Before the little chapter 9 incident, the breakroom in the Orpheon looked pretty standard. Stale white walls, dull rectangular lights, a lukewarm water cooler and a rickety refrigerator. It wasn't much, but it was home. Upon entering the breakroom, Red stepped into the bathroom while Purple perused through the fridge.
"Ooh, come to daddy!" Purple said, pulling out a rumpled little sandwich bag. He plopped down at a table and ripped open the bag. To his delight, the most delectably golden brown sandwich awaited him inside. The bread was toasted to perfection, russian dressing dripped out of the sides, and the whole affair had a savory aroma that wafted up to Purple's Zebesian olfactory receptors. Without hesitation, he dug right in. Red, meanwhile, stepped out of the bathroom and opened the fridge.
"Ugh, really?" Red said to himself, "This is just childish."
"What's up?" Purple asked.
"Someone took my sandwich out of the fridge! I even wrote my identification code on the baggy."
"Man, that's tragic." Purple crumpled up his sandwich bag and pushed it towards the edge of the table. "Hey, wanna throw this out for me? You're closer to the bin."
"Sure." As Red reached over and picked up the bag, he noticed the sandwich Purple was stuffing in his face. "...What type of sandwich is that?"
"Hmm? Oh, uh…" Purple picked apart what was left of the sandwich. "Grilled turkey. Mmm. Is that sauerkraut? Guess it's a reuben."
"A grilled turkey reuben? My sandwich was a grilled turkey reuben."
Purple froze. "...Uh...what's your point?"
"Are you eating my sandwich?"
"Just because I'm eating a grilled turkey reuben doesn't mean that it's your grilled turkey reuben."
Red uncrumpled the paper bag and examined it. "This has my ID code on it!"
"No it doesn't."
Red showed Purple the number markered onto the bag, and then gestured to the code printed onto his claw. They matched.
"What?" Purple tried to feign a confused look at his own ID code as he shoved the rest of the reuben into his mouth. "Oh no way! I thought that was my ID code! Man, some poor guy must have a lot of my fucked up paperwork on his hands."
Red simply grumbled as he filled a plastic cup with some water and sat down with Purple. The two waited there in silence for a while. Purple stared out the window, watching as Tallon IV grew closer and closer.
"Hey, uh...that short guy, he said he was gonna land the Orpheon, right?" Purple asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"Did he say he was gonna land land it?"
"How many ways can you land a ship?"
"Well, I'm just wondering whether he's going to actually land the Orpheon on the ground and let us get off, or just jump off when it gets close enough and not tell us."
"He very clearly said he was going to land the ship."
"I'm just saying, we're coming in real hot on Tallon right now."
Red stood up from the table. "Would it make you feel better if we went back and asked him ourselves?"
"Yes, actually, it would."
And so Red and Purple made their way back up to the cockpit to check in on Toon, only to find that Toon wasn't there.
"Ruh roh," Purple said, as the Orpheon exploded into the ground. The final thread of stability the Orpheon had been clinging to snapped, and the ship screeched as it burst into a hurricane of steel. Molten metal splattered across the dusty surface of Tallon IV, only to harden again in the form of crooked spikes sticking out of the ground. Smoke covered the sky, glass danced through the air, and Space Pirate bodies went flying like confetti. Truly, the Orpheon had been obliterated.
Red pushed himself back up to his feet, hacking on the smog exuding from the bodies of his comrades. He looked around. If he was still in the cockpit, it didn't look like a cockpit anymore. The floor was jagged, torn open and still glowing with the heat of the impact. Wind roared by, whirling through the flames of the Orpheon, but a voice managed to claw its way to the surface.
"Help! Help me!"
It was Purple's voice! Red scuttled through the wreckage of the Orpheon, following Purple's cries. Red found his coworker in a rift in the floor. Purple was hanging onto the ledge, his glossy bug body swaying over an array of shrapnel and spikes. The metal ledge Purple was gripping was beginning to warp under the heat, seeping out from the grip of his pincer.
"Oh, thank goodness!" Purple said, "Quick, help me up!"
"Yeah, yeah, I got you, pal." Red bent over and reached out to Purple. He barely even skimmed Purple's claw, however, before pulling back. "Oh gee, I don't know if I can do it, actually."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I'm just feeling so famished since I didn't get to eat my lunch today."
"Oh are you fucking kidding me!?"
"It's no joke, my friend. My blood pressure is feeling lower than that pit you're hanging over."
"I will buy you another fucking sandwich, just pull me up!"
"You will buy me two sandwiches!"
"That is really pushing it!"
The ledge Purple was grasping creaked and moaned, dropping the Space Pirate a few inches as it began to separate.
"Alright, fine!" Purple cried, "Just help me!"
Red grabbed Purple's claw and yanked him up onto the floor. The two laid sprawled there on the searing coal bed that was the floor, the weight of the situation rattling through their exoskeletons. Darkness was cast over them by a section of the ship that'd been ripped off and flipped sideways, now pointing up into the sky.
"For the record," Purple sighed, "I'm not buying you shit."
"You better be dead the next time I look at you." Red rolled over, his back to his coworker as he mulled on what'd happened. Oh man, what'd happened? Just a few hours ago, today was a typical work day on the Orpheon. Maybe it was a little frustrating to be assigned to work with an idiot who didn't know how to walk and chew gum, but nothing more. Now the Orpheon was gone, the clone had escaped, and Red was stranded in space. What would Ridley say? He probably wouldn't say much of anything. Not before ripping Red in half and slurping out his inside juices. Oh, what a day.
None of this was helped by Purple giving Red a nice poke to the shoulder. Red rolled over, raising his meaty arm to retaliate.
"Alright, that's it, dickhead!" Red exclaimed.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Purple said, raising his arms in defence, "I didn't even do anything that time!"
"Yeah you did! You just-"
Just then, a little piece of scrap metal fell from the sky, landing on Red's shoulder and producing the same pokey feeling.
"...poked me?" Red trailed off.
"No I didn't!" Another piece of scrap fell down. Purple, as he was staring directly at his coworker, felt the scrap come down and strike him on his back. "Hey, now you just poked me!"
"You are actually more stupid than dirt."
As the scrap continued to come down, Red and Purple turned their heads up to the source of the rainfall. The scrap was popping out from behind the metal pike shooting up into the air. Red and Purple made their way around the pike, climbing over some rubble and fallen Space Pirates. They both recognized the room they ended up in as the remains of a biotech research area - the milky slime that once filled the cloning tanks coated their feet as they walked in. A mound of broken glass and wires sat in the center of the room, spouting scrap metal over the pike, but it didn't do so on its own accord. Dimentio of the Villainoct fluttered around the scrap pile, digging through it while mumbling to himself.
"Hey, wait!" Purple whispered, stopping dead in his tracks, "Isn't that one of those guys Ridley works with?"
"I think it is," Red replied, "Dimentio, I think his name is."
Red and Purple sidestepped behind the most intact tanker in the room. Squishing both of their lanky bodies behind the tanker, they observed Dimentio in his search.
"Where!? Where is she!? Where could she be!?" Dimentio's voice, for once, was shaky and violent, his whole papery body jittering as he murmured to himself. "Please be okay, Mother! Everything relies on you!" Throughout the whole affair, Dimentio's transceiver was beeping wildly to no avail.
