In the World of Nintendo; where tragedy, murder, gore, and substance abuse all lurk around every corner; one can find it hard to hold onto an optimistic outlook. But things aren't always that bad, right? That's what Purple told himself as he and his cohort dug through broken glass and clone bodies. There's a bright side to everything. In this moment, for instance, Purple's earlier assumption was proven entirely right. When the two of them let Dr. Mario escape, Purple had claimed they were probably due for a demotion. What else could you call their current state other than a demotion? In times like these, decent foresight was a valuable asset, no? With that mindset, Purple found it easy - instinctive, even - to comment positively on their situation.
"We're dead," Purple mumbled as milky cloning goo splashed onto his face, "We are so fucking dead."
"Can you shut it?" Red asked as he scrounged around inside a broken glass tanker, "Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to keep saying it."
"I'm sorry, man, but our lives are hanging on the survivability of a cluster of cells in a glass dish that just got hurled into a planet! I mean, we are done!"
"I understand!" Red threw up his claws and slammed them against the murky glass cage. "You think I don't get it by now, after we've been in this mess since...how long has it even been since Mario broke out?"
"Let's see, the first chapter came out on the 30th...I think it's been exactly a year, actually."
"In universe, dipshit."
"Oh, uh, a few hours."
"Jesus. Let's just get back to work. Who knows how long we have until Dimentio decides he's waited long enough."
Just then, the transceivers strapped to the side of their brittle heads went off. They froze, waiting for a moment in some nugatory attempt to evade the call, but the ringing only grew more and more domineering.
"...Well," Purple said, "I guess now we know how long we have."
"Ugh, I'm gonna be sick. I need a minute outside."
Red dropped his head into his claws and shambled out of the room. The difference between being inside or outside the room was negligible, what with the walls of the room having been blown clean off during the crash, but a facsimile of a doorway was at least left standing. Purple followed Red out the door, throwing a claw on his companion's shoulder.
"Hey, man," Purple said, "we might be about to die, neither of us will die alone"
"You're right." Red turned around and embraced Purple with his lanky bug arms. "If we go out, we go out together, brother."
"This is it. This is real friendship."
"You bet it is. You're answering the call, though. If you do, maybe they'll forget I'm part of this."
"You sack of shit." Purple hit his transceiver to take the call. "Hello? Who is-"
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH!?"
Purple recoiled in pain, flinching at the ear-splitting volume of the other end of the line.
"Geez, that guy sounded pissed!" Purple said as he ripped off his transceiver. The caller was screaming so loudly, Red could hear his voice without even plugging in the device.
"Hmm...You're right about that," Red replied, "but I don't think he's pissed at us. Listen to him, he just keeps going."
As the two Zebesians continued to listen in on the broadcast, Purple's glossy insectoid eyes glew with awareness.
"Wait a minute! This sounds like that one guy who really wanted to be an Elite Pirate!"
"Upsilon? The guy who had a psychotic episode in a fighter jet and carpet bombed his own platoon? What ever happened to him?"
"I heard they just chucked him onto Tallon and told him they were gonna make him an Elite Pirate to get him to shut up. Even gave him class 3 authority. I'm sure they didn't let him actually do anything important, though. Otherwise, he'd probably end up running across the surface of Tallon in a Phazon fueled rampage, racking up billions of dollars in damaged assets along the way. That would just be so unfortunate."
"Whatever he ends up doing, I don't wanna hear about it. Turn that thing off."
After Purple silenced Upsilon's frenetic rant, Red bent down and continued to pilfer through the piles of scrap littering the ground. Purple craned his neck to peer over the wreckage of the Orpheon. Tallon IV's surface had mellowed out after the collapse of the frigate; the dust settled, allowing the sun's oppressive heat to beat down on the sand at full force. Strangely, the earth around the Orpheon had developed some tiny pits. The holes were nearly perfectly spherical, as if a giant ice cream scooper had ripped those sections of land out of the planet's crust. How oddly geometric.
Eventually, Red's digging led him to bump into a wall behind him. A drawer slid out, with a collection of glass plates rattling from its interior. Red and Purple peered inside, to find one labeled with a strip of masking tape: "Mother".
"Mother!" Purple said, "Dimentio was saying something about a mother, right?"
Red picked out the plate and inspected it with his chunky claw hand. A gelatinous film sat on the bottom of the dish, colored a shade of rusty carmine and speckled all over.
"And so," Red said, "fortune shines upon the wicked."
"The wicked? Wait...are we the bad guys?"
"...We're pirates. We murder people. We rape their women, take their money, and blow up their planets."
"I've never done anything like that!"
"Neither have I, but we're part of this organization so we're complicit."
"But I never chose to be a Space Pirate! I came out of a tube! I was literally born for this job!"
"And you're still this shitty at it. It's incredible, really."
"I refuse to take responsibility for the vile actions carried out by the Space Pirates!"
"So you've finally grown a soft spot for all of the people and planets that have had their lives ruined by the Pirates, huh?"
"What? No, fuck 'em, I just don't wanna be held accountable for it."
"Let's save accountability and other moral quandaries for after we're out of this mess. This drawer was probably some sort of an incubator, why don't you check to see if it survived the crash while I try to hit up Dimentio."
Red meandered back into the research area as he dialed into his own transceiver. The promise of freedom from his vicious cycle only made his stomach churn harder at the sight of the Orpheon's wreckage. What a delight it would be to be away from the screams of molten steel splashing onto the planet's surface, and the stench of preservatives pouring out of the clone cadavers. That having been said, one clone corpse was noticeably absent.
"Hey," Red asked, scratching his head as he stared at the tanker he was investigating earlier, "isn't it weird that there's no corpse by this tanker? The door's wide open, you would think the body would be hanging around here somewhere."
"Maybe he survived and got off this planet," Purple replied, "We should do the same."
"For the first time today, I have to say I agree. If I could, I'd just clap my hands and be off of this wreckage in the blink of an-"
Before Red could finish, his body vanished into thin air. The culture fell from the height at which Red had once been carrying it, crashing into the floor in a flurry of glass and gel. Purple poked his head into the research area to inspect the incident.
"Now that's just the antithesis of good. Hey, dude? Where you at? We got a problem here."
No one returned the call. Only the empty tanker beckoned back, continuing to dominate the room with its cavernous interior. After the aforementioned mellowing of the Orpheon, the silence of the cloning vessel bellowed louder than any dying Space Pirate. Suddenly Purple's mind returned to the pits carved into Tallon's surface. Something in his cybernetic mind insisted he had heard of this before. Chunks of the floor being ripped out. Workers disappearing in the research area. All centered around one entity, one phantom haunting the Orpheon. Finally, the pieces all slid into place, and as quickly as they did, Purple leapt as far away from the tanker as he could. His breath was shallow now, and both of his hearts pounded too hard for him to hear any of his own thoughts. The intense aura of death billowing from the tanker trapped Purple in the room, leaving him to cower before its presence. All that he could muster the will to do now was to strap on his transceiver and relay this message:
"Red alert! Red alert! Tallon IV, this is the frigate Orpheon! Subject 1-S-0 has escaped containment and is currently active on the planet's surface! Bunker down now and may God have mercy on you all…"
Dr. Mario found it charming that he at least got to have a touching chat with Toon Link before getting completely and utterly fucking obliterated by enough explosive force to make the Texas City Disaster look like a persistent case of the old industrial sniffles. While the doctor could still feel his mind being gnawed upon by the circumstances of his situation, he felt as though he could treat his discussion with Toon Link as some sort of closure upon his death. Sure, the whole death thing was a problem in and of itself, but there wasn't much Dr. Mario could do about it beyond clamping his eyes shut and preparing for death as their vessel plummeted into the canyon below.
And yet no such gruesome end met with the doctor. That's how it seemed, at least. Perhaps death felt a lot less painful than one might assume. After all, he was encased in the all encompassing darkness that was commonly associated with the passing of one's soul. Once he opened up his eyes, however, he found himself chained back to his mortal coil. Him and Toon had somehow ended up out of the ship and in a dimly lit cavern. Well, not entirely out of the ship; the bottom half of the vessel rested on the cave floor beneath them, carved out along an unnaturally perfect curve.
"Huh," Toon Link said as he rose to his feet, dusting off his charred black tunic, "Yeah, I can't take credit for this one. This was entirely random."
"Oh great. Where are we now? How did we-a get here?"
Dr. Mario would've whined more if he had the air to, but no matter how many breaths he took, he felt his oxygen reserves shriveling at an exponential rate. The two were being smothered by an artificial blue light, shedding as much warmth as the hug of a distant parent. A pulsing crystalline ooze radiated the light as it seeped from the cracks in the walls. This must've been the Phazon that Space Pirate was talking about. And now here it was, ready to engulf them both from every direction.
"No idea, but wherever we are," Toon replies, "there isn't a canyon rapidly approaching us from below or a Space Pirate violently molesting our ride with an absolute orchestra of Phazon powered weaponry. You gotta admit, our situation has improved."
