So Mario's in prison now. That's cool.

"Hey, hey!" Princess Peach said as the bubblegum colored native officers dragged her to her cell, "Wait just a minute! With all due respect, my friends and I are entitled to an appearance in court!"

"Calm down, ma'am," one of the officers replied, "you'll get your trial. We're just holding you here until the trial starts."

"But what about our arraignment? We have the right to have our charges read to us in court!"

"Ugh, fine." The officer turned to his companion on Peach's opposite side. "Hey, Vinny, what, uh...what's this bitch here for again?"

"I dunno, Tony. Summin, summin, they crashed a plane into the island," Vinny replied, "Not really supposed to be doing that."

"But that wasn't our fault! Our plane was under attack. It was rigged with bombs without us even knowing!"

"By who?"

"By an ice fairy! Her name was Blizzaurus! She was working with a dark cabal called the Villainoct, she's the reason the plaza froze over this afternoon. Her body's trapped in the debris of the Shine Monument so you won't find her."

"Uh huh, okay," Tony cut back, giving Peach a firm nudge, "the magical fairy did it. Did the invisible fairy also swoop down and take my kids away? Not my whore ex-wife Linda? Get the fuck in your cell."

With that, Peach was thrown into a damp cell and sealed behind a rusty door. She fell onto her knees, with no immediate desire to get back up. All of the legal lingo in the world wouldn't change the fact that she was wrapped up in a traffic cone orange jumpsuit, coated in grime and reeking of musk. This shouldn't have happened. She knew Isle Delfino's legal system was harsh, but this was near insanity. She'd definitely be bringing this up at the next World Nations meeting.

Eventually, Peach propped herself against a wall and surveyed her surroundings. She'd received just about everything you'd expect. Toilet, sink, even a little built in desk. How generous. There was a metal bench sticking out of the wall, but another prisoner was slumped over its length. As rigid as it looked, Peach's companion was resting motionless before her.

"Hello?" Peach called out to her cellmate, "My name is Peach. Who might you be?"

Peach waited for an answer, but nothing came from the limp body.

"...Hello? Are you alright?"

"I think they're dead."

Peach shot her head towards the foreign voice; Meta Knight had warped into her cell. His tiny body had been swaddled in a jumpsuit far too large for him. Only his cape could be seen sticking out.

"Meta Knight?" Peach asked, "They let you keep your cape?"

"They couldn't take it away from me if they wanted to. My cape may not be connected to me with muscles or bone, but its just as much an extension of my being as my arms and legs."

Meta Knight took a step towards the princess, but tripped on a hanging bit of his jumpsuit and toppled onto his face.

"Grab my cape, Princess," Meta Knight said as he squirmed on the floor, "I'll warp you out of the prison."

"But what about Mario and Bowser?" Peach asked as she picked up Meta Knight off the floor.

"I'll come back for them once I get you out of here. I have no idea where their cells are. Once they locked me up, I started warping randomly across the prison, which isn't easy with my cape's short range. When you add in the fact that I have to keep returning to my own cell in case they check up on me, it equals a pretty tedious venture. It's somewhat of a miracle that I found you so quickly."

Peach straightened her posture, steeling herself as she processed Meta Knight's plan.

"Well if you don't know where the others are, don't warp me out just yet."

"Why not? It'd be better to get every individual out as soon as we can, no?"

"We're stronger as a unit. If something happens to the others in here, I don't want you to have to deal with it alone. Bring me with you while you look for Mario and Bowser. Once we're all together, warp us out of here and then we'll leave the island."

"...If that's what you suggest, then we can try it. Let's get out of here."

Meta Knight wriggled around in Peach's grasp, fighting against the orange cloth to try and grab his cape.

"Wouldn't it be easier to use your cape if you took off your jumpsuit?"

"I can't. The officers confiscated my mask."

"Well that's not too much of a problem, is it?" Peach reached down to pull back Meta Knight's jumpsuit. "You're an alien, it's not like anyone will recognize you-"

"No."

