head of a fat troll seated behind a computer console.
Harry watched as the troll collapsed to the ground hundreds of pounds of whiney bitch slamming onto the floor of the cafe but none of the other patrons seemed to notice or care.
"Did you put up a notice me not?" Harry asked.
"No need, nobody cares about them anyway. Most normal people just want them to crawl into a hole and die," Newt shrugged.
"It looks well-fed but what is that on its head?" Harry asked curiously taking a moment to inspect the creature.
"That my boy is petroleum jelly. They often like to wedge their heads in Tight places in an attempt to hide from their reflection in the mirror," Newt said sadly.
"Where do they like to hide?" Harry asked curiously
"Horse rectums are the most common places but a few have been known to prefer elephants, why I even found one that could wedge his head up his own ass. If only he could have kept going he might have completely winked himself out of existence," Newt sighed as he shut the lid.
"Do they have any magical powers?" Harry asked.
"Oh yes, they glom onto someone's story and suck the life right out of it," Newt explained.
"Sounds like a tick or a leach," Harry pondered.
"Trolls are more closely related to the common cockroach and are often hard to get rid of and usually only stop when they find someone else to annoy," Newt explained as he levitated the troll towards his suitcase.
"What do they eat?" Harry asked making notes in a notepad.
"Junk food, pizza rolls and the like but they usually feed on attention," Newt said distractedly.
"Hmm, this one has been here for a while, did you notice the pale complexion, acne, and hairy palms?" Newt said as he inspected the unconscious man/woman it was really hard to tell.
"Yes, it smells too, like talcum powder, Preparation H, and twinkies," Harry said.
"Yes, it looks like he was in the process of trolling some shitty story," Newt said as he scrolled to the top of the page the creature had been looking up.
"What story is it?" Harry asked curiously.
"It looks like some literary abortion called Coming of the Reaper," Newt said as he read the summary shaking his head in disappointment.
"Hey I like that one!" Harry protested.
"The redo was better," Newt disagreed.
"Only because there were lemons before some tattletale user blackmailed the poor author to take it down or get reported," Harry pointed out as they prepared to take a portkey to release the creature into the wild.
"Yes, those types of people are almost as bad as these trolls," Newt agreed as the portkey activated.
"Where are we?" Harry asked as soon as they landed.
"This my boy is the natural habitat of the story troll," Newt said grandly.
"It's a landfill," Harry said flatly.
"It's where they all belong," Newt shrugged.
"Fine let's get this over with," Harry said eager to be out of this place.
"We still have to get measurements," Newt said as he leveitated the creature out of the case and dropped it with a wet plop facedown into a pile of garbage sending a cloud of flies into the air.
"Is that a stick?" Harry asked in surprise noticing it prptruding through the back of the trolls pants.
"They all seem to have a stick lodged up their ass, no one quite knows the reason why but it makes them intolerable to normal people," Newt answered.
"Should we remove try to remove it?" Harry asked uncertainly.
"It might kill it... you know what, give it a go," Newt said after some thought.
"I ain't touching that thing" Harry said flatly.
"Ugh, this is a one-liner guest story troll, dispicable it's mother should have swallowed," Newt sighed as he kicked the troll in the face.
"You mean one of those assholes who write something lazy like 'horrible writing' or 'bad'?" Harry asked.
"Yes, complete waste of time even reading them, they claim to detest the writer yet they continue reading just to bitch, they should all be castrated," Newt sighed as he got the final measurements.
"Let's go get a burger and see if we can locate this one's mother, maybe she can cheer us up a bit," Newt sighed as he removed a portkey from his pocket.
"No thanks, I heard she's got the herpes," Harry cringed.
"Bugger, well I suppose we could go observe the veela enclave, it's sunbathing season, we need to get some... measurements," Newt said lecherously.
"Now that's more like it, I always like going to France," Harry agreed eagerly.
"For science of course," Newt nodded as he grabbed ahold of the portkey.
"Divide and conquer," Newt exclaimed as the portkey activated taking them away from the stench of the troll and the slightly less offensive landfill