"Even if it has, it-a doesn't feel like it. It-a still feels like we're-a staring down those grenades. Like I'm-a still in that moment - that I'm about to be blown to pieces - but-a my mind has been frozen, or-a drastically slowed, and I'm experiencing that-a brief second of fear stretched out indefinitely."
Dr. Mario pushed himself off of the ground and began to stumble backwards, with his vision trailing a few seconds behind his movement. Only when Toon placed a hand on the doctor's shoulder did the latter stabilize and allow his sight and his motion to resynchronize.
"Doc, Doc! Look, grappling with the existentially depressing nature of our creation is fun and all, but it doesn't usually seem to get us moving very far, right? Wouldn't it be nice to move as far away from this shithole as possible? How about we just repress this all for a second until we can describe our despair with some fresh oxygen. Or whatever this planet's atmosphere is made of."
"Right. You're-a right. Let's-a focus on getting out of here. But where exactly is-a 'here'? Do you recognize this-a place?"
The two scanned the scene, but it was a fruitless endeavor; the light radiating from the Phazon was nearly blinding, especially to the inflated orbs Toon called his eyes.
"Can't see much more than rock," Toon noted as he rubbed his eyes, "All this sickeningly neon light is blinding. It's like someone's peeing in my eyes, except this time it's blue."
"Well-a try investigating with your other senses."
Toon sat down and mulled over this advice for a second. He then leaned down and licked the floor beneath him, getting a brief taste of the salty ions laced within the minerals below before Dr. Mario stopped him.
"What are you doing!?" the doctor cried.
"Investigating. Hmm...I'm getting some notes of dolomite from this sediment."
As Dr. Mario grimaced down at his eccentric friend, he came to notice a rumbling sound quietly dripping through the walls. With a cupped hand to his ear, the doctor stepped around their cavernous habitat, following the noise. It soon became clear that the source of the sound was mechanical in nature; the sharp groans and pangs reverberating through the stone were unmistakable as metal. Dr. Mario eventually found the strongest point of the noise to be a tunnel bored straight through the wall, just wide enough for his portly form to squeeze through.
"Someone's been-a digging into this cave? Maybe this hole leads to a Phazon mine. If-a so, it can-a lead us to the surface! Toon, come over here-!"
Dr. Mario turned around with a smile gracing his face as he gave Toon the good news. As he swiveled around, however, he found Toon Link once again licking the floor.
"What the fuck are you doing!?" Dr. Mario cried.
"...Investigating."
"Haven't you investigated enough!?"
"My investigations have led to the discovery that my new favorite food is dolomite."
"Just-a get over here and start crawling through this-a hole."
Toon waddled over to the hole, though not before pocketing a shard of dolomite for later. He slid right in with Dr. Mario wiggling in tow.
"Because this is all-a we do right?" Dr. Mario continued, "Just-a crawl through vents, fight a monster, jump to a new planet, fight a Space Pirate, crawl through a tunnel, ad nauseum. Can't-a wait to see how much crawling we'll-a do on the next planet. My feet are-a still killing me from carrying you, so maybe we can chop them off since I'm-a not gonna...use them...phew."
Dr. Mario's rant forced him to drop down and try to catch his breath the best he could. Toon Link stayed behind and peered at the sorry doctor through his own splayed legs.
"You never know," Toon said, "maybe we'll be crawling on a nice planet next time."
"On-a what type of 'nice' planet do you have to crawl?"
"I dunno, a limbo planet, a Twister planet, a planet inhabited by really polite dwarves where the doors are all three feet tall. The universe is vast, man."
"And-a yet we end up here. Boiling sands, tight caves, and-a not a single approachable lifeform on-a the miserable rock."
"I think you're pretty approachable, if it means anything."
"You do?"
"No, not really. But I like ya anyways."
Doc and Toon kept squirming through the tunnel, rising to their feet when the tunnel widened enough for them to do so. Their eyes soon adjusted to the Phazon's light, and they began to make out what lied on the other side of the tunnel. Glass fixtures had been built into the stone walls, feeding thick cables through them to attach to heavy machinery. One piece of tech in particular - a massive drill pointed down the tunnel - stared Toon and the doctor down, warning them about where they chose to tread. Toon blissfully skipped towards the exit of the tunnel, but Dr. Mario held his hand out to keep his friend back.
"Someone-a made this hole. Let's-a tread carefully."
Toon nodded and pulled out his bow. With an arrow drawn in Toon's bow and a chemical capsule in Dr. Mario's hand, the two poked their heads out of the tunnel. Three of Tallon's reptilian Space Pirates were huddled around some sort of drilling machinery with their backs turned to the daring duo. Sneaking by wasn't an option as they blocked off the only door in the area. Toon didn't seem to mind, smirking as he aimed his bow.
"This is where the fun begins."
Toon released his arrow, lodging it deep into the neck of the most unfortunate Space Pirate. It screeched in pain as its cohorts jumped to the offensive. Volleys of plasma shots were lobbied at the two, but Toon Link pulled his shield out and blocked them all. This had cost him his drawstring hand, however; with it occupied, the wounded Space Pirate unsheathed a glowing sword of light and charged at the Hylian. Toon tried to guard with his shield, but the sword melted straight through it and carved a gash into Toon's cheek. Dr. Mario leapt in and smashed his capsule into the Pirate's head. The reptilian's eyes flickered as they melted out of their sockets, leaving the corpse blind as it collapsed onto the ground.
Before the body could even hit the floor, however, Dr. Mario was knocked down by another energy blast. The green shot paralyzed his muscles, leaving his flesh stiff and brittle. As he tried to back away from his attacker, his rigid skin split open, filling his nose with the scent of blood from the inside out. The Space Pirate tackled the doctor to the ground. Dr. Mario just barely held the beast back by its wrists, but the Pirate's snapping jaws only got closer and closer.
"Doc! I got ya!"
Toon whipped out his hookshot and shot it at Dr. Mario's aggressor, but the other Pirate leapt in the way and snatched the chain with its claws. It tugged Toon off balance and proceeded to pummel the poor boy with the talons on its feet. Now on his own, Dr. Mario glanced around to find an escape route. There was plenty of space to roll to either side, but he doubted he'd get very far before the Pirate above would scoop off his face like wet sand. The thick drool splattering down onto him made that clear to him. As he looked to his right, however, he saw hilt to the sword Toon just had to fend off. He'd have to let one of the Pirate's hands go free to grab it, but surely, he could do so quickly enough for it not to matter. Releasing the Pirate's bony wrist, Dr. Mario yoinked the blade off of the ground and drove it into the Space Pirate's jaw! But alas, this proved to do no more than gently disturb the creature; the actual blade itself had disappeared, leaving the hilt as nothing more than a blunt piece of steel. With its now free hand, the Pirate gripped the doctor's throat and clamped it shut, digging its claws in so as to tear out the flesh. Dr. Mario tried to force his lungs to sneak in some air, but with his already limited supplies running out, it wasn't long before his vision started to go blurry.
With a flick of Dr. Mario's wrist, the blade shot out like a beam of light and speared the Space Pirate through its head. It dropped down onto the doctor, pinning him to the floor beneath its scaly plated corpse. He retracted the blade and flung the hilt at Toon, who was still being battered by the last Pirate.
"Toon! Catch!"
Toon caught the sword and hacked off one of his attacker's feet. The Pirate toppled over, allowing Toon to pounce on it and press the hilt against its chest. Before the Pirate could prepare another plasma shot, Toon flicked the hilt and uttered his parting words through a steely grimace.
"Whoopsie doo, here comes the goo."
The blade sliced cleanly through the carapace of the Space Pirate, allowing the aforementioned goo to come spilling out of its thorax. A fountain of yellow blood and guts coated Toon's body; the Pirate's final clutch for life before its unholy figure collapsed to the ground. Toon rolled onto the floor, lying next to his friend as they both caught their breath.
"Here comes the goo. Really?" Dr. Mario asked as he shoved the corpse off of him.
"Look, dude, they're not all gonna be zingers. I still got him."
"I-a got two."
"Yeah, sure, if by 'I' you mean 'you' - 'you' of course referring to me."
"You only got that-a one guy."
"And not the guy with a fucking arrow kissing his trachea?"
"I-a finished him."
"He was gonna die anyway! You just sped up the process! It's the classic pickle jar argument. If I loosen the jar and then you pop the lid clean off, which one of us truly freed the gherkin?"
"Shut your mouth and-a take this," Dr. Mario said as he handed Toon a healing sprout, "Doctor's orders."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You run one successful IV and you think you're Jesus healing the cripples."
As Toon Link stuck the healing sprout orb onto his cheek, Dr. Mario thought about his self performed operation. In all of the time that had passed since then, he had yet to feel any better for it. To the contrary, as his sore muscles healed from the Space Pirate blast, his senses could isolate a stabbing pain now accumulating deep in his chest. Dr. Mario rolled onto his side and pulled out Monita.
"I'm-a not sure that it was successful, Toon. Monita, where can we-a go to perform another IV?"
"PERFORMING AN UNNECESSARY ADDITIONAL INFUSION IS NOT RECOMMENDED; AN EXCESS OF INTRALIPID COULD LEAD TO LIPID OVERLOAD SYNDROME."
