By the time Dr. Mario and Toon Link made it into the escape bay, most of the escape pods had already left. They were popping out of the Orpheon like candy, all of them packed like clown cars. Inside the circular hub for these pods, the two were mostly faced with empty holes, barring one with an out of order sign. Running out of options, Toon scanned the room for an opportunity. It was then he noticed that the doors to each pod had a white number above them. All of them were in the hundreds, and they were listed in order. Toon followed the numbers to find escape pod 420. Three space pirates were currently climbing inside.
"Hey, you guys didn't hear it from me," Toon Link yelled into the crowd, "but Ridley told me that whoever uses pod 420 is gay."
The three Space Pirates inside scrambled to get out. Everyone else visibly avoided it. Toon elbowed his friend while snickering at his master plan.
"Dude ha ha get it it's the weed number."
"What was that-a Toon?" Dr. Mario fidgeted around with his ears as the two made their way to the pod. "My ears are-a ringing from the reactor core explosion."
Toon tried signing his joke to the doctor, but gave up when he noticed Dr. Mario stop in front of the pod. The doctor began to sweat as he peered into the pod.
"It-a looks so small in there, Toon."
"C'mon, doc, we won't be in here for that long. Don't worry about it."
With a slight tug, Toon managed to coerce the doctor into the pod. While definitely snug, the pod was actually pretty comfortable. The seats were padded, and the temperature was nice and toasty. Dr. Mario turned his back to the door as he faced a small set of buttons and knobs.
"Monita," Dr. Mario asked, retrieving the tablet, "how do we operate this-a pod?"
"EVERY EMERGENCY ESCAPE POD IS OUTFITTED WITH AN AUTOPILOT FUNCTIONALITY. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS AND THE POD WILL AUTOMATICALLY TRAVEL TO THE NEAREST HOSPITABLE PLANET - TALLON IV, CURRENTLY 105 KILOMETERS AWAY - WITH NO FURTHER ASSISTANCE REQUIRED."
As the doctor began to type away on the control panel, Toon Link looked back into the Orpheon. All of a sudden, something began to pang throughout his heart. A hollow feeling.
"Hold up on that, doc, I need to take care of something first." Toon Link climbed out of the pod and ran up to the opposite wall of the Orpheon. Placing a tiny hand on the wall, Toon Link took a deep breath in, and then a deep breath out.
"Orpheon," he said under his breath, "...you're the first home I've ever known. The only one I've ever known. Hasn't really felt like home, but seeing you blow up in smoke...I dunno, it feels like I'm losing a part of myself. But maybe that's good. Maybe it's like a snake shedding its old skin, to become something better. I like snakes. Snakes are cool. Take care, Orpheon. It was nice knowing-"
Toon Link was interrupted by a sliding mechanical whirr coming from behind. He turned around, only to be met with the doors of pod 420 closing shut.
"Doc? Hey, Doc, wait, I'm not in! I'm not in!"
"Did you-a say something, Toon? I still can't-a quite hear you." Dr. Mario rubbed his ears again, shooting his friend an innocent look. For only a brief glimmer could Toon Link see the color drain from the doctor's face, soaked in horror before the doors slammed shut. Toon Link ran outside into the hall and pressed his face against a window. He could only watch as pod 420 snapped off of the side of the ship. Joining the other masses of pods hanging dormant around the Orpheon, thrusters flared up to life on the bottom and sides of the pod to push it away. Toon poked his head back into the escape bay, only to see it barren. Neither a Space Pirate nor a pod to be found. Toon Link took a step back from the window as he yanked on his hair.
"Okay. Okay. Okay okay, calm down, Toon. There's gotta be another way off this ship. Has to be. You're gonna find it, and everything's gonna be fine."
Toon Link let go of his hair, closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath.
"Yeah. And you know what? Good thing at least one of us just got off this thing."
Toon opened his eyes and smiled as he watched pod 420 hover towards the massive rusty planet dominating the view.
"It was nice knowing you, doctor." Toon Link began to walk away from the window. "Let's hope life treats us both better."
*Crash!*
Toon jerked back to the window. In an instant, pod 420 was now spinning wildly in the opposite direction, hints of smoke dancing around the machine.
"What!? How!?" Toon Link gave his blonde locks another tug as he backed up against the wall. "How did they pick him out so quickly!? His pod doesn't look any different from the others!"
Suddenly something smooth jabbed him in the back; ladder rungs, crawling up the wall to a hatch above deck. Toon wasted no time ascending the ladder. Just as Toon's bulbous head popped into the vast blackness of space, he saw another shot fired at the doctor's pod. A bright purple bolt of energy, it tore through the air as it crackled with rage. As the shot collided with pod 420, Toon heard the attacker's husky snarl.
"You're in my sights!"
Even amongst sirens blaring and the flames shooting out of the Orpheon's metal shell, that guttural voice seemed to dominate the atmosphere. Following the voice, Toon saw a figure planted calmly on the burning deck of the frigate. Toon was hesitant to call it a man; with the head of a wolf and the eyes of a killer, nothing about this being felt human. Either way, Toon knew exactly what to call this demonic entity.
"That's Wolf O'Donnell!"
Wolf pocketed the purple pistol he'd used to fire on the escape pod - a serrated blade at the end of the gun tore through the holster. Without a moment's hesitation, Wolf flung himself off the side of the Orpheon. A small fighter plane zipped out from under the ship to catch his fall. It was blood red and jagged, as if thrown together with the stained teeth of dragons.
