AN: Alright usually I am above such petty nonsense but there was a particular review on Lavender Moon that really annoyed me and since FFN took away the loophole to delete annoying troll reviews by signed in users, I thought why not use one of my skits to voice my displeasure.
AN: I have been sitting on this one for a while, found it in my documents and thought... why the hell not. So backstory. When I finished Lavender Moon I got this mile long teview about how awful it was that I paired Sirius with Daphne. I messaged him and it just went on and on. I have tried to get the review taken down but the FFN admins are too busy doing... actually I don't know what they do but it obviously isn't customer service.
"Congratulations Reaper, you made some Cockbag create an account just to whine about your secondary pairings," Long-Blade chuckled.
"Yes, this is the prime example of a Cockbag review," rhe Reaper sighed sadly.
"So care to explain yourself," Longblade demanded still looking rather amused by the whole situation.
"I thought we covered this last time, there is always one person that takes offence at something trivial and throws a tantrum on my review page," Reaper shrugged.
"So why did you pair the filthy Marauder with the young angelic Daphne Greengrass?" Long-Blade demanded.
"He really got the shaft in the books, I thought he deserved a reward in my story," Reaper shrugged.
"Yes, an eighteen-year-old blonde bombshell wife is certainly a reward," Long-Blade conceded.
"Apparently, the age difference upset whoever this wanker is," Reaper sighed.
"Yes, a wealthy older man marrying a very young barely legal wife is absolutely unheard of in this day and age," Longblade snorted.
" The porn industry is built on such pairings," Reaper agreed.
"True, just type in 'just over eighteen' in any search engine and plenty of videos of girls Daphne's age being defiled will pop up... some by of them being defilled by animals," Long-Blade conceded.
"Yeah I know, whatever you do, don't type 'eighteen-year-old donkey show' in a search engine," Reaper shuddered.
"Clearly we have different tastes, Mr Reaper," Long-Blade smirked.
"Then I get this rant about the pairing being reminiscent of pureblood nonsense he/she has read about in other stories, aren't Sirius and Daphne both purebloods from older traditional families?" Reaper asked ignoring Long-Blade's last comment.
"Yes, but he famously rebelled against those beliefs or something along those lines in the books," Long-Blade argued half-heartedly.
"Fair point but I imagine something changed his mind, perhaps The prospect of shagging an eighteen-year-old Daphne Greengrass. Maybe he was going through a mid-life crisis or something and wanted to feel young again," Reaper suggested.
"It is a good possibility, but how dare you besmirch the reputation of a character that was only mentioned one time in the original seven-book series!" Long-Blade demanded.
"Tell me one thing you know about Daphne Greengrass from cannon," Reaper countered.
"I can't," Long-Blade grudgingly admitted after some thought.
"Exactly nobody can, I am pretty sure J.K.R pulled that character out of her ass to have four last names starting with a 'G' to call into the room with Hermione for her O.W.L exams," Reaper snorted.
"So in theory, this Daphne Greengrass could find older men attractive, or be a gold-digging whore, have aspirations about claiming the Lady Black title, or she could have daddy issues," Long-Blade muttered in dawning realisation.
"Yes, and this is the same type of garbage I had to listen to when Lily and Sirius hooked up in my first fic. Teens acting like teenagers instead of following the defined parameters of cannon. If they want to read cannon pairings there are thousands of them on this site, I don't like most of the cannon pairings and I will not write them in my stories" Reaper stated flatly.
"But why not write the same pairings as everybody else, are you really so desperate to be different that you have to do unconventional pairings?" Long-Blade demanded.
"Those pairings have been done already... a lot," Reaper pointed out.
"But they are what the people want to read," Long-Blade argued.
"I started writing my own stories because when I read enough of the stories posted on FFN they all start feeling the same, there are a few that go for the rarer pairings but most go for the same old overused pairings and I wanted something different."
" I can count on one hand the number of stories that involve Andromeda, Hannah, Lavender, Pansy, Katie Bell as the main love interest that is not a harem fic."
"Bellatrix, Luna, Susan, Tonks and Narcissa are a little more common but more often than not they usually involve Harry having a massive harem," Reaper ranted.
"I see, you seem to have become a bit jaded," Long-Blade commented.
"I suppose I have, there are tens of thousands of H/Hr and H/DG stories on here and don't get me started on the Hr/DM and HP/DM pairings. The same goes with cannon pairings and let's face it, J.K.R must have been on one when she put together some of those pairings in book six," Reaper said looking annoyed.
"They weren't all bad you seem to like the Bill and Fleur pairing just fine," Longblade said.
"I do, that pairing felt right and kind of made sense, but the Hermione and Ron pairing is beyond ridiculous, Harry and Ginny was just lazy and a clear way to get Harry to join the Weasley family, and of course my least favorite pairing of all, Nymphadora Tonks and Remus fucking Lupin the cowardly werewolf!" Reaper said his volume steadily getting louder the longer he spoke until he screamed the last statement slamming his fist onto the desk between them in rage.
"Calm yourself Reaper, would you like some goblin ale to calm your nerves," Long-Blade offered.
"Absolutely not, I know full well that stuff causes the goblin runs," Reaper exclaimed.
"Fine, let's just move on to something less volatile," Long-Blade suggested.
"Like what?" Reaper asked.
"How about the accusations that the quality of your writing is circling the drain, that you're a two-bit hack that should stick to writing picture books for three-year-olds and not sully the reputations of fictional characters in a children's fantasy series?" Long-Blade demanded.
"It doesn't say all that, there is just some rant about repetitive scenes and it actually got rather repetitive come to think of it and then endless moaning about my awful cringe pairing choices," Reaper protested.