"But I-a still have cardiotoxicity!" Dr. Mario sat up straight, perhaps a bit too quickly for his aching chest.
"ARE YOU STILL EXPERIENCING TINNITUS?"
"Well...no."
"WHAT ABOUT FACIAL TINGLING, OR NUMBNESS AROUND THE MOUTH?"
"No, not-a really."
"YOU ARE REGISTERING AS HIGHLY ASYMPTOMATIC FOR CARDIOTOXICITY. THERE IS A STRONG PROBABILITY THAT THE INFUSION WAS COMPLETELY SUCCESSFUL."
"But what about this anxiety, then?"
"ANALYZING...REVIEWING MY CATALOGUE SINCE MY ACTIVATION, I HAVE FOUND SEVERAL EVENTS THAT COULD HAVE LED TO DAMAGE TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. YOUR ENCOUNTER WITH THE PARASITE QUEEN, THE CRITICAL FAILURE OF THE ORPHEON, AND HAVING TO PERFORM YOUR OWN INTRAVENOUS THERAPY WITHOUT ANY MEDICAL EXPERIENCE ARE ALL REASONABLE CAUSES FOR FEELINGS OF ANXIETY."
"Well-a how do we cure it?"
"ANXIETY IS AN EMOTION. EMOTIONS ARE NOT TYPICALLY 'CURED' AS MUCH AS THEY ARE 'PROCESSED'. IT IS POSSIBLE YOU HAVE AN UNDERLYING ANXIETY DISORDER THAT CAN BE TREATED, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO STUDY YOUR BEHAVIOR FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS BEFORE DETERMINING THE PROBABILITY."
Dr. Mario squeezed the tablet until his hands went numb. What a grain of salt in his wounds this was; all of the grief he'd survived for the past couple of hours, and now he was being told there was no answer? He wanted to raise his fist and pound against the rocky walls of his confines, but every twinge of resistance his heart pushed out only made his surroundings tighten their embrace.
"So I'm just stuck-a like this!? Until I can-a 'deal with it' or whatever!? It's-a getting worse by the second? I can barely-a breathe now, and I feel so weak. My-a chest has this splitting sensation digging between my bones; it's-a like I'm tearing myself part!"
"SHORTNESS OF BREATH, LIGHTHEADEDNESS, AND CHEST PAIN HAVE ALL BEEN RECOGNIZED AS NEW SYMPTOMS APART FROM YOUR ANXIETY. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO PERFORM ANOTHER DIAGNOSIS WITH THIS LIST?"
"Sure, why not. I-a can't wait to see what's-a gonna give me a cardiac arrest this time."
"ANALYZING SYMPTOMS...HIGHLY PROBABLY MATCH FOUND: AIR EMBOLISM."
"Embolism?" Toon asked, "Is that bad? Internet reception wasn't great on the Orpheon, but any words I ever heard online ending with '-ism' weren't good."
"THIS IS GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS. AN AIR EMBOLISM IS A BUBBLE OF AIR LODGED WITHIN A BLOOD VESSEL OR HEART. THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THIS BUBBLE, IF PRESENT IN YOUR CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM, WOULD BE CURRENTLY BLOCKING YOUR BLOOD SUPPLY."
"What!?" Dr. Mario exclaimed, "How is there-a good news!?"
"THE GOOD NEWS IS, AS YOU HAD PREVIOUSLY EXPRESSED DESIRE TO HEAR, YOU ARE INDEED AT RISK OF CARDIAC ARREST."
"Toon, I'm-a gonna brick this thing, I swear to God."
"How did this happen?" Toon asked.
"MY CATALOGUE SUGGESTS THAT THE MOST PROBABLE CAUSE WAS THE INTRAVENOUS INFUSION YOU USED TO TREAT YOUR CARDIOTOXICITY. THE AIR LIKELY ENTERED YOUR VEINS THROUGH THE CATHETER."
"Hey, it was probably when we fell down into that pit! Your catheter snapped open."
"Of course. Of course it-a was the IV. I-a try to escape captivity, and I-a break my foot. I-a drug the pain away, and I overdose. I use an IV to cure the overdose, and I-a pump a bubble into my veins. What a doctor I am."
Dr. Mario sighed as he dropped back down onto the floor, sending another jolt of pain through his abdomen.
"Every doctor in training has to make a few mistakes. Monita, what do we do to fix this one?"
"THE BEST OPTION FOR REMOVING THE EMBOLISM WOULD BE USING HYPERBARIC OXYGEN THERAPY, BUT THE EQUIPMENT NECESSARY FOR THE PROCEDURE CANNOT BE FOUND ON TALLON IV."
"Well we can't exactly wait until we get off the planet. Can the healing sprout get rid of it?"
"THIS IS UNLIKELY. THE SAP PRODUCED BY THE HEALING SPROUT HAS ONLY BEEN OBSERVED REPAIRING PHYSICAL CELLULAR DAMAGE. THE SAP CONTAINS NATURAL SURPLUSES OF ATP, AND THUS MIGHT BE ABLE TO STAVE OFF OXYGEN DEPRIVATION VIA A SERIES OF DEEP BODY INJECTIONS; EVEN THEN, HOWEVER, THE EMBOLISM WOULD STILL REMAIN INTACT. WHILE SPEAKING OF WAYS TO MANAGE THE EMBOLISM, PLACING THE SUBJECT IN THE TRENDELENBURG POSITION SHOULD PREVENT THE EMBOLISM FROM ENTERING THE HEART AND MIGHT ALLOW BLOOD TO FLOW BENEATH THE BUBBLE."
"The what position?"
"THE TRENDELENBURG POSITION, WHERE THE BODY IS LAID FLAT ON THE BACK ON A 15-30 DEGREE INCLINE WITH THE FEET ELEVATED ABOVE THE HEAD."
An oddly specific pose, the both of them thought. For all of the machinery that was littered around the area, nothing seemed suitable for carrying a person flat, let alone at an angle. Everything was jagged and rusted, bent at far too many angles to count. A lot of it had been broken into small pieces too; only the drill pointed into the tunnel had endured the test of time and remained larger than Dr. Mario himself.
"Wait, that'll be perfect!" Toon decided.
"What?"
"That drill!"
"And it'll be perfect for-a what? Killing me?"
"No! Well, hypothetically, it would, but it'll also be good for laying you down! The drill bit is angled! We'll strap your head to the point and your feet to the base, it'll be perfect! Just gotta make sure to not turn it on."
"Can I offer some constructive criticism?"
"Sure."
"That's-a stupid."
"Describe a choice we've made over the course of the past few hours that you would consider smart."
Without hesitation, Dr. Mario rose from the ground and climbed atop the drilling machine. The grooves of the drill carved their way into his back, but he couldn't consider it that big of a downgrade from lying on the jagged stone floor.
"See?" Toon Link said through a smile, "Now we're that much closer to fixing you up. Next up, uh...how are you feeling?"
"My chest still-a hurts. My back still-a hurts. My soul still-a hurts. Agh, now my foot's-a starting to hurt."
"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that your foot is still horribly maimed."
"I was forgetting that-a too until ten seconds ago."
"Then let's fix it! It's Dr. Toon time, baby!"
Dr. Toon Link, his wounds now fully healed, plucked the healing sprout off of his skin and reached over to remove Dr. Mario's shoe. It soon became apparent, however, that Dr. Mario had no shoes; his spandex suit stretched down and concealed his feet entirely.
"Hey Doc, would you mind taking off the get up? I need skin contact."
"I can-a try. I hope I've got clothes on underneath all-a this."
Dr. Mario pulled off his lab coat and ran his hands over the suit in search of anything resembling a zipper or a button. There were plenty of knobs and nodes that looked as though they could serve a similar purpose, but all of them proved to do anything but; one dropped the fabric's temperature to an icy chill, one caused a puff of lavender smelling air freshener to release from ports on his shoulders, and one tightened the suit in all of the most unfortunate places.
"Well, this is riveting and all," Toon said, "but at this rate, we're better off waiting for that bubble to pop then we are waiting for you to get naked. I propose that we accelerate the process."
"By all-a means, what do you suggest?"
Toon raised his sword and flicked out the blade.
"Toon."
"Hear me out, hear me out."
"Toon, stop."
"I'm just gonna cut off the spandex on the bottom of your feet."
"Fanculo, what if you cut off my foot!?"
"We can fix that."
"We-a can't fix that!"
"WE CAN FIX THAT."
"Che cazzo!"
Dr. Mario clasped a hand over his eyes as Toon swung the blade and sliced the suit open. In spite of the doctor's protest, however, Toon's swing hadn't removed a cell of the former's skin. With the doctor's foot now bare, Toon slapped on the sprout, tickling Dr. Mario's sensitive sole.
"See, Doc? Nothing to fear. Swordsmanship is in my blood. Probably accompanied by tetanus with all of the broken metal we've been stepping over."
"Well-a next time, give me more time to brace myself. I'd-a like to have a calm mind when you end up hacking off my-a foot."
"Oh boo hoo, pussy boy. We could have probably just stuck the fucking thing back on with this plant goo if we had to."