Meta Knight reached a nubby blue arm out and grabbed Peach by the wrist. He had a strong grip for someone with no fingers.

"O-okay, you can leave it on."

Bowser, meanwhile, tossed around on his metal bed with discomfort. His own shell dug into the notches of his spine thanks to the stiff iron below him. His blood flow was not done any favors either; the orange pants the guards had squeezed him into were clamping his legs like a sausage casing. Thank God they gave up getting the full jumpsuit on him.

"I try to be a bad guy, I get my ass beat," Bowser mumbled to himself, "I try to be a good guy, I get thrown in jail. I mean, I'm Bowser for crying out loud. I own Nintendo. I don't need this. I could just knock down the door and walk on out of here."

Bowser sat up on his bed and sized up the wall, winding his goliath arms for added effect. After contemplating his escape for a minute, however, he dropped back down with a huff of smoke from his nostrils.

"I'm sure the blue pinto bean's got an escape plan. Just need to wait it out for a bit...Hope my neighbor's not an asshole, at least."

Bowser drummed his knuckles against the adjacent wall, awaiting the answer from the other side.

"Hello?" a familiar voice called out through the stone wall, "Who's-a there?"

"Oh you gotta be shitting me."

"Bowser?" Mario said from his cell, "Is that-a you? Knock again if you can hear me."

Bowser slammed his forehead into the wall to reaffirm the plumber.

"Do you know where-a the princess is?" Mario asked.

"Oh I'm fine, thanks for asking."

"Clearly, you're-a fine enough to talk. I-a don't know if the princess or Meta Knight have the same privilege."

"Well no, I haven't seen either of them since we showed up in this place. This Goddamn place. This Goddamn motherfucking shitshack."
Bowser waggled his foot wildly, snorting out fire as he felt his thoughts swelling up inside his physical form.

"We-a don't want any extra trouble, Bowser. Try to-a stay calm."

"I am calm! All things considered! For a guy who just got abducted by the crackpot legal system of this island and is now slumming it out here while the end of the world hangs over our heads, I'd call myself pretty damn calm!"

"Hey, hey, it-a won't be very long. We'll-a get an appearance in court for our arraignment, and-a Peach can explain everything from there. She's a princess, she has to-a have diplomatic immunity or something. We'll be out of here in-a no time. Even those of us who deserve to stay in-a prison."

"What!?" Bowser shot up off the bed and slammed the wall with the back of his fist. "What are you trying to say!?

"I'm-a just saying, Bowser, one of us is a repeat offender abductor, dictator, terrorist, and warmonger. Your hunger for-a power brought you to bring hellfire down upon just about every nation this side of the planet. The Mushroom Kingdom, Dinosaur Land, Antarctica, even-a this island! You think the Piantas of this island forgot the time you-a covered Delfino in darkness just for a family vacation?"

"Alright, alright, I get it! I've fucked up before, but I'm trying here, man."

"Forgive me for being skeptical, but this wouldn't be-a the first time you tried to pull a cheap trick. I-a wouldn't be too surprised if your partnership with the Villainoct was-a less fake than you've made it out to be."

"You're really gonna go there? You think I helped those assholes crash that plane or something? Newsflash: I was on the plane too!"

"Maybe things just didn't go according to plan. Either way, our confrontation with Blizzaurus proved that we'll always have to be-a cautious. And I don't-a care what Meta Knight has to say about Ganondorf, there's-a no one I'll ever be more cautious of than you."

Their friendly discussion was cut off by a metallic rattling from outside of their cells.

"Someone's-a coming into my cell," Mario said, "Maybe Peach already got us out of here."

From his cell, Bowser could hear Mario's door gently creak open. He pressed his earhole against the cold stone wall to glean as much of the exchange as he could, but he heard nothing. Soon, the door closed, without as much as a word of new information.

"What did they do?" Bowser asked. Mario gave no response. Bowser knocked on the wall again, but to no avail.