"Mother?" Red said, peeking from behind the tanker, "Can a paper doll even have a mother? What is he talking about?"
"Maybe it's metaphorical," Purple said, peeking from behind Red, "like something I learned about in literature class."
"Or maybe he's just crazy," Dimentio said, peeking from behind Purple.
"Probably," Red and Purple replied. They then jumped, whipping around to see the jester floating behind them. He bounced around with his normal gleeful disposition.
"D-D-Dimentio!" Red stammered, his spindly legs shaking.
"Y-y-yes! Hahahaha!" Dimentio did a little bow, still jittering with laughter. "And who might you be?"
"Orpheon Class 5 authority, identification code c2174c, sir!"
"Orpheon Class 5 authority, identification code...uh…" Purple glanced down at the black code on his claw. "994094, sir."
"It's a pleasure to meet the both of you." Dimentio floated back to the garbage pile in the center of the room. "Don't mind me, gentlemen. I left something behind on the Orpheon before the accident, and I'm simply here to retrieve it. Feel free to drift on your way, like a leaf blown aside by an autumn breeze."
As Dimentio returned to his work, Red and Purple began to whisper to each other in a huddle.
"You're thinking what I'm thinking, right?" Red said.
"No, but your idea probably makes more sense than mine," Purple replied, "Go on."
"If we help this guy find whatever he's looking for, maybe Ridley will overlook how we let Mario's clone escape!"
"Ooh, good idea! How do we do it?"
"Subtlety. We have to approach him naturally. Otherwise, he'll know something's up. We're gonna walk up to him right now, and you'll get him talking to us with that colossal yap of yours. I'll take over whenever we get to any actual persuasion; just follow my lead and try not to say too much."
"Don't worry, I got this under control."
Red and Purple sauntered up to Dimentio, their master plan in play.
"Hey, Dimentio," Purple began, "did you want some help finding whatever it is you're looking for?"
"Why do you ask?" Dimentio said.
"So that Ridley will overlook how we let the Mario clone escape."
"Oh fuck me." Red dropped to his knees, his exoskeleton rattling in fatigue.
Dimentio zipped out into the hallway, returning a moment later with two Zebesian corpses in tow. One was red, and the other was purple. The jester dropped the bodies onto the floor, and with a snap of his fingers, the arms of the corpses began to glow. Red and Purple's arms lit up too, almost blindingly. The flash lasted only an instant, and when it was over, the codes on their arms were now different. They looked at the codes on the arms of the bodies; sure enough, the corpses now wore Red and Purple's old codes.
"There!" Dimentio said, "Now Ridley will think you two died in the crash. He'll have his revenge, and you'll get off scot free."
Red and Purple jumped up for joy, holding each other as they teared up in relief. Even amongst the smoldering wreckage of the Orpheon, a wave of warmth rolled over them. They were finally free.
"Thanks, Dimentio!" Purple cheered, "You're the best!"
"It was my pleasure, gentlemen! Now then, you said you'd help me find my missing treasure, right?"
"Of course!" Red replied, "We'll do anything for you!"
"Excellent! Now then, what I'm looking for is in a petri dish. It's a culture Ridley was doing me the favor of maintaining before the frigate went down. I would be fine looking for it myself, but I'm being summoned to a Villainoct meeting." Dimentio gestured to the transceiver on the side of his mask, still beeping away.
"Not to intrude, sir, but if the culture is important for a plan of yours, surely they'll be okay with you skipping a meeting to look for it, no?"
"Eh, I haven't exactly told the Villainoct too much about this culture."
"Oh," Purple said, "so it's a secret?"
"No no no no no! No, I, uh...I wouldn't call it a secret so much as a...a surprise!"
"A surprise?" Red asked.
"Yes, yes! Like a birthday cake!"
"I love birthday cake!" Purple exclaimed, "I wish I had a birthday, instead of a laboratory synthesis day."
"You can count on us, sir," Red affirmed, "to find that culture! No matter how long it takes."
"That's the spirit, boys!" Dimentio waved his hands in the air, drawing a box around himself as he prepared to teleport. "But don't take too long, now, or the culture might die off. I'll be heading out now, so-"
"Wait, wait, Dimentio!" Purple asked, "What should we do if the culture does die?"
"Oh, if it dies, I'll murder you both and stretch your innards like taffy. Ciao!"
On that note, Dimentio blinked out of the air, leaving Red and Purple dumbfounded. They slowly turned to look at each other, silent for a while.
"You know," Purple said to his comrade, "for a second there, I almost thought we were gonna catch a break."
The Space Pirates were an unsettling bunch. They marched without error, their steps unfaltering and their gaze empty. It hardly seemed as though they knew were they were going, as if strings were pulling them to destinations untold. Were they even alive? Dr. Mario had only heard two of them speak before, and they seemed like more of an exception than the status quo. The Pirates on Tallon IV looked different from those two anyway, with snarling jaws and raptor-like feet. But for all their differences, Tallon's Pirates and the Orpheon's marched all the same; mindlessly.
Dr. Mario and Toon Link had been trailing a group of the Space Pirates for at least half an hour now - more specifically, with the mummified Toon Link wrapped up in the doctor's arms. This particular troop of Pirates was covered in wounds and abscesses, sputtering glow stick yellow blood across the sandy plains below. Surely, they were headed for some sort of medical facility to patch themselves up. Or maybe they were heading towards a landfill to dump themselves in and die. By now, though, Dr. Mario figured he could get some use out of that as well. Dr. Mario rolled behind a rock for cover, laying Toon onto the ground as he panted for air.
"What are you doing, Doc?" Toon asked, "We're gonna lose them!"
"Hey...phew...give me a minute," Dr. Mario replied between gasps, "I've-a been...carrying you for a while...Upper body strength isn't-a...my specialty."
"Then I'll just walk on my own! Come on, let's get ourselves in gear!" Toon's bandages crinkled as he rose to his feet.
"Toon, you can't-a walk in your current condition."
"Yes I can!" Toon raised a foot to begin running after the Pirates. As he bent his knee, the sound of several bones fracturing came from his leg. "Maybe I can't."
Dr. Mario snickered at his goofy little companion. Just then, their antics were interrupted by the shrieking cry of an engine cut through the air. Dr. Mario and Toon peeked out from behind their rock, but wisps of sand blinded them. The dust was being thrown about by a Space Pirate vessel descending to the ground. It was sleek and green, shaped much like a horseshoe crab with an undulating titanium tail. After rubbing their eyes, Dr. Mario and Toon watched the wounded Space Pirates board the vessel.
"Oh, great," Dr. Mario said, "how are we supposed to-a follow them now? We'll-a never be able to keep up with that ship!"
"Not necessarily!" Toon grabbed his hookshot and prepared to fire it at the ship. As he aimed the hookshot, however, he felt something snap in his wrist. Along with it came a searing bolt of pain. He cried out in pain, dropping the hookshot.
"Are-a you alright?" Dr. Mario asked.
"Yeah, yeah," Toon replied through gritted teeth, "but, uh, I don't think I can use that thing right now. You'll have to do it."
"What!? Me!?"
"Don't sweat it, man. Just aim it where you want the hook to go and squeeze the handle. You'll be fine."