What Toon had intended to be a passing dismissal instead clung to his train of thought. Even though he had even less medical expertise than his friend, Toon suddenly had an idea to remedy the doctor's affliction. It would probably be a little...controversial, but it was worth entertaining.
"Hey, uh, Monita," Toon asked, "could we really have just slapped his foot back on? Hypothetically?"
"WITH ENOUGH SAP FROM A HEALING SPROUT, COMPLETE REATTACHMENT OF A SEVERED LIMB IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE."
"Okay...anyway, is there any way for us to find out where exactly that embolism is?"
"THE BEST OPTION FOR LOCATING THE EMBOLISM WOULD BE WITH THE USE OF A DOPPLER ULTRASOUND. MOST INFIRMARIES ON TALLON IV ARE EQUIPPED WITH A WIRELESS DOPPLER ULTRASOUND PROBE."
"And where's the nearest infirmary?"
"INDETERMINABLE. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE WE ARE."
"Now you know how we've been feeling."
"OUR RECEPTION IS VERY POOR IN OUR CURRENT LOCATION; WE ARE LIKELY CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM OF A PHAZON MINE. HOWEVER, SHOULD YOU PLUG ME INTO ONE OF THE MANY TERMINALS LOCATED IN THESE MINES, I WOULD THEN BE ABLE TO FIND OUR LOCATION WITHOUT NEEDING A NETWORK CONNECTION."
"Got it. Doc, let me see Monita for a bit. I'm gonna go find one of those terminals."
"What's-a the plan?" Dr. Mario asked as he passed the tablet over to his bite-sized buddy.
"We'll go over that when I get back, okay? Just hang tight and loosen up while I'm gone."
"But what if someone-a comes?"
"I dunno, kill 'em, I guess. You took out that giant cockroach looking motherfucker, you can handle some more bug boys." Toon Link activated his beam sword and twirled it around like a baton. "Besides, the only way in or out of this place is through that door. You really think anyone's getting past Toon Link and a lightsaber in one piece?"
While his nerves remained just as tense as ever, Dr. Mario smiled at Toon's plucky confidence before lying back down. Toon put away his beam sword, and sauntered out the door.
All of the mine shafts that followed looked identical to the first. Metal tubes were strewn inconveniently across the floor, and tooth marks had been thoroughly engraved in the stone walls. Toon Link concluded that Tallon IV's breed of reptilian brained Space Pirates must've been responsible for construction this deep in the mines. He'd never built a tunnel, though, so he decided he didn't have much room to judge.
"So what exactly does this terminal look like?" Toon asked his computerized companion.
Monita displayed a picture of one of the terminals; a short metal pike built into what appeared to be a stalagmite. It stood in the center of a giant empty chamber, but Toon's eyes were drawn to some stray aliens captured by the fringes of the image. They were gelatinous blobs, with no eyes or hands to speak of; only a few fangs poking out from beneath their squishy body.
"Woah, woah, what are those things in the air?"
"THOSE ARE A TALLON IV VARIETY OF METROIDS, PARASITIC LIFEFORMS ORIGINATING FROM SR-388. MANY OF THEM HAVE POPULATED THESE CAVERNS."
"And are they gonna...kill me or something?"
"STANDARD SPACE PIRATE EQUIPMENT IS COATED IN A SYNTHESIZED METROID DETERRENT. AS LONG AS IT HASN'T BEEN PARTICULARLY AGITATED, ANY METROID THAT YOU ENCOUNTER SHOULD AVOID YOU."
"But I'm not a Space Pirate."
Monita's display went blank, and her speakers fell silent. Toon shook the machine to provoke a response, but got nothing.
"You mad at me, Momo? Was it something I said?"
"I AM CURRENTLY REVIEWING MY PROTOCOLS. I WAS CREATED FOR THE EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE OF ASSISTING SPACE PIRATE PERSONNEL."
"I'm kinda Space Pirate Personnel. I was born on the Orpheon, after all. Why would they put me on their spaceship if they didn't want me looking at their stuff?"
"ANY NEGLIGENCE ON BEHALF OF THE ORPHEON'S CREW DOES NOT ACT AS SUFFICIENT VERIFICATION FOR YOUR STATUS AS SPACE PIRATE PERSONNEL."
"But you owe us! If it weren't for us, you would've blown up on the Orpheon!"
"MY DEBT TO YOU DOES NOT ACT AS SUFFICIENT VERIFICATION FOR YOUR STATUS AS SPACE PIRATE PERSONNEL."
"Aha! So you admit you owe us!"
"MY DEBT TO YOU - ASSUMING THAT IT EXISTS - DOES NOT-"
"Yeah, yeah, sufficient verification." Toon Link huffed and rolled his eyes. "If it really matters that much, you should've said something when we found you."
"...VERY WELL. BASED ON BOTH MY OWN PROTOCOLS AND YOUR MOST RECENT OBSERVATION, I WILL CONTINUE TO OPERATE WITHIN MY PREVIOUS PARAMETERS."
"Wait, that worked? I was just trying to be petty."
"YOU SUCCEEDED IN THAT DEPARTMENT AS WELL."
Eventually, the shaft led into the center of a massive auditorium that had been dug into the cave itself. A rickety metal bridge branched out of the shaft's exit, swaying over the Phazon network occupying the bottom of the pit. Most of the bridge's support relied on a stone spike shooting out from the pit's floor and spearing the bridge through the middle, and at the top of this spike was none other than a terminal. Toon would've wasted no time in strapping Monita in if it weren't for the bundle of Metroids that had roosted by the terminal's base. Even with their lack of eyes, the Metroids clearly had their interest piqued by the Hylian's presence. Before Toon had even stepped onto the bridge, the Metroids all sprung into the air, their internal organs blinking hypnotically. The largest Metroid of the bunch let out a strained hiss as it started to float in Toon's direction.
"Monita, do you have a video camera built into you?"
"AFFIRMATIVE. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO RECORD SOMETHING?"
"Yeah, I want proof when I tell Doc Mario about all the gang shit I'm about to do."
Toon whipped out his beam sword and held it out before him. The sword's crackling electricity made his hairs stand on end, and yet it struggled to match the energy bubbling inside of Toon himself. The Hylian was determined to do more than just win; he'd cut down the Metroids before they could give him a single scratch. But when the Metroid got just within the blade's reach, the parasite paused in the air in silent observation. Without an initial transgression, Toon suddenly felt far less determination in delivering a fatal blow, so he waited for the Metroid to make the first move. The first move never came. Instead, the Metroid turned around and hovered back to its resting place by the terminal, joined by its alien brothers.
"...Are they gonna attack me or what?" Toon asked as he sheathed his sword.
"LIKELY NOT, IT SEEMS. METROIDS POSSESS A CERTAIN DEGREE OF INTELLIGENCE; IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THESE METROIDS HAVE ESTIMATED YOUR NUTRIENT DENSITY AND DETERMINED YOUR LIFE ENERGY TO NOT BE WORTH THE TROUBLE."
"What's wrong with my nutrient density!?"
"BASED ON WHAT I HAVE SEEN OF YOU IN THE RECORDING I JUST CAPTURED, I WOULD ASSUME THE PROBLEM IS MOST LIKELY YOUR STUNTED GROWTH."
"Stunted growth!? I'm like 5'11"! Roughly."
Toon Link slunk around the resting Metroids, avoiding their wrath as he plugged Monita into the terminal. And yet with the conflict resolved peacefully, Toon's response was to droop his shoulders and sigh.
"So much for the gang shit. I was really hyped to kill these things."
"IF IT WOULD BE PREFERABLE, YOU STILL COULD."
"I mean sure, I could, but it wouldn't be right to strike down these creatures if they don't attack me first. Would it? They are parasites though. Monita, can you calculate how much moral integrity I would lose if I took out these little bean bags?"
"SUCH CALCULATIONS ARE NOT WITHIN MY FUNCTIONAL CAPACITY. IF IT MEANS ANYTHING, HOWEVER, ANY SPACE PIRATE ON TALLON IV'S NETWORK CAN VIEW BOTH THE CURRENT LOCATIONS OF ALL OTHER SPACE PIRATES AND WHICH TERMINALS ARE CURRENTLY BEING USED. WHEN THE OTHERS REALIZE THAT NO SPACE PIRATES WERE IN THIS ROOM WHEN THE TERMINAL WAS ACTIVATED, YOU COULD POTENTIALLY HAVE A VAST QUANTITY OF TARGETS TO KILL WITHOUT LOSING ANY MORAL INTEGRITY."
"Ahaha, oh Momo, you've finally found a sense of humor! Hahaha, hahahaha...hahaha...ha."
"..."
"...Fuck."
Pylons situated around the crater flickered to life with a dull yellow light, reminiscent of distant stars. The lights seemed to roll around the room, all eventually settling on the end of the bridge Toon had yet to explore. The door at the end whirred as Monita prodded its inner circuitry. Toon, in response, straightened his stance and raised his sword.
"I'M OPENING THE DOOR NOW. THE INFIRMARY WILL BE TO YOUR LEFT SHORTLY AFTER PASSING THROUGH; ALL YOU'LL NEED FOR THE ULTRASOUND IS A HANDHELD TRANSDUCER AND A CONTAINER OF ULTRASOUND GEL."
