Part 11b of three parts--(PLEASE NOTE: Read Part 11a first).
Across town a similar discussion was occurring between Harm and Bud. Under the guise of needing to discuss a case and the promise of Harriet's famous Vegetable Tabbouleh, Bud had lured his friend to the house for a serious talk between 'kindred spirits.'
Harm was greeted at the door by the kind gentle face of Bud Roberts. "Hey Harm, come on in. Ignore the noise, Harriet needed to run an errand and I'm left minding the troops—4 permanent and 1 on TAD," he smirked.
At that moment Charlie came to investigate who was at the door. At the sight of his best friend's father, he brightened, "Is Sophie here?"
Harm leaned down and peered into the big blue eyes, "No sport…I'm sorry, but Sophie's at home." The little boy deflated and slunk back to the living room.
Harm looked up, crest fallen to have disappointed the boy. Bud smiled and directed them toward the kitchen, "Don't worry about it, Sir…he'll get over it."
"Bud…"
"Sorry…Harm. Why don't we talk in the kitchen…I've got lunch ready to eat."
"Sure Bud…wow this looks great. What case do we need to discuss?" Harm dove into the Tabbouleh, with his current work schedule he'd not been eating much.
"Ah Harm…there isn't a case," Bud fidgeted with his fork.
"What?" Harm froze with a forkful of food halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean there's no case? What's this about?" He started to tense.
"Look Harm…Harriet and I are worried about you and Mac," Bud stated nervously.
Harm dropped his fork and pushed back from the table, "There's nothing to worry about…I need to get back to the office." He turned to walk out of the kitchen.
"Harm, I've been there…don't throw away the best part of your life."
Harm turned back with a menacing look, "You don't understand anything about my life…so stay out of it, Commander."
"Oh but I do, Sir," Bud stood to his full height to show he wasn't intimidated. "I've been where you are…and my actions hurt the one person that I love most in this world," he glared into Harm's eyes.
Harm looked away uncomfortably. Bud sat back down and pushed his fork through his food, "When Sarah died I was devastated. I didn't know how to deal with my pain…so I channeled it into making it someone else's fault. I pursued that anger and blame right into the courtroom and in doing so hurt Harriet more than I can ever imagine. Instead of going to her for comfort…I turned away to something I was comfortable with…the law." Bud looked up as his friend settled back into the kitchen chair. "Harm, you and Mac took so long to get to where you are…do you really want to throw away the last 13 years of your life? You need to be working together not apart. You need to be each other's strength. That career that you're throwing yourself into for the distraction, won't mean anything to you if you lose Mac and Sophie."
"I don't know how to help her," came Harm's broken response.
"So you pulled away so you wouldn't have to watch…so you wouldn't have to fail," was Bud's gentle reply.
Harm nodded, "It's not fair, Bud. Is this payback for us not working things out sooner…not understanding sooner. Mac and I are good people…good parents…don't we deserve to have more children. Why are the fates hell bent on taking that away?" he was distracted from his musing by the sound of children's laughter from the front room. He looked down, "Bud…I love you, Harriet and the kids like family…but it's so hard to come here. You and Harriet make having a family seem easy. You have everything that we ever wanted…but can't seem to achieve."
Bud placed a hand on the broken man's shoulder, "Harm, having a family is never easy…whether it's 1 or 6…having, caring and loving your children is hard work. You need to cherish what you have rather than grieve what you don't."
Harm looked into Bud's face and marveled, 'when did Bud get to be so wise. How did he transform from that bumbling lieutenant into the man that sat before him?' Harm nodded, "Thanks Bud…I…" Harm looked down unable to finish.
Bud smiled back, "I understand, Harm."
Further discussion was interrupted by the opening of the front door, Bud was just about to run interference when they heard the thunder of running feet followed by children's happy squeals.
"Sophie!"
"Charwie!"
Harm jumped up and hurried into the front hall at the sound of his little girl's voice. He knelt before her, "Hey Princess…how's my girl?" Sophie stood transfixed and backed toward her mother with a frown. Harm looked puzzled, "What's the matter, sweetheart…aren't you going to give Daddy a hug?" He looked up a Mac with an expression of pain.
"It's OK, Harm…you've been gone a lot. I think she's just a little…" she carefully considered her words, "…uncertain."
He looked back at his daughter and nodded, "That's OK princess you can stay with Mommy. I'm sorry Daddy's been so busy, but I love you," his voice cracked.
Sophie stared at her father a moment longer then threw herself into his arms, "Sowie wuv Daddee too." Harm hugged her tight to his body and closed his eyes to prevent the tears from forming.
While the children returned back to their play activities, the adults retired to the kitchen for polite small talk and coffee. Harm and Mac were tentative around each other, neither wanted to disrupt the sense of calm in the room. Finally Harriet noted the time and remarked that they needed to get the boys from school. Harm and Mac nodded in agreement that Sophie was due for a nap. They packed up their little bundle and headed out the door.
By the car, Mac paused and looked at the ground. "Ah, can we get a ride home…if it's not to much trouble…" she apologized, "…ah, Harriet brought us here."