Reluctantly, Dr. Mario picked the hookshot up off the ground and pointed it at the vessel. With his free hand, he grabbed Toon by his stubby little arm. The doctor tried to keep the hookshot steady, but the vessel itself swayed as it began to hover into the air.
"Where should I-a shoot it?" Dr. Mario asked.
"Try to get it onto the underside of the green part. It looks like the most stable part of the ship."
Dr. Mario aimed the hookshot and let it loose. The hook struck the very tip of the vessel's tail, still whipping around wildly.
"Or just hook it onto the fucking tail, I guess," Toon shrugged, "That works too, right?"
"Che cazzo! How am I supposed to know how to use this-a thing!?"
"What do you mean how!? You point and you squeeze! It couldn't be any simpler, Doc!"
"It's-a too simple! There should be a scope, or a trigger! Fanculo, even a slingshot, I can at least pull the-"
Before the two could finish arguing, the Space Pirate vessel blasted off into the air, yanking the doctor and Toon along with it. The wind stung as it whipped by their skin, and every time the tail flailed from side to side, they felt their brains slam against their skulls. Toon Link in particular felt his already sore muscles being pulled to their limits. After an agonizingly long flight, the vessel came to a sharp stop. The force of the stop ripped the hookshot out of Dr. Mario's hands, sending the both of them hurtling into the sandy dirt below.
"Ugh…" Toon gurgled through chipped teeth and a mouthful of sand, "Well, I have some constructive criticism about your form, but overall, you did pretty good."
"Yeah, thanks." Dr. Mario rubbed a bleeding temple as he pulled up his head and scanned the scenery. The two had landed in some sort of quarry. Cliffs of slate surrounded them from all sides, with factories and stations built into the stone. A creaky crane swung over everyone's heads, moving minerals from one side of the mines to the other. The sun had begun to rise, but its rays could hardly pierce the hazy pink dust cloud hanging over the quarry. Dr. Mario hacked and wheezed on the soot as he watched the wounded Space Pirates march out of the vessel. The doctor scooped up Toon and rolled over to the vessel. They ripped off the hookshot before the vessel took off, and then pursued the bleeding troop into the quarry.
"Toon," Dr. Mario said as they stepped into a bleak metal station, "things could turn-a south quickly. I know you're-a not at your best right now, but are you ready to defend yourself if need be?"
"I'm sure I could make do. I've got my bow, I've got my shield, I've got my-..." Toon patted down his bandaged body as his words trailed off. "...Huh. Guess I left my sword on the Orpheon."
"You mean-a the Master Sword!? Isn't that one of the most important-a weapons in the world!?"
"Well the real one is, yeah. Mine was just a duplicate."
"It was?"
"Yeah, dude, all of my stuff's fake. I'm sure the Villainoct had a hell of a time just getting a DNA sample from the real Link. Snatching his equipment wouldn't be nearly worth the trouble."
"Hmm...the Villainoct. I've-a heard that word before. What does it mean? Does it have to-a do with the Space Pirates?"
Toon Link shrugged. "Eh, kinda, I think. Honestly, I don't know too much about them either. I'm just going off of what I've heard from the guys on the Orpheon. But I'm pretty sure they're this group of super bad dudes. Ridley's a part of it, that's how the Space Pirates are connected. Wolf O'Donnell's part of it too."
"Wolf," Mario thought aloud, "The guy you-a said you fought on the Orpheon. And the guy I think I ran into myself."
"Mhm. That's why he was on the Orpheon in the first place, because he's part of the Villainoct."
"Do you know if anyone called-a Bowser is part of the Villainoct?"
"Never heard of him. I can't think of any other names, actually."
"Hmm...oh? It-a looks like we might be here."
The two came up to an open doorway, with a dull light radiating out into the hall. Dr. Mario pressed his back to the wall and poked his head over the side; sure enough, the wounded Space Pirates were being treated inside. Robotic nurses filed through the queues of Pirates, using their spindly arms to slather the Pirates with a viscous goo. Upon contact with the goo, every gash and tear on the Pirates' bodies slowly pulled themselves together.
"What do we do?" Dr. Mario whispered to his friend.
"Just walk in all casual," Toon said, "I got an idea."
"W-walk in?"
"Yeah, just get me in there. I'll take it away."
Dr. Mario pulled his head back. That wickedness overtook him again. It glued him to the ground, forcing itself through his legs like the beams of a house. Damn these walls, caving in around the doctor. Damn this ringing, overwhelming his senses in the silence of the facility. Damn those Space Pirates, ready to fill the both of them with holes the second they walked through the door. It was the threat of death that terrified the doctor so much - if death was such a danger, why hadn't it claimed him already? Dr. Mario could've died so many times within the past few hours alone. Was death just trying to play with him now? If so, did he really have anything to fear? Oh god, how could he know. What was it he was really afraid of by now?
"Hey, Doc," Toon probed, "are we moving or what?"
"Huh? Sorry, I was...out of it for a bit."
"C'mon, Doc, you know we got this."
Toon Link gave his friend a thumbs up, audibly shredding his abductor pollicis longus in the process. Dr. Mario nodded and, with a deep breath, stepped into the infirmary. Every Space Pirate in the room, no matter how injured, sat up and aimed their claw cannons at the duo.
"Hold your fire, gentlemen," Toon Link commanded with a smile, "We're Space Pirates like you."
That certainly did nothing to help the doctor's anxiety.
"You are...Space Pirates?" asked one of the Space Pirates, with a voice as lively as a fax machine.
"Obviously! Are you a Space Pirate, smart guy?"
"What is your identification code?"
"Ah, trying to dodge the question, I see! What's your identification code?"
"Tallon IV Class 7 authority, identification code 2c503e."
"Ay! No kidding! My identification code is 2c502e!"
The Space Pirate stared at Toon blankly for a while. During the whole facade, Toon's smile didn't falter once. It turned its head to Dr. Mario; the simple motion made the doctor flinch.
"And what is your identification code?"
"Uh…" Dr. Mario replied, "2c...504e?"
"Objection." Another Space Pirate in the back of the room cut the doctor off. "Your identification code is a duplicate of mine."
The Space Pirate held up its claw, displaying its code: 2c504e. Dr. Mario and Toon Link turned to each other, their mouths agape in shock.
"Oh shit, boys," Toon Link shouted, pointing to the real 2c504e, "we got an imposter! Everyone, get him!"
Immediately, every other Space Pirate pounced onto 2c504e. After being thrown onto the ground, 2c504e had its exoskeleton kicked in by its misinformed comrades. Its rubbery innards spilled out onto the ground, and yet the Pirates didn't relent. They kicked the poor scapegoat so hard, their own feet began to break open, contributing to the puddle of blood pooling on the floor. 2c504e should've died in an instant.
Just as it approached the end of its mortal coil, however, a robot nurse hovered over to the victim and slathered him in the medical mixture. It was in their programming to keep all nearby Space Pirates alive - even against the wishes of other Space Pirates. 2c504e's open wounds pulled themselves shut, but for every gash that closed, three more were cut open by the talons of the other Pirates. 2c504e was now smothered by a crowd of Pirates and robots, being simultaneously resuscitated one second and splattered to bits the other. It was the worst hell one could imagine, and Dr. Mario and Toon Link were forced to watch it unfold. How long was it until the doctor became numb to the shrill screeching of the Pirate on the ground, or the rancid stench of its organs? But as the doctor filtered out the bloodbath before him, the robot nurses began to realize what was going on.