"Roger that. Crack open that door, Monita - I'm ready for anything."
The door slid open, screeching as it peeled back to reveal its contents. A wave of sand poured out, dumping out onto the bridge and trickling into the pit beneath them. Even after a few hundred pounds of sand rolled out, Toon still couldn't see through to the other side.
"Yeah, in retrospect, I guess saying you're 'ready for anything' kinda sets you up for failure."
Toon ran up to the sand pile and scooped himself a handful of silica. With a hearty crunch, he shoved the whole handful into his tiny maw.
"Mmm...hmm...yeah, no, definitely no dolomite in this batch. Monita, how did all this sand get in here? Are we close to the surface?"
"WE ARE APPROXIMATELY 3.67 KILOMETERS FROM TALLON IV'S SURFACE. HOWEVER, WHILE CONNECTED TO THE TERMINAL, I FOUND AN ALERT THAT WAS SENT ACROSS TALLON IV A FEW MINUTES AGO. SUBJECT 1-S-0 SURVIVED THE CRITICAL FAILURE OF THE ORPHEON AND IS NOW TRAVELLING UNCONTAINED SOMEWHERE ON TALLON IV. MASS EXCAVATION AND TELEPORTATION OF SURROUNDING TERRAIN, WHICH COULD EXPLAIN THE PRESENCE OF SAND THIS DEEP IN THE MINES, ARE BOTH TYPICAL OF SUBJECT 1-S-0."
"Teleportation? That would explain how Doc and I ended up down here. But who is Subject 1-S-0?"
"THAT INFORMATION IS CURRENTLY CLASSIFIED. IT WILL REQUIRE CLASS 2 AUTHORITY OR HIGHER TO CLEAR."
"C'mon, Momo, you gotta give me something!"
"I CAN SAY THAT THE USER IDENTIFIED AS 'DOC MARIO' ASKED ABOUT SUBJECT 1-S-0 ON THE ORPHEON AFTER YOU WERE RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS."
"Oh yeah, I remember that! I tapped that glass tanker and then whatever was in there knocked me out. And it uh...it was this guy that was in the tanker, wasn't it?"
"CORRECT."
"And he probably doesn't like us too much since I tapped the glass and Doc shattered the tanker."
"THE PROBABILITY IS HIGH."
"So now we got a mercenary, an elite pirate, and a telekinetic clone out for us on this planet. This oughta be interesting. Let's just get that ultrasound and get back to Doc."
Toon dug his hand back into the sand, probing for air on the other side. Even with his arm shoulder deep, however, the sand just kept on coming.
"Is the only way to get to the infirmary by digging through this dirt?"
"YOU COULD TRY TO DIG THROUGH THE STONE INSTEAD."
"Never change, Monita. Never change."
Dr. Mario, slowly dying like he usually was, twiddled his thumbs as he awaited Toon's return. He'd tried counting the cracks in the roof to pass the time, but this proved futile once the room started to spin. Whether it was a result of the blood pooling in his head or the bubble in his vein was ultimately irrelevant. That's what he told himself at least, hoping it'd keep him from thinking about it. Whether or not the thought was on his mind, however, his body knew it to be true. His flesh shook harder with every passing second, leaving him trembling at any trivial sound that happened to echo throughout the cave. The sound of footsteps scurrying towards him particularly brought his heartbeat to a grinding halt. Only when he saw Toon Link return through the door could Dr. Mario calm himself down from the brink of a heart attack.
"Hey hey hey! Ready to find an embolism?" Toon asked as he waved around a chunky remote. Dr. Mario nodded as he clutched a hand over his heart.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"Monita, how do we use this thing?"
"WE MUST FIRST CONFIRM THAT THE SUBJECT IS PREPARED FOR THE PROCEDURE. HAS THE SUBJECT CONSUMED A NICOTINE PRODUCT WITHIN THE PAST TWO HOURS?"
"Unfortunately not," Dr. Mario grumbled.
"WE SHOULD BE OKAY TO PROCEED. HAVE THE SUBJECT REMOVE ALL CLOTHING ON THE AREA TO BE TESTED."
Toon Link took out his beam sword and prepared to ignite it. Dr. Mario pushed Toon's hand away, however, as he opened up his spandex suit to reveal his upper arms.
"I-a figured out how to open it while you were gone."
"You better learn to trust me with this thing quick, Doc, or you're not gonna like my plan. What next, Monita?"
The technological assistant guided the two through the rest of the ultrasound. After a thorough application of the ultrasound gel and half an hour of rubbing the transducer against Dr. Mario's pudgy flesh, Monita was able to pinpoint the embolism in the midpoint of the doctor's upper arm.
"Well, there it is, I suppose," Dr. Mario said, "So, Toon, what's-a the plan now?"
Toon said nothing as he pocketed the transducer. Dr. Mario watched Toon's eyes as Toon studied him; the Hylian's gaze was unbroken yet sympathetic, as if he were watching a dying pet get laid to rest.
"Toon?" Dr. Mario asked, his heart rate picking up again, "There is a plan, right?"
"Yeah," Toon replied, "but I wanna go over it with you. I don't want you to be caught off guard like when I opened your suit earlier."
"What is there to be caught off-a guard by?"
"Well, I feel like you're not gonna like my plan."
"That was a given, but it can't be-a that bad, right?"
Toon pulled out the beam sword and popped out its electrifying blade.
"I'm gonna cut off your arm to pop the embolism."
Dr. Mario went silent for a moment. His skin descended to a ghostly shade of white, and coated itself in a sheen of sweat. Toon, not entirely surprised, prepared himself to explain his plan to the doctor. To his surprise, however, the doctor extended his arm towards Toon's waiting blade.
"Be quick about it," Dr. Mario said.
"You mean it?" Toon asked. "That easily?"
"Well, I obviously don't-a want to do this. But I don't have any other ideas. Besides, if anyone had to do this, I'd-a want it to be you."
Toon stared at his friend through glistening eyes. The doctor returned his gaze, confirming his words with a wavering smile.
"Thanks for trusting me, Doc. I promise I got you. It'll be quick. Just, uh...try to keep your chin up, y'know?"
If only either of them did have their chin up. If they had, they might have been able to roll out of the way as the roof caved in above them. Rocks and Phazon peppered the two, sending the doctor to the floor and nearly burying Toon. Standing over them atop the debris was none other than the pursuant who had chased them into these mines; Upsilon, the Omega Pirate.
"BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER! OMEGA PIRATE IN THE HOUSE, BITCH!"
A quick glance made it clear that his body hadn't taken a liking to his new Phazon enhancements. Even compared to your run of the mill Space Pirate, Upsilon's anatomy had been severely distorted. Blue growths had begun to form around his joints. The abscesses had a crystalline luster to them, and yet they stretched and festered as if ready to burst with their radioactive puss. His arms had bloated and then hardened; while they looked difficult to maneuver, they were surely perfect for tearing through bodies. His face had received the worst of it, undoubtedly. Upsilon's lower jaw was slowly splitting in two, and yet as the two halves squirmed against every word he spoke, he hardly seemed to notice.
Upsilon stomped on Toon's head with his scaly foot and raised his arm blade into the air for a devastating blow. Dr. Mario, after scrambling to throw on his coat, attempted to subdue the pirate by hurling some capsules at him, but Upsilon simply swatted them away and fired a grenade in return. Dr. Mario rolled to the side, just missing direct contact with the bomb, but the ensuing explosion still scorched the left side of his body and threw him into a wall. It was a brief distraction, but it bought enough time for Toon to pull out his hookshot and latch it onto a piece of mining equipment. He pulled himself out from beneath Upsilon's foot; not without taking a gash from the latter's talon to the back of the neck, however.
"Doc!" Toon called, clutching his wound as he scurried to the door leading to the terminal, "Over here!"
Dr. Mario pushed himself up to his feet and tried to stumble past Upsilon towards the door. With every step he took, however, Upsilon managed to lurch forward and cut off his path. Soon, another grenade was fired. The doctor dodged again, and was still seared all the same. Even if it weren't for his accumulating burns, in this discombobulated state, he could only prance around Upsilon's attacks for so long. Toon realized this as he watched the doctor fumbling around, trying to apply some more healing sprout in the midst of the Space Pirate's fury. Without a moment's hesitation, Toon shot his Hookshot at the doctor, missing his side by a few inches. Instinctively, Dr. Mario grabbed the chain, and Toon whipped his companion over to the exit before Upsilon could retaliate. The two then bolted down the shaft, with the Space Pirate so hot in pursuit, his sulfuric breath moistened the backs of their necks.
"How did he-a find us!?" Dr. Mario asked.
"It was the terminal!" Toon replied, "We had to tap into one to find the transducer, and Monita says the Space Pirates are constantly monitoring them. That asshole must have seen it and chased us down here!"
"So-a what now? Anywhere down this-a shaft for us to run?"
"No dice, Doc. We're gonna hit a door packed with sand. That's mostly what took me so long; I was digging through that sand, and I barely managed to dig a hole big enough for me to crawl through. We won't even be able to scrape through an inch of that before we get bum-rushed."
