Relatively speaking, the conference room could've fared worse. The meeting table, while cracked and missing several pieces, was still standing. The roof was beginning to cave in and all the lights were busted, but the room was pretty clear of rubble. Mario, Peach, and several Toads sat around the table. The squishy alien was sat at the table as a Toad doctor applied topical ointments to his wounds. Bowser was also there, his feet propped up on the table. Mario leaned over to the princess.
"Hey, princess," he whispered, "are you-a sure it's a good idea to have Bowser here for this meeting?"
"Of course!" Peach replied, "Bowser was here for the incident just like the rest of us! In fact, he noticed it first! Ensuring the safe resolution of this crisis requires all of us to work together, so you two will have to get along!"
"Yeah, plumber boy!" Bowser sat up straight as he snarled at Mario. "Better play nice!"
Peach turned to face their alien friend. When Peach looked away, Mario held up his gloved middle finger to Bowser. Bowser shot back with an Iberian slap.
"So, sir, what was your name? Where did you come from?" Peach asked the alien.
With bated breath, the alien replied, "My name...is Meta Knight. My ship, the Battleship Halberd, was just blown out of space."
"Space, huh," Bowser said, "Do you think you could specify that a bit? 'Space' isn't very helpful, pal."
"I can't recall what my coordinates were. Both ships were on the move, and my head is hurting greatly. I'm quite certain that my brain is swelling right now. Doctor, do you have anything stronger than over the counter Tylenol to help with this?"
"Well," the Toad doctor answered, "until the princess decides to bring methamphetamines back onto the market, I'm afraid not. I do have some vitamin supplements on hand if you're interested."
"So who-a blew up your ship?" Mario's moustache twitched curiously at the blue stranger. Meta Knight sat in quiet contemplation before speaking.
"The blast surely put some distance between me and the Villainoct. Telling you their story shouldn't place you in any danger. Bring me to the Halberd. We'll go through my archives."
The princess scooped up Meta Knight and, followed by Mario and Bowser, tiptoed over debris to the wreckage of the Halberd. The Toads stayed behind, probably snorting the doctor's leftover Tylenol or something similar. Fuck the Toads.
As the gang approached the ship, the problem of entering the vessel became more apparent.
"Where's-a...where's-a the door?" Mario asked.
Meta Knight raised a gloved hand up to the sky. "The most direct entrance to the archives is on the starboard side, just in front of the auxiliary anti-aircraft railgun."
"How do we get up there?" Peach asked as she looked up at the mighty ship. Her gaze was broken by Meta Knight's cape slapping her in the face. When she brushed it out of the way, she was shocked to see that his cape was furling up into a pair of wings.
"I'm weak right now, but I should still have the strength to fly." Meta Knight began to flap his batlike wings, carrying both him and the princess into the air.
"Hey!" Bowser shouted, "How do we get up there!?"
"You're big. The red one is small. Carry him." And with that, Meta Knight was too far away to argue with. Not that Bowser didn't almost try anyway. Instead, though, he hung his head and let out a sigh.
"Get on, you guinea fuck."
And so, Bowser ascended the Halberd with Mario clinging to his shell. With every movement he made, Bowser grumbled under his breath.
"Quit-a whining, Bowser," Mario said to his nemesis, "I'm not that heavy."
"It's not physical stress I'm under, plumber boy. It's emotional stress."
"Well if I'm-a such a burden to you, maybe you shouldn't have-a saved me."
"I had to! I needed you as bait to get the princess out of the castle!"
"Well then why did you pull me into your shell with her!?"
"Because I-...huh. I'm not sure actually. I guess I just figured I should." Bowser continued scaling the rest of the distance in silence. Mario wished he could provoke the big lizard further so he could use some of the zingers he came up with back in the conference room; unfortunately, he wasn't sure how to respond to Bowser's answer, so he just joined his enemy in his silence.
Once Bowser and Mario joined Peach and Meta Knight atop the Halberd, they threw open the aforementioned door and slid in. The archive room was certainly damaged; the wall they landed on was dented, and it reeked of charred steel. However, the room managed to remain organized during the crash, with all of its tightly sealed cabinets still firmly shut.
"Place me down, Princess," Meta Knight requested, "so I may tell you the prophecy of the Smash Brothers."
As Meta Knight was brought to the ground, he hobbled over to one of the cabinets in the wall. Upon opening, the cabinet released a noxious purple smog along with flickers of embers. Meta Knight fished his hand around in the cabinet until he pulled out a tablet of stone. Covered in archaic lettering and murals, the tablet was bigger than the knight himself.