They weren't just machines obeying simple commands; they were programmed with deep learning, able to adapt to any situation this alien planet could come up with. They began to notice how quickly 2c504e was getting wounded, and how each wound seemed so similar to the last. Their programs decided to attack these injuries at their source: the other Space Pirates. Wrapping their wiry arms around the violent Pirates, they used every bit of charge in their batteries to try and pull the crowd apart. But the hostile Pirates, now frothing from their toothy mouths, wouldn't have any of it. The Pirates ripped their robot nurses into pieces. With their claws dug between the metal plating, they let out blood curdling screams as they shredded the nurses who'd just put them back together. More nurses filed into the room from the hall; all of them met the same demise. Even worse, the jagged remains of the nurses were used by the Pirates to continue 2c504e's torment. The Pirates picked up and held 2c504e's sputtering body against the wall, its arms stretched out horizontally. 2c504e presented no objection; blinded, deafened, nearly quartered and drawn, it had lost all sensation long ago. The last agony the Pirate ever suffered was the feeling of a cold metal pike being dug through its right palm. In fact, it was the thin arm of a robot nurse, now weaponized by the Pirate's bloodthirsty brothers. With another arm being driven into the Pirate's left palm, 2c504e's final moments were spent being crucified against the wall of the infirmary. Even that was too much dignity for the other Space Pirates to give, however, and they continued beating the body to a pulp.
The nurses came to understand how pointless their efforts were, and decided to try a new route. Their objective was to keep the Space Pirates alive, and as long as this conflict raged on, Space Pirates were at risk of dying. They deemed peacefully separating the Pirates ineffective; the only way to keep the Space Pirates from killing each other now was to kill all of the Space Pirates. Arming themselves with scalpels and syringes, the nurses agreed to neutralize any entity that harmed a Space Pirate. The second a belligerent Pirate laid a hand on 2c504e's body, they found themselves with a nurse on their back, digging a scalpel into their neck. The Pirates all dropped to the floor one by one, their screams sinking away beneath the whirring and hissing of their cybernetic killers. The nurses had successfully quelled the conflict, but at a price; by killing the Pirates that had harmed another Pirate, they had themselves harmed Space Pirates. They needed to be neutralized. To complete their mission, they had no choice but to ram themselves into the walls of the infirmary, again and again without relent. Even as their metal shells cracked open and their inner circuitry shattered, they only ran faster and faster into the wall before them. Only when their broken busted bodies couldn't hold themselves together did the nurses stop.
By the time the nurses ceased to move, the room was left a hellish graveyard. Blood and oil seeped through Dr. Mario's shoes, squirming its way between his toes. All of the beds were now decorated with garlands of intestinal tract. Sparks flew from the debris of the nurses and lit the Pirate bodies on fire. And as 2c504e hung over this gruesome battlefield, one could almost say that it got the last laugh; it's heart was the last of it's troop to stop beating. Dr. Mario dropped to his knees, squishing onto some meaty bits as he fell. He laid down Toon Link and rested his head in his hands. He had no words. He no longer wished to speak, or to move, or even to be healed. In this moment, he wished only for death.
"See, Doc?" Toon said as he pumped his fist in the air, "I told you we got this!"
Dr. Mario picked himself up off of the floor, scooping his little friend up along with him. Once he grew the courage to force himself into the carnage, the doctor placed Toon atop the cleanest bed left in the infirmary. For himself, he reserved the second cleanest bed. Who was he kidding, they were all equally filthy.
"Monita," Dr. Mario asked his electronic assistant as he hopped up onto the bed, "how do we-a fix ourselves up?"
"REMAIN SEATED IN THESE BEDS. I HAVE SENT OUT A PRIORITY ALERT; AN AUTOMATED HEALTHCARE ASSISTANT WILL BE HERE SHORTLY TO TREAT YOU."
"Okay, but like," Toon added, "if, hypothetically speaking, every nurse in this facility just committed a miniature robotic Jonestown of sorts, what would we do then?"
"YOU CAN ATTEMPT TO PERFORM THE NECESSARY PROCEDURES ON YOUR OWN. I WILL INSTRUCT YOU TO THE BEST OF MY CAPACITY."
"Sounds about par for the course." Dr. Mario cracked his knuckles to prepare for his first procedure. "I'll-a fix myself first, Toon, so I can properly help you."
"You got it, Doc," Toon said, "I don't really have anywhere else to be, and I couldn't go there if I did."
Dr. Mario nodded and looked over at his supplies. On a mobile tray next to the bed, Dr. Mario had a complete set of tools before them. They all spiraled and twisted in ways no Earthly equipment ever would. Before being coated in Space Pirate remains, they were all a sterile shade of white, including some opaque jars holding who knows what.
"Monita," Dr. Mario asked, "how do I-a treat bupivacaine overdose? It-a was your last diagnosis for me."
"CALCULATING...RECOMMENDED APPROACH: LIPID RESCUE. RETRIEVE THE BAG LABELED INTRALIPID AND HANG IT ON THE STAND BEHIND YOU."
The doctor sifted through the mess on the tray. The Intralipid baggie in question had a thin strand of tubing trailing out from a little nozzle on the bottom.
"What's-a this?" Dr. Mario asked, wrapping the tube around his pinky finger as he hung the bag.
"THAT IS THE CATHETER WE WILL BE USING."
Dr. Mario immediately began gushing sweat, and he couldn't swallow for the life of him.
"Uh...using...using how?"
"WE WILL BE STARTING AN INTRAVENOUS INFUSION USING A VEIN IN YOUR ARM."
"Phew. Okay." Dr. Mario brushed the sweat off of his greasy Italian skin. "What-a next?"
"LOCATE A VEIN RUNNING ALONG THE ANTERIOR SIDE OF YOUR ARM. IDEALLY, YOU SHOULD CHOOSE A VEIN YOU CAN FEEL FROM BENEATH YOUR SKIN."
Dr. Mario removed his lab coat and ripped a hole into his bodysuit. Running a fingertip along his bare arm, he picked out a vein he liked.
"ONCE YOU HAVE FOUND A SUITABLE VEIN, INSERT THE CATHETER WITH THE BEVEL POINTED UP AND THE CATHETER RUNNING TOWARDS YOUR SHOULDER. WITH THE CATHETER INSERTED, PULL THE SKIN AROUND THE INSERTION AREA TAUT AND TAPE THE CATHETER IN PLACE."
"So, I have to-a stab myself." Dr. Mario grabbed the catheter and brought it to his arm. He held back from putting it in, but the longer he waited, the less steady his hand became. "Do you have any tips?"
"TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND RELAX."
"So much for-a that. Huff...Here we go."
After a few moments of trembling, Dr. Mario jabbed himself with the tube. His stomach turned at the sight of his own blood peeking out through the catheter, but he managed to hold down his lunch as he taped the IV down. Has he ever actually eaten lunch? What was his body fed while he was in the simulation?
"How-a long," Dr. Mario asked, "should I leave this in?"
"YOUR CARDIOTOXICITY WAS NOT SEVERE. AFTER TEN MINUTES, YOU SHOULD BE SAFE TO REMOVE THE CATHETER."
"Sick!" Toon cheered, "See, you can be a doctor!"