"Sure…" he smiled taking Sophie, "…and why would it be any trouble?"
"I assume you have to get back to work," she looked away. Why couldn't she talk to him...look at him, anymore.
He took her hand to get her attention, "I'm done for the day…I thought we'd all go home."
"Really?" she shook her head at the sound of hope in her voice. "You never come home this early anymore." At the look of disappointment in his eyes, she continued unsure, "I'm sorry."
He cupped her cheek to draw her face up, "Me too…and I think we should fix that." He bent down to give her a gentle kiss. She leaned into him deepening the kiss reaching out like a parched man seeking a few sips of water. They lingered several moments before parting. With one more, quick peck, he smiled, "Let's go home."
The ride to the Rabb house was quiet. Sophie had immediately fallen asleep and they didn't quite know what to say to each other. Their former level of comfort and ease had somehow disappeared in the last 3 months. They were uncertain and nervous much as they'd been after Sydney and Paraguay. Harm shook his head and sighed, now there were some memories that he'd just as soon forget.
Once at home, Harm settled Sophie into bed. It was already 18:00 and they were all exhausted. He found Mac standing over David's crib and bristled, "I thought we locked this door?"
She didn't acknowledge the question for several minutes before softly answering, "I needed to be here…to feel close to him."
He took her into his arms and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head, "We should get some dinner…I think Sophie's out for the night." He took note of the fact that she seemed thinner, waif-like in his grasp.
She shook her head, "I'm not hungry…let's just go to bed." She pulled away and walked out the bedroom door. She closed her eyes and sighed heavy-hearted when she heard him click the lock once again.
They silently busied themselves with their nighttime routines. As he joined her in bed, he rolled close and propping his head on one hand, he used the other to stroke her face. She looked away and with a tearful voice said, "Harm, I'm really tired…can we just get some sleep?"
He continued to stare and then moving his hand behind her waist he pulled her into his arms and settled back into the bed. He pulled her onto his chest and allowing his hand to slip under the back of her top, he dragged his fingers along her side counting each rib. She was so thin, "It's OK sweetheart…I just want to hold you." His fingers continued the journey back and forth along her side, "Sarah, I'm worried about you…you've lost weight. Are you eating?" he questioned.
She moved her hand along his waist, the small 'love handles' had disappeared; he was lean again almost like when they'd first met. She wiggled her head under his chin, "I could ask you the same thing," she whispered.
He sighed ruffling her hair, "We need to take better care of each other." He kissed the top of her head, "Goodnight sweetheart…I love you."
"Goodnight…Love you too," came the sleepy reply. Both lay there staring into the dark; sleep was a long time in coming.
xxxxx
The following Saturday, Sophie and Mac left the house early to spend the day with Harriet and the kids. Harm paced the kitchen waiting for Bradley to arrive. They'd decided to take Sarah out for a flight; with fall rapidly approaching, flying season would soon be over. As he poured his second cup of coffee, he heard Bradley's knock.
He opened the door and smiled at the tall man on the other side. He had Harm's height and build. Several people had commented that the two could be brothers. They each had dark hair and good looks. The one subtle difference was the eye color, one blue-green the color of the sea the other dark brown. Harm mused that Charlie must have gotten his deep blue eyes from his mother.
"Hey Buddy," was Bradley's friendly greeting. "Ready to take that plane of yours up?"
Harm smiled back, "Yeah, do you want a cup of coffee before we go?"
"Nah, I'm good. Hey, where's Mac and Sophie?" he poked his head around toward the kitchen.
"They're spending the day with Harriet and the kids? Ah…would you mind helping me with something before we take off?" Harm headed up the stairs.
"Sure, no problem. Charlie will be thrilled by the way; Harriet is keeping him while we're out." He chuckled, "He and Sophie are something of a matched set."
Harm smiled back, "They do seem to be inseparable." He led Bradley down the hall and paused to unlock the bedroom door. As he walked inside, he motioned around the room, "I wanted to get this stuff moved out of here."
Bradley touched the crib and replied, "This is really nice; how come it's not finished."
Harm walked over to the dresser, "I never got around to it. Once we found out about Dav…the baby's problem we just closed up the room."
Bradley nodded, "What are you gonna do with all this furniture?"
"I thought I'd donate it to Goodwill. I'm sure there's a family that could make good use of it," Harm looked at his friend and then motioned for him to pick up the other end of the dresser. "Besides it's time we move on…Mac needs to get over it and she won't do that as long as the furniture's here."
Bradley dropped the dresser back to the floor, "Wait a minute…Mac doesn't know that you're giving David's things away." When Harm looked away, he continued, "Harm, you can't do this. You need to talk to Mac first. You can't make someone let go before they're ready…trust me, I know. I've been here, Buddy. You never move on, you just gradually accept and start living again."
Harm attempted to walk past, "Never mind, I'll get one of the neighbors to help," he huffed.