"The prophecy claims that darkness and light are inherent to our world, destined to clash perpetually. It says that neither can exist without the other. The darkness and the light are forced into this volatile coexistence; surely you've noticed it by now. How heroes best villains and villains best heroes again and again, with no end in sight. There may be victories in the short run, but ultimately, neither side can truly have their way."
While telling his tale, Meta Knight ran his hand over a certain portrait on the tablet. It depicted a heavenly being, covered in gold.
"The Stargazer was the only way to circumvent this rule. It's no more than the spirit of the man who first used its power, captured in a tangible form. The duality of darkness and light is the law of this world, but the power of the Stargazer is the power to rule the world. With it, one could overthrow the balance between darkness and light, and permanently change the world to suit their interests. The Stargazer doesn't care about moral quandaries or personal desires; all it needs from you is the will to channel its power.
"The Villainoct I mentioned are a group of villains who intend to use this power. Just as the prophecy predicted, they united in the hopes of awakening the Stargazer and forging a new world of their own design. They're the ones who blew my ship to kingdom come. Some are from our universe, some are not. All are masters of the darkness. But none are darker than the one who united them."
Meta Knight then moved his hand to another image on the tablet, this one of a shadowy figure cloaked in robes of blood. Its stare felt unnervingly alive.
"The others have embraced the darkness. But he was born from it. The hate of a scorned god given flesh, he's a scourge on his land, a threat to his world on his own. With the Stargazer, he's a threat to the universe as we know it. Who knows how far his world is from this one, but no distance could protect you from the Stargazer in his hands. I assume you've never heard his name in the third person. I pray you'll never use it in the second. The newest bane of this world and all others goes by the name-"
"Hey, that-a kinda looks like-a Ganondorf," Mario interjected.
"...How do you know who Ganondorf is?"
"Yeah, who's Ganondorf, Mario?" Peach asked.
"He's that-a warlord Link always fights. Remember Link? He-a slept over the castle one time? We went-a racing with him a bit ago."
"Oh! Yeah I know Link! I don't think I've seen Ganondorf, but I know who you're talking about."
"I went inside his castle once," Bowser added, "Design was pretty bland, but he keeps some kickass meat stew in his fridge."
"Ganondorf let you inside his castle!?" Meta Knight exclaimed.
"Hey, I didn't say he let me inside, I said I went inside."
"Jesus. So this is Hyrule? Out of every planet I could've landed on, I land on the one where Ganondorf lives?"
"Well, this isn't exactly Hyrule," Peach pointed out, "We're in the Mushroom Kingdom; a hop, skip, and a pond away from Hyrule."
"Same planet, same difference...wait, maybe that's it! Maybe the prophecy is what brought me here."
Bowser groaned, "Holy shit, dude, how much prophecy can you fit on one rock, Rosetta Stone looking ass."
"The prophecy is called the prophecy of the Smash Brothers for a reason. The final piece of the prophecy is that a group of exceptional individuals would band together in order to stop the Villainoct. These warriors - the Smash Brothers - are especially attuned to the energy of life which fuels our universe. They can harness this power and unleash it in destructive bursts. And one of these Smash Brothers - the Super Smash Brother - is said to be the key to deciding whether or not the Stargazer is awakened. Perhaps landing here marks the beginning of the Smash Brothers."
"Cool, so what's our next move?"
"That'll depend on how badly the ship's been damaged. Come with me." Meta Knight fluttered back out of the ship. Mario shot Bowser looks contorted with confusion.
"What?"
"You want to stop-a this Villainoct gang?" Mario asked, "I thought-a darkness was your thing."
"Yeah, but they dropped a ship on my head. No one gets away with that!" And with that, Bowser climbed out of the archive room. Mario turned his confusion to the Princess.
"Give him a chance," Peach insisted, "It sounds like we'll need all the help we can get."
Back outside the ship, the gang once again confirmed that the Halberd was indeed broken. Meta Knight grumbled at the situation.
"It's completely inoperational. Great. If we're going to storm Ganondorf's castle, we'll need the Halberd to give us cover. It'll surely be torn to pieces again, but it's the only vessel with a chance at staying in one piece until we pass enemy borders."
"Can you fix it?" Bowser asked.
"Yes, but it would take me time. Maybe a year or two. That's time we don't have.
"How much time could we save if I have some of my subjects help you?"