"Well if we can't run away from-a him, all we can-a do is get him to run away from us. Maybe we could-a scare him?"
"That guy's gotta be overdosed on Phazon right now. There's no scaring a man on a drug induced rampage, Doc."
"OVERDOSING ON PHAZON," Monita explained, "IS A POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR YOUR ASSAILANT'S ERRATIC BEHAVIOR. PHAZON MADNESS, AS IT IS COMMONLY KNOWN, TYPICALLY BEGINS AFTER EXPOSURE TO AROUND 600 GRAMS OF BLUE PHAZON."
"TRY 6000 GRAMS, BITCH!" Upsilon roared, "I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SUPERMAN RIGHT NOW!"
"Monita!" Toon covered his mouth, agape in shock. "Did you just say bitch?"
"That was-a the Space Pirate."
"Ah, sorry. They both speak in capital letters. Kinda hard to distinguish."
And then, there it was. The newest stroke of genius. Toon turned to his exasperated friend and pogged at his own idea.
"That's it!" he cheered, "Monita, you can save us!"
"MATHEMATICALLY," Monita replied, "I CANNOT CONFIRM THAT STATEMENT AT THIS TIME."
"We gotta make sure he doesn't hear us." Toon pulled the tablet close and whispered his plan. Dr. Mario tried to listen in, but Toon's gentle voice suffocated beneath the guttural howling of the Space Pirate right on their tail.
"What's-a the game plan, Toon?"
"No time to explain, we're almost at the terminal! Pick up your pace, Doc. We need a good 20 feet of distance between us and the Pirate."
Against all odds, Dr. Mario forced his legs to propel him further ahead, giving Toon's scurrying pace a run for its money. Just as Upsilon disappeared behind a corner, the duo burst into the terminal's chamber and stumbled onto the rickety bridge before it. No sooner had Toon slapped Monita back into the terminal had he wrapped his arms around the doctor and flung the both of them off of the side of the bridge. The depths of the pit reached out to the two with tiny tendrils of Phazon, but Toon and his hookshot held them back from a quick demise. As Upsilon stomped in after them, Toon clamped a hand over Dr. Mario's fuzzy lips.
"Shh," Toon whispered. Dr. Mario nodded, and they swung silently from beneath Upsilon's increasingly radiating toes. The Space Pirate tried firing some grenades at the walls to scare out his targets, but when his tactic failed, he returned to bellowing as loudly as his Phazon scarred vocal tissue could manage.
"ONE FUCKER! TWO FUCKERS! THREE FUCKERS! FOUR! HOW MANY FUCKERS AM I ABOUT TO GORE!? I KNOOOOOOW YOU'RE HIDING!"
Upsilon's threats, while unsettling, were nothing that couldn't be endured. That was until something elastic brushed against Dr. Mario's back. Toon Link poked his head out from behind the doctor's shoulder and, to his horror, saw one of those Metroids investigating the doctor's presence. While Toon Link may have been too bite-sized for the parasites to bother with him, Dr. Mario's supple flesh had to be wildly "nutrient dense" as Monita had put it. Plus, who doesn't like Italian food? Dr. Mario, upon following Toon's gaze to the alien floating behind him, tried his best to kick the critter away without making too much noise. Even still, the Hookshot clanked with every jostle the two made. It was nigh miraculous that Upsilon couldn't hear it over his own screaming.
"WHERE ARE YOU!? WHERE ARE YOU!?"
Erratic as it may have been, Upsilon's "search" was bringing him closer along the bridge to where the Hookshot had latched. Dr. Mario glanced back at Toon, hoping for some sort of affirmation of their ongoing plan. Toon Link only nodded back. Well, his expression looked hopeful, at the least. That hope persevered, even as Upsilon's increasingly radiated stare fell closer and closer to the bridge beneath him. Just then, Monita let out a shrill beep from her stand on the Terminal. Upsilon glanced over at the tablet and then finally turned to the pit beckoning below.
"THERE YOU ARE!"
Without warning, Upsilon leapt over the side of the bridge. Dr. Mario closed his eyes as he prepared for a gruesome end, and yet nothing came. Instead, Upsilon dropped to the bottom of the crater and started smashing up the Phazon laced rock beneath him. He kept digging and digging until he was out of sight. With the Pirate gone, Toon released the doctor's mouth and took out his sword. Before the Metroid could sink its fangs into Dr. Mario's flesh, Toon sliced the parasite in half.
"Where's-a the Pirate going?" Dr. Mario asked.
"Another terminal," Toon explained, "I had Monita look for one with no Pirates nearby and activate it remotely. Since Upsilon got alerted to it and couldn't see us in this room, it made it look like we were down there instead of up here."
"Of course! You're a thinker as always."
"Not really. He wouldn't keep falling for shit like this if he could just use his head."
"IN HIS CURRENT STATE," Monita interjected from up above, "THAT MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE POSSIBLE FOR HIM. AS PHAZON MADNESS PROGRESSES, THE SUBJECT'S CRITICAL REASONING SKILLS CONTINUOUSLY DETERIORATE."
"Hey, Phazon or not, that guy's critical reasoning is nothing compared to mine! My mind has never been clearer, nor my heart more resolute. Now let's get out of here so I can eat some more dirt!"
Were it so easy. But as Dr. Mario and Toon began to shimmy up the Hookshot's chain, the very pit below them began to shake. As Upsilon continued to burrow into its stone foundation, the cave dwellings buckled, shattering at all of its key structural points. Dr. Mario and Toon looked up and watched as the metal joints holding together the bridge began to snap one by one. They both did their best to scuttle up the chain and break it for the door, but before they could even place a hand on the side of the bridge, the very stone it had been built into fell out of the wall. Dr. Mario and Toon both could do naught but scream as they descended to the bottom of the pit, and were swallowed whole by the gorge growing ever larger at its base.
Toon only managed to keep the two of them from splattering into pieces on the ground below by firing his Hookshot once again, this time into the wall flying past them. Even this only managed to slow their descent; once their collective weight drew the chain out to its maximum length, the downward force ripped the hook out of the crumbling wall cleaner than a toothpick out of a freshly baked confectionary. They started to fall down into the gorge once again, though with how little space was left between them and the bottom, they both managed to hit the ground and remain in one piece. They were lucky to be sure, but luck can be hard to appreciate after every bone in your body has been reduced to a fine powder.
"Ah, fuck, my skeleton," Toon Link groaned, "Doc, you gotta juice me up, man, hit me up with some plant goo."
Dr. Mario reached into his coat with his broken noodle fingers and grabbed a healing sprout for his friend. The moment Toon placed a hand on it, though, it shriveled into nothingness. At the least, his palm was now softer than cotton.
"Damn. Used up. Hey Doc, how many of those little shits we got left?"
"Uhh..." Dr. Mario said as he looked through his coat pockets, "...four!? How-a many have we gone through in just the past hour or-a so!? We must have-a gone through half of our supply!"
"Hey, hey, it's all good! We can manage, right? We'll just, uh...use them less."
"Use-a them less?"
"Yeah! We don't need to keep healing ourselves all the way, right? We just need to be able to move around. Let go of that thing right when you feel your bones are back in one piece. Back in one piece individually, of course. Don't want all your bones fusing together into one piece. You think that could happen? We could touch one of these things and all of a sudden we're stuck with one bone? Like a bunch of muscles all strung on a coat rack?"
"Toon, I-a really don't need to be thinking about this right-a now."
Dr. Mario took out a fresh healing sprout and allowed its vitality to flow into him. As his bent limbs snapped back into place, he tested his strength by attempting to sit up off the floor. Only when he could do so without seeing stars did he drop the sprout and roll it over to Toon, who followed suit. Every muscle they had stung from both their wounds and the natural acids of their bodies, but sure enough, they could walk.
"Where's-a Monita? Navigating these mines will be-a hopeless without her."
"Probably somewhere in that mess." Toon pointed over at the terminal, which had snapped off of its pike and landed on its head beside them. "Tell you what, no one's gonna be tracking us through that thing anymore."
Toon waddled up to the wreckage and fished around for the tablet. Miraculously, Monita had endured the trip down without much beyond some smudging on her screen.
"How're you feeling, Monita?" Toon asked.
"AS A VIRTUAL ASSISTANT, I AM INCAPABLE OF "FEELING" ANYTHING ABOUT OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. HOWEVER, THERE IS PROBABLY A LIFEFORM CAPABLE OF FEELING SOMEWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHO WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF MY DISPLAY WERE TO BE CLEANED."
"Yeah, sure, okay. Who taught you how to be that coy, Momo?" The nature of Toon's question - along with its most likely answer - quickly dawned on him. "You know what, actually, don't answer that."
Just then, a tremor rumbled through the pit. Stalactites crashed down onto the floor, and the ground shook so violently, Dr. Mario and Toon could hardly stay standing on two feet. They turned and found the source of the tremor; a haphazardly bored tunnel leading into the side of the wall.
"That must have been Upsilon."