"Hey, are you listening, alfredo? What'd that cop come in there for?...Look, I get you don't like me, but I'm sick of you acting all petty! Just answer me already and we can be done with it until one of the others comes for us."

Even still, Mario didn't budge. Bowser pounded on the wall a third time, but the plumber didn't even have another "witty" comeback. Bowser suddenly felt his body start to tense up. Maybe Mario wouldn't want to have a friendly conversation with his archenemy, but Mario would never pass up the chance to say something nasty to him, would he?

"Mario? Hey, Mario!"

Bowser jumped off of the bed and started slamming his fist against the wall. With every silent second that passed, the air grew colder and colder; the Koopa King could feel time whipping past him like a deadly river rapid. As the situation at hand dawned on him, Bowser backed up against the opposite wall and crouched down into position.

"Fuck it."

With a firm kick, Bowser sent his bulky figure rocketing into the wall before him. At least a foot of stone was keeping Bowser from Mario's cell, and it all came crashing down in a cloud of powder as Bowser's hefty body barreled through it. After stumbling into Mario's cell and almost stumbling out of it through the next wall, Bowser could see the reason for Mario's silence - the guard that came in never left. When Bowser broke in, the guard was in the middle of strangling Mario with a tattered yellow bed sheet. Bowser clutched the officers pointed head in one hand and then hoisted him up into the air; at Bowser's size, it was an easy feat.

"Touchdown!" Bowser yelled as he punted the officer face first into the ground. A dense cracking sound came from somewhere in the guard's head, followed by the splat of his limp body collapsing onto the ground. Mario fell over as well as he gasped for sweet sweet air.

"How'd you piss that guy off?" Bowser asked as he brushed dust off of his arms, "I mean, you're not the most lovable guy I know, but we haven't even been here for an hour yet."

"I...I-a don't know," Mario replied between gasps, "He just...came in and attacked me."

"Hmm...an in house execution, huh? No trial? No nothing? Even for Isle Delfino's legal system, that seems a little extreme."

"Well maybe...it's-a not the legal system that's after us. Perhaps-a the Villainoct found us sooner than we expected."

"You're not gonna accuse me of something again, are you!?"

"No, no. But I think something-a fishy is going on in here."

"Well let's find out." Bowser kicked the downed guard in the ribs. "Hey, you! Who sent you!?"

The officer gave no response, unless you counted the squishy squelchy noise his mashed up brain bits made.

"I don't think he's gonna be up for a minute or two," Bowser said.

"I don't think he's-a gonna be up at all." Mario crawled over to the guard and fished through the latter's pockets, pulling out a black set of keys. "We can figure out the specifics later. For-a now, let's just get the princess and Meta Knight and get out of here."

Mario pushed himself up off of the ground and wobbled up to the door. After fiddling with the lock, Mario threw open the door and took a step into the hallway.

"Hey, hold it!"

Mario looked back into the cell. Bowser gestured down to the officer resting on the bloodied floor.

"Got anything you wanna say to me after I just saved your life?"

"...Watch-a your step? Mind-a the blood?"

Mario ran off into the hallway without another word. Smoke began to bellow out of Bowser's nostrils as he bent down and snatched up the bed sheet that had nearly been the end of Mario's life.

"Don't test me, God," Bowser mumbled as he pocketed the sheet, "because I'm about to test right the fuck back."

And so, Mario and Bowser wandered down the hall. As they walked, they gathered the attention of some other inmates. The prisoners pounded on the doors, shouting at the duo from within their cages. While most of their screams were just senseless obscenities, a few of the prisoners tried pleading.

"Hey, you!" a filthy prisoner begged as he jumped up to the window in his door, "You need to get me out of here! I-"

"Sorry, pal," Bowser dismissed, "but we're not giving out autographs."

"But I was framed! Listen, I just wanna see my wife again. Just for a day! Just please let me out!"

Bowser looked down at Mario, who gave the koopa a half-hearted shrug.