As Wolf slunk into the pilot's seat, Toon Link knew he had to act. He ran up to the edge of the deck, bringing himself so close that one breath could push him into the void. So Toon Link held his breath as he pulled out his hookshot and aimed it at the mercenary.
"C'mon!"
The back of Wolf's craft hissed with plasma. It's target was clearly the pod, but Toon couldn't help trembling as the gap between him and the plane shrunk by the second. Snap out of it, Toon! With a stomp of his foot and a clench of his ass, Toon Link held the hookshot firmly in place until he was right under Wolf. The chain snapped out of the hookshot. Success! It pierced the hull of the plane! But he couldn't celebrate for long; he was quickly yanked off of the deck of the ship, now being dragged through the air as his little body flailed. Wolf clearly took notice. The plane swerved to the right and ground to a halt, causing Toon Link to crash headfirst into the underside of the aircraft.
The pain blinded Toon for a moment, but his resolve didn't waver. Toon released his hook's grip on the plane, allowing himself to tumble back onto the Orpheon. He just barely missed getting skewered by a pylon sticking out of the frigate. On his backside, Toon shot the hookshot again, this time at Dr. Mario's escape pod. Once it landed, Toon Link swung with all his might to fling the pod back towards Tallon IV. He got the pod moving, but not very quickly - certainly not faster than the aircraft could fly. But Toon wasn't done yet. In the one second Wolf spared to reorient his ship, Toon shot the hookshot back at the aircraft. This time, however, he rolled up to his feet and began to tie the hookshot around the base of the pylon. The massive links of the hookshot's chains were difficult to form into a knot, but every tissue of strength packed into his little baby body seemed to be just enough for the task.
Wolf's aircraft took off again, pulling the chain taut. Toon couldn't move his hand before the chain snapped on it. The Hylian screamed as he felt the bones of his hand shatter. Even through his pain, however, Toon kept holding on. Not a moment after Toon's hand was crushed did Wolf find his ship flipped upside down. Pinned to the pylon, Wolf's plane was helpless as it hurtled into the deck of the Orpheon in a burst of fire. Watching his friend finally peacefully float away, Toon Link pried his hand from the chain. It was swollen and dark purple, throbbing violently.
"Wish I had some of that Bupivacaine right about now," Toon said to himself.
*Snikt!*
It couldn't have been in more time than the blink of an eye that Wolf appeared in front of Toon. His claws had left sparks in the air as he ripped them through the pylon. This one attack was enough to bring the pylon down, screeching in agony as its metal base warped and snapped. With his good hand, Toon whipped out his shield and covered himself before he was buried by the tower.
Toon Link remained there for a few minutes, balled up underneath the wreckage of the pylon. His shield had protected him from most of the debris, but he could hardly breathe underneath its weight. He tried kicking the debris away with his stumpy legs, but it wouldn't budge. With his good hand, Toon then tried to drag his own body out from under the wreckage. It took some squirming, and the metal bars of the pylon dug into Toon's skin, but he eventually managed to free half of his body. Toon could finally take a long overdue breath - only for it to tickle his lungs with blood, and force him to spit it all out onto the floor.
"You're good. But I'm better."
Toon Link rolled over; Wolf was towering over the Hylian, silent as Toon crawled back and hopped up to his feet. The mercenary must've known that the lifeless glow from his one good eye was enough to turn one's legs to jelly.
If he couldn't run, Toon decided to at least make it look like he didn't want to. He drew his Master Sword - only a foot or so in length - and pointed it at the canine killer. Atop the burning, blackening Orpheon, Toon's sword glistened angelically like freshly cleaned silverware.
"You're Wolf O'Donnell!" Toon Link accused, puffing up his chest.
"So you've heard of me." Wolf scrutinized the Hylian, his eye making Toon feel naked. "Tell me, who...what are you?"
"The name's Toon Link."
"Link, huh." Wolf scratched his chin in contemplation. Toon could hear the rustling of Wolf's dry fur. "I feel like I've heard the name Link before. I wanna say I heard Ganondorf talk about a Link. Oh well, none of that really matters to me. What does matter to me is how you just helped a fugitive escape the Orpheon."
The Master Sword trembled as Toon shook in place. He fought to keep his hand from tugging at his hair. Deep breaths, Toon told himself. He just had to do what he was best at to get out of this; play dumb.
"Fugitive? I didn't know anything about a fugitive. I just saw you messing with that pod, and I didn't think it was cool of you to take a shot at a guy while he was vulnerable."
"Really. And it just so happened to be the one escape pod carrying the fugitive?"
"Well how would I know that? How would you know that, in fact? They all look the same."
"I saw the clone running towards this escape bay. Would've pinned him right there, but I lost him in the crowd. So I sent out an order out to every Space Pirate in this sector. Why don't you take a look at those other pods?"
Wolf pointed a bristly finger at the metal capsules around the Orpheon. Toon hadn't thought much of it before, but he realized now that Dr. Mario's escape pod was the only pod that was actually moving. All the others remained inactive, drifting only with the force that had ejected them from the escape bay. After a minute, one pod's thrusters flickered to life. Then another. Then a few more. Only now did the other pods begin their trek to Tallon IV.