"Think there's a chance that the Hookshot can-a get us back up that-a chasm?"
"No dice. The stone's too loose along the walls. The hook'll just pop out the second we pull on it."
"Then I-a suppose we can only go forward."
"I'd suppose you'd be right."
"I'd-a suppose there's a trend."
So Dr. Mario and Toon Link, armed with capsule and sword respectively, creeped down Upsilon's tunnel, their footsteps nigh perfectly synchronized.
The tunnel ended in a laboratory built into the caves, equipped with its own terminal and spacious enough to fit hundreds of small children. The room only had one exit - barring the exit Upsilon had inadvertently made himself - and it was blocked off by a steel door. Nearly half of the lab's space was consumed by a giant metal pod, which nearly scraped the craggy ceiling above. Its front was mostly glass, revealing the tank's only inhabitant; Upsilon himself. Upsilon was stuck hesitating beside a keypad on the inside of the pod, his legs visibly wobbling beneath the weight of his own deformed body. His spastic hands bobbed back and forth, drawing closer and closer to the keypad, but never making contact. For just a moment in the midst of this mindless dance, Dr. Mario swore he could see a glimmer of Upsilon's self-absorbed spirit flickering in his own vacant eyes. What did this feel like for a man who valued his honor so much? To watch himself writhe and squirm, reduced to such a primal being? But it was just a moment, after all. Then, the flicker was gone, and Upsilon slammed the keypad, gurgling some sort of nonsense all the while.
"AEUGH...URGH...MUST EVOLVE...MUST BECOME...OMEGA!"
Just then, several copper-laced bulbs on the side of the tanker violently illuminated, forcing Dr. Mario and Toon to turn away. Upsilon began to spasm and scream wildly; whether it was a volatile physical reaction or just the worsening of his mental state was unclear. Suddenly, his entire muscular system burst out from his skin. As horrific as that would be in its own right, it was hard to miss just how much flesh poured out of the poor Pirate. So much blood and tissue flooded out of his rapidly deflating form, it began to slosh against the walls of the tanker. And yet in the midst of such intense gore, a close eye would notice that his muscles and organs were still being held together, if only barely. Threads of Phazon ran throughout the mess that had been expelled from Upsilon's body. Once the flesh had finished swelling, the threads got to work tugging his muscles back into a solid shape. As each muscle was dragged back into place, Phazon oozed out from between his tissue fibers and solidified into plates, like it were a sort of armor. Slowly, his body reforged it's own carapace, albeit grossly deformed and at vastly increased proportions to fit his bloated innards. By the time Upsilon's exoskeleton was finished reforming, he'd grown large enough to brush his head against the top of the tanker. Dr. Mario barely rose to the Pirate's knees. Finally, Upsilon had become the Omega Pirate. He likely would've been thrilled about it had he retained enough of his senses for it.
In one swing, the Omega Pirate knocked down the glass door and barreled forward at the duo. Dr. Mario and Toon Link both rolled out of the way, but the Omega Pirate's massive body hit the ground with so much force, they were still pushed aside by the subsequent shockwave.
"Try and grab this guy's attention," Toon said as he hopped back up to his feet, "I'll chop his feet clean off."
Dr. Mario tried to bring himself up as well, but the intensity of his ever growing vertigo made it about as easy as riding a pogo on a trapeze. Even the Omega Pirate made it up before the doctor. His two shoulder cannons ripped out from beneath his clavicles - now leaving them dislocated and dripping with blood - and trained on Toon's position. Dr. Mario could hardly focus on his own two feet, let alone his foe, no matter how large.
Still, the doctor made an attempt, picking a capsule out of his lab coat and flinging it at the Pirate's malformed head. After the capsule burst into a little cloud of dust, however, the Omega Pirate reacted with no more than a growl and a passing glance before looking back down at Toon. Thankfully, that brief distraction bought enough time for Toon to advance on the Pirate's foot.
"Timber!"
Toon swung his sword and cut straight into the armor around the Omega Pirate's ankle. Toon smiled, but only for a moment, for the blade only made it an inch into the Pirate's flesh before coming to a halt. Even as the wound seeped with blood and Phazon, it seemed not to hinder the Pirate's mobility as he bent down and backhanded the Hylian. Half of the bones in Toon's face were popped out of place. The other half were shattered entirely. Either way, Toon flew back, dropping his sword where he once stood.
"Damn, no good," Dr. Mario said to himself, "One of-a these melted through a Space Pirate earlier. Maybe more of them will-a do the same. It's-a just a matter of figuring out which ones are-a which."
As the Omega Pirate lumbered towards the limp Toon Link, Dr. Mario threw upon his coat and tried sorting through all of his possessions. He didn't get very far in his scientific process, however, before the pain in his head knocked him off track. It quickly became clear that he wouldn't be able to focus on the o situation at hand with the embolism still wreaking havoc in his body. Dr. Mario pulling himself together would be the only hope Toon Link had, but as his vision continued to blur, that didn't seem incredibly likely.
That was until his eyes suddenly locked on Toon's beam sword. It had landed awfully close to the doctor's feet, still armed and ready for use. Piecing together what had to be done was a pretty quick process. It was accepting it that kept Dr. Mario from grabbing the sword for so long. Even when he did place his hand on the hilt, he still hadn't completely agreed to his own plan. Allowing Toon Link to dismember him was one thing, but doing it himself? It was unthinkable, and yet, he was already lining up the blade with the middle of his upper arm. That was were Monita said the embolism was, right? He could hardly remember, just as he couldn't remember where he was or what he was doing. Straight thought was impossible with the prospect of losing a limb hanging over him. He felt as though his very soul had been sucked out of his being, replaced only by a looming curtain of dread. Regardless, Dr. Mario gritted his teeth and braced himself for what was to come.
With one swing of the blade, countless tissues in Dr. Mario's arm - muscle tissue and bone tissue alike - were snipped in half. The doctor could feel every single one. His humerus surged with a burning feeling, as if acid had been injected directly into the marrow. His vision went white, and he couldn't hear anything over the sound of his own screaming. The thought that pain like this existed in the world would've terrified Dr. Mario if he was still able to think. His mental faculties were quickly shutting down; every feeling he was registering, from the disorienting weightlessness of his arm to the stench of his flesh being burnt by the beam sword, encouraged his nausea much more than they did his consciousness. Most men would've passed out right then and there, and in many ways, Dr. Mario was like most men. But would most men punch themselves in their own bleeding stub just to keep themselves conscious? Who could tell, really.
The agitation of his open wound hurt nearly as much as its creation. As skin-curlingly unpleasant as the pain was, however, it did succeed in keeping him awake long enough to slather his severed arm with healing sprout goo and then slap it onto his nub. A few uneasy seconds passed without any sensations coursing through the newly attached limb. Once the doctor managed to curl his pointer finger, however, he slunk back and allowed his nerves to ease themselves.
Then the Omega Pirate roared again, reminding Dr. Mario that there was still a giant monster in the room. With the embolism (hopefully) out of his system, the doctor was ready to get to work. All that he could remember about the substance he was looking for was that it was a clear liquid and its capsule was blue. Out of all of his chemicals, only two types matched that description. Half of them were labeled NaCl(aq). It had been a while since he'd taken any chemistry, but he knew that had to be the formula for salt. The other capsules then, labeled NH3(aq), must have been his target. Dr. Mario grabbed the capsule and flung it at the Omega Pirate's arm. It hit, and sure enough, the carapace coating the monster's hand began to boil and fester. The reaction didn't last long, however, before Phazon glopped out from the wound and sealed it like a cavity filling.
"OMEGA! OMEGA!"
The Omega Pirate screamed harder than before as he turned back to the doctor and shot a cluster of grenades at him. Dodging only one had left him with burns before; dodging a whole swarm of them would be hopeless. Even still, something had to be done. The instincts he retained from his artificial memories urged him to reflect the projectiles with his cape, but alas, he had no such item. Sure, his lab coat was similar in purpose, but it wouldn't work if...well actually, it couldn't hurt to try. Unless his timing was rustier than he hoped, then it could hurt a lot to try.
Just before the grenades could make contact, Dr. Mario grabbed the edge of his coat and flipped it up into the air. Miraculously, he managed to swat the grenades a safe distance away. Safe as he may have been, however, he was no closer to neutralizing the feral warrior.
"Ugh...hey, Doc," Toon groaned as he crawled back up to his feet, "we got a game plan? You seem to be the resident expert in killing giant alien monsters."
"These-a chemicals can melt through his skin, but not enough to kill him."
"Maybe we just need to concentrate the dose. Can we get any more of the stuff?"
"I-a don't think so. Not here anyway. Although...that-a doesn't mean it can't be concentrated."
Of course, that had to be the answer! The salt capsules Dr. Mario had in his coat couldn't just be plain table salt; at room temperature, salt exists in a solid state. These capsules must've held solutions of salt in water. Perhaps the (aq) stood for "aqua" or something similar? If so, then the capsules that could pierce the Omega Pirate's armor were also water solutions. All they had to do was separate the water from the NH3, and they'd have a pure dose to strike down the beast.
