Mario, Bowser, and Peach ambled through the woods, Meta Knight still resting in Peach's arms. Mario dug through his overall pockets, now stuffed with power-ups.

"Let's see, did we bring everything?" Mario asked the group, "We've-a got a-fire flowers, a-freezies, a-bob-ombs, a-...grass?"

"Hmm…" Bowser scratched his chin in contemplation. "Ooh! I know! We-"

"Bowser, we're-a not bringing the cat suits."

"Aw man…"

"Princess," Meta Knight said, looking up at Peach, "what exactly is this 'warp pipe'?"

"It's the most common form of transportation in the Mushroom Kingdom!" Peach answered. "They can travel great distances. Warp pipes like this one can even travel across dimensions!"

Meta Knight's gelatinous flesh went cold. "We're going to another dimension?"

"Mhm, to where I was born," Mario added, "I'm from a place called-a Brooklyn. It's-a like the Mushroom Kingdom, except instead of coins and Toads, its got gang violence and the elderly getting decapitated by 18-wheelers. Oh, hey look! We're here!"

The gang stopped in front of a quaint little yellow house. "Mario Bros." was engraved on a plaque hanging above the door. Luigi was sat on the house's porch, investigating a scratch card with a quarter.

"Hey, Mario," Luigi said, turning to greet his brother, "did everything go okay at the-wah! B-B-Bowser! What's he doing here!?"

"Huh?" Mario realized who he'd brought home. "Oh, no, we're chill right now, don't worry."

"Oh, ok, cool."

"C'mon, the pipe's around back." Mario led his friends and Bowser to the back of the house. Luigi put down his scratch card and followed the gang.

"You guys are-a headed back home?" Luigi asked his brother.

"Yeah, there's-a this prophecy and some villains want this world-ending superweapon, you know how it is."

"World-ending!? That-a sounds dangerous! Should I-a come with you bro?"

"No, no, don't worry, Luigi, I'll-a take care of this. You take the day off after that-a beating you took from Yoshi."

"Hey, you lost too!"

The brothers laughed as they all entered the backyard. Yoshi was sleeping peacefully in a big pen, and a green metal pipe was sticking out of the ground. It was more than large enough to fit a man, and maybe large enough to fit a Bowser.

"So how does it work?" Meta Knight asked.

"It's-a very simple to use," Mario said, "Just hop in and the pipe'll do the rest!" To demonstrate, Mario leapt into the air and jumped into the pipe. He made it about three feet into the pipe before the ground brought him to a sharp stop, shattering his ankles.

"Do we have to jump in that hard? It looked quite painful."

"Yeah, it was." Mario winced as he crawled out of the pipe. "The pipes don't normally do that-a sort of thing."

It was then that a shrill voice warbled through the air.

"Is anything about this normal, Mario?"

The very fabric of reality wriggled and writhed like gelatin, before a figure flashed into existence. Hanging over the brothers, the imp was adorned with a puffy, tattered cape; colored bright grape purple and piss yellow, it even came with a matching hat. His face was frozen like a mask, the only motion coming from his contorted grin. Meta Knight leapt out from Peach's arms, and aimed his sword at the mystic figure.

"Dimentio!" Meta Knight called to the being.

"Meta Knight, the poised parrying pipsqueak," Dimentio replied.

"You two know each other?" Mario asked.

"Somewhat. I've heard of Meta Knight. Then again, I've heard of all of you! Mario, the Princess, Bowser…" Dimentio paused as he stared at Luigi. "Um...huh…"

Luigi groaned, "C'mon, who do you see with-a Mario more than anyone else?"

"...Sonic the Hedgehog?"

"Mario! Hedgehog! Back away from that harlequin!" Meta Knight cried, "He's a member of the Villainoct!"

"Ah, so you've heard of me too, Meta Knight." Dimentio's face jittered with snickering. "I am Lord Ganondorf's master of dimensions, the pleaser of crowds, Dimentio! Remember the name well, for you'll find my magic gracing every warp pipe in the Mushroom Kingdom! As long as it's active, not a single warp pipe will take you out of this dimension!"