"My instructions," Wolf continued, "were to leave autopilot off for the first five minutes after leaving the ship. Then turn it on and head to Tallon IV. And the only pod that didn't do that was the pod you just let bail out of here, so the person in that pod is either really bad at following instructions or doesn't have one of the transceivers we all use to communicate. The ones that every Space Pirate is equipped with."
Toon felt his entire body freeze over, buckling to admit his defeat. He let out a deep sigh as he sheathed his sword, looking down at the ground.
"Okay, I do know him," Toon said, "but we're not trying to stop you guys or anything. We just want to leave. That's it. We won't try to find you or anything, so can't you guys just let us go?"
Wolf ran his claws gently through the whiskers on his snout. Seemingly unmoved, he loomed over Toon silently. The occasional growl from Wolf made Toon want to collapse in on himself until he was nothing more than another ember floating above deck.
"Hmm...sure, you can go."
"Wait, what?" Toon snapped his stare back up at Wolf, nearly forgetting how utterly terrified he was.
"You can go after you help us capture Mario's clone."
The fear gripped Toon again, wringing out every last drop of sweat it could. Now he couldn't help but tear at his hair.
"What...what do you mean?"
"Mario's clone is the one the Villainoct is interested in, not you. I didn't even know you existed until just now, so there shouldn't be too much harm in letting you run off. I'll have you send the clone a message to head to a predetermined rendezvous point, my guys will scoop him up, and then you can head on out of here." Wolf brought his hand to his neck in a mock choking motion. "Of course, should you not feel up to it, I could always just break your neck and move on with my day. Take your pick, half pint."
Wolf watched as Toon Link sunk down like slime. The little creature twiddled his thumbs as he opened his mouth to form words, only for silence to trickle out.
"...Okay," Toon finally answered.
"Smart choice. But it'd be a pretty stupid choice to let you hold onto your weapons. Whatever you've got on you, fork it over."
Toon Link threw his sword over to the mercenary, along with a little wooden bow.
"Can I keep the shield?"
Wolf snickered as he led Toon inside. "Sure. Won't do you much good with what I'm packing anyway."
By the time Toon and Wolf stepped back into the Orpheon, the halls had cleared significantly. Underneath the flashing red lights of the siren, only a handful of Space Pirates were left running through the halls of the ship. As one passed by, Wolf stopped him by the shoulder.
"Where are you headed?" Wolf growled.
"The escape pod bay, sir!" the Space Pirate replied.
"Well you're making a quick detour. We need to relay a little message."
"But Commander O'Donnell, the ship's spiraling out of control!"
"bUt CoMmAnDeR o'DoNnElL, tHe ShIp'S sPiRaLiNg OuT oF cOnTrOl-shut your pothole, I'm not blind. Entirely. Now get a move on, we don't have all day. And someone shut off that damn siren!"
With the siren toggled off, the hall was instantly silent. Only the metal clanking of Wolf's boots could be heard; the walls of the Orpheon must've been well insulated to block out the sounds of the rest of the ship exploding to hell and back. As Toon tagged along after Wolf and the pirate, he took the time to absorb the atmosphere outside the window. Tallon IV almost made for a kind of aesthetic backdrop for the burning machinery and flying bodies outside.
"What's on Tallon IV?" Toon asked.
"Why do you need to know?" Wolf snarled.
"If I'm gonna tell the Doc to head somewhere on Tallon, I've gotta sound like I know what I'm talking about."
"..." Wolf gestured to their designated Space Pirate. "Fill him in."
"Tallon IV is a wanderer class planet," the Space Pirate explained, "Recently, we found massive energy readings coming off of the planet, so we set up some research camps on the surface."
"Whaddya find?" Toon prodded.
"Well the signals were coming from a substance called Phazon. Highly radioactive. It's almost a superorganism. Exposure can easily be fatal, but manipulated correctly, it can enhance a living being's physical abilities."
"And where'd you find it? What nooks and crannies?"
"We set up some mines, the Phazon's all over the place down on Tallon. It's a disaster. Especially in that crater down south, but it takes hours to dig around in there."
"You seem to know exactly what to ask for someone who says they don't know what they're talking about," Wolf cut in.
"They're just the first things that came to mind." Toon Link gave Wolf a shrug.
"Well, do you have any other questions, Sherlock?"
"How is the ship burning in space-?"
"That was rhetorical, tiny."
Wolf had led Toon to a radio station. All of the lights above were busted, but the disaster outside the ship was more than sufficient to illuminate the room. Wolf locked the door behind them as they stepped in. The Space Pirate pulled a handheld radio off of a dashboard and began to operate it with his big goofy ass claw hands.
"Where is this message going, Commander?" the Space Pirate asked.
"An escape pod," Wolf replied.
"What's the ID number?"
Wolf gave Toon a little nudge.
"420," Toon answered.
"Oh sick, dude, that's the weed number."
"Here's what you've gotta do, kid," Wolf hissed, "Tell the clone to find Phendrana Drifts, should be due West of the landing zone. The Space Pirates have research labs there, they'll apprehend him. Once that's over with, we'll give you your own escape pod and send you far far away from here."
Wolf shoved the tiny boy over to the Space Pirate, who handed Toon the radio. The canine watched as Toon moved the radio up to his mouth effortlessly, like a well oiled machine.