"Haha," Dr. Mario replied, "Yeah, it-a wasn't that hard."
"TO BE FAIR, I DID SKIP OVER SEVERAL CRUCIAL PROTOCOLS TO AVOID OVERWHELMING THE PATIENT. FOR EXAMPLE, AN INITIAL THIRTY MILLIGRAM DOSE OF THE INTRALIPID DELIVERED VIA INJECTION IS TYPICALLY RECOMMENDED BEFORE STARTING THE DRIP."
"Gee, thanks-a for the undercut."
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
Dr. Mario sighed, dropping his head in his hands. Toon Link, at least, found it funny.
"Well, we've-a got some time. How are-a you feeling, Toon?"
"Good, good," Toon answered, "Barely even feel all of my broken bones right now. Well now that I brought it up, I feel it. Shit."
"We don't have anywhere to go. Just-a try to stay still."
"That won't be hard, at least."
Even within the bonds of his bandages, however, Toon knew he was lying. His fingers and toes wiggled thoroughly beneath the gauze, begging for freedom. He could feel his joints locking up, his muscles atrophying every second he wasn't running and hopping around.
"Speaking of which," Toon said, "where should we go after this."
"Huh?"
"Where should we go? What should we do?"
"Hmm...I'd-a say we get some type of a ship. One that can-a get us off of this planet."
"Yeah, but like, what do we do after that?"
"What do you-a mean?" Dr. Mario asked. Toon Link rolled himself over so that he was facing his friend.
"What are we gonna do with our lives? We're going through so much trouble to keep ourselves alive, we oughta do something with our time."
"Huh...I-a hadn't thought that far." Dr. Mario clutched his forehead. He could feel his brain pounding as the thought came to his attention. "We could really do anything, couldn't we?"
"Yeah! We could try and get back to our world and meet our original doppelgangers. We could try to take down the Space Pirates. We could try to take over an alien planet conquistador style and become kings. I don't think good guys are supposed to do things like that last one, though...Are we the good guys, Doc?"
"I'm-a not fit to process a question like that right-a now, Toon." Dr. Mario began to sweat again, and the walls grew tighter with every thought the doctor had. "Monita, is this-a thing working?"
"UNLESS YOU CAN DETECT INFLAMMATION OR SWELLING AROUND THE IV SITE, THE INFUSION SHOULD BE FULLY OPERATIONAL."
"Maybe I-a just need to take my mind off of things." Dr. Mario slid off of his bed and wheeled the IV rack closer to Toon. "I'm-a gonna patch you up now, Toon."
"Shouldn't you wait until that drip's done with, Doc?"
"Maybe. Monita, how do we-a fix Toon?"
"DOES THE PATIENT HAVE A DIAGNOSIS?"
"Technically not." Dr. Mario glanced over Toon's tiny mummy body. "Toon, what-a part of you exactly is-a hurting right now?"
"Doc, I think literally every cell in my body is damaged right now."
"RECOMMENDED INITIAL TREATMENT: ALL PURPOSE REGENERATIVE SAP. LOCATE THE CONTAINER LABELED 'HEALING SPROUT'."
Dr. Mario sifted through the tray next to Toon's table, finding the jar in question. Upon opening the jar, he found the gelatinous slush the nurses had applied to the Space Pirates earlier. It was a translucent green, and had one leafy sprout suspended in its center.
"What's-a that?" Dr. Mario asked.
"THAT IS A SPECIMEN OF AUREUM SOLIS, INFORMALLY REFERRED TO AS THE HEALING SPROUT. IT COMES FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION. THE SPROUT RELEASES A STICKY GREEN SAP, WHICH HAS BEEN FOUND TO CONTAIN A MULTITUDE OF AMINO ACIDS AS WELL AS NATURAL ORGANIC ENERGY. AFTER BEING GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BY SPACE PIRATE BIOTECHNICIANS, THE SAP USES THESE COMPONENTS TO ENCOURAGE CELLULAR REGENERATION UPON CONTACT. IT NOT ONLY SPEEDS UP THE PROCESS, BUT IT ALSO PUSHES IT BEYOND ITS NORMAL CAPABILITIES, ALLOWING SOME INJURIES THAT ARE USUALLY LETHAL TO BE REPAIRED. THE SAP IS COMPATIBLE WITH EVERY LIVING ORGANISM THE SPACE PIRATES HAVE TESTED IT ON."
"Huh. Let's-a try it out."
Dr. Mario peeled back Toon's bandages to reveal the latter's skin, still covered in blisters and gashes. All of Toon's personal items - including several volatile explosives - dropped onto the floor after being encased in the gauze.
"Oh Jesus!" Toon exclaimed, flinching as his smart bombs hit the floor. "Did you seriously wrap me up with all of my bombs!? What if you dropped me and I went kablooey!?"
"Go easy on me! Your clothes were too tattered to hold anything, and my pockets are-a full!"
The doctor scooped a ball of the sap out of the jar and began to rub it over Toon's body. Toon winced, but couldn't help chuckling as he watched the green gel jiggle around in the doctor's hand. Sure enough, just as they'd seen before, Toon's wounds began to pull themselves back together. His blisters popped and drained themselves, and his skin returned to its usual rosy color.
"Woohoo! I'm feeling 100% already!" Toon Link jumped out of bed, landing on the floor with a triple somersault. His skin ripped back open, and all of his bones unfused and broke again. "Woohoo, I'm feeling like 40% or so already."
"Give it-a time to work, Toon," Dr. Mario said, reapplying the healing sprout goo, "Frankly, I've-a got no idea how you survived this long."
"Me neither, honestly." Toon rubbed his chin as he rolled back onto the bed. "All I remember is Wolf beating me senseless. And then I saw this...yellow glow. Like someone was peeing in my eyes. And suddenly, I felt a lot cooler. I had all this energy, and I couldn't feel any pain. I really couldn't tell you what it was. Maybe it was just determination or something."
"Sounds about par for the course for-a the Triforce of Courage."
"The what of courage?"
"The Triforce. That-a relic that you-...oh, right, you wouldn't have-a heard of it."
Toon shot up from the bed again and tugged on Dr. Mario's arm, ignoring the new tears in his skin.
"What is it!? What is it!? What is it!? What is it!?"
"Settle-a down, Toon! I don't know! That's-a not really my specialty. Mama Mia. Sometimes, I-a can't tell when you're being-a brave and when you're just being a child."
"I was born a few weeks ago; I'm always a child."
Toon managed to pull a laugh out of Dr. Mario. Toon smiled, his mission accomplished.
"Hah, okay, that was-a good. But you know who-a really must've been born a few weeks ago?"
"Who?"
"Those-a red and purple Space Pirates on the Orpheon."
The two could barely speak through their laughter now. It reached the point that the fact they were still laughing was funnier than the actual topic of discussion.
"Haha! Oh man, those guys were weird. Hey, hey, but you know who really really was probably born a few weeks ago?"
"Pfft, w-who? Hahaha!"
"That Space Pirate standing literally in the doorway right in front of us!"
Dr. Mario nearly leapt out of his own skin as he turned to see a Space Pirate standing literally in the doorway right in front of them. The Pirate raked his fingers along the wall of the infirmary as he approached, producing a whiny metal screech.
"Yeah, you see him!" Toon Link cheered, "Look at how doofy he looks, with his weird fish mouth and his-hey Doc, why aren't you laughing anymore?"