"And you came all the way here just to tell us that?" Meta Knight asked.

"Of course! As a knight, you must know a thing or two about chivalry. From now on, we're all going to be playing a very long game; it would be rude for me not to introduce myself first. Ah ha ha, and now we begin! Ciao!" The same way he'd appeared, Dimentio blinked out of the air.

"How are we-a supposed to get to Brooklyn now?" Mario said as he rubbed his ankles.

"Do we really need to?" Peach turned to Meta Knight. "If we combine my army with Bowser's, can we not storm Ganondorf's castle without the Halberd?"

"The Villainoct is four armies strong if not more," Meta Knight replied, "Even with the Halberd to get us across enemy lines, we barely stand a glimmer of a chance. You saw for yourself how they decimated my ship. If we try to approach the castle unprotected, we'll be torn to shreds."

"Well that-a does it." Mario brought his hand to his chin. "So how are-a we supposed to get to Brooklyn? Even if we find another way, that Dimentio will probably-a block it off too."

Now at a standstill, the gang stood around in silent contemplation. Both Meta Knight and Mario were right, but to satisfy both claims seemed impossible. Just then, Bowser snapped his fingers in enlightenment.

"Hey, blue dude!" Bowser said, "Do you have any way to contact these villain guys?"

Meta Knight blinked at the beast's question. "Well...I was able to tap into their communication lines before being attacked, and I'm sure I could do it again. I only did so to overhear what they were saying, but I could probably manage to send a message their way."

"Great! Everyone, follow me to my castle. I have a plan!"

"Wait, what's the plan?" Peach asked.

"I'll explain when we get there."

"Why do we have to wait until then?"

"Dramatic flair!" Bowser ran back down the path the group had taken.

"Mario, this sounds-a really serious! Are you sure you-a don't want me to come?" Luigi asked his brother.

"I'm-a positive." Mario patted his brother on the back. "Besides, Dimentio might return to the house. You should keep an eye out for him."

"Yes, Hedgehog, stay wary of Dimentio!" Meta Knight warned.

"I'm-a not Sonic the Hedgehog!" And so, Sonic the Hedgehog watched as his brother and his unlikely allies made way for Bowser's castle.

Bowser had led the group to a quaint train station at the edge of Toad Town. It had a cheerful earthy color palette, and carried the scent of tulips. The atmosphere had soaked into the gang, allowing them to mellow out on a bench as they awaited their ride.

"You made a pretty good recovery, Meta Knight," Mario commented, twiddling his gloved thumbs.

"I don't feel as though I've recovered much at all," Meta Knight replied.

"But you're-a able to walk now."

"I've been able to walk since I awoke in the castle." Meta Knight's answer provoked a head turn from all of his acquaintances.

"What? Then-a why did you ask us to-a carry you?"

"I never asked you to carry me, I said 'bring me to the Halberd'. I woke up in the throne room, and didn't know where the Halberd was."

"Well-a why didn't you say anything?"

"Because being carried felt very comfy."

The Princess broke into a fit of laughter. Mario and Bowser didn't find it as funny. Just then, the group was pulled out of their shenanigans by a cloud of smoke rolling through the station. Its rancid stench choked everyone in its path.

"Oh hey, it's-ack!" Bowser sputtered, "It's our ride!"

A chunky green train rolled into the station through the wall of smog, as if straight from Hell. Its smokebox was decorated to look like Bowser's face, complete with horns and a glowing, jagged grin.

"The Bad Breath Express! My own private train!" Bowser slapped the door of the train with pride. His glowing confidence didn't falter as the door proceeded to fall off.

"Since when did you have your own train running directly into the Mushroom Kingdom?" Peach asked.

"So many questions, so little time, get in the train." Bowser led the gang to their seats as the train took off to Bowser's castle. The interior of the train featured fading yellow wallpaper and black leather chairs; it looked less like an evil tyrant's train and more like a Goodwill from Hell.