"Doc? Are you there?" Toon asked into the radio. His face had gone completely blank as he stabbed his friend in the back. Wolf was surprised to see it; not that he hadn't done worse before.
"Toon!?" Dr. Mario's voice sizzled out of the radio in a jumbled mess of static. "What-a happened!? Why aren't you-a in the escape pod!?"
"It's a long story, Doc. Right now, I need to tell you something important. You're gonna land on Tallon IV in a bit, and when you land, you need to go somewhere. Listen closely, Doc."
Toon jumped up onto the dashboard, his face suddenly sparking with determination.
"Don't go west! They're waiting for you there! Go down south, find the crater! And go as deep in there as you can-!"
Wolf swatted Toon off the dashboard, gashing open the Hylian's back with his claws. Laces of blood followed Toon Link as he plopped onto the ground.
"Think you're funny, punk!?" Wolf whipped out his pistol and cracked out a shot of lightning. It tore through the air to swallow up Toon, but from the floor he flipped up his shield to absorb the blast. Wolf shook as he holstered his blaster, his free hand grasping at the air as if tearing apart an unseen victim. Toon, meanwhile, sat up silently as he stared down the mercenary.
"Hah. Right." Wolf smiled through his jittering rage, skulking towards Toon. "Your shield. I wonder what you're gonna do with it when I rip out your throat, slowly and-"
It was then that Toon flung his shield into the air! It cut past Wolf's head and bashed into the locked door, prying it open. Wolf turned his snout to inspect, only to be met halfway by the shield ricocheting off the door and into his temple. Wolf tumbled onto the dashboard. He rubbed his head as Toon Link ran up and ripped his bow off of Wolf's belt. By the time the good for nothing Space Pirate began to spring into action, Toon let an arrow loose into the former's shiny head.
When Toon reached for his sword, though, Wolf snapped to his senses and gripped the Hylian's spherical head. He leapt into the air and slammed Toon into the floor. He and his basketballesque skull dribbled off of the ground and into the air, only to be punted into the door the way every child should be. The force of the blow rippled through Toon's vision in a blur, but he stumbled through it when he realized that his ovoid head had fully thrown open the door. Now free, Toon scurried down the halls like a starving rat after the savory scent of sulguni. Even without turning around, Toon could tell Wolf was hot on his tracks. His boots pounded down the halls, his breathing devolving to that of a ravenous predator.
Toon burst back out onto the deck of the Orpheon. With Wolf's claws not a second behind, Toon kept on sprinting through the smoking mess of a ship. In his mad dash, Toon tripped over the hookshot he'd left behind. He fell face first into the wreckage of Wolf's ship, and the mercenary leapt in for the kill. In his final defense, Toon grabbed some debris and flung it at his attacker.
*Bang!*
The garbage Toon had thrown blew up on contact, knocking Wolf a few feet back. Impressed, Toon inspected the scrap pile he'd grabbed from. It was filled with red metal devices, shaped like diamond gems and labeled "Smart Bomb." Toon scooped up as many as he could and stuffed them into his hat, before pulling his hookshot off of the ground and bolting over to the hatch to the escape pod bay.
Upon skittering down into the escape pod bay, Toon searched for a way out of his mess. He quickly settled on the pod that was out of order, and began wedging open the door with his shield. His efforts were met with two Space Pirates crammed inside the pod.
"Who are you!?" asked one of the Space Pirates, red in color, as he aimed his arm gun at Toon.
"Who are you!?" Toon asked back.
"Who are youuuuuuuuuu!?" asked the other Pirate, this one purple.
"I just asked him that," said Red.
"No, I just asked him that. You asked him beforehand."
"Why are you guys just sitting around in here while the Orpheon's exploding?" Toon asked the Pirates.
"Well you see we-wait what the fuck, the ship's exploding!?" Red replied.
"You didn't know that?"
"Uh...of course we did! As a matter of fact, we're, uh, we're currently doing maintenance on this escape pod. It was damaged by the destruction of the Orpheon. It needs fixing."
"Maintenance. Right, well where are your tools, then? To do the fixing."
Sure enough, the Space Pirates had nothing in the pod with them other than an opened bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips.
"Not all healing is physical, kid," Purple answered, "Sometimes, you do the fixing from the inside out. At least that's what the on board therapist said before he got all of his internal organs liquified by a giant enemy spider on Alinos."
Just then, the latch on the roof of the hall swung open. Toon squirmed his way into the escape pod and shut the door behind him.
"Who's that on the roof?" Red whispered.
"Wolf O'Donnell!" Toon whispered back as he creeped his hand over to the bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips, "He's after me because I helped my friend Doc Mario get off of this thing!"
"Mario?" Purple whispered, "As in the clone of Mario-?"
"Shut up!" Red elbowed his friend in the ribs.
"You guys know Doc?" Toon asked over the crinkling of the bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips, "And why are you whispering too?"
"Well," Purple said, "it might be kinda sorta almost our fault that the subject broke out."
"Our fault?" Red grumbled.
"Well you didn't stop me!"
"So you guys were in charge of his simulation?" Toon gasped with realization as he shoveled his face with LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips. "And you're hiding here because you know Ridley's gonna kick your ass when he finds out!"
"No one's hiding here!" Red defended, "We're just, um...letting the situation cool down for a bit. The ship's blowing up, Wolf's pissed, why add our little blunder on top of that?"