Meta Knight paused thoughtfully before turning to the princess. "I appreciate the help you and your people have been your highness - really, I do. But I've met your Toads. I fear that if we have them 'repair' the Halberd, they'll do a better job at wrecking it than the Villainoct did."
Peach held up her finger as she was about to protest, before quietly putting it back down and nodding in agreement.
"It's not entirely their fault," Meta Knight continued, "The Halberd is one of the most complicated pieces of machinery in the universe. The only men I've ever met that were able to operate it were the men who built it themselves. I watched it get put together with my own eyes, and I still had some troubles with it in its run. It would take an engineering mastermind to help me fix it, and an engineering gold mine of resources to do so post haste. I don't imagine you know anyone like that."
The other three stood and thought, tapping their feet on the ground.
"...Well, we-a go racing a lot, but I wouldn't call any of us engineers," Mario thought out loud, "I'm-a pretty sure Wario owns a motorcycle...maybe we could-wait! I know who to call!"
"You do?" Peach asked.
"Yeah! Do you remember-a Jay?"
Cut from the mystical Mushroom Kingdom to the whimsical Bronx borough of New York City, where murder is high and theft is low - when the victim is dead beforehand, it's counted as graverobbing instead. On this sunny Bronx day, a sullen older man slunk through his apartment, making way towards his fridge. He threw open the door, shielding his eyes from the blinding radiance of the refrigerator bulb.
"Verizon customer service, how can I help you?" the man spoke into the phone tucked between his shoulder and his cheek. He pulled a pizza slice out of his fridge, and spoke between bites.
"Uh huh...uh huh...alright ma'am, have you tried cleaning the gold connector on the SIM?"
The man took his slice to his couch and dropped himself onto it, slung over it just like the many used clothes he'd left behind.
"...uh huh...okay, what I'd like you to do is try replacing the battery and-...which hole does it go in? There should only be one-...ma'am, that's the port for the SIM card. You have to leave the card in the phone for it to work...uh huh...okay, great. Is there anything else I can help you with today?...Alright, have a wonderful day." The man hung up the phone with a groan. "Fucking troglodyte."
As quickly as it was over, his phone rang again.
"Christ of Nazareth." The man answered the phone, "Verizon customer service, how can I help you today?"
"Jay! Is that-a you?" Mario asked from the other end.
"Oh hey, hey, uh...Mario, Mario, that was it."
"Yeah, from the Mushroom Kingdom! How are things back home?"
"Oh wonderful, great," Jay rubbed the scar on his forehead, "Hey, you know that this is my work number, right? I'm not really supposed to be taking personal calls right now."
"I'm-a sorry, Jay, but this is important! Plus we tried calling your home phone but it said that the number didn't exist anymore, so we had to look up the Verizon customer support number in your area."
"Oh, yeah, right! I should probably pay the bill for that phone." Jay reached a grubby hand between the cushions of his couch. "Bill oughta be somewhere in here."
"Jay, listen, we-a really need your-a help! It's kind of a long-a story, but we have an airship we need to fix fast, and you're the only person we can think of who'd have the skills and tools to fix it!"
"Airships? I, uh, I don't really do that anymore. Not since what happened-" Jay stopped his train of thought when he felt something strangely familiar underneath the cushions.
"I know, Jay, but the universe is at-a stake! We'll-a come pick you up, we'll-a bring you to the ship, and the second it can-a fly, you can go-a right back home! There's no one other than-a Captain Falcon who can do this!"
Jay listened to Mario's pleas as he pulled the strange item out of the couch - it was a photo of him, from a time long since past. His complexion was healthier, his eyes were brighter, and he wasn't wearing pajamas. In it, he stood proudly in front of a sleek blue aircraft, as a crowd in the back cheered him on. Jay stared into the picture intensely, waiting for old memories that didn't come.
"Uh...sure," Jay finally conceeded, "Fuck it. Come pick me up, just bring a burger from the place by town hall. I'll see what I can do."
"Yes! Thank-a you, Jay, we'll be there in a while. We'll-a let you know when we're there." Mario hung up the phone and turned to his companions. "Okay, we have someone to fix-a the Halberd! Let's take the warp pipe to Brooklyn and go pick him up! Everyone ready?"
"Ready," declared Meta Knight.
"Ready!" exclaimed Bowser.
"Ready!" stated Peach.
"Ready," said the Toad hiding up in Peach's coocher.
And so, our heroes began their journey to stop the Villainoct, save the universe, and bring the crown back from Shell City. Godspeed, Mario. Godspeed.