AN: My story 'Coming of the Reaper' seems to draw in people that are overly offended by poor grammar, so I decided to vent my frustration in a skit. If this comes close to any of the reviews you have posted on 'Coming of the Reaper' please don't take this personally this skit is all in good fun and not meant to insult any of my reviewers.
AN: This chapter contains multiple spoilers for both of my other stories.
Gringotts Bank, London, England, 10/7/1975
"Congratulation Mr. Reaper you have won the war," Longblade said clearly impressed.
"Doesn't really matter, no one can read what happened so I'll just have to do it all over again, apparently I have bad grammar," Harry said morosely.
"Are they mentally deficient? I've read the script, sure some parts are rough but that's why they teach your younglings how to use context clues in those children prisons you're forced to attend." Longblade stated sounding annoyed.
"You mean schools Longblade." Harry corrected.
"Whatever Reaper, the dribbling fools obviously weren't paying attention when they were supposed to be learning that skill," Longblade said sounding even more annoyed.
"One could argue that I was staring at the girl sitting in front of me rather than paying attention in English class during the seventh grade," Harry said.
"Yes but that was the early millennia and Christina had just started wearing thongs, you were admiring the whale tail." Longblade defended.
"So we're putting this on Christina now?" Harry asked in protest.
"She won't care she's a meth whore now anyway," Longblade assured him.
" Yeah, but she still wears thong underwear," Harry said dreamily.
"Yes, if you wish to contract one of the many sexually transmitted infections your race has spawned then by all means contact her," Longblade said with a smirk.
Well back on task, the grammar is awful Longblade." Harry said changing the topic.
"If it's only grammar, I'm sure they will get over it," Longblade said optimistically.
"It gets worse than grammar, there were other problems that drew their ire," Harry said as though admitting it caused him great pain.
"Ah, you mean the part where your mother was a dirty little teen slut that apparently has a fetish for canines," Longblade said nodding in understanding.
"Hey! How would you like it if I said that about your mother?" Harry demanded.
"She would probably barge into this office and fist you with a spiked gauntlet while giving you a goblin handjob," Longblade said matter of factly.
"Fine, just out of curiosity what's the difference between a handjob and a goblin hand job?" Harry asked his curiosity peaked.
"A goblin female can crush a walnut with her bare hands, and they have long sharp claws not to mention the stroking motion is more of a ripping and tearing motion. They consider human horn to be a delicacy." Longblade explained watching the human pale the longer he spoke.
"Well back to the script, your right the fact that my mother is not some mythical figure that would never act like a spiteful teenage girl really gets their knickers twisted in a knot," Harry explained.
"Yes, human females in their teens are the personification of good judgment, how so many of them get impregnated in high school is a mystery to me," Longblade said sarcastically.
"Yes, but that would have probably blown over if my mother and father would have ended up married at the end of the story," Harry said sounding annoyed himself.
"Yes, I can see that going well, that way your mother could sleep with James's other two best friends while he's at work," Longblade said.
"Didn't you read the epilogue? She ended up shacking up with Courage the cowardly werewolf," Harry asked Longblade.
"No I didn't, to be honest, I had a case of the goblin runs while reading the story and had to sacrifice the epilogue to the cause seeing as how Nippletwister forgot to change out the T.P in the goblin loo," Longblade said sounding embarrassed.
Harry learned his lesson earlier and did not ask how the goblin runs differed from the regular runs.
"Any other problems with the script?" Longblade asked.
"Well, some of the reviewers think I mislead them by not making the story a fucking rom-com or something, chapter four's statement really caused a ruckus," Harry explained after thinking it over.
"Because you were pounding that monkey by chapter five without the ridiculous romantic buildup?" Longblade asked incredulously.
"Pretty much, did they really think a story called 'Coming of the Reaper' would focus on the romance, I mean if it had a different name like 'The Reaper is Cuming' I could see that being romantic," Harry said thoughtfully.
"Sounds like a porno, which would be awful especially set in the seventies, you know as well as I do the Adult film industry didn't learn of the razor until the mid-nineties," Longblade exclaimed.
"Yeah not to mention I would have had to grow a mustache," Harry said thoughtfully.
"Well enough of that, how goes the re-editing of the script?" Longblade asked.
"Well enough, I am almost to Christmas of '75," Harry answered.
"Well I wouldn't mess with the script anymore after you finish or I'll be forced to give you a goblin wedgie," Longblade warned.
"What's a goblin wedgie?" Harry asked before he could stop himself.
"Same as a human wedgie we just pour broken glass down your crack before we start the yanking," Longblade explained.
"Bloody hell goblins really are vicious bastards aren't they?" Harry asked.
"Why do you think all of our names speak of something painful: Longblade, Cockpuncher, Ballcrusher, Cuntripper, Nippletwister, Buttprober, Griphook, Cockbiter. Do any of those names sound like something pleasant to you?" Longblade asked.
"No, the last one will probably give me nightmares," Harry answered honestly.
"Cockbiter? That's my mother." Longblade said proudly.