The clang of Wolf's metal boots interrupted their back and forth, drawing closer and closer.
"You two!" Toon demanded, "Get this pod working now!"
"Why should we!?" Red and Purple replied simultaneously.
"If Wolf captures me, I'm gonna tell on you."
"You wouldn't!" Red said.
"He totally would!" Purple began to shake in his seat. "Look at him! Look at him staring at us with them big ol' eyes!"
"Fine, fine!" Red slammed some buttons in the pod, knocking it out of the Orpheon and sending it on it's way to Tallon IV. No sooner had they left the Orpheon, though, then had Wolf ripped back on deck and began firing volleys at the pod. Being riddled with Wolf's violet blaster shots, the pod began to crumble as it hovered through the air.
"We're not gonna make it to Tallon! I'm switching to manual!" Red gripped a lever, making the pod dive to the Orpheon's underside. They hovered under there for a while, hiding behind the safety of the frigate.
"Well what now?" Purple said, "We can't get to Tallon IV without leaving the Orpheon."
"But if we do, we'll get shot out of the air!"
"Is there anything else we can take to Tallon?" Toon Link twirled his hair around between his fingers as he thought out loud.
"All of the transport vessels would have left by now. The escape pods are the only ships left on the ship." Purple rubbed his forehead, hurting his brain with his own grammar. "Er...ship left on the frigate, I mean. Not including the Orpheon as a ship."
Toon dropped his hair, grinning at his own genius. "Wait! What if we do include it!"
"Huh?"
"Let's fly the Orpheon to Tallon!"
"I don't think the Orpheon will make it that far," Red warned, gesturing to the escape pod window, "It looks like it's lost a good 30% of its mass. We'd be lucky to make it to the cockpit from here before the frigate loses all structural integrity."
"Can't hurt to try the only option we've got!"
"Dude," Purple said as he grabbed the wheel, "I've got no idea who you are, but you're an absolute madlad. Let's fucking go!"
The escape pod looped around the Orpheon, thrusting full speed toward the Orpheon's central tower. The hull of the pod clackered as it curled off the sides, but they kept on pushing through. With a crash, they shattered the window! The pod vaporized upon contact with the floor. Toon, Red, and Purple were flung across the room. Toon had to peel himself off of the wall, the blood from his back wound sticking him in place.
"Wolf will be here soon," Toon winced as he rubbed his back, "You guys set the frigate on a course to Tallon IV. I'll distract him, buy you some time."
Toon began to hobble over to the door when Red placed his claw hand on Toon's shoulder.
"You've been through enough, kid. We'll handle Wolf. You pilot the ship."
"Do you mean it?"
"Of course!" Purple chimed in, "It'll be easy. Use the override code 13376399, and just watch the structural integrity of the Orpheon."
Toon smiled. "You know, for a couple of no good Space Pirates, you guys aren't half bad."
"Catch you on the flipside, you Goddamn legend," Red said.
"And don't mess it up!" Purple waved Toon goodbye as he and Red stepped out of the cockpit. They could feel the warmth of their new bond radiating off of Toon as the doors shut behind them. Purple turned to his coworker.
"...So we're leaving, right?"
"Absolutely we're leaving, are you crazy?" Red replied, "I'm not fighting Wolf O'Donnell."
"Cool, just checking. Wanna hang out in the breakroom until that little dipshit lands this thing?"
"Sure." And then Red and Purple bailed.
After getting access to the controls, Toon operated the Orpheon to the best of his ability, which basically amounted to slapping the keyboard a bunch. It looked like this was actually working until Toon's train of thought was cut short by a crunch. A crinkly crunch. Toon whipped around and readied his shield, just in time for it to take a blow from Wolf's blaster. The mercenary was standing in the doorway, having unknowingly given away his presence by stepping on the bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips.
"Should've let me ambush you," Wolf snarled, "Would've made this quicker." Wolf pounced at Toon, his claws shining as they tore through the air. Without any hesitation, Toon turned back around and gave the keyboard one final slap.
"I'm not the one out of time!"
With that last slap, the Orpheon screamed as it pushed itself towards Tallon IV. Every crack and fracture on the Orpheon spilled with fire, but the Orpheon still managed to kick itself into high gear. Wolf was thrown against the back wall by the sheer speed of the Orpheon. Toon held onto the keyboard to stabilize himself.
Wolf dug his boots into the floor of the cockpit, jagged serrations on his toes anchoring him down. As he marched up to the Hylian, he scratched his claws against the floor to taunt his prey. Toon couldn't help but shiver. Digging back into his hat, Toon chucked a smart bomb to deter his attacker. Wolf merely held up his arm to block, and with a flash of purple light, the bomb reflected off of him unscathed. In fact, it seemed to fly back at Toon even faster than Toon'd thrown it to start! Toon could barely put up his shield in time, and even then, the force of the smart bomb sent him flying out the open window. Toon grabbed onto the edge of the window, slicing his fingers on the broken glass. Wolf began operating the Orpheon's controls from the keyboard.
"Can't let you get away that easily," he said with a grin. Toon tried to pull himself back in, but the blood from his fingers made him start to slip. Instead, Toon pulled out his hookshot with his free hand and fired it at Wolf. Without looking, Wolf held up his arm again, but the hookshot still managed to latch on. Toon let go of the window, plummeting from the cockpit and pulling Wolf out with him. With a few heavy thuds, the two landed in a ring of fire on the lower deck of the ship.