"Meta Knight," Peach asked, "we should probably know a bit more about this 'Villainoct' if we're going to be running into them from now on. Who exactly are they?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out myself." Meta Knight wrapped himself in his cape as he told his story. "To be honest, I don't know everything about the Villainoct. I don't even know all of its members. But I do know some things. I know there are about ten members of the Villainoct. Most members are the leaders of their own army; it's usually the reason they're recruited. It's the idea of strength in numbers. At least one member is from another universe. And I know five of their names.

"I've told you already of Ganondorf. Darkness incarnate. He was the one to discover the prophecy, and to organize the Villainoct. You've also met Dimentio, his flying monkey. I'm under the impression that he and Ganondorf met before the Villainoct was formed. It's likely his good favor with Ganondorf that kept the little punk in the organization.

"Ridley's the one who shot the Halberd out of the sky. He's a ferocious killer, and the leader of a gang of intergalactic pirates. Last I saw him, he was hanging around in a frigate called the Orpheon. Their ranks also include Wolf O'Donnell, a mercenary from outer space. He doesn't have an army of his own, but he apparently makes up for it with his tactical skills. The last member I know of is the Goddess of Darkness Medusa. She rules over a legion of monsters known as the Underworld Army."

"So wait," Bowser said, "If Medusa is the Goddess of Darkness, and Ganondorf is darkness, shouldn't Medusa be in charge of Ganondorf, and by extension, the Villainoct?"

"I'm glad you asked, Bowser, because there's actually an intricate and detailed answer to your question."

And then Meta Knight went on about a bunch of moral philosophy meta-ethics shit, referencing the works of authors like Epicurus and Richard Brandt. Mario and the Princess got very invested in the discussion and all three of them began bouncing around various theories on moral goodness, but Bowser really wasn't feeling up to that nerd shit. He also didn't want to look stupid, though, so he proceeded to nod and say yes for the next two hours until the train made it to Bowser's castle.

Eventually, the train made it to a fiery molten hellscape. Mostly barren, the horizon was dominated by a black armored castle. Like the train, it was decorated with Bowser's visage.

"Behold, the best castle ever made!" Bowser said, "Take a look from a distance! Powerful and awe-inspiring design choices slap your face! Its like looking at me!"

The train stopped in front of the castle, and Bowser raced inside. Mario awkwardly shuffled along. Meta Knight was about to get up when Peach scooped him up and carried him out. He was surprised initially, but settled in easily. Once they were inside, Bowser led the group down his castle's torch lit halls.

"Ok, Bowser, we're at the castle," Mario said as they trotted down the red velvet floor, "Can you explain your-a plan to get to Brooklyn now?"

"I'm going to join the Villainoct! Any questions?"

"Several. How is that supposed to-a help anything?"

"Simple; the Villainoct definitely have some way to travel across dimensions. Therefore, if we join them, we can use their tech to get to Brooklyn!" Bowser threw open two granite doors into his room. He ran in and began to dig through a box in the corner of the room."

"But Dimentio knew who you were, so they clearly-a know you're part of our group. How are you supposed to get-a let in?"

"That's the genius of it, pipehead; it won't be me getting into the Villainoct. It'll be me in disguise. I'll sneak into their ranks with a costume they'll never see coming-...hey, I can't see the costume! Where is it?" Bowser tore through his box for a while with no results. "Damnit, it's not here. I wonder if I threw it in Junior's playchest. Everyone, come with me."

Bowser led the gang to a door across the hall. He gave it a light knock. No response. A few more knocks, and still silence.

"He must be busy with his game, You know how kids are, they like to have fun," Bowser explained. He then opened the door, leading to what could only be described as a landfill of toys and junk. Sat in the center of it all was what appeared to be a smaller version of Bowser - almost half of Mario's height - playing a Nintendo Switch.

"FUCK YOU, WHORE! MY DAD OWNS NINTENDO, HE'LL GET YOU KICKED OFF OF FORTNITE FOR A MILLION YEARS!" The smaller Bowser ripped a pair of headphones off of his head and threw it at the ground.

"Bowser Jr!" Bowser said as he marched into the room, "What have I told you about how we talk to other people?"