"Huh, then how come your name is so different?" Harry asked.
"Well, if I were human she would have named me Longcock or Tripod, but there is a small percent of human females that have a goblin fetish. She did it to protect me from predators." Longblade answered.
"I'm not sure I can believe human females would... Harry left the sentence hanging.
"Fuck a goblin? Then how do you explain Filius Flitwick, when a goblin female is more inclined to bite a human cock off?" Longblade demanded.
"Alright we have gotten way off topic here," Harry said looking green at the mental image.
"Yes, back to the script, you've been fucking around with it since you finished it in August, finish editing the last seven chapters and move on!" Longblade demanded slamming his fist on his desk angrily.
"I know I'm just trying to make them all happy," Harry said quietly.
"Oh dear, Mr. Reaper it smells like your vagina is leaking." Longblade sneered.
"That's not funny Longblade, with all the money they're paying me I should do whatever they suggest," Harry said indignantly.
"Ah yes, didn't you read the disclaimer? You don't make squat off of this gig." Longblade asked surprised.
"Wait I am not getting paid?!" Harry demanded angrily.
"Not a single cent, in fact, you're paying to write these stories, internet data isn't free you know," Longblade said stating the obvious.
"Bloody hell, this is all your fault!" Harry exclaimed.
"Don't point that finger at me human! Is Longblade going to have to smack a bitch?" The goblin asked threateningly.
"You said if I kept finding things to bitch about in other people's stories I should get on there and write my own story," Harry said not backing down.
"Yes and now people are bitching about your story, it's the internet, there will always be somebody to complain about something! What did you think this was a fanfic version of 'Bill and Ted Face the Music' where you would write some fic that would unite all the people of the world?" Longblade asked sarcastically.
"Fine, I'll be off Longblade," Harry said.
"Not so fast, what about Hannah Abbott or not imprisoning the Malfoy whelp so that he could be released two weeks later when Voldemort sacked the prison, like anyone who read the first chapter of Deathly Hallows should know?" Longblade demanded.
"I don't know Longblade maybe they forgot, I try and forget parts of that book. Can you imagine being stuck in a tent with Hermione and Ron for months on end?" Harry asked shuddering at the thought
"Hold up their P dog, Granger's got a nice shapely rumpus?" Longblade reasoned.
"She's also got a shrill voice and never shuts her gob, not to mention she has a telephone pole-sized stick lodged up that shapely rumpus." Harry pointed out.
"True, but she just needs to get laid. You know what they say about sex while your camping?" Longblade asked suggestively.
"No what?" Harry questioned.
"It's fucking in tents," Longblade answered with a goblin grin.
"Dammit, Longblade you keep sidetracking me!" Harry exclaimed.
"Fine Reaper explain why the Malfoy brat got away with murder." The goblin answered.
"Dumbledore was pulling the strings, though he did go to prison in the end." Harry defended.
"Yes, I'm sure the Malfoy brat will survive prison well with his platinum blonde hair and feminine features", Longblade said sarcastically.
"Yeah, and don't even get me started on Hannah Abbott and the Zacharias Smith Arc," Harry said with annoyance.
"Yes, that was another example of a teenage female making a great judgment call and thinking with her loins instead of her brain," Longblade said disgustedly.
"Well, at least everything worked out in the end?" Harry said reasonably.
"Twenty members of your little club died and Smith got buggered to death by a werewolf," Longblade argued.
"Yeah but aside from Katie Bell I never liked most of those characters anyway." Harry rebutted.
"I did notice the good ones survived, why not kill off the youngest Weasley male, I know you despise him as much as I do?" Longblade demanded.
"I couldn't kill off both of the original sidekicks, I flipped a coin and it came up heads," Harry said with a shrug.
"You seem upset Reaper, perhaps you need a goblin massage from Bonebreaker our finest masseuse," Longblade suggested
"I'm starting to think you're just putting the world goblin in front of things to make them more terrifying," Harry said exasperation heavy in his voice.
"Say something like that again and I'll give you a goblin ass-kicking," Longblade warned.
"Fine back to the reviews, most of them are pretty helpful," Harry said getting them back on task.
"Yes, I have read through most of the reviews myself, and only a handful are authored by boner biting cockbags." Longblade agreed.
"Pretty much, but let's move on, I heard the bank had some trouble with Hagrid last week?" Harry asked.
"Don't speak the impalers name!" Longblade roared.
"Okay sorry!" Harry hastily apologized.
"Save your apologies keep that savage monster away from goblin kind!" Longblade screamed hysterically.
"Okay I have to leave anyway, I have to go oversee ten pregnancy tests," Harry said seriously.
"Ah yes the goblins got the shaft on the same day you drowned in puntang," Longblade said grumpily.
"Hey I'll have you know my balls ached for three days after that", Harry defended himself.
" Yes, tell that to my three dead employees", Longblade said with a scowl.
Harry shook his head as he left the office, goblins were very very dramatic.
AN: I wrote this a few weeks ago and forgot about it.