The metal plating on the ship was starting to glow red with heat, burning Toon's skin. The Hylian jumped to his feet and braced himself with his shield. His attacker, however, was nowhere to be found. But Toon was privy to Wolf's tricks this time. He whipped his shield to the left, just in time to stave off Wolf's talons. It took every muscle in Toon's body just to keep his shield propped up against the canine. And yet with an effort no stronger than scratching one's underarm, Wolf pushed Toon's shield out of the way. Wolf grabbed Toon by his bobblehead neck, flung him into the air, and tore some flesh out of Toon's gaping back wound. Toon squirmed as pain jolted through his body. He covered his back with his shield, but it didn't do much as Wolf shotgunned his boot into the little elf boy.
Toon's vision was getting blurry. He could feel the life seeping out of him, the very essence of his being bleeding out of his spine. The last thing he saw before his eyes fell shut was...the surface of Tallon IV! As he flew into the air, Toon could see the rusty red deserts of Tallon peeking out from behind the pillars of fire. The Orpheon had made it into the planet's atmosphere, encroaching its surface. If Toon was this close to escaping, what reason did Toon have to make this space travelling iron maiden his tomb? When his body couldn't find an answer, Toon drew his bow and fired an arrow down at Wolf. Wolf merely swatted it away with his reflector, but Toon was quick to follow up with an elbow drop to Wolf's wrist. Toon unceremoniously flopped onto the searing deck of the Orpheon - though he did make Wolf stumble back a bit. Toon sprung up once again, firing two more arrows at Wolf. Even halfway towards falling on his backside, Wolf managed to effortlessly swipe them away. Toon stepped back, considering his options. The blood dripping down his legs began to sizzle as he got closer to the ring of fire. With the heat literally on, Toon-
Actually, Wolf was definitely worse than the fire. Teeth clenched, Toon rolled into the inferno behind him. He screamed, feeling the heat piercing him down to his bones. And yet Toon kept on running, sidestepping through the flames as he emptied his quiver into the fire arena. Wolf, meanwhile, blocked the first arrow, coming at him head on. The next four, however, popped out of the smoke veil left and right. Wolf could only block one more, while the rest speared him right through his leather hide.
Toon burst out the other side of the fire. His skin was red, getting a waxy look. He had to tuck away his bow and manually peel open his eyelids. Even then, he could barely see a thing behind the cascade of tears he was making. When his vision returned to him, however, his eyes bugged at his discovery.
"A hangar bay!"
Behind the door in front of him was a massive garage. A sleek purple spacecraft was sitting inside of it. Toon hadn't seen anything like it on the Orpheon before, and had no idea how it moved - it had no wheels to speak of, yet its wings looked too small to lift it anywhere. No matter how it moved, though, Toon was sure that it did move. Toon ran into the hangar and yanked a large red lever. A red siren flared the room as the floor of the hangar began to open up, like the maw of a world eating serpent descending onto Tallon IV. Gears in the ship crunched and clicked in pain until the hangar deck came to a halt. Curiously, the siren in the hangar didn't relent. All questions aside, Toon hopped into his bumped up little spaceship and pulled switches until it flickered to life. Blue fire roared out of the wings of the ship, yet it didn't even budge off of the ground. An automated voice hummed over the hangar siren.
"ALL SPACECRAFT WILL BE MAGNETICALLY PINNED TO THE DECK UNTIL THE BAY DOOR IS FULLY DISENGAGED. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXIT THE HANGAR UNTIL THE MAGNETIC LOCK IS LIFTED."
What? The door was opened, what was this now about "disengaging"? Toon hopped out of his ship and scuttled down to the edge of the bay to investigate. Only when he made it to the hangar's fringe was he met with a blood curdling sight - Wolf climbing inside right in front of him.
All things considered, Wolf looked relatively stable. He even pulled off a smile as he ripped an arrow out of his abdomen; a smile that made Toon cower under its weight.
"Direct access over the Orpheon - even over something as trivial as jamming the hangar bay door - certainly has its perks. Another bonus to my little club membership." Wolf snickered as he prowled towards the Hylian. "I don't know how many times I need to tell you this, kid, but the more you run, the longer this gets dragged out and the more it hurts. Just make this easy on yourself."
Toon could feel Wolf's sinister taunts wringing out his windpipe. His face turned blue as he looked around the hangar for a way out, but it was just him and Wolf now. He could've ran out the entrance and kept on running around the Orpheon until his feet fell off. But his eyes were pulled towards the lever that controlled the bay door. It would take just one more pull to open that door all the way and free Toon from his lifelong nightmare. He willed his lungs to take one more breath as he turned to face his attacker. His eyes glowing a bright yellow, Toon gave Wolf a final glare of defiance.
And then Toon took off. As quickly as his wittle baby feet would go, he bolted towards the hangar bay lever. Wolf charged after him.
"You're fast, kid, I'll give you that," Wolf said as he gained on Toon, "But those wounds are slowing you down. I can smell it-!"
Just then, Wolf nearly toppled onto the ground. As he caught his balance, he shot a passing glance at what he'd nearly tripped over. The mere sight of it nearly tripped him a second time. It was a smart bomb! One Toon had dropped behind him as he ran!