"But Dad, he called me a faggot!"

Bowser swiped up the headphones and then roared into the mic.

"THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY KID!? I'LL GET YOU KICKED OFF OF FORTNITE FOR TWO MILLION YEARS!" Bowser threw the headphones back onto the ground and then punched a hole in the wall, much to Bowser Jr.'s delight. "Phew. Anyway, Junior, I think I left something in your toybox. Do you mind if I take a quick look for it?"

"Sure, Dad," Bowser Jr. said, turning back to his TV. With Junior's okay, Bowser began to dig through his son's toybox - a chest that had clearly failed its job. "Say, Dad, what are you looking for?

Bowser began to sweat as he turned to face his son. He pulled something out of the chest and stuffed it in his shell before it could be scrutinized.

"Uh...nothing you need to worry about. It's adult stuff."

"Then why is it in his room?" Meta Knight asked.

"I don't know, why are you in my house, criticizing my life and how I do my laundry?" Bowser began to shunt his group out of his son's room.

"Wait, Dad, who was that-" As Bowser Jr. turned to look at Meta Knight, he noticed the Princess standing in the doorway. With a grin on his face, he jumped up from the toy hoard and tackled Peach with a hug.

"Mama, Mama, you're here!" Not letting go, Bowser Jr. looked up to his father with pride. "Dad! Did you finally beat that nasty man Mario!"

"Uh...not exactly, Junior." Twiddling his fingers, Bowser shuffled a step to the left to reveal Mario in the hallway.

"Wow! You captured him too!"

"No, Junior. Mario and I are...sort of working together for now."

Bowser Jr's grin sunk like quicksand.

"You're what!?" Bowser Jr. let go of Peach and ran up to his father. "But why, Dad? He's...he's Mario!"

"I know, Junior, but we're dealing with something serious this time. Mario can't handle this on his own, and neither can I."

"Woah." Bowser Jr. shrunk underneath his father's words. He looked down at the ground and tapped his foot for a while, until looking back up at his father. "Alright, fine. We can work with Mario."

"Okay, good." Bowser turned back to his companions. "Now then, let's get going on our plan."

"Hey, wait for me!" Bowser Jr. called out, halting his father yet again.

"Oh...Junior, this is a pretty serious deal. You should probably stay here at the castle."

"What!? No fair! I wanna help! I can help!" Bowser Jr began to stomp his feet on the ground, plugging out his father's reasoning.

"Bowser Jr," Peach said. The koopa toddler paused his tantrum. "We know you can help. But we'll be fine as it is. We promise we'll come back and let you know everything that happened. But for now, we have to go."

"Eugh, fine," Bowser Jr. growled. He tromped back over to his toy pile as the gang slipped out of his room.

"I know that I stressed how we need more than an army," Meta Knight said, "but I can't help but notice all of the help we've been turning down."

"Hey, don't drag me into this." Peach gestured down at her gown. "I already let Toad come along."

"HELLO!" Toad called out from the depths of the queenly cooter.

"You mean-a Luigi?" Mario rubbed the back of his head. "Luigi's-a strong, but he's a gentle man. There's-a no need for us to drag him into this if we don't need to, and we'll-a be fine."

"Yeah, and my kid's five! I don't want him involved in this. This is serious shit." Bowser then pulled his disguise out of his shell. "Anyway, someone help me get my fursuit on."

"Oh Jesus-a Christ, Bowser, not this again!"

"The catsuit, Bowser?" Peach asked, stunned, "That's your plan?"

"Precisely!" Bowser unfolded his crusty orange fursuit and began to enter its waiting void. "I'll infiltrate the Villainoct under the guise of my fursona Meowser! Now everyone, come to my throne room! I have a projector; Meta Knight, you rig it to call those Villainoct guys!"

And so they did just that. As "Meowser" sat on his obsidian throne, Meta Knight tinkered around on the projector next to the king. Mario and Peach waited on the side of the room, painfully looking on at what was about to go down. The projector began to flicker to life. Light shot out onto the wall opposing "Meowser", and an image began to form.