"Fine. I'll keep an eye out for guards. You've got the key, get him out of there."

Bowser lumbered out of the way, straining his eyes to peer down the hall. Mario fiddled with the door, fighting against the rust that had built up inside the lock until he managed to force the key in. Just as soon as Mario had opened the cell, however, Bowser began frantically tapping him on the shoulder.

"Mario," Bowser exclaimed, "we've got trouble!"

Mario turned Bowser's way, already bracing himself to take down some guards. All of his preparation melted away, however, when he saw who was really approaching. Emerging from a rolling cloud of smoke came a horde of slobbering monsters. All of them were distorted in some grotesque way; some of them had been stripped of all their flesh while still kept alive, some had their hands ripped off and stitched together, and those were just the ones who looked somewhat human. All of these beasts had their bloodshot gaze locked on Mario and Bowser. As the smoke settled, their pace grew faster and faster until they had broken into an all out sprint.

"On second thought, I don't miss my wife that much." The prisoner stepped back into his cell and shut the door. "I can wait another five years."

"I'll-a cover the air." Mario pointed to some scabby orange fish monsters hovering towards them. "You take care of the ground."

"How about I take care of the ground," Bowser barked, "and you cover the air!?"

"How about you read a book for once?"

Mario sprung off of the ground and leapt onto Bowser's head. He used the top of the koopa's skull as a kickboard to push himself up to the monster's level, while Bowser channeled his annoyance at his companion and slung it towards his foes.

Bowser's first opponents were a clan of animated skulls scuttling his way. Purple tentacles writhed out of every orifice of the skulls, carrying them across the floor and gripping various pieces of weaponry. One leapt at Bowser, swinging a stained femur bone at the koopa's knee. Bowser grabbed the bony club before it could make contact, however, and hurled the little scuttler against a wall. The skull shattered into pieces and spilled its slimy contents onto the floor. A few more ran at him with wands, topped with brilliant sunset shaded gemstones. With a flick of the wrist, wisps of flames trailed out of the gems and zipped Bowser's way. Bowser couldn't help but smirk as the oversized embers dissipated against his battle hardened hide.

"C'mon, guys, it's not that hard! Here, I'll show you!"

Before the scuttlers could react, Bowser drenched them with a wave of fire. He completely incinerated the little pests, only stopping to gag after getting a whiff of the stench of seared seafood. He tore through more and more scuttlers, only stopping to squash severed hands scurrying towards him. Soon, the only scuttler remaining could do naught but look up at Bowser through a single green eye. On its shoulder, it bolstered a junky misshapen cannon almost as big as its own bony body. Its tentacle legs quivered under the weight of its weapon, as though it was ready to lose its balance and topple over at any moment.

"Aw, poor little guy," Bowser teased, "You can put that thing down if you want. It's not gonna do you much good anyway."

Then the scuttler fired a Vympel R-27 missile (NATO reporting name AA-10 Alamo) out of the cannon and directly into Bowser's rib cage. Bowser was sent flying into the wall behind him, his chest bursting into a symphony of blood and shrapnel. His muscles burned from the inside out. Pain surged through him with every movement he made, but if he stayed put stuck in the wall, that scuttling scourge would fire another round. Bowser reached around for anything he could use to reach the little pain; rocks, metal bars, fuck even a candy cane would be better than nothing. By some grace of luck, he managed to rip a jagged blood-splattered scythe out of the hand of another monster. With his arm stretched out as far as it could be, he swung the scythe and speared the scuttler straight through its temple. Just as Bowser let out a sigh of relief, a shrill voice chewed him out.

"Hand that back, loser!"

The cry came from an emaciated ghoul as he snatched the scythe back out of Bowser's grasp. His sickly green skin was pulled taut over his pronounced bones, giving him a stomach turning skeletal look.

"Hey," Bowser roared, "I took that from you fair and square!"

"Oh, why didn't you say so? I'll give it right back!"