"The hell!?" Wolf threw up his arm, but it was too late. The explosion from the smart bomb seared his fur, knocking him across the hangar. Toon was blown in the opposite direction, his carcass somewhat protected by the shield on his back. Wolf wiped the cinders off of his muzzle and leapt back to his feet, only to see Toon Link lying next to the open hangar bay door. Toon grinned at Wolf as he flashed the mercenary a peace sign before rolling out the door. Wolf sprinted to the door and drew his blaster. But Toon was nowhere to be seen on Tallon's surface.
"Where is he? He just rolled out, how far could he have gotten?"
Wolf scanned the rusty red planet below, where a leaf green elf should stick out like a bad rash. And yet Toon had seemingly vanished. Wolf froze, failing to comprehend his blunder. His loss of thought was only momentary - it wasn't long before he flung himself off the frigate and rolled down onto Tallon, beginning his hunt.
Little did Wolf know that his little friend was still on the Orpheon. Technically speaking, anyway. Toon watched Wolf descend onto Tallon as he dangled from the Orpheon's underside. When Toon rolled out, he had fired his hookshot at the Orpheon and had been hanging there like a spider from its web. As the Orpheon grew closer and closer to Tallon IV, Toon released the Hookshot and allowed himself to flounder onto the planet's surface with a splatter of blood.
For a while, Toon couldn't even find the strength to lift his head up so as to watch the Orpheon shatter into pieces. Even still, the clamor of engines burning and steel snapping now dominating a portion of Tallon's atmosphere made the frigate's fate crystal clear. A few minutes had passed before Toon could roll over and investigate the damages. His tunic was torn open, as were multiple areas on his skin. His arms were bloody, and if he'd had any pain left to feel, he would've felt it all concentrated in his probably broken ribs. He saw his wounds clearly, and yet he couldn't begin to process them. He just laid his head back and felt his being melt into the ground. The starry sky above him blurred into a miasma of colors and sensations and...whatevers. Toon couldn't put words to anything anymore. He felt a certain emptiness. A missingness. The lack of whatever it is that pulls you off of your bed in the morning. Is this what it meant to "die"? How could Toon possibly die when he'd yet to figure out what it meant to live? Toon couldn't be bothered to find the answer. Perhaps that was the life Toon was missing right now. The drive to find answers, the ability to think. Toon's brain lingered on this idea as the stars above him flickered out, and everything went black.
It was in both a lifetime and an instant that Toon recognized a new sensation. What exactly was this new feeling, he wondered. A touch? A sound? It was definitely a sound, this quiet humming in the back of his head. Why was it that this sound was so familiar to him? He'd thought about it so much, he didn't even notice his vision return to him. He was propped against a big moist rock. Craning his head down, Toon saw his arms and legs, covered in blisters and wrapped up in gauze. The gauze was entirely red, but he felt like it was supposed to be white.
"Toon!"
Toon suddenly recognized the humming as words, a voice. Toon turned and saw Dr. Mario standing over him, dripping with sweat.
"Hey, Doc," Toon murmured through his daze, "What are you doing here?"
"This is-a where you told me to go, Toon. To that-a crater down south."
Sure enough, Toon looked to his left and saw a massive pit in the crust of the planet. A stone temple decorated with bird heads poked out of the center of the crater.
"Well what am I doing here?"
"I saw the Orpheon-a crash an hour ago. I ran over to the crash site, and-a found you lying there like this, so I brought you here."
"Hmm. The Orpheon." Toon licked his plasticy lips as he regained some more of his cognisance. He sat up, rubbing his head. "You wouldn't believe all the shit that happened on the Orpheon when you bailed."
"You know, we were-a supposed to bail together. Why did you step out of the escape pod?"
"I wanted to say my goodbyes. Because I was a dud, the Space Pirates never bothered to give me Link's memories. To you, the Orpheon's just some ship, but for me, it's the only thing I've ever known."
"Well you should've-a told me you left the pod!"
"I did!"
"...You did?"
"Yeah!"
Dr. Mario rubbed his ears as he looked away from his friend. "I'm-a sorry, Toon. I couldn't hear you over this-a ringing in my ears."
"Still, dude? That explosion in the reactor core was so long ago. How aren't your ears better by now?"
Dr. Mario thought about this for a moment. Wiping off some of the sweat on his brow, the doctor retrieved Monita from his coat.
"Monita, can you-a check some symptoms for me?"
"AFFIRMATIVE. PLEASE LIST YOUR SPECIES, SEX, AND AGE."
"Human, male, and-a 25."
"LIST YOUR CURRENT SYMPTOMS."
"Hmm...ear ringing...anxiety...lots of-a sweat."
"LIST ANY MEDICATION YOU HAVE USED OR ARE CURRENTLY USING."
"None."
"ANALYZING SYMPTOMS...MODERATELY PROBABLE MATCH FOUND: COCAINE ABUSE."
"That doesn't sound right." Toon Link rubbed his chin as he thought about the results, peeling some skin off as he rubbed. "I don't recall you ever using anything like that." Just then, Toon snapped his fingers "Wait! You did use something! That bupivacaine we shot into your ankle!"
"That's-a right! Monita, add bupivacaine to my medical history and search again."
"ANALYZING SYMPTOMS...HIGHLY PROBABLE MATCH FOUND: CARDIOTOXICITY."