"This is it, everyone!" "Meowser" gestured for Meta Knight to take cover behind the throne. "Alright, Bowser, you can do this. You majored in dark magic, but that minor in theatre wasn't for nothing!"

Soon, the image was complete, and "Meowser" saw the figure of a towering woman. Her skin deathly pale, she was covered in billowing purple robes. Snakes erupted from her scalp, and a black insignia decorated her chilling stare. She stood in the center of a spacious stone room, lit by candlelight. She was turned away from "Meowser" as she talked into the distance.

"Pipe it, Dimentio, we're getting a call. It's from..." The serpent woman turned to face "Meowser." "...Bowser? How did you get on our line?"

"B-Bowser? Who's that? I've literally never heard of the name Bowser before." Bowser turned to Mario and the Princess and gave them a big thumbs up. Mario and Peach could barely look at the koopa without wincing.

"...Is this a joke?"

"Not at all! I'm Meowser! King of the Kitty Kingdom! And I'd like to offer you my services!"

"You wish to join the Villainoct?"

"Indeed! I've heard of the power you're after, and I wish to have some of that power to allow my Kitty Kingdom to prosper!"

"What exactly can the...Kitty Kingdom provide for the Villainoct?"

"Easy; every cat's got nine lives. Keep me on your team, and you'll effectively be nine times as strong."

"And you're sure Bowser won't have a problem with you assisting us? He's currently working with the Mushroom Kingdom to defeat us, you know."

"Like I said, I've never heard of this 'Bowser' of which you speak."

"Oh really? Because this transmission seems to be coming directly from Bowser's castle. You know, in the center of Bowser's Koopa Kingdom."

Bowser broke into a sweat, which was thankfully absorbed by the matted patches of fur he wore. "What? Bowser owns this castle? That's so weird, I've never seen him here. He must be busy all the time, going out to the gym and attracting women with his gargantuan muscles."

"And what exactly are you doing in his castle as opposed to your own castle. In your own kingdom."

Bowser gripped the arms of his chair, nearly ripping them clean off. His heart raced as he scrambled to come up with an answer. He could feel the corner he drove himself into stabbing him in his back. Should he just cut the transmission now?

But then Bowser got an idea.

An awful idea.

Bowser got a wonderful, awful idea.

Bowser looked over at his companions, flashing them a little "watch this" wink. He then turned back to the serpent lady, crossed his legs à la Basic Instinct, and gave her his response.

"I'm here as a tenant. I rent the basement."

Mario nearly fucking choked.

"You rent the basement?" the serpent lady echoed.

"I rent the basement. Economy in the Kitty Kingdom's been tough, so I had to sell the mortgage on my castle. That's why I need to join you, so I can bring my people out of this depression and return to my purr-fect palace with the glory our kingdom once held!"

A conflicted silence filled the room. The serpent lady slowly brought two fingers to an intercom in her ear.

"Give me a minute." The serpent lady spoke into her intercom. "Hello, Ganondorf? We're receiving a request from one 'Meowser' of the Kitty Kingdom for entry into the Villainoct...no, not Bowser, specifically 'Meowser'...no, it's not a joke, I asked...probably...right...alright, I'll let him know."

As the serpent lady hung up on her intercom, Mario, Peach, and Meta Knight all hung their heads at the disaster they were currently stuck in. They braced themselves as the serpent lady gave her answer to Bowser's request.

"You're in."

Mario really almost fucking choked this time.

"You mean it!?" Bowser asked.

"We mean it. Ganondorf said to meet us at the Arbiter's Grounds - an ancient prison in the western deserts of Hyrule. There, we'll discuss the details of your induction. Surely, a king of your capability won't have any difficulty making the journey. Make it hasty, Meowser."

On that note, the serpent lady ended the transmission.

"We did it!" Bowser cheered as he peeled off his fursuit.

"There isn't a single part of your plan that should have worked," Meta Knight said as Peach picked him back up.

"Well it hasn't worked entirely yet. That was only step one. Now it's time for step two. Everyone, we're headed to Hyrule!"