"What are you two doing here?" The Space Pirate reached over his shoulder to hit a blocky metal attachment on his back. With the flick of a switch, two oblong barrels popped out from the attachment, peeking from behind the Pirate. Dr. Mario crumpled into a quivering mess, his lips moving without words.
"Hold your fire, my good sir," Toon Link commanded with a smile, "We're Space Pirates like you."
"...Do you think I have brain rot?"
"It worked on your friends," Toon grumbled with a pout. The Pirate looked around at the sticky mess of bile and blood strewn across the room.
"Let me guess, you tried that on some Class 7 authorities? Pirates below Class 5 are lucky if they can read. Class 7s specifically are bred for two purposes - killing things that need to be dead and not killing things that need to be alive. But me? I'm a Class 3 authority, identification code 12345e. Tricks won't save you from me."
"Alright, I can see that. No need for trickery, let's just talk this out, nice and directly."
Toon Link then turned Dr. Mario around and whispered into his ear.
"Okay, Doc," Toon said, "how are we going to trick this stupid asshole?"
"I can still hear you!"
"Can you shut the fuck up? We're trying to talk."
Toon turned back to face the doctor, leaving the Pirate in his own silence. With his teeth clenched and his body shaking, the Pirate raised his fist into the air and slammed it onto the ground. A wave of blue energy rolled across the floor, knocking Dr. Mario and Toon to the ground. Toon Link's bloated head hit the floor with a kerthunk. He could still hear it reverberating from the ground when the Pirate hoisted him into the air.
"You little punk!" the Pirate growled, "No one insults soon to be Elite Pirate Upsilon!"
Dr. Mario dug into the supplies in his pocket to ward off the Pirate. As he prepared to attack, however, he was taken aback by Toon's expression. The Hylian's cheery smile had sunk into a stone cold stare, calmly analyzing the scene even as Upsilon prepared to claw out his eyes. The doctor could practically hear the gears turning in that puffy cranium.
"Sorry, sorry, my guy," Toon sputtered as Upsilon wrung his neck, "I wouldn't wanna disrespect a Class 4 Pirate dude."
"Class 3 you idiot!" Upsilon pushed a crystalline bayonet out of his wrist, and drew it back to hack off Toon's head.
"Class 3, Class 4, what's the difference?"
"What's the difference!?" Upsilon held back his swing. He stood there for a moment, just holding up Toon, lost for words. "...W-what's the difference!? You, tch, what do you mean!? Only a Class 3 like myself can become an Elite Pirate!"
"Whuzzat?"
"What's that, the pipsqueak says. Hah! Elite Pirates are the culmination of every second we've spent on this miserable planet! Space Pirates fuelled by the power of the Phazon deposits deep inside of Tallon IV. Only 19 of the most skilled of the Space Pirates have been selected to begin the experiments, to have Phazon integrated into their genetic code. Most of them didn't even survive. What I'm trying to say is that you need a lot of guts to become an Elite Pirate. But I don't think you'll understand unless I show you directly!"
Upsilon threw back his arm again, prepping to cut Toon's head clean off.
"Actually, I think it'd be easier for me to understand if you continued to explain it to me in excruciating detail."
"Well, if that's what it'll take."
So Upsilon continued to go on and on about the Elite Pirates and how he deserved to be an Elite Pirate and why he absolutely shouldn't have been discharged five years back after just one little carpet bombing incident. Dr. Mario tuned Upsilon out, however, focusing solely on Toon. Try as he might, the doctor couldn't follow Toon's plan, unless it revolved around having Upsilon talk himself to death. All this talking had to be going somewhere. Unless, of course, Toon was just trying to give Dr. Mario time to think of something. Oh no. Oh dear God, that better not have been it.
And then, a motion from Toon Link. It would've been easy to miss, just a flicker of the hand in Dr. Mario's direction. Dr. Mario almost could've written it off as unintentional if it weren't followed by Toon pointing to the floor. The final clue Dr. Mario received was Toon's cupped hand, waiting to be filled. But from the floor? Wait, of course! Toon's stuff on the floor! The bow couldn't be of much use right now; Toon had to be asking for a smart bomb. Dr. Mario looked down to reach for a bomb, but the closest one to him was right at the base of Upsilon's foot. Sure, the Pirate was busy, but he'd definitely notice the doctor getting close enough to brush noses/snouts with. Being strung to a big metal pole by his arm wouldn't help either.
Wait. Could that be it? Dr. Mario glanced down at the bottom of the IV stand. At its base, four wheeled legs stuck out at perpendicular angles to carry the rack - the perfect angles to hook a smart bomb between. Slowly, carefully, Dr. Mario reached for the stand. With the wiry pole between just two of his fingers, he gave it a delicate tug in his direction. The second the wheels started moving, Dr. Mario swore he heard them creak. He looked back at Upsilon, his cover surely blown, but the Pirate was still chewing out Toon. Somehow, this revelation made things worse, as the IV stand began to rattle in Dr. Mario's quivering hand. The doctor couldn't even hear the noise he was making over the sound of his own heartbeat, but he pressed on regardless. He continued to drag the stand across the floor, moving no quicker than a dust bunny rolling across the floor. With every creak of the wheels, the stand inched closer and closer and his heart beat faster and faster until the doctor could finally hook the legs around the bomb! With one solid yank, he dragged the smart bomb over to his person.
Splat.
That fool. That absolute fool. How his hubris had blinded him so. In his scurry to get the smart bomb over to his feet, he'd accidentally knocked the intralipid bag off of the rack. It hit the floor with a juicy splap, drawing both Toon and Upsilon's attention. Dr. Mario swooped down just in time to palm the bomb before Upsilon could see; not that Dr. Mario could do much with it balled in his left fist.
"Hey!" Upsilon shouted, "What are you up to!?"
"Uh…" Dr. Mario thoroughly rubbed his face with his right hand, drawing Upsilon's attention while he snuck the bomb into Toon's waiting hand. "N-nothing!"
"Bullshit! Wait a minute…Pipsqueak! You were trying to distract me by making me talk, huh!? Show me what's in your hands!"
"Shit, dude," Toon replied, "you can have it if you want it so bad."
Toon primed the bomb and hurled it into Upsilon's face. In the brief second between then and the explosion, Toon tried to whip out his shield, and maybe it would've even helped against the first explosion. But as fire shot out from the broken shell of the first bomb, the others on the floor cracked under the heat. Smart bombs just started popping left and right, every second, blinding everyone in the room. Before anyone could even register the pain, they felt the floor of the infirmary shatter, pulling them into the inky depths below.
It took some time for Dr. Mario to fully process the darkness around him now; the light from the smart bombs had been burnt deep into his retinas. As his eyes slowly adjusted to their new surroundings, he patted the ground beneath him with his hand. Curiously, it felt...soft. Rubbery, maybe, or more like cushioney. It was warm to the touch, and bounced back when you pushed it down. It couldn't be any type of metal, right? Sure, metals could be malleable, but not like this. Not like flesh.
Flesh?
"Doc, you fat fuck, get off of me."
Oh. Guess it was flesh.
"Sorry, Toon. My-a bad."
Dr. Mario rolled off of Toon Link, hitting the true ground beneath them; a bumpy stone cavern, wrapping around the both of them like the innards of a stone serpent.