"I feel like she said that word earlier," Toon said. "Monita, explain that!"
"CARDIOTOXICITY IS A CONDITION WHERE THERE IS DAMAGE TO THE HEART MUSCLE. BUPIVACAINE IS MARKEDLY CARDIOTOXIC, AND INCORRECT ADMINISTRATION CAN LEAD TO ADVERSE EFFECTS WITHIN THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM, SUCH AS ANXIETY AND TINNITUS."
"So that's what it is! At least we know this is as bad as it gets."
"CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM EFFECTS SHOULD BE CLOSELY MONITORED, AS PATIENTS EXPERIENCING CARDIOTOXICITY ARE AT RISK OF A SEIZURE OR COMA."
"...Well...at least we know this isn't as bad as it gets, and that we should feel lucky."
Dr. Mario dropped onto the ground, cradling his head in his hands. "This is-a horrible! What am I going to do!?"
"Hey, hey, don't panic, buddy! I'm here for you, we'll take care of this. Look, I've been losing blood like a pig for an hour, and you could drop into a permanap any second now. Clearly we're not doing too hot, so let's just find somewhere to patch ourselves up. There's a bunch of Space Pirates on this planet, they've got to have somewhere to fix their weird disgusting bug bodies. Does that sound okay, bud?"
Toon Link put a flaky hand on the doctor's shoulder. Dr. Mario took a deep breath as he rubbed his sweaty temples.
"Alright. That-a sounds like our best bet." Dr. Mario rose up and looked around the crater. "The question is where do we-a go now?"
Lord Ganondorf's castle overlooked a rocky wasteland, devoid of any signs of life. The bleaky black castle itself hovered over a portal into oblivion. Metal was wrapped around the castle like a cage, and spires shot out from its base into the sky. And atop the highest tower, a dragon had perched himself, concealed behind clouds that reeked of brimstone. His eyes radiated a traffic cone type of orange, as did the cellophane wings that wrapped around his body. His dull metal arm creaked as he pressed a button on the side of his head.
"O'Donnell," the dragon hissed, an electric noise buzzing behind his words, "is the Orpheon still inoperable?"
"That's putting it generously, Ridley," Wolf replied through the dragon's transceiver. "It crashed on Tallon IV. You'd be lucky to salvage a working door out of that scrap heap."
Ridley growled, his feet ripping out stones from the spire beneath him. "That frigate was one of the most valuable units in my entire fleet. Any news on the clone?"
"He escaped to the planet's surface before the crash. The more I'm pursuing him, the more I'm thinking your hypothesis was right."
"You think it really was that clone that crashed my ship?"
"Mhm. I ran into a friend the clone made, who called him 'Doc'. A doctor sounds like a good candidate for the one who threw that pill into the reactor, no?"
"I knew it." Ridley's metal jaw fumed with smoke. "I knew I shouldn't have let these idiots turn my ship into a playground for their lab experiments. And what's this about a friend, O'Donnell?"
"Mario's clone got cozy with another clone. Some short fry in green, called himself...Lee...Lin?...uh-"
"Link?"
"Link, that's it! Think he called himself Cartoon Link, actually-"
"The Link defect was supposed to be jettisoned out of the trash chute hours ago!"
"Yeah, well if there's anything I've learned about the kid, he can be pretty persistent."
"Well what did you do with the defect?"
"I let him leave."
"You let him leave!?"
"Okay, I get how that sounds, but hear me out. I tried to get the little twerp to lead Mario's clone to one of your bases, but he wouldn't work with me. I could've killed him right then and there, but I figured if he wouldn't bring the clone to us, we could just have him bring us to the clone. I slapped a tracker on the back of his head in the radio station, put up a bit of a fight so he wouldn't get suspicious, and then let him jump off the ship. His signal's currently moving, hopefully he's trailing his pal."
"Alright. I'll tell my bases to be on the lookout. Ridley out." Ridley turned off his transceiver, though it did nothing to turn off his rage. "Dimentio, that slime. First he needs me to drop everything I'm doing and look after a culture like I'm his biology teacher, then he has me clone that slovenly human, and now my frigate's been destroyed because of him! The next time I see that vacuous cretin, I'll bite off his salaciously incredulent grin!"
"Calm yourself, Ridley, before you run through the entire dictionary!"
Ridley snapped his head around to see Dimentio floating behind him, flashing his trademark smile. Ridley wretched at the sight.
"Choose your words carefully, Dimentio. If Ganondorf didn't place such unwarranted prestige on you, I'd kill you where you stand."
Dimentio jingled as he gyrated with laughter. "Ah ha ha! What's with this hostility, Ridley? I know we're not the best of friends, but I was hoping our cooperation on our experiments could allow us to grow closer."
"Our 'cooperation' blew up my frigate!"
Dimentio's jingling went dead silent.
"...Blew up? You mean the Orpheon is-"
"Gone. Crashed. Blown to hell and back. All because of that clone you insisted was so important."
"Where did the Orpheon crash?"
"What's it matter to you?"
"I just want to know."
"Well for your information, the Orpheon crashed on Tallon IV. It's in the FS-176 solar system, I have research bases on its surface studying-"
Before Ridley could finish, Dimentio vanished without a word - much to Ridley's delight. The dragon didn't refrain from one last snarl, however.
"Hopefully they'll all fall into the impact crater, so that thing nesting down there can take care of them."