Bradley stood in the door barring his exit, "Hold up, Buddy…listen to me. You don't want to throw your marriage away. You've got a great family…you need to talk to them. If you want I'll help you move the furniture to the attic. That will give you and Mac some time to consider what you really want to do." He stared Harm in the eye until he got agreement. "Alright, let's get this moved…we have a plane to take up," he cheered and slapped his friend on the back.
xxxxx
When he arrived back home around 20:00, he found Mac sitting on their bed. As he approached her to give her a kiss, she moved her face away. "Okaaay, how was your day. Bradley and I had a great time flying Sarah." He moved about the bedroom changing into sleep shorts and a t-shirt.
As he pulled back the covers on his side of the bed, Mac stopped him, "No," she glared, "…where's David's things?"
He sat down on the bed, "Look Mac…you need to move on…get over all of this. You can't spend all your time staring at furniture that's never gonna be used. Sophie and I need you, too."
She stared ahead, "Where is it, Harm?"
He shifted nervously, "I gave it away." She looked at him with utter despair. "Sweetheart, you need to move on…you've got another child who needs your love and attention."
"She's had my love and attention all this time while you've been busy working," she wiped away tears in anger. "How could you just give away our son?"
"Mac, I didn't give him away. I gave away inanimate objects. Dav…the baby will always be here," he pointed to his heart.
"You can't even say his name. Harm, I'll never get over my son. The best I can hope for…no, the best I can give him…is to enjoy living my life while never forgetting the memory…the legacy of him. You better than any one should understand that concept." At his puzzled look she continued, "Your Father." He reached for her hand, "NO…" she pulled back, "…I think you should sleep in the other room tonight."
"But Mac…"
"Harm, I can't look at you right now. I love you, but…look I just need some space."
He nodded then grabbed his pillow and some blankets heading out of the room. He glanced back at her, "I'm sorry, Sarah. Bradley was right I should've listened…and my son's things are in the attic," he paused. "I can bring them back down if you want."
"No, that's OK," came her soft tearful reply.
"I love you, Sarah," his voice broke as he left the room.
He didn't hear the "I love you, too Harm," whispered back.
xxxxx
The remainder of the weekend was tense and both of them were relieved to return to their work responsibilities on Monday. Harm had been tied up in meetings at the Pentagon all morning; but in the drive back to his office, he'd come to the conclusion that it was his responsibility to make the first move to restore peace. He got off the elevator at JAG ops to drop off his briefcase before finding Mac to go to lunch. As he reached to open his door, he was pleasantly surprised to hear Mac's voice inside. The look of pleasure was replaced by anger at the sight that greeted him in his office; Mac was ensconced in Bradley Michaelson's arms.
Without waiting for an explanation, his mouth engaged before his brain caught-up. "Well Mac, I guess some people never outgrow their old habits." At the look of shock from the two people before him, he continued, "It wasn't bad enough that you ran into the arms of someone I loathed or someone I considered a casual friend…no, this time you ran to one of my best friends."
The look of pain on her face appeared only moments before the tears. "Harm, you don't understand…"
"No Mac, I don't, but I think you are familiar with the question, 'why did you run to him so quickly'? What didn't I answer correctly this time…what didn't I do fast enough," he sneered, "…you'd think I'd have learned by now. After all I've had 13 years of practice."
Bradley tried to stop the onslaught, "Harm, Buddy I think you need to stop…before you ruin everything that you hold dear." He grabbed Mac's hand pressing a slip of paper into her palm. "Sarah, I'm really sorry…I hope you'll take my suggestion…" he looked back toward Harm, "…especially now."
Harm glared back, "Some buddy you are…and don't call my wife Sarah." As Bradley slipped from the room, he noticed that the entire JAG ops staff was watching this melodrama unfold. He tried to close the office door for privacy but was stopped by Harm's imposing and immoveable figure.
Harm looked back to glare at his wife and immediately deflated when he saw the broken presence before him. "Sarah, I'm…" came his dejected reply.
"No Harm, once again you've underestimated me…Bradley was just offering a listening ear. He wanted to explain about Saturday," her voice cracked. "You know I think you were right in your assessment ages ago. Every man who I've ever been involved with is either dead or wishes they were. Even though David was just a little boy he couldn't escape the MacKenzie curse; but maybe if you…run fast enough…far enough, you'll just feel death rather than experience it." As she walked past him she turned back and whispered, "I thought we promised to leave the past in the past…to not hurt each other with it anymore."
He tried to hold onto her arm, "Mac…I…." She pulled out of his grasp and walked away.
As he stood dejected in his doorway, Bud approached and dragged him into his office closing the door. "Bud don't start…"
"Sir, permission to speak freely," Bud glared hard and long.
"Save it Bud, you can't make me feel worse than I already do. Now I need to go find my wife and beg her…"
"Sir, first you're going to sit down in that chair and then you're going to listen to me." Harm looked up dazed at Bud's obvious insubordination, but sat down as instructed. "Sir, I love you like a brother, but I am disappointed to call you my friend right now. I think you've figured out that you played this situation all wrong. So before you go chasing after Mac and making things worse, I'd give both of you some time to cool off." Bud left the room slamming the door on the way out.
xxxxx
Continued in Part 11c