Red tendrils shot out of the ghoul's head as he started swinging his scythe wildly. Bowser tried to cartwheel out of the way, but ended up toppling over onto the ground. The ghoul took this to his advantage, landing a strike on Bowser's back. Why he thought a direct hit to Bowser's shell would be a good idea, the world may never know. Regardless, when the blade bounced off of his back, Bowser leapt into the air and dropkicked the ghoul straight in his bony jaw. The monster fell onto the floor, dropping his scythe.

"Ha! Got you-aeugh!"

Bowser was cut off by the feeling of a hot sucker punch beneath his chest. The culprit looked like a miniature cousin to the first ghoul; it must've floated in underneath Bowser's arm when he wasn't looking. It was even equipped with a tiny scythe, no larger than a spatula. Of course, once you penetrate the liver, the size of the weapon becomes pretty indistinguishable.

"Attaboy!" the ghoul captain shrieked, rising to his feet as three more baby ghouls floated into the fray, "Fetch me his soul!"

The baby ghouls began to swirl around Bowser, taking turns digging their blades into Bowser's flesh. The koopa tried swatting them away, but even if they were standing still, it'd be hard to move in the midst of this macabre round of Lingchi. There was no other option. To keep his limbs from being hacked off inch by inch, Bowser tucked himself into his shell and whirled around on the ground. The baby ghouls were blown away, squealing as they were whisked into the distance. However, when Bowser poked his head out, the ghoul captain was able to jab Bowser in the side of the neck.

"Damnit!" Bowser cracked his knuckles as he pulled the rest of his body out. "You'll pay for that you little-!"

"Wahoo!"

Before the ghoul could actually pay for that, Mario swooped in from above and stomped on his head, snapping his neck and killing him instantly. Mario performed a perfect backflip before landing on his feet, earning a rousing applause from the watching prisoners.

"Hey, I had that one!" Bowser snarled.

"All of that-a blood coming out of your liver seems to suggest otherwise."

Bowser growled as he covered up the wound in his abdomen with his hand.

"Whatever. I'll just take care of the next...guy?"

As he looked around, Bowser quickly realized that the entire horde had somehow been incapacitated.

"What...what happened? How did all of these guys get taken out?"

"I did it," Mario replied with a tip of his cap.

"What do you mean 'you did it'!? It's been, like, two minutes!"

"I-a finish levels in one."

Just then, three more ghouls leapt out from around the corner and charged at the duo, their eyes brimming with sinister intent. Mario was the first to make a run for the ghouls.

"I've-a got this!" Mario declared.

"The hell you do! I need a win today!"

Bowser clutched the wound on his stomach, ready to take off after Mario. Before he could move, though, a smooth buttery scent wafted into his nostrils. The source came from a cell to his right, its door held open as if to call Bowser inside. Within the cell, a gigantic porcelain bowl awaited, carrying several pounds of freshly steamed rice and topped off with a big puffy golden piece of tempura shrimp. If you were only basing your judgement off of size, you could've been tricked into believing a small cow had been deep fried instead.

"Ooh!" Bowser swooned as he salivated from the mouth, "Now that's a win if I've ever seen one!"

Bowser ran up to the dish, arms open and ready to take a bite. As he dug his mits into the rice, however, the tempura took the first bite. A craggy maw opened on its crust, and it bit straight through the leathery hide of Bowser's arm. Bowser screamed, feeling the breaded teeth dig straight down to the bone. He only managed to free himself thanks to some lubrication from his own blood. The tempura monster's mouth opened up, allowing a single red eye to bulge out. It burst out of the bowl, revealing the swarthy toned body attached to its underside. With a golden staff in hand, it conjured some eldritch unknowable magic and propelled it Bowser's way. Bowser only just managed to duck out of its path, and expelled more blood out of his wounds as he did so. This was starting to get dangerous, but more so, it was starting to get annoying. Before the wizard could cast another spell, Bowser leapt forward and grabbed the hilt of the staff. With one squeeze, Bowser's mighty hand was able to crush it into pieces.