"Some of those were my complaints," Long-Blade shrugged
"Yes, goblins can be cockbags too," Reaper sighed before continuing, " What baffled me about the second part of the rant was that he/she is so disgusted by my writing yet seems to have read all of my novel-length stories, over six hundred thousand words! Why did he/she suffer through all that if my writing offends them so much?" Reaper asked looking at Long-Blade hoping for answers
"Lack of anything meaningful in their life I suppose, maybe Pornhub froze up again, or their artificial lover deflated, or ran out of batteries," Longblade shrugged.
"I wouldn't know about any of that," Reaper said haughtily only to dive to the right as a bolt of lightning flashed down from the ceiling and struck the place he was sitting seconds ago.
"Ah I see you have finally tested the consequences of the liar's chair," Long-Blade grinned.
"I noticed, a little warning would have been nice," Reaper groused getting up from the floor and tentatively taking his seat.
"So why do you start your chapters at the breakfast table, the reviewer took exception to this apparently the characters' eating offended them somehow?" "Long-Blade asked once Harry got situated again.
" I don't know, most people start their day eating breakfast, well after they have answered the call of nature, of course," Reaper said as he kept glancing warily up at the ceiling.
"I suppose it's a better place to begin the scene than in the bathroom" Long-Blade conceded.
"Yes, I can just see it now...
Cue Movie What If Sequence
Harry sat on the toilet as he pondered the night before, they had Indian food for dinner and the curry he had eaten was really burning his rectum on the way out.
He had never experienced pain like this in his life, his stomach was bubbling as it seemed this hell on earth would never end. The sounds coming out of the bathroom were truly horrendous sounding like an underwater symphony of French horns and bassoons.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he stopped defecating and sighed in relief. Glancing over to his left he was horrified to see the bog roll had had only one square left on it and his asshole was really starting to itch and burn.
Glancing around he saw the printed out review that sparked this short story in the first place, it was full of the same substance he had just deposited in the unfortunate toilet he was still sitting on.
Shrugging Harry wadded the review up in a little ball and lifted up slightly before reaching under himself to wip-
End Movie what If Sequence
" Alright, I get it just please stop," Long-Blade begged, looking very nauseated.
"And that's why the beginning scenes usually start at the breakfast table, people usually come together there. Harry can sit there and ponder over his week while he wakes up and subtly fill the readers in on what they have missed since the last chapter," Reaper grinned at Long-Blade's discomfort.
"I don't care how you start the chapters but please don't start them with Harry Potter taking a shit," Long-Blade practically begged.
"Fair enough, then the wanker starts referencing all the flaws in my other stories honestly it was just getting depressing to read," Reaper sighed.
"You've had bad reviews before why does this one annoy you so much?" Long-Blade asked.
" I don't know it just came off as so obnoxious, the grammar was atrocious and that's coming from me of all people. When I PM'd him/her the back and forth PMs weren't much better, it felt like arguing with a drunk," Reaper shrugged.
"Fine, we've been on this subject long enough, on to other matters. What are you going to do now that you have finished Lavender Moon?" Long-Blade asked.
"Continue working on my Harry/Bella story," Reaper shrugged.
"Good, that story has slowed to a crawl," Long-Blade said looking pleased with this news.
"Agreed, I liked jumping back and forth between stories at first but it did get exhausting when they were running almost parallel to each other," Reaper admitted.
"Agreed, now while I have you here why did you pull all of the lemon scenes from your FFN stories?" Long-Blade demanded.
"I got a review on my one-shot The Black Wedding Rite story from a mysterious user named C@$P@$31, it was basically an ultimatum that said cut the lemon scenes or he/she would report the story, considering the whole point of the story was a lemon scene I just took it down," Reaper shrugged.
"It's understandable that you deleted the fic but why trim the lemons from your other stories?" Long-Blade demanded.
"Better safe than sorry, I don't really like to write them anyway... thunder clapped over his head and Reaper gulped nervously, "though I will admit I had fun with the Harry/Bella roleplaying scenes, those had me cracking up when I was writing them," Reaper hastily corrected.
"Yes, Spankbottoms School for Naughty Girls was quite amusing to me as well," Long-Blade agreed.
"I still have them up on my Ao3 profile but I probably won't write any more smut scenes, I can leave things to the imagination and let the readers interpret them as they like," Reaper shrugged.
"Any other ideas for the future?" Long-Blade asked as he shifted in his seat.
"Yes, I have a Harry/Fleur story idea that I think will be a lot of fun but that will be a while down the road," Reaper replied.
"Yes, I was wondering about Fleur, she does show up in most of the stories you write, I suppose it was only a matter of time before she became Potter's love interest," Long-Blade muttered.
"I also thought of doing a sequel to Dark Lord George but that will only go up on Ao3 as the first one-shot got pretty raunchy," Reaper smirked.
"No, I forbid it!" Long-Blade bellowed.
"The goblins won't be involved in that story," Reaper assured him with a chuckle.
"Fine just keep the impaler away from goblin kind," Long-Blade demanded.
"Don't worry he caught the goblin clap from all the goblin buggery," Reaper grinned.
"Serves the bastard right," Long-Blade exclaimed viciously.
"Fine but while I have you here what's up with all these cockbags throwing cringe around these days, I cringe every time I see some pompous ass hat write the word cringey, on somebody's review page, fucking snowflakes," Reaper ranted looking at The irritable goblin
"I don't know, you know how today's youth is a few years ago people were using butthurt for everything, I guess some words just come in and out of fashion," Longblade shrugged.
"Well I have to set up thirteen trust vaults, all of the paternity tests came back positive, I am truly an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis," Reaper sighed.
"Yes you are," Long-Blade agreed as he began filling out the paperwork.
'At least only two of them had twins,' Harry thought optimistically.