Dr. Mario's plan was cut short as the Omega Pirate punched the ground with his fist. A blue pulse of energy rippled out through the air, knocking both Dr. Mario and Toon back onto the ground. When the Omega Pirate fired his next volley of plasma grenades, Dr. Mario was unable to maneuver in time to deflect the attack. He surely would've been maimed beyond recognition had Toon not thrown his shield to the doctor just in time. Even with the shield to absorb the blast, however, the heat generated from the explosion was enough to vaporize the sweat on his brow. And that was the final piece of the puzzle. As Dr. Mario rolled onto his feet, he could see the path that would lead them to victory; a path so singular, so absolute, the doctor could almost trick himself into believing in it.
"Toon!" Dr. Mario said, retrieving another capsule, "Hang-a back! I-a want him to focus on me!"
Toon nodded and withdrew to the wall. With Dr. Mario now in the center stage, the Omega Pirate targeted the doctor with his largest scattershot yet. But Dr. Mario didn't flinch. Instead, he threw his capsule into the air in front of him, allowing it to become entangled with the explosives racing towards him. This way, when he flipped his cape, the capsule and the bombs were sent away together. Dr. Mario's aiming was immaculate, launching the grenade cluster just beneath the Omega Pirate's diverging chin. Sure, the grenades themselves didn't do much upon exploding beyond blackening some of the Pirate's exposed flesh, but the capsule was a different story. The water within the capsule was vaporized instantly, leaving just the chemical agent to waft down the Pirate's gullet. The doctor knew his plan was successful when the Pirate began coughing instead of screaming. His chest rumbled violently, fuming with smoke as it's carapace began to chip.
"Now, Toon!" Dr. Mario said, "He's-a weak!"
The Omega Pirate tried to aim his cannons at Toon in between coughs, but before he could, Toon whipped out the Hookshot and fired it at the Omega Pirate's abdomen. The hook pierced his cracked chest plates, impaling whatever grotesque organs laid beneath them. Blood fountained out of the wound once the hook was yanked out. After this mortal blow, the Omega Pirate's screaming grew softer and softer, until his whimpers were quieter than the splash of his innards hitting the ground.
"Woohoo!" Toon chanted, looking up at his fallen foe, "We did it!"
"Hold on, Toon!" Dr. Mario said, "We're not-a safe until he drops!"
"Fine, fine."
Toon walked up to the wheezing Pirate and gave him a firm shove. The Pirate teetered back a bit, only to stumble forward and collapse onto Toon. When the Omega Pirate hit the ground, his skin burst like an eggshell, allowing a pool of Phazon to ooze out and cascade over the Hylian. Dr. Mario leapt in and pulled Toon out as quickly as he could, but even after a few moments of submersion, the Phazon had changed Toon Link. His skin had shifted to an ashen grey, with some veins popping out in a darker, nearly black shade. His eyes, twitching about wildly, were hazy and coated with Phazon's trademark blue color. It matched the neon vomit peeking out from the corners of Toon's lips.
"Toon! Do you feel alright!?"
"I feel like I got peed in my eyes, except this time, the pee is radioactive sludge."
"You've-a really got to come up with more similes to illustrate your-a points."
Once he was able to stand on his own accord, Toon brushed off any of the Phazon left lingering on his person. Perhaps if he wiped it off soon enough, he'd avoid the radioactive after effects.
"Well, I guess we're going on another wacky dacky medical adventure." Toon pulled out Monita and jiggled her around a bit. "Hey, Monita, hypothetically, what would happen if I just got drowned in Phazon?"
"THE ONSET OF PHAZON CORRUPTION WOULD BE INSTANTANEOUS. DEATH WOULD BE IMMINENT."
Toon held out his arms and observed his body. Despite all the odds, he seemed to still be quite alive.
"Wanna run those numbers again, Momo?"
"Maybe you have some-a sort of immunity," Dr. Mario pondered.
"With all of my cloning defects, I think "immunities" are the last things you'll find floating around in my body."
"CLONING?"
"Yeah, we're clones from the Orpheon."
"THE PRIME DIRECTIVE ABOARD THE ORPHEON BEFORE ITS CRITICAL FAILURE WAS EXPERIMENTATION ON PHAZON. MANY OF THE CLONES ON THE ORPHEON WERE MADE EXPLICITLY FOR SUCH EXPERIMENTS. FOR THIS REASON, ALL CLONES PRODUCED ON THE ORPHEON WERE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BY DEFAULT TO BE PHYSIOLOGICALLY COMPATIBLE WITH PHAZON."
"So you mean I'm all good?"
"POSSIBLY. PHAZON COMPATIBILITY HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT, AND OFTEN LEADS TO SPONTANEOUS GENETIC DETERIORATION."
"Hey, better than nothing! I consider this a success!" Toon whooped and cheered, holding up his hand for Dr. Mario to high five. The doctor reluctantly slapped back, causing Toon to cheer exponentially louder. Bombastic as it may have been, it was hard not to find Toon's optimism contagious.
"HOWEVER, THIS ONLY APPLIES TO BLUE PHAZON. ANOTHER VARIETY, REDDISH ORANGE IN COLOR, IS BELIEVED TO EXIST ON TALLON IV. BECAUSE RED PHAZON ONLY EXISTS IN THE DEEPEST LAYERS OF TALLON IV, THE SPACE PIRATES HAVE HAD LITTLE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIMENT WITH IT, AND THUS WERE UNABLE TO INSTALL RED PHAZON COMPATIBILITY INTO ANY OF THEIR CLONES."
"Well," Dr. Mario said, shoddily feigning Toon's cheeky grin, "it's a good thing we've only-a run into blue Phazon in this cave, huh?"
"Doc!" Toon warned, wiping the smile off of the doctor's face, "Shut it!"
"What?"
"Haven't you been paying attention to the past couple chapters!? This book uses sitcom logic! The very second you acknowledge something will not happen, the probability of that thing happening in the very next scene jumps to 100 percent!"
"Toon, believe me, I'll always be-a the first to point out how bad our luck has-a been. But it doesn't-a help to be superstitious. The Phazon is stationary; it's-a the one thing on this planet that-a can't chase us. We should be-a fine as long as we don't-a walk right into it."
All of a sudden, Dr. Mario and Toon Link were instantly teleported somewhere entirely new. There was no more machinery, or anything else built by sentient hands. Now all that surrounded them was stone, chalky and white like dried bone; there were even pockets of "bone marrow" in the form of red Phazon.
"No, no, why should anyone listen to Toon?" Toon Link whinged, "It's not like he's literally always right."
"You're-a the one who told me to-a keep my chin up! How was I supposed to know we'd just teleport again!?"
"Because of that clone we pissed off on the Orpheon that's been teleporting all of tha sand down here! Duh!"
"The what!?"
"Oh, did I forget to tell you about that?"
Dr. Mario sat down and clutched his head in silence. Toon shrugged and turned his attention back to the tablet.
"Monita, I take it you can't tell us where we are until we find another terminal?"
"WHILE I CANNOT PROVIDE YOU WITH EXACT COORDINATES, I CAN GIVE YOU A ROUGH APPROXIMATION. RED PHAZON IS BELIEVED TO ONLY EXIST DEEP WITHIN THE IMPACT CRATER, SO YOU ARE LIKELY WITHIN THAT AREA. IN FACT, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH EVERY PORTION OF TERRAIN THAT HAS BEEN TELEPORTED SO FAR HAS BEEN MOVED PROGRESSIVELY CLOSER TO THE BOTTOM OF THE IMPACT CRATER."
"What's this Impact Crater you're talking about?"
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT SEVERAL DECADES AGO, SOMETHING AKIN TO A LIVING METEOR CRASHED INTO TALLON IV AND INTRODUCED PHAZON TO THE BIOSPHERE. THE COLLISION OF THIS METEOR WITH THE PLANET'S SURFACE IS THOUGHT TO HAVE CREATED THE IMPACT CRATER, A MASSIVE CAVITY IN THE PLANET'S CRUST. NOT MUCH IS KNOWN ABOUT THE IMPACT CRATER; THE SPACE PIRATES HAVEN BEEN UNABLE TO PENETRATE THE ARTIFACT TEMPLE, WHICH WAS CONSTRUCTED BY THE CHOZO TO OBSTRUCT THE SPREAD OF PHAZON. THE SPACE PIRATES ONLY KNEW ABOUT THE PRESENCE OF RED PHAZON IN THE IMPACT CRATER BECAUSE THE RADIATION IT PRODUCED WAS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO BE DETECTED FROM ABOVE GROUND."
"Wait, so you mean there's no Pirates in the bottom of the Crater?"
"PROBABLY NOT, NO."
"Hey, maybe the other clone is trying to head down there, then? To get away from all of these space creeps."
"I could get behind-a that notion," Dr. Mario said.
"Exactly!" Toon tugged on the doctor's coat and began marching along down the cave. "So maybe we should look around here for the other clone. Convince him we're all on the same side, get him to warp us off this planet. Sound cool?"
"Hmm. I-a just don't know. What if-
"Doc, we've been through this routine like three times. You know we're gonna end up doing it anyway."
"I know, I know. Let's-a get a move on."