Disclaimer: … Ugh… I hate these things…

Back at Emily's coffin, the maggot and the black widow spider were waiting for her with Chunky Monkey ice cream in hand and Kleenexes. Emily sat down and started crying hysterically.

"I knew he was too good to be true." She sobbed. "Maybe he does belong with Little Miss Living."

"Oh yeah," the spider said sarcastically. "And I'm Johnny Depp's girlfriend and the mother of his children."

"You are!" Emily asked, clearly clueless. "Lucky!"

"I was being sarcastic." The spider replied.

"THIS IS NO TIME TO BE SARCASTIC!" Emily wailed as she took a scoop of ice cream and stuffed in her mouth.

Then the maggot started randomly singing. Emily and the spider both looked at him like he was crazy, but they then started singing also. If you don't know what the song is (Tears to Shed)… why are you reading this fic?

Meanwhile, back in the land of the living, Victoria was in her room explaining what she saw to her mother.

"OHMYGOD!" Victoria shrieked. "Victor was in my room with a dead broad!"

"HE WAS IN YOUR ROOM!" Maudeline asked. "I KNEW HE WAS A PERVERT!"

Hildegard was in the room with them and she said to Victoria (with her speech impediment), "Oh, deawwie, you'ww shakin' wike a weaf! Wet Hildie fetch you blankie."

"Fetch her a strait jacket!" Maudeline demanded. She and Hildegard walked out of the room. "I'm going to lock you in your room and there's nothing you can do about it! MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…" (Five hours later…)

Are you quite done yet?

"Almost… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" She finally closed the door and locked it.

Just then, Victoria decided to sneak out by climbing out her window and using sheets and what not. She decided to go to the church and tell Pastor Galswells about what happened. She ran to the church with a blanket over her head to protect her from the rain and banged on the doors of the church.

Inside the church, Pastor Galswells was in his night gown and night cap and he was mumbling, "Gosh darn it! Who's at the freakin' door at this freakin' hour?" He opened the door and he saw Victoria sopping wet.

"Miss Everglot!" he exclaimed. "You should be at home, prostrate with grief!"

"Mr. Pastor Galswells Dude Person, I have to ask you something. You are the only person in the village who knows what waits beyond the grave." Victoria said

"A grim topic for a bride to be…" he replied.

"It's a bride I'm scared of." She said. "Can the living marry the dead?"

"WHAT!" he screamed.

"Victor's married to a corpse." She replied.

"Come with me," he replied as he put out the candle he was holding.

It turns out he was taking Victoria back to her house. He knocked on the door and Maudeline answered it.

"VICTORIA!" She bellowed. "Where are your corsets?"

"She's on crack and her mind has come undone I fear. She's talking about necrophilliacs and other unholy crap."

Finis randomly appeared behind Maudeline and said "Thank you, Pastor, it won't happen again."

Victoria was taken to her room by Hildegard. Maudeline and Finis stood in front of the fire and started talking about random crap. Barkis (coughMr.Buttface) then strolled into the room.

"Poor Victoria," he said. "That Victor person is not a man if he dumps beautiful Victoria. If I had a woman like that on my arm, I'd lavish her with Christian Dior clothing, expensive perfume that smells like dog butt and all of the Ben and Jerry's Ice cream cake she could eat."

"Your wife is very lucky to have you as a husband." Maudeline replied.

"Sadly, I'm not married. I planned to elope maybe 15 years ago, but my bride kicked the bucket and is now pushing up daisies." He said.

"Now you can marry Victoria!" Finis exclaimed.

Back in Victoria's room, Victoria was jabbing a fire poker at her door knob for some odd reason… I think she was trying to get out… Anyway, just as about she was going to take another jab, her parents walked in.

"Wonderful news, darling!" Finis exclaimed. "It turns out you're getting married after all."

"Victor's back! Yippee!" Victoria exclaimed. The six flags theme song randomly came on and she started (badly) dancing.

"Wrong-o!" Maudeline said. The music stopped and Victoria froze. "You're getting married to Lord Barkis."

"Crap!" Victoria exclaimed. "Why am I getting married to Mr. Butt-Face?"

"Because we said so!" Maudeline said. "And things will carry on…" she said as she walked out the door.

"According to Plan!" she and Finis said in unison as they closed the door. They walked down to the weird portrait gallery that had paintings that looked a lot like Finis.

Barkis was hiding behind a corner and as soon as the Everglots left the gallery, he started laughing maniacally.

"Oh yeah!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "I'm gonna get married, kill my broad and inherit her money! MUA HA HA HA HA HA!"

End of chapter... I think this one was a bit too short, but I think it's pretty good. Review and I'll hand out Victor Van Dort action figures that have cool phrases like, "I've got a dwarf and I'm not afraid to use him" and "Tomorrow we are to be m---m---m---..." Oh yeah... more B&J's ice cream for you : )

Happy Reading!

Love Always,

Harry's Girl 01031992