"Mama Mia," Dr. Mario whimpered, "how did you-a come up with that-a plan so quickly?"
"Hmm? What, the thing with talking him up and the bomb and all that? I wouldn't really call that a plan, it was just a heat of the moment type thing."
"But how did you-a know you could distract him? How did you even-a know there was space beneath the floor?"
"Oh, easy. When my head hit the floor, I heard it reverberate, like when you hit a bongo. There wouldn't be that echo if it was just solid metal underneath. And I knew I could talk up that Pirate by the way he presented himself. He's a textbook narcissist. He could have just cut us into pieces the second he walked in, but instead he made a huge deal to tell us who he was and why he was so cool. I knew if I could get him talking, he probably wouldn't stop."
"That's a lot to observe in a few seconds, don't you think?"
"I try not to."
Dr. Mario reached his hand out to help Toon onto his feet. Although he couldn't make the Hylian out very clearly, Dr. Mario could feel that his friend's hand was slicked with blood and cracking all over.
"Are-a you okay, Toon?"
"I mean, no. We just took like eight bombs to the face, my guy. What, are you okay?"
"Well...yeah, kind of."
Toon had a point. Dr. Mario didn't dodge or guard himself or anything. He should be curled up on the floor, clutching bare bones as the sinue between his muscles melted away. And yet, he felt fine. Maybe his skin stung a little, but otherwise, he felt as if the explosion hadn't even happened. Dr. Mario swiveled around, patting his body to be certain he hadn't just gone numb to his injuries. Sure enough, his body felt all the same. As he was investigating, however, he found one thing that was off; a gluey clump of...something was stuck to the back of his forearm. The doctor smacked it off, sending it to the ground with a gooey squelch.
"Ooh, what's that?" Toon asked, shambling over to the source of the noise.
"Don't-a touch that, Toon!" Dr. Mario warned, "It could be aggressive!"
Regardless, Toon bent down and gave the sticky glob a cursory poke. Just a gentle prod caused the mound the bounce off of Toon's finger.
"Hehehe."
"Toon! Stop!"
"But it jiggles! Kinda like...wait, hold up."
Toon gawked up at the sky. A ring of hazy light permeated from the remains of the infirmary above, fading away onto a spotlight on the cave floor. Toon scooped up the glob and hobbled over to the light. It didn't reveal much, but the light passing through the goo did show its light green hue.
"Wait, is that…a healing sprout?" Dr. Mario said.
"Oh, I get it!" Toon declared, "You must've gotten one of these stuck to you when you were falling. That's why you're not hurt; it was healing you while you were unconscious. I guess you don't need to apply it everywhere if you've got enough of it."
Toon took the sprout and stuck it to his chest. For a brief moment, he felt a minty surge of relief pulse through every wound on his body. Just as quickly as he'd slapped it on, however, the healing sprout's goo evaporated and floated away. The sprout itself shriveled into dust, leaving Toon still heavily wounded.
"Hey, what's the deal!?" Toon exclaimed.
"Monita said that-a the sap is a broth of nutrients. It-a looks like those nutrients get used up after a while."
Dr. Mario scavenged around on the floor until he found another healing sprout jar. He scooped out the sprout and threw it over at Toon, sticking it onto the back of his head.
"Thanks. Actually, maybe we should pocket some more of those things for later."
Dr. Mario nodded and they both started gathering healing sprouts off of the floor. Among the sprouts, Toon found a lab coat lying on the ground.
"Hey, Doc," Toon said, throwing Dr. Mario the coat, "I think this is yours."
"Oh, thank you." Dr. Mario grabbed the coat and continued scavenging. On the floor, he found a bow and a quiver of arrows. "Toon, I-a think this is yours."
"Thanks, Doc." Toon equipped his bow and continued scavenging. On the floor, he found the intralipid bag Dr. Mario was using, now severed from the catheter. "Hey, Doc, I think this is-...oh shit."
"What?" Dr. Mario looked over at Toon, seeing the bag on the floor. Feeling up his arm, he remembered that the IV catheter was still in his arm. "Oh no, that-a can't be good. I-a need to remove this."
Dr. Mario gently tugged the catheter out of his arm, covering the point of entry with the leftover gauze in his coat. Just as they finished scrounging about the floor, a low gurgle rumbled throughout the cave.
"Eugghhh…"
Dr. Mario and Toon jumped to each other's sides, with Toon prepping his bow and Dr. Mario retrieving a capsule from his pocket. Suddenly, the floor cracked, and light flooded the caverns. Dr. Mario and Toon could see each other clearly now, albeit washed a shade of blue. Turning to face the source of the noise, they saw Upsilon digging into a fissure in the ground. The Pirate's arms and legs were all pointing the wrong ways, and his exoskeleton was still smoking.
"Eek! Careful, Toon!" Dr. Mario said, "It's-a that Pirate! He's still alive!"
"Quit freaking out, Doc," Toon replied, "He can't even stand up. Fuck dude, I'm not gonna hit this poor guy. Let's just get out of here."
"Right." Dr. Mario took out the hookshot and aimed it towards the infirmary.
"Nah nah nah nah nah." Toon Link snatched the hookshot out of the doctor's hand. "I'll do it, before you hook us onto a fucking ceiling fan or something."
"It was-a one time!"
Toon Link fired the hookshot into the air, zipping him and the doctor out of the caves, leaving Upsilon to die. But he refused to die. Even as his innards mostly became his outards, Upsilon continued to pick away at the floor. Eventually, he reached the source of the blue light; a glowing substance embedded in the earth, both mineral and crystalline yet at the same time throbbing with life.
"So...you were at my side all along." Upsilon gurgled, driving his fingers into the substance like it were butter, "My guiding light. My divine providence. I truly have become an Elite Pirate. No...an Omega Pirate."
Dr. Mario and Toon Link scurried out of the station, back out onto the sandy surface of Tallon IV. The immediate area was virtually empty, and the green winged vessel was still waiting in front of the door.
"You don't-a think we can just take it, do you?" Dr. Mario asked.
"I mean, shit dude," Toon replied, "I don't think those guys from the infirmary are gonna need it anytime soon."
Dr. Mario and Toon Link hopped into the ship, it's interior dark and clunky like the Orpheon. Toon slapped the keyboard just as he had on the research frigate, and once again, it worked. Sure, Toon also set off two EMPs, a rocket launcher, an emergency ejector for the passenger seat, and the sprinkler system, but eventually, the ship did take off.
"Yeah!" Toon cheered, jumping up and down in the pilot's seat, "Look at that, Doc, we did it! Yeehaw! Booyah! Bing bing wahoo, as you might say! We're out of here, we've got our own ship, and it was all easy peasy."
While Toon Link was gloating behind the keyboard, however, Dr. Mario was slouched by some crates in the back of the vessel. His giant squishy nose was overwhelmed by the rusty stench of Space Pirate blood, still stuck to the seats of the vessel from its earlier passengers. That combined with the oppressive darkness of the back of the ship stirred a restless irritation the doctor could not ignore; a festering itch on his inner psyche.
"Easy peasy?" Dr. Mario replied, "If-a nearly getting killed is-a so 'easy peasy,' I'd-a hate to see what-a you call hard. Che cazzo."