If only it was that easy. As soon as his staff was destroyed, the tempura wizard reached into his rice bowl and pulled out a giant chopstick. With a swift jab, the wizard drove the chopstick into Bowser's right shoulder, pulling more cries from the wounded koopa. Bowser tried stepping out of danger to the left, only to get slashed across the face by yet another chopstick. With a firm headbutt to the wizard's crunchy head, Bowser finally managed to free himself, but he felt as though it had drained him of all the strength he had left. His legs weak and his head woozy, he watched as the wizard leapt out of the rice bowl and flew over his head, landing a perfect backflip behind him.

"Everyone does backflips now, huh?" Bowser groaned. The wizard lunged at Bowser, chopsticks in hand. A few more good hits and Bowser would be done for, he knew that to be true. But he couldn't run in a state like this. Well, if Bowser was going down, he at least wouldn't be outdone! In a last ditch effort, Bowser picked up the ghoul's scythe from the ground and used its hilt to block the wizard's attack. Now it was Bowser's turn. With one hand, he swung the blade straight for the wizard's briny head. Every swing missed, blocked by the wizard and his utensils; the wizard even managed to counter a few times by blocking with one chopstick and piercing his stomach with another. Every strike brought the wizard closer to victory, and he knew it too. When Bowser reeled back his scythe farther than before, the wizard saw an opportunity for a final blow. Deciding to take it, the wizard prepared both of his weapons and pounced on Bowser.

It was there that Bowser finally secured his triumph. While his one hand lured the wizard's attention with the scythe, the other grabbed the wizard midair by the neck. In spite of all of the injuries he'd taken, Bowser had never felt more alive than in this moment. Smoke billowed off of Bowser's skin, and his muscles surged with pure power.

"I'll show you a backflip, motherfucker!"

Pulling the wizard in close, Bowser leapt off of the ground and carried the both of them dozens of feet into the air. After a stylish backflip on his part, Bowser suplexed the wizard into the ground, shattering the floor beneath him. The tempura wizard's head cracked open and leaked a pool of butter sauce. With smoke still whirling around him, Bowser rose to his feet and pounded his chest like a gorilla.

"Yeah! Come get some! You can't touch this, assholes!"

Bowser's gloating was interrupted by a gentle thud sound behind him, like a wet rag being thrown against the wall. A strange sight greeted him when he turned around; amongst a pile of ghoul bodies, a giant piece of tempura shrimp was standing in Mario's place, bumping into the wall on a pair of stubby legs.. Bowser was about to roast the shrimp into ashes when he recognized the orange fabric on the shrimp's legs.

"Wait...that looks just like the legs of the prison jumpsuits. Could it...Mario, is that you!?"

Bowser already knew it to be true by the time he ran up to what could once be called Mario. Only Super Mario himself could leave grease shoe prints like that as he walked. Bowser grabbed the now much crunchier man and turned him away from the wall. Even then, however, Mario simply began to fall to the floor beneath the weight of his new piscine form.

"Shit! This must've been because of that tempura wizard! When I jumped out of the way of its spell, it must've hit you!" Bowser paused, hoping for a response from Mario. In his deep fried form, however, Mario could only look up at Bowser in silence. "Stomp once if you can hear me right now!"

Mario stomped his boot into the ground on command.

"Stomp twice if you can see me."

Mario stomped twice.

"Slide to the left."

Mario slid to his left.

"Slide to the right."

Mario slid to the right.

"Criss cross."

Mario kicked Bowser in his rugged shin.

"Okay, maybe that was a bit too far. Still, we're gonna have to do something with you. This type of transmutation isn't really in my field of magic, so you'll have to wait until we're all out of here to find a cure."

Bowser scooped up Mario by his crispy little tail and placed the battered Mario bro atop his shoulders. With the plumber secure, Bowser continued down the hall, leaving a trail of panko flakes as they chipped off of Mario's delectable body. Overall, a valuable lesson was learned throughout the whole encounter; never write while hungry.