"Yeah, yeah, Kit Kats, you fucking asshole." Toon Link slumped back down into his seat, the bubblegum smile wiped clean off of his face. "Kit Kats, fazool, Mama Mia, suck my dick, whatever you wanna say, but we made it out alive, didn't we? Shit, bro, what do you want?"
"I-a want to go home! I-a want to have a home! I-a want to have a life that's worth fighting to keep! Worth being hunted by-a bugmen, and-a getting flung planet to planet, and-a feeling like every part of my body is-a trying to tear itself apart!"
Dr. Mario panted for breath after his declaration. The words forced themselves out, rolling out like ball bearings and thumping onto the floor with their weight. Toon sat in his seat, staring at the doctor with uneasy eyes. Only then did Dr. Mario realize that he'd shot halfway across the space between them. How long had he been standing up?
"...I'm-a sorry, Toon," Dr. Mario whimpered, sitting back down, "I-a shouldn't have yelled. You-a didn't do anything."
"It's cool man," Toon said, "I know things are rough right now. And I know that I can't know what you're going through right now. This isn't really all that bad for me since it's all I've ever known, but you, dude? You've had a whole life before this. Though honestly, I would figure that'd make things easier for you. I mean, you're Mario, dude. I don't really know that much about you, but don't you do this stuff, like, everyday?"
"That's-a the thing, Toon. 'Mario' does. But I...I'm-a not...I-a don't know who or-a what I am. I-a don't know if I can do this the way 'Mario' would."
"Well, if it means anything, I know for a fact I can't do anything the way Link would. I can't even reach half of the stuff Link can. And I know Link wouldn't set off eight different explosions and nearly kill himself just to get away from one dude. But that's not necessarily a bad thing."
Reminiscing on the explosion, Toon looked down at his tunic. It had been seared black, and was tattered at the seams.
"Huh," Toon said, "I'm gonna need something new to wear."
Toon hopped out of the chair and began fishing through the crates in the back, throwing around all kinds of explosives and weaponry and alien specimens.
"Take care of flying this thing while I look for something," Toon asked, "And put something on the radio. We don't know where in the universe we are, so we'll probably be flying for a while."
"Even if there is a radio on this-a ship," Dr. Mario said, sitting down behind the keyboard, "what songs could you possibly know? You said you've been alive for a few weeks."
"You'd be surprised by some of the bangers that came on over the intercom on the Orpheon. Shit like Alert! Alert! Enemy on Board! or Reactor Core Critical! Evacuate Immediately or also The Pretender by Foo Fighters, that's probably my favorite, actually. Just put on whatever you want."
Before Dr. Mario could even process what he'd just heard, the communications channel on the keyboard flickered to life. A familiar voice roared out from the speakers.
"You!"
"Well well well," Toon said, "Didn't take you for much of a Soulja Boy type, Doc."
"The only 'Soldier Boy' you should be worrying about is down here on the ground!"
Dr. Mario and Toon Link peered out through the windshield of the vessel. Lo and behold, none other than Upsilon was standing in front of the station. His once green shell was now dark blue, and a sickly aura radiated around him.
"Oh Jesus, not this guy again." Toon brought the speaker to his lips and spoke into it. "Look, dude, you fucked up, alright? Don't embarrass yourself here."
"You're the ones who'll be embarrassed when I, the Omega Pirate, pin your corpses to the walls of the mines!"
Upsilon fired a grenade out of a barrel on his back. A film of plasma enveloped around the bomb, and it floated into the air, launching itself into the side of the ship.
"Toon!" Dr. Mario cried as he fought to keep his balance, "Don't-a provoke this guy!"
"Oh please, Doc, we got EMPs on this baby, we'll be fine." Toon turned back to the intercom. "Omega Pirate? Quit being such a drama queen. You're a turret on legs. A janitor could do your job if you gave them a minigun."
Toon slammed the keyboard, causing an EMP wave to pulse out from the vessel. It hit Upsilon, yet his incendiary launchers seemed unaffected. In fact, they were now fizzling with energy, as if the EMP only strengthened them. Upsilon stomped on the ground and screamed as a swarm of plasma grenades poured out of his cannons
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH!?"
"Oh no."
Toon Link grabbed the controls and veered the ship away from the mines. Before he could even fully turn the ship, however, the grenades already began to make contact with the vessel, tearing off its plating like peanut brittle. Upsilon couldn't watch his victory unfold; he could only see red as he bellowed into the intercom.
"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE HIGH COMMAND ACADEMY, AND I'VE BEEN INVOLVED IN NUMEROUS SECRET RAIDS ON THE GALACTIC FEDERATION, AND I HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED KILLS! I AM TRAINED IN GUERRILLA WARFARE AND I'M THE TOP SNIPER IN THE ENTIRE SPACE PIRATE FLEET! YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT JUST ANOTHER TARGET! I WILL WIPE YOU THE FUCK OUT WITH PRECISION THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE IN THIS STAR SYSTEM, MARK MY FUCKING WORDS! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT SHIT TO ME OVER THE INTERCOM!? THINK AGAIN, FUCKER! AS WE SPEAK I AM CONTACTING MY SECRET NETWORK OF SPIES ACROSS THE MINES AND YOUR VESSEL IS BEING TRACED RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM, MAGGOT! THE STORM THAT WIPES OUT THE PATHETIC LITTLE THING YOU CALL YOUR LIFE! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, KID! I CAN BE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, AND I CAN KILL YOU IN OVER SEVEN HUNDRED WAYS, AND THAT'S JUST WITH MY BARE HANDS! NOT ONLY AM I EXTENSIVELY TRAINED IN UNARMED COMBAT, BUT I HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE ARSENAL OF THE SPACE PIRATE MARINE CORPS AND I WILL USE IT TO ITS FULL EXTENT TO WIPE YOUR MISERABLE ASS OFF THE FACE OF THE CONTINENT, YOU LITTLE SHIT! IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT UNHOLY RETRIBUTION YOUR LITTLE "CLEVER" COMMENT WAS ABOUT TO BRING DOWN UPON YOU, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE HELD YOUR FUCKING TONGUE. BUT YOU COULDN'T, YOU DIDN'T, AND NOW YOU'RE PAYING THE PRICE, YOU GODDAMN IDIOT. I WILL SHIT FURY ALL OVER YOU AND YOU WILL DROWN IN IT! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, KIDDO!"
The last of Upsilon's bombs hit the Space Pirate vessel. Smoke was pouring out from every side of the ship and parts were falling off by the second, but it was still gaining altitude.
"Over there!" Dr. Mario pointed to a canyon by the edge of the mine. "We can take-a shelter in that canyon!"
But Upsilon wasn't nearly finished. His cannons swiveled around towards the ground, and two jets of plasma carried him into the air. He flew up until he bumped into the arm of the crane towering over the mines, and with all of his strength, he dug his claws into the rusty metal of the crane. He could feel his muscles splitting apart and forming back together as he pulled on the crane, but he only screamed through his frothing maws as he yanked harder on the machine. One by one, the bolts and cables holding the crane together snapped, and Upsilon was left with the massive steel arm of the crane draped over his shoulder. Upsilon hurled the crane at the vessel, spearing it straight through its tail. Bursting into flames, the vessel spun out, hurtling into the canyon and falling out of sight. A few seconds later, an explosion burst out of the depths of the canyon. The vessel was no more.